That time of year has arrived again. It’s the time when Americans go to the stores to buy a bunch of useless crap for people they don’t care about. It’s our way of saying “Sorry I haven’t looked up from my screen once in the past year, please accept this tangible object as evidence supporting the allegation that I still care.”
It’s a touching sentiment, but poorly placed. Sure, you can’t help the fact that you have real people around you. There’s 7-fucking-billion people on this planet. There’s bound to be at least one or two in your immediate vicinity. You probably have to share a bed with one, because things are so tight these days, but does that mean you have to care about them? Hell no! At least not now that we have the internet.
Today, the people we care about appear on a glowing screen in front of our face, and because of the internet, we can all care about the same two-dozen or so people, the Kardashians for example, and nobody has to give a rats ass about the other 6,999,999,952 of us. That clearly constitutes a step forward in speed and efficiency, and we should maximize these gains by avoiding even the pretense of an emotional connection with anything squishy.
Instead, this is a great time of year to direct those warm feelings of gratitude, kindness and generosity that characterize our innate human nature, towards those deserving individuals behind the screens. Please Support the people who make you laugh, the people who make you think, the people who bring you an interesting perspective, and the people who dig up funny pictures for you every week, all year, year after year, and by “the people,” I, of course, mean “me”. This is a great time to support this blog. Please support lygsbtd, the irreverent, independent, outspoken voice of “the people” in Humboldt County.
Still, you may want to give a gift to someone other than me this holiday season, if for no other reason, than because you know that they are going to give you a gift, and you don’t want to be caught empty handed. So, you go shopping, but what should you get for people you hardly know and have barely spoken to? Never fear, lygsbtd is here, to guide you through the madness.
It helps to know the age of the person you are shopping for, especially if that person is a child. Children can be the hardest to shop for, because fad toys change every year, and unless you are a kid, you really don’t give a fuck. It’s never a good idea to talk to children, and the worst question you could ever ask a child is “What do you want for Christmas?” Don’t do it. Take my advice and stick with a classic, tried and true, age appropriate toy for young children.
For newborn infants, forget it. I can’t think of one good reason to give a gift of any kind to a newborn infant. The Three Wise Men of the Bible were the Three Stooges as far as I’m concerned. Think about it. Do we ever hear about those Three Wise Men again, at all, in the rest of the Bible? Fuck no! Jesus didn’t hang with those guys. They were, like, friends of his parents or something. He didn’t remember that gift. He was just a baby.
That’s my point. Baby’s don’t know anything. They aren’t expecting a gift, they didn’t get you one, and no matter what you get them, if it isn’t Mommy’s boob, they’re not interested. So, don’t bother giving a gift of any kind to an infant. If you absolutely must give a gift to an infant, the perfect gift for an infant is: a bottle of Scotch.
Bottle of Scotch If you give a baby a bottle of Scotch, whoever is taking care of the baby will, of course, immediately take the bottle away from the baby. After that, one of two things will happen. Most likely, the person taking care of the baby will eventually find themselves so ragged and bedraggled from the responsibility that they will take to drink. If so, that bottle of Scotch will taste like nectar to them, and they will appreciate you for understanding.
On the other hand. It is possible, though unlikely, that the person taking care of the baby will save the Scotch, in a secure location. Years later, when the baby has grown up and reached the appropriate age of, say 18 or 21, This dutiful guardian might then present this thoughtful gift, now aged an additional 18-21 years, to the young man or woman to whom it was originally gifted, along with the story of how you gave a bottle of Scotch to a baby for Christmas. If so, that young man or woman will think that you are the coolest old fart on the planet.
See, you can’t go wrong when you give a bottle of Scotch to a baby. But maybe you’re not right in the head, and if you have an infant, that’s a pretty good bet. If you like it wrong, it don’t get much wronger than this:
Thongies Because diaper lines look so unflattering under a onesie.
These days, we try to be “gender-neutral” with kids toys. We don’t have toys for boys and toys for girls, we have toys, and we let the kids decide which ones they want to play with. Dolls always work with kids. All kids play with dolls of some kind at some time in their childhood. Here are a few of my favorites, starting with some baby dolls:
Shave the Baby Here’s a real hairy baby doll, that comes with a real razor. Every little kid should learn how to properly shave a baby before they have to do it for real.
Baby’s First Baby You may laugh, but these plastic toys contain all kinds of endocrine disrupting, hormone mimicking chemicals that wreck havoc on our reproductive systems. Hairy, pregnant infants may not seem so odd in the future. I suspect that these toys are more popular in industrial cities in China, where they’re made, because hairy, pregnant infants have already become normal. Then again, maybe if you hadn’t shaved the baby, and then tarted her up in those Thongies diapers, the baby wouldn’t BE pregnant, now would she?
The teenage girl doll remains popular, whether they’re plastic miniatures, or life-size inflatables, who doesn’t love a teenage girl doll? Barbie remains the Grande Dame of teenage girl dolls. This new Barbie has a feature I can scarcely imagine:
Barbie Squirts Squirts what? From where? And then there’s this:
C Section Barbie Again with the pregnancy thing. Barbie has to have a C-Section, because Barbie never had a vagina. We don’t mind that her stomach opens like a toilet seat to reveal a tiny plastic fetus, but we’re offended by the idea of a teenage girl doll with a vagina. I suppose it can’t hurt to teach kids about basic human physiology with toys, and maybe it’s a good idea. I guess that’s the idea behind these:
Period Doll I thought “period doll” refereed to a doll dressed in a costume reminiscent of a particular historical period. I guess getting your period can be an empowering thing, if you are a young woman. Why not make it into a superpower? Every superhero needs a supervillain to battle:
Blood-Bath Betty Here’s another period related gift idea:
The Maxi-Pad Writing Pad Give this to your teenage daughter for Christmas. She won’t like it, but she’s not going to like anything else you do for the next ten years, so don’t waste your time trying to please her.
Then we have role-playing adventure dolls, or “action figures” as they’re commonly called. A popular TV show can often spin-off some popular action figure dolls. Such is the case with these:
Breaking Bad action figures
Your “little tweakers” will love playing with these toys. The figures are each sold separately, and they each come with tiny bags of “meth” and a recipe for cooking up more, using an Easy-Bake light-bulb oven.
Easy-Bake Meth Lab Perhaps those characters don’t seem like the kind of role-models you want your kid to emulate. Instead, you might want to encourage your kids to aim a little higher in life. Why not let them take inspiration from the the most influential man of the 20th Century:
Der Fuhrer is a tremendously popular toy that has taken the world by blitzkrieg. You can buy literally millions of accessories for him. This is my favorite:
The Der Fuhrer ipod docking station This toy comes pre-loaded with five of Der Fuhrer’s most stirring speeches, and it has an input for your music player or computer, so you can “rock out” with Adolf, but there’s much more:
Panzer Tank Brigades
The Brothel at Berchtesgaden, and no fascist putsch would be complete without:
Concentration Camp Collect the whole Third Reich! But these toys might be too intense for some more sensitive children. Sometimes you want to give a kid something soft and cuddly, especially if they are going through a rough patch, like a death in the family, or maybe a parents divorce. In that case, get the kid a plush toy. Here’s a pair that come together. I guarantee that these two will cheer-up even the most severely traumatized child.
Plush Pee and Poo Plush Pee and Poo teaches kids that it’s OK to play with their excrement, and that it’s soft, and squishy and feels nice, an important lesson for any deeply traumatized child.
There we have a few ideas for gifts for kids, but what about the adults on your shopping list? Why are there adults on you Christmas gift list? Do they still believe in Santa Claus? I mean really. Grow-up for Christ’s sake. If you’re are sick of buying gifts for people, here’s a gift for someone you really hope you won’t have to buy a gift for, next year:
The Gun Comb Give someone the Gun Comb, and if they use it, a cop will probably shoot them dead before next December. Does that sound a little paranoid? Here’s a gift for paranoid people:
The Eyeball Clock There’s a camera mounted in the center, so you can keep an eye on them. Paranoid people prefer to stay at home, and they should be encouraged to drink soothing herb tea, rather than coffee. Here’s another great gift for just that kind of homebody.
The Charles Manson Teapot That’s some CRAZY good tea! The problem is that lately, fewer of us have homes, which means fewer of us have anyplace to put the crap that people give us for Christmas, but we all need clothes, and here’s an article of clothing that I think has the potential to change the way we live.
Personal Theater Hat This one product could replace the multiplex, the living room and the apartment for million of people in coming years. A smart phone hangs from the elongated bill of the hat, beneath the curtain. In the future, this is all the privacy that many of us will ever know.
Picnic Pants. Another technological innovation in clothing. Behold the dining room of the future. Imagine this future. Billions of people in picnic pants and personal theater hats, shoveling prefabricated snack-food from their stretchy lap tables, into the dark abyss beneath their personal theater hats. Where do all of these people sleep?
Ostrich Desk Pillow. Welcome to the future. Maybe you’re ready for this gift:
Toy Noose. I’ll be back with part two, next week. Don’t forget to put me in your will. Happy Holidays!