Introducing: The lygsbtd Smart Phone App
(Thanks to Fanny Oakley for this brilliant idea)
I know that, these days, a lot of you do most of your web browsing on your smart-phone. I’ve never used a cell phone myself, smart or otherwise, but I see you out there, entranced by your little glowing slab, completely oblivious to anything else happening around you. Yes, I see all of you hot, sexy young people, obsessively fondling your little gadgets, and it occurred to me that you could be fondling me. That’s why I invented the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do smart-phone app.
Now we can share the intimacy of the tiny touch screen. I can feel the gentle caress of your nimble fingertips as you zoom in and out, perusing my weekly posts, comforted by the soothing warmth of your body heat as you cradle me in your delicate hands. Tight against the supple curve of your hip as I ride around in your pocket, you’ll share all of the most intimate details of your life with me, your browsing habits, the phone numbers of all of your friends, your account numbers, passwords and PINs. I’m so eager to meet all of your friends, and to get to know you better.
Yes, I’m really looking forward to moving into this deeper phase of our relationship through your personal mobile device. For years now I’ve put myself out there for you. You can read what I have to say and enjoy free entertainment, but I’ve never asked you for anything in return before. Now, we have the opportunity for a little more give and take in the relationship, and I think you will find it a much more satisfying experience for both of us.
You just have to take the next step. Download the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do app to your iphone or Android based smart-phone, and we can begin this new phase in our relationship. The Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do app only costs $1.99, but don’t hesitate at the price. It’s a mere pittance really, and I need to know that you really want to take the next step. Believe me, compared to what lies ahead for us together, $1.99 will seem like nothing at all.
Of course, you have to agree to the terms of the user agreement, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m sure you’ve clicked through dozens of similar agreements without even reading them, and I encourage you to do the same with this one. It’s just a formality really, and the quicker you agree to it, the sooner we can get to the content you so passionately desire.
BY DOWNLOADING THE “LIKE YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING BATTER TO DO” APPLICATION FOR MOBIL DEVICES, YOU, HEREAFTER IN THIS DOCUMENT, REFERRED TO AS “THE USER” (IRONICALLY), AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING:
USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR OF THIS APPLICATION, HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS “THE PURVEYOR”, COMPLETE AND UNFETTERED ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE MOBIL DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, AS WELL AS ANY AND ALL INFORMATION ON OTHER DEVICES, WEBSITES, SERVERS, ETC THAT THE PURVEYOR CAN ACCESS BY MEANS OF UTILIZING THE INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THIS DEVICE.
THE USER AGREES THAT ALL PHOTOS VIDEOS OR OTHER MEDIA STORED ON THE DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, OR ANY OTHER DEVICE THE PURVEYOR MAY ACCESS THROUGH THE DEVICE SHALL BE HENCEFORTH DEEMED THE SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY OF THE PURVEYOR. THE PURVEYOR MAY FREELY USE, COPY AND DISTRIBUTE SAID MEDIA IN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, FOR ANY PURPOSE, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE USER HEREBY RELINQUISHES ANY AND ALL RIGHTS TO SAID MEDIA AND GRANTS EXCLUSIVE WORLDWIDE COPYRIGHT OF SAID MEDIA TO THE PURVEYOR.
IN SUCH CASE AS THE USER DID NOT PREVIOUSLY OWN THE EXCLUSIVE COPYRIGHT TO SAID MEDIA, THE USER ACCEPTS FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY LOSS, LIABILITY OR CLAIMS MADE BY THE RIGHTFUL OWNER OF THE COPYRIGHTS FOR ANY USE OF SAID MEDIA BY THE PURVEYOR.
THE USER HEREBY GRANTS PERMISSION TO THE PURVEYOR TO UTILIZE THE DEVICE FOR COMMUNICATION PURPOSES, UTILIZING ANY AND ALL MODES THAT THE DEVICE IS CAPABLE OF, FOR WHATEVER PURPOSE THE PURVEYOR DEEMS APPROPRIATE, USEFUL, CONVENIENT, PROFITABLE, OR ENTERTAINING. THE USER FURTHER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE CHARGED, WITH SUFFICIENT BATTERY POWER, OR DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO A POWER SOURCE AT ALL TIMES.
THE USER AGREES TO MAINTAIN AT LEAST 30GIGABYTE PER MONTH DATA PLAN AND RESERVE AT LEAST 25 GIGABYTE PER MONTH FOR USE BY THE PURVEYOR. THE USER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE WITHIN STRONG SIGNAL RANGE AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT TO INTERFERE IN ANY WAY WITH THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE.
THE USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL BANK ACCOUNTS, LINES OF CREDIT, EXPENSE ACCOUNTS, FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS, REAL ESTATE HOLDINGS AND OTHER INVESTMENT ACCOUNTS HELD BY THE USER OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS, FOR ANY REASON. THE USER HEREBY GRANTS THE PURVEYOR PERMISSION TO MAKE ANY AND ALL TRANSACTIONS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO BALANCE INQUIRIES, DEPOSITS, WITHDRAWALS, OPENING OR CLOSING OF ACCOUNTS, PURCHASES OR SALES OF ITEMS OR ASSETS ON ANY AND ALL SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS.
THE USER SHALL CREATE NO OBSTACLE TO PREVENT THE PURVEYOR’S ACCESS TO SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS. THE USER SHALL NOT TRANSFER FUNDS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS, NOR MAKE CHANGES PIN NUMBERS OR PASSWORDS, WITHOUT PROVIDING THE PURVEYOR WITH ALL INFORMATION AND PERMISSIONS NECESSARY TO ACCESS ANY AND ALL ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS HELD BY THE USER, OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS.
THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH ENTHUSIASTIC SEXUAL GRATIFICATION AT ANY TIME, ON DEMAND OF THE PURVEYOR, AND TO PRESENT ANY AND ALL SEXUAL ORIFICES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE USERS MOUTH, VAGINA AND ANUS IN A LUBRICATED AND RECEPTIVE MANOR FOR SAID GRATIFICATION, ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF THE USER. FURTHER THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH THE USERS COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY, AND TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS REGARDING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES TRUTHFULLY.
ANY OFFSPRING RESULTANT FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BETWEEN THE USER AND THE PURVEYOR, OR ANY OTHER PERSON SHALL BECOME, AT AGE 18, THE INDENTURED SERVANT OF THE PURVEYOR FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF SAID OFFSPRING. THIS AGREEMENT EXEMPTS THE PURVEYOR FROM ANY OTHER LIABILITY OR OBLIGATION TO THE USER OR SAID OFFSPRING FOR ANY REASON.
THE USER AGREES TO HOLD THE PURVEYOR BLAMELESS, HARMLESS AND EXEMPT FROM ANY CLAIMS, CHARGES, LIABILITIES, OR LAWSUITS MADE BY THE USER, THE USER’S AGENTS, FRIENDS, CONTACTS, SPOUSES, BUSINESS PARTNERS, OR ANY OTHER PERSONS AGAINST THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DAMAGE TO THE DEVICE CAUSED BY THE APPLICATION, LOSS OF DATA, FAILURE OF THE APPLICATION TO MEET USER EXPECTATIONS, FINANCIAL LOSSES, PROPERTY LOSSES, ANY APPLICABLE FEES, LOSS OF CREDIT, PHYSICAL HARM, MENTAL ANGUISH, EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, LEGAL FEES, OR DEATH STEMMING FROM THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE, THE INFORMATION OBTAINED THROUGH THE DEVICE, THE USER, THE USERS OFFSPRING OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. FURTHER, THE USER AGREES TO REIMBURSE THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY AND ALL EXPENSES THE PURVEYOR MAY INCUR RESULTANT FROM ANY SUCH CLAIMS.