This year I found way too many amazingly stupid products, many more than I could find space for in my Holiday Gift Guide. THIS WEK THEY’RE ALL ON SALE!!! We’re talking deep, deep discounts, 20%- 35% 67% even 82% off on some items, not that they’re worth having at any price, but this week, you can buy them for less.
Whether or not you want to buy them, marvel at these wonders of our material culture, and think about what they say about the society that spawned them. While you survey this collection, remember that in 2014, roughly 150,000 species of plant and animal, went extinct in order to make space for warehouses full of these marvelous products.
Christmas may be over, but it’s still wintertime. Here’s some great prices on cold weather accessories:
Smoking Mittens Just because you have to stand outside to smoke, that doesn’t mean you have to get frostbite. Save money and save your fingers while you commit slow suicide in exile.
Handerpants Get a few pairs of these. You may wear your smoking mittens all winter, but you’ll want to change your Handerpants every day.
Bread Gloves Because… fuck, I don’t know, but we have some AMAZING knitted crap to keep you warm this Winter and EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!!
Brain Hat At least it will make you look smart.
Beard Hat Wear this hat and you’ll look like me, which will help me avoid arrest. I don’t see an upside to that for you.
Penis Underwear which combines with:
Boob Pillow to complete the costume. Once you look like me, you’ll want to get really drunk, so tuck your boob pillow into this:
Wine Flask Bra You’ll need a really stupid looking sweater to cover it all up. Try these:
Crappy Christmas Sweaters Now that’s what I call fashion. Here’s an idea for couples who both want to look like me:
Peanut Butter and Jelly Couples Beard It keeps your neck warm, and keeps you from getting separated in a large crowd, but maybe looking like me isn’t the look you’re looking for.
Knitted Snuggie This will keep you warm, and no one will know who is inside. or perhaps…
Tail-light Pants Not only do they light-up after dark, they go “beep…beep…beep” whenever you step backwards.
…but maybe you’ve seen enough clothing. Smart phone remain popular with stupid people, here are some stupid phones for SMART SHOPPERS!!!!
Denture Phone With this phone, you can chew your own ear off, while you do the same to your friends
French Fry Phone Maybe this is for your Denture Phone to eat while you talk.
Burger Phone Because you’re too busy to take time off for lunch. With this, you can eat your phone while you close the deal.
Cassette Phone This phone automatically adds hiss, attenuates high frequencies, and after 45 minutes of call time, you have to wait five minutes for it to rewind. Speaking of rewinding…
DVD Rewinder With this, you’ll never have to pay a rewind fee again! …and we’ve got low low prices on other high high-tech items as well. like these…
Face Massager Wear this when you go down on her, and she’ll think she’s getting cunnilingus from C3po. It don’t get any more high-tech than that, except maybe this…
i-Toungue French kiss/oral sex app for i-phone.
Chicken Foot USB Drive Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because its foot was stuck in your computer.
Bongzilla Hi-Tech Beer Bong How many time have you thought to yourself: “I sure do love drinking beer from a funnel. I wish I could funnel this beer RIGHT NOW, but that other guy is using the funnel, and it’ll be another 6 seconds before he’s finished. I wish there was a way we could pour all of our beer into the funnel, and all six of us could drink from it at the same time?” Not many, I’ll bet.
Future Bassoon This great new high-tech musical instrument plays like a bassoon, but it has a fretboard instead of keys, which means that nobody knows how to play it. Sure looks cool though. Speaking of looking good… SAVE BIG on these health and beauty products:
Nose Straightener Whatever is wrong with your appearance, you can be sure that no one will notice as long as you wear this.
Runny Nose Soap Dispenser Makes cleaning up as fun as rubbing snot all over your body.
Go Golfing or Go Girl Personal Pee Products If you live around here, you know why you need this. No public restrooms in town means I’ll empty my golf club on your fucking lawn. …and we’ve got GREAT DEALS on sports equipment too!!!
Potty Putter Drop a load off of your handicap, while you drop a load.
Baseball-Mitt Chair You’ll always be “Safe” when you let this chair field your balls. …and we’ve got unbelievable kitchen gadgets at UNBELIEVABLE PRICES!!!
Muffin Top Muffin Makers
Runny Nose Egg Separator
Karate-Chop Plastic Knife Finally, a knife you can give to that special someone, that you know won’t be used to stab you to death in your sleep. Speaking of people who want to kill you… your kids need stuff too. Like these great toys, at GREAT PRICES:
Dora the Expora Self-Lubricating Dildo Kids can explore their own budding sexuality with this educational toy.
Eye Little Pony That’s exactly the expression your kid will make while trying out the Dora the Explora Dildo.
Teddy Has a Woody Kids love teddy bears. Here’s some more:
Bad Taste Bears What do you want, bears with bad taste, or bears that taste bad?
Plush STDs It’s never too early to teach your kids about STDs, These toys will make them seem cuddly and fun.
Hello Kitty Machine Gun This is no toy! Get your kid a REAL Hello Kitty Kalashnikov. Maybe you don’t trust your kids with real firearms. Instead, try this:
Batman Squirt-Gun I’ll bet your kids can figure out how to make Batman squirt.
Wolverine Inflatable Your kids will love blowing-up this inflatable bath toy.
Sponge-Bob Needs a Fix Plush Toy Who doesn’t these days? If you’re smart, long ago you decided that you’d rather spoil a pet than raise a child. We’ve got GREAT PRICES on EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SPOIL YOUR PET!!!:
Doggie Umbrella Umbrella for human not included.
Cat Shaped Litter Box Scoop Like your cat gives a fuck. Finally, how about gifts for the writer in your life?
Butt Pen Holder The chain is completely unnecessary. Believe me, no one is ever going to steal that pen.
Cat Pencil Sharpener Is this for cat lovers, or cat haters? I don’t know, but if you are really looking for a gift for me…
Badger Theremin This is an electronic musical instrument built into a taxidermied Badger. I WANT ONE!!!
…and with that, we’ll stick a fork in in, and call it done for 2014.
See you next year.