Category Archives: Satire

Star Trek Predicted, Mr. Spock Inspired

StarTrekCast

We all mourn the passing of actor, photographer, and singer, Leonard Nimoy. But let’s face it. Were it not for a single role he played, on a short lived TV show from the ’60s, most of us wouldn’t give a rats ass about Leonard Nimoy.

leonard nimoy piano

Mr. Spock, however, the eminently logical, half-alien, science officer of the Starship Enterprise became a role model for a whole generation of emotionally distant men, and Star Trek’s vision of a bright, high-tech future captured our imagination and defined our aspirations as a culture.

spock live long and prosper

Star trek provided us with a vision of the future that we could look forward to. We had solved all of our Earthly problems, managed to have friendly, cooperative relations with thousands of other civilized high-tech cultures from far-flung galaxies. We had plenty of resources, and the technology, to send 5,000 young people into deep space on a giant spacecraft capable of traveling several times the speed of light, just to see what kind of trouble they could get into.

star trek USS_Enterprise_(NCC-1701)

Star Trek showed us that we could go anywhere in the galaxy, at any time of year, and we didn’t even need to bring a sweater.

star trek landing party

Star Trek taught us that the universe was full of intelligent alien species who were, inexplicably, sexually compatible with humans, and spoke English, and Star Trek demonstrated how hairspray had become ubiquitous throughout the cosmos.

star trek alien women-tile

It’s an attractive fantasy, but a fantasy nonetheless. Today, in honor of the, by all accounts, warm, loving, and emotionally secure Leonard Nimoy, who, through his timeless portrayal of Mr. Spock, inspired so many naïve young men to become lonely sociopaths, we look back at Star Trek to see just how well it predicted the future. For instance:

spock generation of sociopaths

Star Trek correctly predicted that we would have wireless communication devices that fit in the palm of our hands. They had these devices in Star Trek, yet somehow, they did not play with them all day.

star trek kirk communicator

Star Trek correctly predicted that we would talk to our computers. However, on Star Trek, the computer understands what they say, and responds. We mostly just curse at our machines when they crash.

spocks computer

Star Trek correctly predicted that we would all wear ugly polyester uniforms.

star trek shore-leave

Star Trek could not have predicted how we look in them.

fat person in polyester

Star Trek correctly predicted that we’d always be at work. You never see anyone wearing civies on the Enterprise. They’re always in uniform, and they’re always on duty. Get used to it America.

overworked employee

Star Trek correctly predicted that, women would have to wear mini skirts to work, and take orders from an asshole like William Shatner, if they want to earn a living. Who would have imagined?

star trek kirk uhura

Star Trek correctly predicted that doctors would have better things to do than see patients. Look, doctors are the only people who can afford to do what they want in this society. If you could afford to do whatever you wanted to do, would you choose to preside over an endless parade of sick people complaining about their illnesses. Fuck no! You’d be like, “Gimme a phaser, Jim, and let’s go check out the local action.”

star trek spock mccoy guns

Star Trek correctly predicted that everyone would be single. I believe that Mr. Spock’s parents were the only married couple ever depicted on the show. Other than that, everyone in the show was single. Today, for the first time ever, more American adults are single, than in a committed relationship, yet oddly….

star trek spocks parents

Star Trek correctly predicted that no one would have sex. In Star Trek, it’s like everyone is so impressed with their own intelligence and sense of purpose that they’ve lost all connection with their genitalia. Maybe “getting fixed” is a prerequisite for admission to Starfleet Acadamy, but a crewman on the USS Enterprise is at least 20 times more likely to be killed by hostile aliens than get laid. I’m afraid that’s true of most of my friends as well.

Star-Trek crew

Star Trek correctly predicted that in the future no one would cook. On Star Trek you never see a kitchen. Instead, they take a lump of inedible inorganic material, put it on a plate, and place it inside of a high-tech box for a few seconds.

star trek food synthesizer

Miraculously it comes out looking something like food. Yes, Star Trek predicted Hot Pockets.

star trek hot pockets

As you can plainly see, a lot of things that looked cool on Star Trek, kinda suck in real life. If you think about it, a cheesy sci-fi TV show is a pretty stupid thing to build a cultural mythology around, but its a pretty stupid culture, or as Mr. Spock would say, “Highly illogical.”

spock highly illogical


Garberville’s Visionary Artist Ron Machado

visionary artist The-Witness-By-Adam-Scott-MIller

Surrounded by lush forests in rugged mountainous terrain, in the southern quarter of Humboldt County, lies the sad little town of Garberville, CA.

Garberville welcome to buy

Infamous as a global drug trafficking hub, Garberville has become Mecca for drug dealers, and drug addicts alike who flock here in droves to pursue their lifelong ambition to make money and get high. The huge sums of money associated with the illegal drug trade, draws other unsavory characters to this little burg as well.

Unsavory-Characters

Real-estate agents, bankers, and greedy businessmen eager to hitch their wagon to the prohibition gravy train, line Garberville’s main drag offering overpriced mediocrity served with heartless indifference. In recent years, Garbervile’s pathos has become even more famous than its pot, and with good reason. After all, you can grow good pot anywhere, but watching the stagnating black-market economy turn this self-selecting community of callous, greedy, small-minded people into a cauldron of seething resentment, open hostility, and violence evokes that special blend of pity and disgust like no place I’ve ever been before.

Tragic Pathos

Rising like a lotus from this cesspool, one artist dares to defy the vortex of darkness with his singular creative vision.

lotus

Ron Machado challenges this small town’s image of itself with assemblages of found objects which spring defiantly from the oppressive landscape of commercial exploitation. Like Banksy, the famous, albeit anonymous London street artist, Machado eschews the rarified atmosphere of galleries and museums, preferring instead to transform the stifling homogeneity and crass utility of the small Northern California town he has called home for more than two decades.

ron machado3

Machado’s artworks often appear overnight, in unexpected, but very public places, usually in Garberville’s business district, where he carefully reveals the madness concealed within the mundane. Machado’s angular, assertive and unapologetic artworks occupy parking spaces, take over vacant lots, and sometimes even appear in the middle of major thoroughfares. They look almost functional, but overflow with playful frivolity, physical non-sequiters and mind-bending juxtaposition.

ron machado crop

Like many artists of exceptional vision, Ron Machado is mocked, misunderstood, and unappreciated in his hometown, where he is more often described as a homeless, mentally-ill, pain-in-the-ass, than as an artist. Local townspeople have repeatedly removed and destroyed Machado’s artworks, and this past week, an unknown assailant attacked Ron Machado physically.

assault

The assailant sprayed Ron’s face, and his belongings with flammable liquid, and attempted to set both on fire. Fortunately Ron escaped serious injury, but the ensuing blaze engulfed Ron’s belongings, filling Garberville with the acrid stench of burning plastic for most of the afternoon.

burning tent

While Ron has been arrested numerous times, and is well known to police for making public art, the arsonist who attempted to murder Ron remains at large, blending into the community, who appear to be protecting his identity. Undaunted, Ron has returned to his work, and continues to create art in Garberville with the reckless passion of a true visionary.

ron machado2 bright crop

I encourage all art enthusiasts to make a trip to Garberville to see Machado’s latest work. To view Machado’s work before local townspeople dismantle it, it pays to arrive early in the morning. It is hard to know where a Machado original will pop up next, but in a town mostly devoid of interesting art, Machado’s installations stand out conspicuously against the dull backdrop of repressive commercialism.

capitalism boring

Pack a lunch, because the restaurants in Garberville mostly suck, and don’t bother shopping, because the prices are ridiculous, but Machado’s creations make the trip worth while. While you’re up this way, be sure to visit Eureka, one of America’s great small art towns, only 65 miles or so to the North. With lots of public art, many fine galleries, and a vibrant local art scene, not to mention better restaurants and lower prices, Eureka is a great place to spend the rest of the day, and your money, after a Machado morning in Garberville.

Eureka_artsalive-tile

Arts Alive, held on the first Saturday of every month in Eureka

 


Unexpected Gifts

unexpected gifts lions testicles

The week of Christmas seems like the ideal time to acknowledge a couple of gifts I have received this year which seem somehow related to my work here at lygsbtd. I don’t know whether these gifts came in appreciation of my writing, or just to show me how it’s done.

babe ruth quote

The first of these gifts mysteriously appeared in my mailbox at KMUD. It was a little book titled Yet Another Beautiful Day in Paradise by Fred Inthehills. I’ve heard Fred’s voice on KMUD, but I’ve not yet met him. I’m not at all sure I would recognize him if I saw him in town. I assume he put the book in my box, but I don’t know for sure.

The book I received had a much nicer cover than this.

The book I received had a much nicer cover than this.

What I liked best about Fred’s book was Fred. I like the way he thinks. I enjoyed his story and I encourage you to read it. It’s short. It won’t take you long. Yet Another Beautiful Day in Paradise has all of the elements of a classic Humboldt “back to the land” fairy tale. Every good Humboldt “back to the land” fairy tale has to have these elements:

elements of a fairy tale

The Cheap Land Story Every good “back to the land” fable has to have a story about how the person got their land, and how easily it came into their possession. For example, they came up here to attend a party, got shitfaced drunk, and woke up to find half of their money gone, and the deed to a 40 acre parcel in their hand.

hungover with deed in hand

The Marijuana Story Every “back to the land” fable recounts the protagonists long relationship with that misunderstood friend, Mary Jane. Every “back to the land” fable portrays marijuana as a positive influence, and as a helpful ally. Marijuana is a beautiful thing. What makes these old “back to the land” fables great is that when the describe all of the great things that marijuana does for them, money has nothing to do with it.

cannabis can help

Instead, they talk about how marijuana saved them from alcohol, or fighting, or hard drugs, and that they were able to substitute marijuana for any of these things, and no matter how hard they tried to abuse marijuana, they could not hurt themselves. That’s some special magic there, and that’s a true story if ever I heard one. Marijuana saves lives, especially when you’ve got plenty of it, and finally, we get to the last element that every “back to the land” fairy tale must include…

memorable sex1

The Sex Story. Eventually, all “back to the land” stories include a tale of a memorable night of amazing sex, that invariably leads to real offspring. If you live around here, and you read a lot of these stories, there’s a good chance that you know more than you need to know about the origins of some of your friends.

scooch

These “back to the land” fables all end there, with the happy, poor, family living in a tiny, hand-built, unpermitted, cabin in the woods, with more marijuana than they could possibly smoke.

hippy family

I call these stories “fables,” not because they never happened, but because they never happen anymore. If it isn’t true now, then it was never true. Today, it is nearly impossible to find a place to live in Humboldt County, and the prices are ridiculous. The hills are full of dope yuppies, and nobody around here talks about marijuana except as a product, and as a business.

cannabusiness

In contrast, the other gift I received this year revealed a more enduring truth about this community. According to the barista at the cafe I frequent, “This weird guy” asked her to give this pamphlet to my partner Amy, who in turn, gave it to me. This pamphlet turned out to be an issue of the Gulch Mulch, an underground zine out of the Whale Gulch area. The issue I received, dated Spring of 2002 includes a lot of historic artifacts that seem timeless for this area. The Anti-Hippie Petition of 1969 could have easily been written last week, in regard to “the homeless.” The names and the faces have changed, but the bigotry and intolerance remain.

homeless guitar2

The Gulch Mulch dutifully reported the endless petty bickering and behind the scenes drama that engulf every local institution in a murky shroud as thick and impenetrable as the fog in Redway. That sure hasn’t changed, but I wish we had a little gossip zine like the Gulch Mulch today so that we could get all the dirt, without actually getting dirty. get dirty

The Gulch Mulch included some funny bits and some autobiographical pieces as well.

funny bits

I really enjoyed The Gulch Mulch and Yet Another Beautiful Day In Paradise. So, to whoever among you sent them my way, Thank you very much.

happy face


The LYGSBTD Holiday Gift Guide pt 2

holiday_gift_guide_part_2

As you could probably tell from last week’s post, I’m just so full of Christmas Spirit this year, that I’m about to hurl eggnog and candy canes into the next manger I see. Yes, it’s the holiday gift giving season, and Christmas is right around the corner. That’s right, you worked right through the Spring, Summer and Fall of 2014. Now it’s Winter again. The weather sucks. You hate your job. You hardly recognize your own family, and you’ve accomplished none of the things you hoped to do this year. Merry Christmas! You have no money, but your credit is still good, so you’re going Christmas shopping!

5-Stages-of-Shopping-Christmas-333-x-500

You can’t buy your life back, but you can buy people off, and an extra special Christmas gift will easily make up for all of those months of neglect. But what do you get for the people who mean enough to you to spend money on them at Christmas, but not enough to really care about them the rest of the year? How can you know their likes and dislikes, their interests and proclivities, their long-term dreams, or any of the other things that make them a unique individual, without actually paying attention to them the rest of the year? If you don’t know anything about them, how can you pick out a gift that will mean something to them? The challenge can be overwhelming.

christmas overwhelming

I understand, and I’m here to help. Your loved ones don’t understand how much stress you are under. Being around them is work, and they expect so much from you, but you love them, at least you did before you went completely numb. You don’t want to let them down at Christmas time. You’re willing to spend the money. I won’t let you blow it.

dont blow it1

When buying a gift for someone who means a lot to you, but that you don’t really know very well, keep this in mind. Get them something that will impress their friends. Even if the person you give it to, doesn’t like it, their friends will see this gift, and remind that person of just how lucky they are to receive such a nice gift, and that whoever gave it to them must really love them. Even if they know better themselves, hearing that sentiment expressed again and again, from their friends, will keep their feelings towards you in a state of perpetual conflicted ambivalence. Call it “love.”

call it love

Here’s a few suggestions:

jetpack martin

Jet Pack. This will instantly make anyone popular and change their life, if they survive. With this, you can pack a whole lifetime’s worth of “love” into a single, explosively powerful, spectacularly impressive gift. Gift’s like this obliterate the individuality of the recipient, while they celebrate the generosity of the giver, so choose the gift based on your own personality, rather than that of the recipient. Here’s another idea:

quadski1 Quad/Jetski I’ll bet that a lot of people around here will find one of these under their Christmas Tree this year, but maybe making noise and going fast doesn’t float your boat. Try this:

barbecue-dining-boat

Barbecue Boat Everyone eats. Why not do it in the middle of a lake? Big ticket gifts like this really steal the show at family get-togethers, making other people’s gifts seem puny and insignificant by comparison. That’s how you solve your little gift-giving problem. If you can afford it, crush it!

crush it

This kind of generosity drives our economy and makes our world the miracle of modern technology that it has become. It isn’t what we wanted, but everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are to have it. Thanks… I guess.

thanks i guess1

Speaking of technology. Here’s a gift for that special woman in your life, the one you haven’t had time for lately, but hasn’t filed for divorce yet. It’s a very personal gift, made uniquely impersonal:

ohmibod5

OhMiBod vibrator app for smart phones. OhMiBod consists of two parts, the hardware: a small, blue-tooth enabled, battery powered vibrator, designed to fit in a woman’s underwear, and the software: an app that you download to your smart-phone. The app allows you to control the vibrator from up to 26 ft away, perhaps even from another room, by blue-tooth, or from anywhere in the world, with a wifi connection.

ohmibod4

Imagine. You could be watching the game with your buddies.

watching the game

They’d just think you were sending a text to your bookie or something. Fiddle with your phone for ten or fifteen minutes while you drink beer and joke with your friends. Then call her up and say “I love you babe” and hang up. She’s satisfied, and you didn’t have to miss a single play.

ohmibod6

What about gifts for men? Well what do men like? Men like boobs. Men don’t care what it is, as long as it has boobs, so give men something that has boobs.

boob radio

Boob Radio. Yes, this radio has boobs, but when it comes down to it, all knobs and buttons are surrogate nipples and boobs, so most guys like almost any gadget. The more knobs and buttons it has, the better.

knobs2

That just leaves pets. Pets don’t really care about gifts, unless they can eat them, and then they are always welcome. Still, some people insist on buying inedible gifts for their pets, so why not take their money.

take my money

Who cares if the pet enjoys the gift. That’s not the point. Usually, the pets do not like the gifts at all. In fact, animals generally have to be sedated before they will tolerate most of these products long enough to snap a promotional photo.

how high

Here’s a selection:

beaks for dogs

Beaks for Dogs. Is this the “Crocks” of dog muzzles? These dogs hate this. They have better taste than that.

dog hats

Knitted Hats for Dogs Do you think those dogs like those hats? No! Those dogs are wasted! If you want to make your dog happy, give them drugs, and then don’t dress them up in silly costumes. But what about cats?

CATS-turntable

DJ ScratchCat Turntable Scratching Post. Your cat would rather have a cardboard box to tear-up, but whatever. You’ve got $35 bucks to blow.

money to blow

There you have it folks:

HOMELESS gift1

Gift ideas for everyone on your Christmas gift list. Wake me when it’s over.

wake me when its over


Please Buy My New Book: On The Money: Economics for the 99%, How the Economy Works, and Why It Works Against You.

OTM ebook cover

At last, I am very pleased to announce the publication of my first book: On The Money: Economics for the 99% or, How The Economy Works and Why It Works Against You. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll remember On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a series of weekly essays that appeared here from 2011-13.

OTM WHAT DID CAVEMEN KNOW

Besides offering a thought provoking, phenomenological analysis of our current economic system, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains some of my best and funniest writing. The fact that Savage Henry Magazine and Fifth Estate Magazine have both published essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series, should tell you that On The Money: Economics fro the 99% is both funny enough for stupid people and radical enough for smart people.

stupid_creates

Essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series remain some of the most popular posts here at lygsbtd, and you can still find them highly ranked on my “most read” (“Stuff People Read”) section in the right-hand column. My new book, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains classics like:

classics like
Gilligan’s Island as Economic Metaphor
Barbie v Bratz
Hello, My Name is Civilization and I’m an Alcoholic
MyPee
How To Party Now That the Party’s Over
Unemployment
Foie Gras
Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
along with 62 other great essays first published here. I’ve revised and updated them all, so they’re even funnier and more relevant than before. Even if you’ve already read all of these essays before, out of order, and over the course of three years, you haven’t seen the whole picture. You owe it to yourself to read the book in it’s completion. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

whole is greater

You owe it to me too! For three and a half years now I pour myself out for you. Every week, thousands of you come here for some little respite from your miserable lives. You slurp up whatever I have to offer, and then you slink away. Well it’s time to pay the piper!

Pay_the_piper

What’s it worth to you folks?

worth it6

We’re only talking about $5 here! That works out to about 14 essays, or 14,000 carefully chosen words, for each dollar. That’s a hell of a bargain if you ask me, and you’ve had plenty of opportunity to sample the wares, so don’t tell me you’re not interested, because you’re here, for God’s sake.

you are here snake

Please, if my work means anything to you, and you want to see this blog continue, buy a copy of On The Money: Economics for the 99%. You won’t regret it. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is a great book. You’ll love reading it. I love reading it, and I hate to read. I guarantee that you will not find a more entertaining or informative book about economics anywhere, at any price.

OTM CLICK HERE NOW

You need to know this stuff. On The Money: Economics for the 99% examines our modern economy from the perspective of someone who has to live in it. This book explains how the economy consumes you, your world, and your future.

OTM gas flare

To save yourself, you need to know how the economy really works. Your future depends on it. I know you don’t want to think about it. That’s why I always look for the weird angle, and try to keep it playful. If you can laugh at it, you can beat it.

OTM ever wonder duck

Come on folks! I am your writer. I tell the truth, and I make it entertaining. You may not always agree with me. Hell, you may not ever agree with me, but something brings you back, week after week. Well, if you want to keep coming back, and finding new stuff here, show some appreciation for the three and a half years of my life I’ve already given you. Even if you can’t read, and just come here to look at the pictures,PLEASE, BUY MY FUCKING BOOK! It has a great cover!

OTM promo DETAILS AMAZING

I’m serious people! I need your help right now. $5 from you will make a huge impact on my life, and you’ll get a great 70,000 word ebook, that I put a hell of a lot of work into, to read at your leisure. Put it on your card, charge it to your pay pal account, however you want to do it is fine, just DO IT NOW!! Please.

OTM everyone buys it

And buy a copy for a friend. Surely you know someone who really needs to see things from a different perspective. Give On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a gift. Infect others with these ideas, don’t just let them fester inside your own head. On The Money: Economics for the 99% has the potential to change the economy, by changing the way people see it.

OTM because life

It’s going to take a movement folks, and the more people who read On The Money: Economics for the 99%, the faster that movement will grow. So, please, get the word, and spread the word. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is the book everyone must read today.

can u longgif


We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford

We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford

rob-ford-smoking-crack

I gotta hang out with Rob Ford more. The mayor of Toronto knows how to party doesn’t he? I mean, all politicians drink; nothing surprising there, and I don’t blame them for it a bit. You have to drink to get through all of those meetings.

politicians-drinking-

I’ve been to enough committee meetings, board meetings, public meetings, private meetings and conferences to know just how excruciatingly dull they can be. No one could survive them for long without anesthetic. Alcohol is the time tested prescription, and I mean alcohol, 80 proof minimum. Beer doesn’t cut it for public servants, but a few martinis gets the job done quickly, and without all those belches or trips to the bathroom.

Dry_Martini

Just last week, one of our local politicians, former County Supervisor Johanna Rodoni, got pulled over and cited for DUI after a meeting of the county fair board. Of course she was smashed! How else could she endure three hours of blah… blah… blah… about the goddamned county fair? The woman is not made of stone!

stoned woman

Not Johanna Rodoni

You cannot have government without alcohol. In fact, the two are codependent. Without government there’s no alcohol and without alcohol, there’s no government. Alcohol and government are both symptoms of a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle. When things have gotten so bad that armed men in uniform patrol your streets, detain people, and demand that you pay them off, you’re pretty well screwed. If you think that’s a good thing, you’re really screwed-up.

cops_brutal

I call it “The Tyranny of Tedium”. If government were interesting or exciting, more people would pay attention to it. Politicians don’t want that. Politicians want want people to ignore what they do, and they do their best to bore the pants off of anyone who is paying attention. Then, at the end of the meeting, after the last concerned citizen has nodded off, they ram through the deal that siphons all the tax revenue into their pockets. For centuries, politicians have used alcohol to help them wait out the public and bore them into submission.

boring-meeting

So, all politicians drink. That doesn’t make them fun to hang out with. In fact, sober or drunk, politicians are usually dull company. If they’ve become successful at the tyranny of tedium, it’s usually because they have a natural talent for inducing boredom in others. Government gives them the opportunity to capitalize on that gift. To compensate, politicians hire people to find them entertaining.

hire a hooker

Politicians and prostitutes go together like peanut butter and jelly. Politicians sell themselves all the time, so they have a lot in common with prostitutes, and really enjoy their company. For politicians, an afternoon spent sipping martinis with some high-priced prostitutes on a campaign donors yacht, really helps boost their morale, and reminds them why they decided to devote their lives to public service in the first place. So, they make sure to schedule these kinds of events periodically. I’m sure they find it entertaining, but that still doesn’t make them fun people to hang out with.

woman sipping martini

I can see why a politician would enjoy cocaine too. I’ll bet a lot of them do it, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard about one getting caught. Cocaine is so easy to conceal. You’d think Mayor Ford could manage to do it more discretely, but I can see why he would like it. I’ll bet cocaine makes sex with prostitutes even more fun, and it probably helps him keep his eyes open in the afternoons after those three martini lunches.

martinis and cocaine

Cocaine users tend to be kind of unstable though, and they usually crash and burn in pretty short order. It starts as a little gleam in the eye. Then it becomes a nervous tick. Pretty soon, they become disturbingly animated over some insignificant detail, and after that, it doesn’t take long before they come completely unglued. Sometimes that can be entertaining to watch, especially if you don’t care about the person, and don’t loan them any money.

coke_cat_freak

I’ve never done much cocaine, myself. I tried it once or twice, and was not impressed. What did impress me, negatively, was the people I knew who did cocaine. While I generally like marijuana smokers, I have never cared much for cocaine users. I don’t know whether shallow, greedy, status-conscious, self-absorbed people tend to enjoy cocaine, or whether cocaine makes people shallow, greedy, status-conscious and self-absorbed, but I’ve found every cocaine user I’ve ever met, pretty much insufferable.

insufferable

I actually learned to grow my own marijuana, just so I wouldn’t have to hang out with cocaine users. Too many marijuana dealers use the profits from their marijuana sales to buy cocaine, at least too many of mine did. So, as soon as I could (my freshman year in college), I started growing my own. I never sold much of it though, because in order to sell it, I would have to hang out with the same vapid, dipstick, cocaine using marijuana dealers that I was growing my own marijuana to avoid in the first place.

know your dealer

So, why do I think Rob Ford would be such a great guy to hang out with?  I really like Rob Ford’s honesty.  It’s so refreshing in a politician.  Now that he’s been caught, he wants to be out about it. He’s like “Look, I’m a politician. I drink like a fish. I have sex with prostitutes, and I like to do hard drugs too, but I’m not addicted, and I buy my own drugs.  I don’t mooch off of other people.  Sure, I get a little crazy every once in a while; what do you expect?  I’m a piss-drunk coke-fiend for Christ’s sake!   I’m still a good guy, and I’m still the guy you voted for.   I may not be perfect, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is who I am.    Please accept me as your mayor.”

Ford-hood

I love it. I’m behind Mayor Rob Ford 100%. We need more politicians like Rob Ford. Politicians like Rob Ford actually make government interesting. If politicians like Rob Ford make government interesting enough, maybe people will wake up, and realize what a stupid idea it was in the first place.

government-a hell of a thing to do to your own kids


Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

 

Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

joel-cartoon-halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween, at least officially, but here in Southern Humboldt County, every day feels like Halloween. Silly costumes and cheesy decorations can’t compare with the scary stuff we contend with all the time here in SoHum. Here’s a sample:

carpathian

Black Cats I don’t know why anyone would be afraid of a house-cat because of it’s color, whatever it was, but we do have some black cats around here that will make your heart stop. Mountain lions are scary enough, but in our forests, black, or melanistic mountain lions are fairly common. Of the three mountain lions that have crossed my path here in Humboldt, two of them were black, nose to tail. I saw one black mountain lion while walking on BLM land in the King Range and another ran across the road as I was driving through Honeydew.

NHP-ARO001849A

Skeletons We have more skeletons around here than we have closets to stuff them into here in Humboldt County. If you wander around the hills of SoHum long enough, eventually you’re bound to discover some human remains. You might find a bloated corpse at the tide-line on the beach, a tennis shoe, with a foot still inside it sticking up out of the river bar, or a mauled and partially eaten limb abandoned by a bear in the woods. So many people go missing in Southern Humboldt every year that if you walk in the woods long enough, sooner or later you’ll find one, or become one.

skeleton-and-crow

Ghosts We have at least two ghosts in SoHum, and they are both the ghost of chance. That is, in our small rural community, we have two candidates who are both running for Congress, and each of them has a ghost of a chance of being elected. If you believe in ghosts, you might consider voting for Andy Caffrey or Dale*. There’s a scary thought.  *Dale works at Shop Smart in Redway, and has officially announced his candidacy.  I couldn’t find his last name anywhere, but if you live here, you know who I’m talking about.

caffrey joint-fix

Zombies Meth eats brains, leaving in its wake, toothless, hollow-eyed, walking corpses that wander the streets in search of…money… MONEY… MUST HAVE MONEY. This mindless quest for more money has infected almost everyone in SoHum, so the streets are full of zombies, but brains are hard to come by. Frankly, if people in SoHum had more brains, they wouldn’t need so much money, but try convincing a zombie of that.

zombies-money

Bats Nocturnal flying mammals that devour mosquitoes by the thousands are a real blessing here in SoHum. However the bats wielded by local townsfolk strike more than fear into the hearts of the poor and homeless.

bat upside down

Witches Humboldt County’s Wiccan community is responsible for cleaning up a stretch of Highway 101 North of Redcrest, and they have their own Spiritual Perspectives show on KMUD. Around here, witches are pretty mainstream.

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Pumpkin-Headed Dummies What would Halloween be without Halloween dummies made of old clothes stuffed with fall leaves, with a jack-o-lantern perched on top for a head. We have a scary, empty-headed stuffed-shirt around here all the time. We call him Blake Lehman.

halloween dummy

Trick or Treat If you ate at Treats, you were probably tricked into it.

Treats

Bigfoot Sightings Sure, the famous Patterson-Gimlin film, regarded as the most convincing evidence of the existence of Bigfoot, was shot near Willow Creek on the other side of the county, but you can see large, hairy, odoriferous primates of unknown origin any day of the year in SoHum. On Wednesday mornings, you might just see one working on his blog.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt


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