Fight Club – Like You've Got Something Better To Do

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Introduction

If you are like me, you’ve become frustrated by the accuracy of old-fashioned personality tests. Both the Rorschach Ink Blot Test and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory leave a lot to be desired, especially when you need to put together a specialized focus group. When I’m designing an ad campaign to exploit a particular phobia, neurosis, or compulsion, I need a focus group that shares that weakness. I don’t have the time or inclination to listen to them for hours like a therapist or psychiatrist, and I’m not interested in helping them.

Those other, currently available metrics, while perfectly adequate for the psychiatric health-care community, lack the detail necessary for public relations and advertizing work. I designed this test so I didn’t have to spend so much time around the wackos and nut-jobs that I help corporations take advantage of.

Of course, the complete key to scoring the test remains a proprietary secret, but by now, tens of thousands of people have taken the test, so the questions have become public knowledge. While the test reveals nearly everything about the psychological profile of the subject, but on the broadest level, all people who take this test, invariably fall into four main personality types.

At the end of the test, I will tell you enough about scoring the test, for you to discover your broad personality type. It surprises many people to learn their personality type, and they often find it interesting, even though that level of analysis really doesn’t help me, as a heartless manipulator of the feeble-minded, much at all. So, I’m happy to share it with you. Also, since you are scoring this test yourself, and not providing me with your answers, you can enjoy the test and learn your personality type, without turning the keys to your mind over to me.

To score the test, I suggest that you divide a sheet of paper into four sections, and label them A, B, C, and D. Every time you answer a question, make a hash mark in the section corresponding to the answer you choose. More about scoring after you take the test. Now get started!

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Phase 1 Basic Intelligence

How many Star Wars movies have you seen?

A) Every film in the series once

B) Every film in the series once, and some more than once

C) Every film in the series once, and any Star Wars film more than 10 times

D) The original Star Wars film once
If “D”, why?

A) Lousy dialogue

B) Shallow Characters

C) Weak story

D) Special effects not quite spectacular enough to overcome other weaknesses

Phase 2, Conscious Self-Image

What’s the matter with you?

A) It’s hereditary

B) It’s an autoimmune disorder

C) I was severely traumatized as a child

D) I blame society
Where do you get off?

A) Exit 34 S

B) In a dungeon themed hotel room

C) At Costco

D) Any Wifi hotspot
What were you thinking?

A) It was more of a sexual fantasy than a thought

B) I hope there’s something funny here

C) I wonder if they ever did figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop

D) How long til lunchtime
Where were you on the night of Feb. 17?

A) At home in my bedroom having sex with an inflatable pig

B) At an all night prayer vigil for the victims of Jersey Shore

C) Spinnin’ spliffs and tippin’ 40s wit my homies in da crib

D) Learning to speak urban slang from an instructional CD

Phase 3, The Subliminal Self

If you were an invertebrate, inhabiting a Northern California tide-pool, would you be…

A) a Giant Rock Scallop

B) a Lurid Rock Snail

C) a Red Rock Crab

D) a Giant Rock Louse
If your life were a book, who would the author be?

A) Dr. Seuss

B) Tom Robbins

C) Franz Kafka

D) Stephen King
Which of these movies do you most identify with

A) Zombieland

B) Sid and Nancy

C) Fight Club

D) Eraserhead
If you were a bottle of shampoo, would you be…

A) Concentrated Prell

B) Medicated Head and Shoulders

C) Pantene with Protein and conditioners

D) Suave
If you were an over-the-counter medication, would you be…

A) Compound W

B) Preparation H

C) Coricidan D

D) Exedrin PM
If you were an illegal drug, would you be

A) LSD

B) PCP

C) DMT

D) MDMA
If you were a cartoon character, would you be…

A) Bugs Bunny

B) Charlie Brown

C) Scooby Doo

D) Hong Kong Phooey
If you were a criminal offense, would you be…

A) Murder 1

B) Grand Theft Auto

C) Breaking and Entering

D) Vagrancy
If you were a moving violation, would you be…

A) Speeding

B) Driving Under the Influence

C) Failure to yield the right of way

D) Reckless operation
If you were a member of The Beatles, would you be…

A) John Lennon

B) Paul McCartney

C) George Harrison

D) Ringo Starr
If you were a member of The Bangles, would you be…

A) Susana Hoffs

B) Vicki Peterson

C) Debbie Peterson

D) Annette Zilinskas
If you were a member of The Rolling Stones, would you be…

A) Mick Jagger

B) Kieth Richards

C) Bill Wyman

D) Charlie Watts
If you were a member of The Chipmunks, would you be…

A) Alvin

B) Theodore

C) Simon

D) Dave
If you were a tropical fruit, would you be…

A) pineapple

B) banana

C) guava

D) mango
If you were a cruciferous vegetable, would you be…

A) broccoli

B) Brussels sprouts

C) Cauliflower

D) cabbage
If you were a large carnivorous reptile, would you be…

A) a salt-water crocodile

B) a Burmese python

C) an American Alligator

D) a Gila monster
If you were a fast food chain, would you be…

A) McDonalds

B) Wendy’s

C) Taco Bell

D) Pizza Hut
If you were a snack food, would you be..

A) potato chips

B) cheese curls

C) Oreo cookies

D) Twinkies
If you were a major environmental catastrophe, would you be..

A) Chernobyl nuclear explosion

B) Fukushima nuclear meltdown

C) BP Macondo well blowout

D) Bhopal chemical plant disaster
If you were a twentieth-century international bloodbath, would you be…

A) WWI

B) WWII

C) The Korean Conflict

D) The Vietnam War

Phase 4, Overt Attitude Towards Others

Which of these statements best describes your attitude towards others

A) Give, so that others may live

B) Live and let live

C) Live and let die

D) Kill, kill, kill
On average, how many other people do you have to deal with on a daily basis

A) Less than 5

B) 5-10

C) 11-49

D) 50 or more
What is your attitude towards children

A) They should be seen, heard and listened to

B) They should be seen, but not heard

C) They should be heard, but not seen

D) They should never be seen or heard from again

Phase 5, Unconscious Attitude Towards Others

If other people were the ocean, would you be…

A) Jacques Cousteau

B) Flipper

C) a Somali pirate

D) The Titanic
If other people were dogs, would you be…

A) a cat

B) another dog

C) the postman

D) a fire hydrant
If other people were cats, would you be

A) a dog

B) another cat

C) a mouse

D) catnip
If other people were mice, would you be

A) cheese

B) a cat

C) a hamster

D) an old lady with a broom

Phase 6, Overt World-View

Is the world…

A) a blessed and benevolent place

B) a place where only the strong survive

C) an illusion of our own making

D) a place of wickedness
When was the last time you had sex outdoors

A) today

B) in the past month

C) in the past year

D) more than a year ago

Phase 7, Unconscious World View

Which of these films best describes your relationship to the world

A) Saving Private Ryan

B) Being There

C) Alice in Wonderland

D) Silence of the Lambs
In the Great Pizza Pie of Life, are you..

A) the crust

B) the sauce

C) the cheese

D) the pepperoni
If life is a highway, are you…

A) in the fast lane

B) in the slow lane

C) in the breakdown lane

D) dropping rocks from an overpass bridge

Phase 8, Overt Attitude Towards the Author and His Work

Are you with me so far?

A) I didn’t get past the title

B) It looks like a hella long list of questions, this one just popped out at me

C) Yeah, is it gonna get funny soon?

D) Yes, Master
How do you feel about me, as the author of this test, as the author of this blog, and as a person

A) I want to have your baby

B) I like you because I enjoy reading your blog

C) I don’t like you because I’ve met you in real life

D) I hate your guts and wish you were dead, but here I am reading your blog
When do you read this blog

A) When I’m bored at work

B) Never, I just look at the pictures

C) 5 times a day, religiously

D) Only when you write about me
Would you have sex with this blog if…

A) It lost some weight

B) It had bigger tits

C) It wore sexier clothes and flirted more

D) It brushed its teeth once in a while
What would you like to see more of in this blog

A) naked dead people

B) stuff that’s on fire

C) people with weird diseases

D) titties

Phase 9, Unconscious attitude towards the author and his work

If this blog were a 5,000 year-old stone statue of a venerated deity from a long-dead civilization, would you…

A) smash it to bits

B) put it in your garden

C) sell it on Ebay

D) worship it
If this blog were on fire would you be…

A) a volunteer firefighter

B) the arsonist

C) a rubbernecking gawker

D) a burn victim
If this blog were the assassination of JFK, would you be…

A) the grassy knoll

B) the Zapruder film

C) Lee Harvey Oswald

D) Jackie Kennedy
If this blog were Global Climate Change, would you be…

A) the Ross Ice Shelf

B) American Samoa

C) a polar bear

D) a California Superstorm
If this blog were a flying insect, would it be…

A) a firefly

B) a mosquito

C) a dragonfly

D) a June-bug
If this blog were a brand of cat food, would it be…

A) Happy Cat

B) Purina Cat Chow

C) 9Lives Seafood Platter

D) Fancy Feast
If this blog were a TV sitcom, would it be…

A) 30 Rock

B) The Office

C) Gilligan’s Island

D) I Love Lucy
If this blog were a tattoo, would it be…

A) a flaming,bug-eyed skull

B) a dragon

C) a naked woman with big tits

D) gullible white boy, written in Chinese characters
If this blog were a strain of weed, would it be…

A) Green Crack

B) Trainwreck/BC Kush

C) Sexi-Mexi

D) Nebraska Ditch Weed
If this blog were a serial killer, would it be

A) John Wayne Gacy

B) Jeffery Dahmer

C) Hannibal Lector

D) Charles Manson

Phase 10, Gratuitous Questions to Satisfy the Authors Prurient Interest

Have you ever had an interesting, unusual or particularly memorable sexual experience

A) No

B) Yes

C) Maybe

D) ask again, later
If “B” above, please describe, in as much detail as possible, in the comments section below.

Scoring the Test:

now that you’ve taken the test, add up how many times you answered A, B, C, and D respectively.

Type A Personality

If you answered A more often than B,C, or D, you probably didn’t take the time to read the other answers thoroughly. Type A personalities tend to be impatient, always one step ahead of themselves. If you are a Type A personality, slow down, take time to smell the coffee before you inject it directly into your veins.

Type B Personality

If you answered B more often than you answered A, C, or D, its probably because you learned in school, that if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice test question, go with B because statistically, B is right more often than other answers. While that may be true in school, in this test, your B answers tell me that you are the kind of person who plays it safe. Type B personalities avoid undue risk. They are careful, perhaps too careful. They avoid unprotected sex with strangers, don’t share hypodermic needles, don’t talk on their cell phone while driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and never, ever wear white after Labor Day. In other words, they are as boring as rocks.

Type C Personality

If you answered C more often than you answered A, B, or D, you probably speak Spanish, and did not understand the questions. Gracias por participar. Tenga un buen día.

Type D Personality

People who answered D more often than they answered A, B, or C… If you answered D more often than you answered A,B, or C… If you answered D more often than A, B, or C, …than, um, …what was it? Oh yeah, short term memory loss. If you answered D more often that A, B, or C, its because you suffer from short term memory loss. In case you forgot, you just took the new lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile test.

Statistical Margin of Error

If you answered A, B, C, and D, an equal number of times, you did not add correctly. Roughly 10% of all subjects who take the test will incorrectly tally their score.