twinkies – Like You've Got Something Better To Do

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Introduction

If you are like me, you’ve become frustrated by the accuracy of old-fashioned personality tests. Both the Rorschach Ink Blot Test and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory leave a lot to be desired, especially when you need to put together a specialized focus group. When I’m designing an ad campaign to exploit a particular phobia, neurosis, or compulsion, I need a focus group that shares that weakness. I don’t have the time or inclination to listen to them for hours like a therapist or psychiatrist, and I’m not interested in helping them.

Those other, currently available metrics, while perfectly adequate for the psychiatric health-care community, lack the detail necessary for public relations and advertizing work. I designed this test so I didn’t have to spend so much time around the wackos and nut-jobs that I help corporations take advantage of.

Of course, the complete key to scoring the test remains a proprietary secret, but by now, tens of thousands of people have taken the test, so the questions have become public knowledge. While the test reveals nearly everything about the psychological profile of the subject, but on the broadest level, all people who take this test, invariably fall into four main personality types.

At the end of the test, I will tell you enough about scoring the test, for you to discover your broad personality type. It surprises many people to learn their personality type, and they often find it interesting, even though that level of analysis really doesn’t help me, as a heartless manipulator of the feeble-minded, much at all. So, I’m happy to share it with you. Also, since you are scoring this test yourself, and not providing me with your answers, you can enjoy the test and learn your personality type, without turning the keys to your mind over to me.

To score the test, I suggest that you divide a sheet of paper into four sections, and label them A, B, C, and D. Every time you answer a question, make a hash mark in the section corresponding to the answer you choose. More about scoring after you take the test. Now get started!

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Phase 1 Basic Intelligence

How many Star Wars movies have you seen?

A) Every film in the series once

B) Every film in the series once, and some more than once

C) Every film in the series once, and any Star Wars film more than 10 times

D) The original Star Wars film once
If “D”, why?

A) Lousy dialogue

B) Shallow Characters

C) Weak story

D) Special effects not quite spectacular enough to overcome other weaknesses

Phase 2, Conscious Self-Image

What’s the matter with you?

A) It’s hereditary

B) It’s an autoimmune disorder

C) I was severely traumatized as a child

D) I blame society
Where do you get off?

A) Exit 34 S

B) In a dungeon themed hotel room

C) At Costco

D) Any Wifi hotspot
What were you thinking?

A) It was more of a sexual fantasy than a thought

B) I hope there’s something funny here

C) I wonder if they ever did figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop

D) How long til lunchtime
Where were you on the night of Feb. 17?

A) At home in my bedroom having sex with an inflatable pig

B) At an all night prayer vigil for the victims of Jersey Shore

C) Spinnin’ spliffs and tippin’ 40s wit my homies in da crib

D) Learning to speak urban slang from an instructional CD

Phase 3, The Subliminal Self

If you were an invertebrate, inhabiting a Northern California tide-pool, would you be…

A) a Giant Rock Scallop

B) a Lurid Rock Snail

C) a Red Rock Crab

D) a Giant Rock Louse
If your life were a book, who would the author be?

A) Dr. Seuss

B) Tom Robbins

C) Franz Kafka

D) Stephen King
Which of these movies do you most identify with

A) Zombieland

B) Sid and Nancy

C) Fight Club

D) Eraserhead
If you were a bottle of shampoo, would you be…

A) Concentrated Prell

B) Medicated Head and Shoulders

C) Pantene with Protein and conditioners

D) Suave
If you were an over-the-counter medication, would you be…

A) Compound W

B) Preparation H

C) Coricidan D

D) Exedrin PM
If you were an illegal drug, would you be

A) LSD

B) PCP

C) DMT

D) MDMA
If you were a cartoon character, would you be…

A) Bugs Bunny

B) Charlie Brown

C) Scooby Doo

D) Hong Kong Phooey
If you were a criminal offense, would you be…

A) Murder 1

B) Grand Theft Auto

C) Breaking and Entering

D) Vagrancy
If you were a moving violation, would you be…

A) Speeding

B) Driving Under the Influence

C) Failure to yield the right of way

D) Reckless operation
If you were a member of The Beatles, would you be…

A) John Lennon

B) Paul McCartney

C) George Harrison

D) Ringo Starr
If you were a member of The Bangles, would you be…

A) Susana Hoffs

B) Vicki Peterson

C) Debbie Peterson

D) Annette Zilinskas
If you were a member of The Rolling Stones, would you be…

A) Mick Jagger

B) Kieth Richards

C) Bill Wyman

D) Charlie Watts
If you were a member of The Chipmunks, would you be…

A) Alvin

B) Theodore

C) Simon

D) Dave
If you were a tropical fruit, would you be…

A) pineapple

B) banana

C) guava

D) mango
If you were a cruciferous vegetable, would you be…

A) broccoli

B) Brussels sprouts

C) Cauliflower

D) cabbage
If you were a large carnivorous reptile, would you be…

A) a salt-water crocodile

B) a Burmese python

C) an American Alligator

D) a Gila monster
If you were a fast food chain, would you be…

A) McDonalds

B) Wendy’s

C) Taco Bell

D) Pizza Hut
If you were a snack food, would you be..

A) potato chips

B) cheese curls

C) Oreo cookies

D) Twinkies
If you were a major environmental catastrophe, would you be..

A) Chernobyl nuclear explosion

B) Fukushima nuclear meltdown

C) BP Macondo well blowout

D) Bhopal chemical plant disaster
If you were a twentieth-century international bloodbath, would you be…

A) WWI

B) WWII

C) The Korean Conflict

D) The Vietnam War

Phase 4, Overt Attitude Towards Others

Which of these statements best describes your attitude towards others

A) Give, so that others may live

B) Live and let live

C) Live and let die

D) Kill, kill, kill
On average, how many other people do you have to deal with on a daily basis

A) Less than 5

B) 5-10

C) 11-49

D) 50 or more
What is your attitude towards children

A) They should be seen, heard and listened to

B) They should be seen, but not heard

C) They should be heard, but not seen

D) They should never be seen or heard from again

Phase 5, Unconscious Attitude Towards Others

If other people were the ocean, would you be…

A) Jacques Cousteau

B) Flipper

C) a Somali pirate

D) The Titanic
If other people were dogs, would you be…

A) a cat

B) another dog

C) the postman

D) a fire hydrant
If other people were cats, would you be

A) a dog

B) another cat

C) a mouse

D) catnip
If other people were mice, would you be

A) cheese

B) a cat

C) a hamster

D) an old lady with a broom

Phase 6, Overt World-View

Is the world…

A) a blessed and benevolent place

B) a place where only the strong survive

C) an illusion of our own making

D) a place of wickedness
When was the last time you had sex outdoors

A) today

B) in the past month

C) in the past year

D) more than a year ago

Phase 7, Unconscious World View

Which of these films best describes your relationship to the world

A) Saving Private Ryan

B) Being There

C) Alice in Wonderland

D) Silence of the Lambs
In the Great Pizza Pie of Life, are you..

A) the crust

B) the sauce

C) the cheese

D) the pepperoni
If life is a highway, are you…

A) in the fast lane

B) in the slow lane

C) in the breakdown lane

D) dropping rocks from an overpass bridge

Phase 8, Overt Attitude Towards the Author and His Work

Are you with me so far?

A) I didn’t get past the title

B) It looks like a hella long list of questions, this one just popped out at me

C) Yeah, is it gonna get funny soon?

D) Yes, Master
How do you feel about me, as the author of this test, as the author of this blog, and as a person

A) I want to have your baby

B) I like you because I enjoy reading your blog

C) I don’t like you because I’ve met you in real life

D) I hate your guts and wish you were dead, but here I am reading your blog
When do you read this blog

A) When I’m bored at work

B) Never, I just look at the pictures

C) 5 times a day, religiously

D) Only when you write about me
Would you have sex with this blog if…

A) It lost some weight

B) It had bigger tits

C) It wore sexier clothes and flirted more

D) It brushed its teeth once in a while
What would you like to see more of in this blog

A) naked dead people

B) stuff that’s on fire

C) people with weird diseases

D) titties

Phase 9, Unconscious attitude towards the author and his work

If this blog were a 5,000 year-old stone statue of a venerated deity from a long-dead civilization, would you…

A) smash it to bits

B) put it in your garden

C) sell it on Ebay

D) worship it
If this blog were on fire would you be…

A) a volunteer firefighter

B) the arsonist

C) a rubbernecking gawker

D) a burn victim
If this blog were the assassination of JFK, would you be…

A) the grassy knoll

B) the Zapruder film

C) Lee Harvey Oswald

D) Jackie Kennedy
If this blog were Global Climate Change, would you be…

A) the Ross Ice Shelf

B) American Samoa

C) a polar bear

D) a California Superstorm
If this blog were a flying insect, would it be…

A) a firefly

B) a mosquito

C) a dragonfly

D) a June-bug
If this blog were a brand of cat food, would it be…

A) Happy Cat

B) Purina Cat Chow

C) 9Lives Seafood Platter

D) Fancy Feast
If this blog were a TV sitcom, would it be…

A) 30 Rock

B) The Office

C) Gilligan’s Island

D) I Love Lucy
If this blog were a tattoo, would it be…

A) a flaming,bug-eyed skull

B) a dragon

C) a naked woman with big tits

D) gullible white boy, written in Chinese characters
If this blog were a strain of weed, would it be…

A) Green Crack

B) Trainwreck/BC Kush

C) Sexi-Mexi

D) Nebraska Ditch Weed
If this blog were a serial killer, would it be

A) John Wayne Gacy

B) Jeffery Dahmer

C) Hannibal Lector

D) Charles Manson

Phase 10, Gratuitous Questions to Satisfy the Authors Prurient Interest

Have you ever had an interesting, unusual or particularly memorable sexual experience

A) No

B) Yes

C) Maybe

D) ask again, later
If “B” above, please describe, in as much detail as possible, in the comments section below.

Scoring the Test:

now that you’ve taken the test, add up how many times you answered A, B, C, and D respectively.

Type A Personality

If you answered A more often than B,C, or D, you probably didn’t take the time to read the other answers thoroughly. Type A personalities tend to be impatient, always one step ahead of themselves. If you are a Type A personality, slow down, take time to smell the coffee before you inject it directly into your veins.

Type B Personality

If you answered B more often than you answered A, C, or D, its probably because you learned in school, that if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice test question, go with B because statistically, B is right more often than other answers. While that may be true in school, in this test, your B answers tell me that you are the kind of person who plays it safe. Type B personalities avoid undue risk. They are careful, perhaps too careful. They avoid unprotected sex with strangers, don’t share hypodermic needles, don’t talk on their cell phone while driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and never, ever wear white after Labor Day. In other words, they are as boring as rocks.

Type C Personality

If you answered C more often than you answered A, B, or D, you probably speak Spanish, and did not understand the questions. Gracias por participar. Tenga un buen día.

Type D Personality

People who answered D more often than they answered A, B, or C… If you answered D more often than you answered A,B, or C… If you answered D more often than A, B, or C, …than, um, …what was it? Oh yeah, short term memory loss. If you answered D more often that A, B, or C, its because you suffer from short term memory loss. In case you forgot, you just took the new lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile test.

Statistical Margin of Error

If you answered A, B, C, and D, an equal number of times, you did not add correctly. Roughly 10% of all subjects who take the test will incorrectly tally their score.

You Call That Cooking? Twinkie Flambe

I’ve noticed that a lot of popular blogs revolve around cooking. Personally, I’m not that into cooking, but I’m into having a popular blog. So, today, I launch the first, in a new, occasional feature, that I’m calling:

You Call That Cooking?

…or, How to make, not quite a meal, from stuff that is not quite food.

Since I don’t cook that often, most of the recipes I have seen, were printed on the labels of other prepared foods: Rice Krispy Treats, Ritz Cracker Mock Apple Pie, 7Up cake and Chex Party Mix to name a few.

I always liked these recipes because they gave the impression that you could do something creative with these hyper-processed food products, instead of just staring blankly at a glowing screen while eating them right out of the box or bag. Not that I ever actually prepared any of these recipes, just the idea that somewhere, someone was doing something less pathetic with these products than I was, seemed somehow edifying.

Did you know that you can baste a pork roast with Coca-Cola?

coca cola pork roast — Coca Cola Pork Roast

I wonder why you don’t see recipes like that on Coca-Cola anymore. Probably because no one makes pork roast anymore. Who’s got two hours to squirt Coke on a pork roast? I guess Coke figured that you consume more Coke when you go out to eat, than you ever will cooking at home. Now they offer coupons to Taco Bell on their packages instead.

Also, the few people who still cook, have become more snobby. They want organic, vegan, bio-dynamic, gluten-free ingredients, without additives, preservatives, artificial flavorings or colorings. They want to eat food, and ever since Michael Pollen’s book, the Omnivore’s Dilemma, they harbor a very prejudicial view of what that entails. Those people can go eat chard in hell!

With Hostess facing bankruptcy, threatening the very existence of Twinkies, Ho-hos, and Ding-dongs, the time has come to really explore the culinary potential of these oft ridiculed, and under-appreciated food-like products. Today, I offer a truly elegant, exciting and delicious way to prepare Twinkies, that you will be proud to serve at your next dinner party.

Twinkies Jubilee Flambe

This recipe combines three of my very favorite culinary elements: 1)Twinkies, 2)Booze, and 3)Arson, in a recipe that not only tastes delicious, but gets you fucked-up, and explodes in a ball of flame on your dining room table.

You’ll need:

Twinkies, 1 or 2 per serving

Brandied fruit, 4 oz per serving. Cherries, berries, peaches or pears will work. If you don’t have fruit preserved in brandy, use canned fruit, and add a shot of flavored brandy (peach brandy for peaches, cherry brandy for cherries etc.) per serving. I usually brandy a few quarts of blackberries every year, to enjoy the following winter, and this is a great way to enjoy them.

Sugar, 4-6 heaping teaspoons per serving.

Juice of ¼ orange per serving.

Flaming Brandy ½ oz per serving. Flaming brandy is really high octane booze, approx 150 proof, you can substitute 151 proof rum or grain alcohol if you can’t find Flaming Brandy at your liquor store.

Preparation:

Don’t try to prepare this dessert ahead of time. Think of the preparation of this dessert as after dinner entertainment for your guests, ideally, performed at the table.

Step1. Remove Twinkies from their plastic wrapper (you might want to do that part in the kitchen).

Step2. Place Twinkies on dessert plates. Don’t ever try to serve this dessert on paper plates! Always use glass, ceramic or China plates.

Step3. In a saute pan, over medium heat, combine fruit, fruit brandy, sugar and orange juice.

Step4. Gently stir the mixture until the sugar dissolves completely, and the mixture begins to bubble.

Step5. When the mixture gets good and hot, and has begun to thicken, add Flaming Brandy carefully!

Step6. Set the whole mess on fire! You can do this with a match, or a simple “flick of the bic”, or you can pour a little of your Flaming Brandy into a spoon, hold the spoon up to one of your dinner candles, when the booze in the spoon catches fire, pour it into the saute pan, igniting the contents.

Or, if you want to get fancy, just slide the saute pan off of the flame, and as you pour the Flaming Brandy into the pan, dribble a little over the edge of the pan, into the flame. The flame will climb the stream of booze into the pan, igniting the mixture. Remember, you are doing this on purpose. Don’t flinch! You want to burn off most of the alcohol in the mixture, not your home, tablecloth or guests. A spastic reaction at this point can turn your best dinner party into the night you lost everything. So, be careful! You don’t want to live the rest of your life as a hideously deformed freak, like Richard Pryor.

Step7. Scoop the still flaming mixture over Twinkies, and serve. If you get this dish good and hot before you light it, the alcohol will burn quickly and spectacularly. You will barely have time to set the finished dessert in front of your guests before it the flame goes out. If you spill any of this fruit flavored napalm, smother it quickly and calmly with a napkin. If things get out of hand, don’t hesitate to dial 911.

As long as you don’t burn the house down, you probably won’t screw up this recipe. If you add more sugar, it will be sweeter. If you add more flavored brandy it will be boozier. If you add more Flaming Brandy, it will singe your eyebrows off when it flames. However it turns out, it will impress your guests, because everyone likes to see stuff catch fire, and everyone loves Twinkies. Bon Apetit

Addendum to The Snack-Cake Wars

Addendum to The Snack-Cake Wars

Last week I presented, as an installment of my regular column, On The Money, Financial Advice for the Working Class, a piece called The Snack-Cake Wars. While I covered the story of consolidation and collapse within the snack-cake industry from a free-market perspective, my research revealed other dark, chocolaty forces at work, beneath the heavily frosted surface.

While its doubtful that Hostess could withstand Little Debbie’s pricing advantage for long, under the present economic conditions, I uncovered incontrovertible evidence of a secret branch of the Little Debbie empire, responsible for covert “Black Ops” attacks against the Hostess network, that certainly hastened that company’s recent demise.

These “Black Ops” teams, mounted a campaign against Hostess, responsible for hamstringing the company’s response to cash-flow problems, and demoralizing the staff and management. The actions taken against Hostess involved numerous episodes of espionage and sabotage, and culminated with the murder and kidnapping of American citizens.

Little Debbie Smile Squads These highly trained, seasoned mercenaries, know martial arts, carry fully automatic assault weapons, high explosives and have air power to back them up. They often travel in small, blacked out, armored vehicles invisible to radar, and carry out missions with impunity, seeming at will.

Early Sunday morning of January 15^th, Little Debbie Smile Squad 6 broke into the Simi Valley home of J. Thomas Twinkie Jr., aka The Twinkie Kid, and murdered him, execution style, in his own bedroom. Smile Team 6 also kidnapped Twinkie’s wife Tina and stole computers, flash drives and documents from Twinkie’s home.

Hours later, Smile Team 6 Dumped the lifeless body of the man who invented, developed, and marketed the immortal snack-cake that bears his name, into the Pacific Ocean, somewhere between Catalina and Kuala Lumpur. Soon thereafter a video of the entire gruesome assault and murder appeared on a Youtube video posted at a radical Little Debby fan website.

The J. Thomas Twinkie Jr. murder, and the kidnapping of his wife struck fear throughout the Hostess network. If Little Debbie could murder Twinkie, in his fortified compound on his vineyard in Simi Valley, they could strike any of them, anywhere. Twinkie’s murder crippled and demoralized the Hostess network, right at the moment that they needed to wrestle with the short-term cash-flow problems plaguing the company. In many ways, Twinkie’s murder sealed Hostess’ fate.

Twinkie’s murder outraged Californians, and Simi Valley Sheriffs issued an arrest warrant for Little Debbie herself, as well as Does 1-6, the as yet unidentified members of Smile Squad 6. The murder and kidnapping of US citizens by a multinational snack-cake superpower raised issues of sovereignty, due process, and human rights. Angry crowds burned effigies of Little Debbie at protest marches all over California.

Still, Little Debbie snacks remain on grocer’s shelves all over America, because everyone knows, that without the nausea that Little Debbie snacks induce in the poor and down-trodden people who eat them, the oppressed masses would certainly rise up in an unstoppable rebellion leading to complete chaos.

So, despite the public outrage, the arrest warrants, and the condemnation by elected officials, Little Debbie continues to operate with impunity in the US. If you are considering stepping into the vacuum in the snack-cake industry left by Hostess, to compete with Little Debbie, head-to-head, be prepared. Little Debbie is one tough cookie.

On The Money, The Snack-Cake Wars

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Working Class

The Snack-Cake Wars

Recently, I found myself tempted, at a gas station register, by “Zingers”. You may recall, “Zingers”, I know I do, as frosted snack-cakes, packaged three to a pack, in three distinct colors, pink, off-white, and dark-brown, with three correspondingly different blends of artificial flavorings. Packages of “Zingers”, as I recall from my fondest childhood memories, always conspicuously bore the image of “Snoopy”, the beloved beagle from the comic-strip of old, Peanuts, by Charles Schultz.

Dolly Madison, not the President’s wife, but the company of the same name, that manufactured “Zingers”, had a deal with Schultz, and one of the big three TV networks to sponsor all of the Peanuts TV specials. For decades, Dolly Madison and Peanuts were inseparable.

So, when I saw these “Zingers”, as I paid for my fill-up, I looked for my old friend “Snoopy.” He wasn’t there. Apparently, “Snoopy” was the first victim of the Snack-Cake Wars. Then, instead of the Dolly Madison logo, I saw the word that shocked me to my core, “Hostess”.

“Hostess!” Had Hostess mounted a hostile snack-cake-takeover? How could the SEC Allow it? Don’t we need competition in the snack-cake market? How could they let “Big Twinkie” gobble up its chief competitor? What choice is left to snack-cake consumers? Little Debby?

You can’t be serious. Little Debbie is to snack-cakes, what Hamms is to beer, or what Ripple is to wine. Who will compete with Hostess in the upscale snack-cake market?

What do you mean you don’t consider “Twinkies” upscale? Have you ever tasted a Little Debbie Moonpie? A marshmallow smooshed between two pieces of cardboard tastes better than a Little Debbie Moonpie.

Now, I hear that Hostess itself, currently teeters on the brink of insolvency. The news just gets worse, doesn’t it? How can that be? Did the Dolly Madison acquisition leave them over-leveraged and vulnerable, or did Dolly Madison and Hostess merge to fend off an all out assault by Little Debbie? Will Twinkies, Zingers, Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Snowballs and Fruit Pies become a thing of the past, like passenger pigeons and black African rhinos? Will we stand idly by and watch it happen?

I know Little Debbie, or Lil’ Deb’ as they call her in “Da Hood”, has gained a lot of “street-cred” in recent years, while the Twinkie has seemingly become a victim of its own success. While oft ridiculed for its ubiquity and its durability, we should not forget that the Twinkie ranks as one of mankind’s greatest culinary technological achievements, for exactly those reasons.

Now it appears that sweet, innocent, Little Debbie, will gun down the Twinkie Kid, in cold blood, bringing to an end, forever, the golden age of snack-cakes. Clearly, its a race to the bottom now, and Little Debbie has a big head-start.

That’s what capitalism looks like. It’s bloody, its ugly, and it tastes like a marshmallow shmooshed between two pieces of cardboard, leaving all of the fondly-remembered snack-cakes of your youth, dead and buried in the dust of time.

Little Debbie doesn’t make fond childhood memories. Little Debbie reminds you of hard times, sad times, and desperate times. Little Debbie is what you eat when you can’t even afford McDonald’s. While Mickey D has “the Dollar Menu”, Little Debbie will hook you up, even if all you have is a quarter.

That’s how Lil’ Deb’ earns her street-cred. Little Debbie can turn hunger into nausea cheaper than anyone. Yes, Little Debbie has gotten rich off the hunger of the poor and down-trodden in these difficult economic times, and now she’s throwing her weight around in the snack-food industry.

Twinkies, on the other hand, have become the Pat Boone of snack-cakes, suburban, white, old-fashioned, and out-of-touch. I guess this is what the collapse of civilization looks like. Everything decent, noble, and righteous about our culture, gets cast aside, and torn asunder for any last scrap of profit that can be wrung from its corpse.

If you want your grandchildren to know the sweet, sweet, eternal softness of a Twinkie, you had better stock-up now. Every American family should have a stash of heirloom Twinkies, so that they can share with their children, the taste born of the very pinnacle of American social, cultural, and military dominance. While the American Empire fades into the dustbin of history, the taste of its brief triumph can linger on the lips of your descendants for generations, if you act now.

Your grandchildren will want to know what was so great about capitalism, that it was worth sacrificing 95% of the planet’s biodiversity for. If you buy a box of Twinkies now, you will be able to show them why it was all worth it.

A Boon for Investors?

Investors, if Hostess goes under, Twinkie production ceases, but Twinkie demand will continue. The laws of the free market say that under these circumstances, Twinkie prices will rise. Rising Twinkie prices means profits for shrewd investors who stockpiled Twinkies before the demise of Hostess.

Willard Dwarkin at Moodies Analytic says, “Hostess looks shaky right now, but as long as Twinkies remain in production, they can continue to meet demand at the current price. However, we expect a dramatic spike in Twinkie prices in the weeks and months following a bankruptcy filing by Hostess. Even if another company buys the Twinkie division, and continues production, we expect that pre-collapse Hostess products will maintain their appeal, and appreciate in value, not unlike “pre-CBS takeover” Fender guitars and amplifiers.”

To illustrate, Dwarkin added, “Recently, Dr. Pepper/Snapple brands made a deal to take over an obscure Texas soft-drink company marketing a product called “Dublin Dr. Pepper”. Since the takeover, unopened bottles of Dublin Dr. Pepper have sold for as high as $9,985, even though the identical product, Dr. Pepper still sells for under $1.00 a bottle. We think Twinkies have an even greater potential for appreciation.”

Dwarkin continued, “If however, Twinkies go out of production, which in our analysis, is about a 50-50 chance, we could see a dramatic rise in Twinkie prices that will continue to outpace inflation for the foreseeable future.”

“We expect that, in the future, Twinkies will trade like any monetized durable commodity. But, unlike gold or platinum, for which mining continues, constantly adding to the world supply, every time someone eats a Twinkie, the world supply will diminish by one. Twinkies are nearly as durable as gold, much lighter to transport, and have the added advantage over gold, in that you can eat them.”

Of course it is possible that a large run on Twinkies by investors may solve some of Hostess’s cash flow problems, possibly delaying, or even averting bankruptcy, but Dwarkin thinks otherwise. “Our numbers suggest that Hostess lacks the production capacity to respond to an unprecedented strong short-term demand. We feel a surge in investor interest in the Twinkie market could cause prices to surge well in advance of any bankruptcy filing by Hostess. In any case, Twinkie prices are not likely to drop much under any market condition, so we see very little risk to investors here. Moodies is very bullish on Twinkie futures right now.”

Obviously the snack-cake sector of the economy is undergoing dramatic upheaval at the moment, but the one thing you can count on, to remain stable for decades into the future, is the eternally soft, and immortally creamy Twinkie.