I’ve noticed that a lot of popular blogs revolve around cooking. Personally, I’m not that into cooking, but I’m into having a popular blog. So, today, I launch the first, in a new, occasional feature, that I’m calling:
You Call That Cooking?
…or, How to make, not quite a meal, from stuff that is not quite food.
Since I don’t cook that often, most of the recipes I have seen, were printed on the labels of other prepared foods: Rice Krispy Treats, Ritz Cracker Mock Apple Pie, 7Up cake and Chex Party Mix to name a few.
I always liked these recipes because they gave the impression that you could do something creative with these hyper-processed food products, instead of just staring blankly at a glowing screen while eating them right out of the box or bag. Not that I ever actually prepared any of these recipes, just the idea that somewhere, someone was doing something less pathetic with these products than I was, seemed somehow edifying.
Did you know that you can baste a pork roast with Coca-Cola?
I wonder why you don’t see recipes like that on Coca-Cola anymore. Probably because no one makes pork roast anymore. Who’s got two hours to squirt Coke on a pork roast? I guess Coke figured that you consume more Coke when you go out to eat, than you ever will cooking at home. Now they offer coupons to Taco Bell on their packages instead.
Also, the few people who still cook, have become more snobby. They want organic, vegan, bio-dynamic, gluten-free ingredients, without additives, preservatives, artificial flavorings or colorings. They want to eat food, and ever since Michael Pollen’s book, the Omnivore’s Dilemma, they harbor a very prejudicial view of what that entails. Those people can go eat chard in hell!
With Hostess facing bankruptcy, threatening the very existence of Twinkies, Ho-hos, and Ding-dongs, the time has come to really explore the culinary potential of these oft ridiculed, and under-appreciated food-like products. Today, I offer a truly elegant, exciting and delicious way to prepare Twinkies, that you will be proud to serve at your next dinner party.
Twinkies Jubilee Flambe
This recipe combines three of my very favorite culinary elements: 1)Twinkies, 2)Booze, and 3)Arson, in a recipe that not only tastes delicious, but gets you fucked-up, and explodes in a ball of flame on your dining room table.
Twinkies, 1 or 2 per serving
Brandied fruit, 4 oz per serving. Cherries, berries, peaches or pears will work. If you don’t have fruit preserved in brandy, use canned fruit, and add a shot of flavored brandy (peach brandy for peaches, cherry brandy for cherries etc.) per serving. I usually brandy a few quarts of blackberries every year, to enjoy the following winter, and this is a great way to enjoy them.
Sugar, 4-6 heaping teaspoons per serving.
Juice of ¼ orange per serving.
Flaming Brandy ½ oz per serving. Flaming brandy is really high octane booze, approx 150 proof, you can substitute 151 proof rum or grain alcohol if you can’t find Flaming Brandy at your liquor store.
Don’t try to prepare this dessert ahead of time. Think of the preparation of this dessert as after dinner entertainment for your guests, ideally, performed at the table.
Step1. Remove Twinkies from their plastic wrapper (you might want to do that part in the kitchen).
Step2. Place Twinkies on dessert plates. Don’t ever try to serve this dessert on paper plates! Always use glass, ceramic or China plates.
Step3. In a saute pan, over medium heat, combine fruit, fruit brandy, sugar and orange juice.
Step4. Gently stir the mixture until the sugar dissolves completely, and the mixture begins to bubble.
Step5. When the mixture gets good and hot, and has begun to thicken, add Flaming Brandy carefully!
Step6. Set the whole mess on fire! You can do this with a match, or a simple “flick of the bic”, or you can pour a little of your Flaming Brandy into a spoon, hold the spoon up to one of your dinner candles, when the booze in the spoon catches fire, pour it into the saute pan, igniting the contents.
Or, if you want to get fancy, just slide the saute pan off of the flame, and as you pour the Flaming Brandy into the pan, dribble a little over the edge of the pan, into the flame. The flame will climb the stream of booze into the pan, igniting the mixture. Remember, you are doing this on purpose. Don’t flinch! You want to burn off most of the alcohol in the mixture, not your home, tablecloth or guests. A spastic reaction at this point can turn your best dinner party into the night you lost everything. So, be careful! You don’t want to live the rest of your life as a hideously deformed freak, like Richard Pryor.
Step7. Scoop the still flaming mixture over Twinkies, and serve. If you get this dish good and hot before you light it, the alcohol will burn quickly and spectacularly. You will barely have time to set the finished dessert in front of your guests before it the flame goes out. If you spill any of this fruit flavored napalm, smother it quickly and calmly with a napkin. If things get out of hand, don’t hesitate to dial 911.
As long as you don’t burn the house down, you probably won’t screw up this recipe. If you add more sugar, it will be sweeter. If you add more flavored brandy it will be boozier. If you add more Flaming Brandy, it will singe your eyebrows off when it flames. However it turns out, it will impress your guests, because everyone likes to see stuff catch fire, and everyone loves Twinkies. Bon Apetit