Disclaimer. You know, if I had ever seen Jersey Shore, or knew who Justin Bieber was, I would probably make jokes about them, just like everyone else, but I have a low tolerance for popular culture. On the other hand, I don’t want to turn this into a political blog. I really don’t think anyone in the political arena deserves more attention than “Snooky”, whoever she is. However, The Professor suggested I take a look at this year’s crop of Republican presidential candidates.
Helping the GOP “Mainstream” the Tea Party
The Professor is right. What an amusing crop of GOP presidential candidates we have this year. I really like this new “Tea Party” wing of the GOP. They’re passionate, colorful, incoherent and rebellious, like hippies used to be. They don’t care if people think they are crazy. They don’t care if people think they are stupid. They drank the kool-aid and now they’re mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore. I’m totally with them there.
Most pollsters concur, however, that the extreme positions of the Tea Party contingent fall outside of mainstream public opinion. I know how they feel. But, I’ve got a few ideas on how the Tea Party could hone their message in a way that it could attract a broader support base, because with a few small changes, I could really get behind them myself.
We already have so much in common: I’m for smaller government. I’m vindictive and full of hate. I like guns and want to kill people. I’d vote for a candidate who would cut spending, especially if he did it this way:
Eliminate veterans benefits, the GI Bill and the VA. Let’s just eliminate these entitlement programs once and for all. Why should military personnel enjoy these “Cadillac” pensions and benefits packages, paid for by taxpayers? People working in the private sector have mostly conceded to volatile 401K plans and high-copay minimal coverage health insurance, at best, just to “keep America competitive”. Just because you went to Afghanistan to kill brown people for Dick Cheney, don’t expect any favors from me. If we can’t afford pensions for teachers, construction workers, office managers, factory workers, or line cooks and wait-staff for that matter, why should they be forced to pay these exorbitant taxes to cover the pensions of people who’s only real purpose is to destroy life and property. Taxpayers should not “incentivise” this kind of destructive behavior with these excessive and unwarranted benefits.
Lay-off the military. Remember, “A gang is a weapon that you trade your mind for, and the military is the biggest gang of all” Perry Ferrell said that, and he knew what he was talking about. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. We can stop 90% of all gang violence in the world by just cutting military spending, not just “to the bone”, but through the bone.
Not one more dime! Clean out your office and go home. We’re selling the Pentagon off as condominiums, renovation starts tomorrow. Troops still on active duty in Iraq or Afghanistan will have to pay for their own ticket home. If they decide to stay, they’ll have to get a fucking job! As for their weapons….
Free Guns. I say, “The American people paid for those weapons. Those weapons belong to the American people, and the American people should have them.” Disband the military and give the American people the weapons they paid for. From hand-grenades to nuclear submarines, we’ve got something for every American man, woman and child. We the People can defend our country!
No more unpopular wars in obscure places, thousands of miles away, that most of us couldn’t even point to on a map! Let’s have popular wars, against the people we really hate, the Mexicans, and the Canadians if they step out of line. If the American people are going to pay for a war, dammit, the American people deserve to experience it first-hand, not just see it on TV.
Lay off Congress. If we eliminate the military, and we stop paying taxes, Congress won’t have a hell of a lot to do. So why pay for all of those offices and salaries and “Bentley” benefits packages. Let the bastards get real jobs in the real economy.
The Supreme Court too. We could live without the Supreme Court, no problem. Mostly, they uphold the founding American principle that “Might makes Right”. We don’t need courts to uphold that principle. So, why should we pay for them?
Make Miss America President. Of course, we need a president. Every country needs a figurehead to entertain foreign dignitaries. We need someone who is a picture of decorum and poise, and knows how to work a room. In other words, we need Miss America. This annual beauty pageant faces declining TV ratings lately. Adding the title of President of the United States, and residence in The White House to the prize would pump some life into this venerable American institution.
By combining the title of Miss. America, with that of President of the United States, we can insure that most other countries will want to have friendly relations with us. We can also show women everywhere that the “glass ceiling” has finally shattered. Every American girl will grow up knowing that she could, one day, be President of the United States, so long as she looks really hot, and doesn’t act too slutty.
If I could trust these Tea Party Republicans to drown government in a bathtub like they promised, I’d be partying with them now, but all they want to do is punish poor people. That’s just stupid. How do you punish people who have nothing?
What would you do, make them sleep outside in the elements, wake them up whenever they fall asleep, and force them to keep moving? That’s how we treat them already. We already torture the poor, and blame them for everything from global warming to to the bank bail-out. Somehow this fails to dissuade people from becoming poor. Every year we have more and more poor people. Angry poor people, like myself, are a growing demographic that the GOP can no longer afford to ignore.
The Republicans need a new scapegoat…Like, maybe the super-rich. I already hate the rich. I can easily believe that the rich caused the housing crisis, global warming, the bank bail-out, the immigration problem, 911, even poverty. You don’t even have to provide me much evidence. I know it’s true. I can feel it in my bones. It resonates. Punish the super-rich. That’s an easy sell if ever I heard one.
Punish the “job creators”. Jobs suck! Jobs just discourage entrepreneurship, innovation, and the kind of independence that made this country strong. We don’t want a nation of drones who expect a fat paycheck just for showing up at work every day. We want a nation of imaginative, self-motivated people who act on their own ideas and can build the kind of nation we all want to live in.
Fuggetabout roads. We don’t need roads. If you’re not going to work, and you’re not going to school, where the hell do you think you are going? We just need Freedom, Liberty, Free Guns, Crazy Ideas, and a really hot President.
That’s a vision of America I could get behind, and the Tea Party should too.