On The Money
Financial Advice for the Working Class
New Biotech Start-up goes Public
Golden Opportunity for Smart Investors
After years of hard work and countless man-hours of Research and Development, MyPee, my first patented biotech product hits store shelves in 15 test markets today. Ever since 1999, when I heeded the advice I read in Wired Magazine, and patented my own genome, I’ve dreamed of the day I would bring the first high-tech miracle of science, based on my own peculiar body chemistry to market. That day is today!
With the unveiling of my first patented biotech lawn care product, MyPee, I join the ranks of companies like Amgen and Monsanto in the biotech industry, revolutionizing the way we live through biotechnology. With the race to patent all life on Earth well underway, the biotech sector offers the greatest potential for growth anywhere in the current economy.
The History of MyPee
By patenting my own genome, I secured my rights to the 750 million years of R+D conducted by my ancestors, which has now culminated in the creation of me. However, there remained the problem of developing a commercial product from my genetic makeup. I discovered that most of the unique enzymes, antibodies, proteins, stem cells, etc. in the human body, suitable for commercial exploitation, only happen inside of the body. Thus, sampling, and studying these compounds usually involves some invasive medical procedure, like jabbing me with a needle and drawing blood. I don’t like needles. I can’t stand the idea of jabbing myself with a needle, and I’m sure not going to pay someone to do it for me. This obstacle put a major crimp in my biotech research for many years.
The MyPee Epiphany
One sunny afternoon, while investigating my amazing, and seemingly endless capacity to turn beer into urine, epiphany struck. I realized that for years now, I’ve kept my own yard clear of poison oak by peeing on young poison oak plants whenever they come up. Clearly, I had a marketable product on my hands (just a drop, which I wiped on my pant leg), and I was just pissing it away.
Now, with my own distinct individual formula, stamped with my genetic fingerprint, I have developed, and now produce a marketable biotech herbicide, for which, nature has provided me an adequate spigot. No needles necessary.
MyPee Uniquely Situated in the Biotech Industry
Companies like Amgen engineer human physiology for the purpose of creating new medicines. Companies like Monsanto engineer plants for agriculture. MyPee takes an outside-the-box approach by engineering human physiology to create an agricultural product. The repercussions of this bold move will be felt throughout the industry.
Biotechnology and Marketing
MyPee, the first all natural, biotech herbicide, specifically targeting poison oak (Rhus diversiloba), that’s safe enough to drink. Obviously the simple facts of the product speak for themselves. However, research shows that MyPee does not discriminate by species, rather, MyPee picks on very small plants, when liberally applied. In the future, I expect to market specialized MyPee formulas for killing dandelions, crab grass, hogweed and kudzu as well.
Turnaround
Most biotech products require millions of dollars upfront in research and development, that they must recoup before paying dividends. With MyPee, you get the benefit of 750 million years of research, for the price of a patent application. This leaves MyPee situated to turn a profit almost immediately. Our in-house ad and marketing department also keeps expenses low. We keep expenses so low at MyPee, that we expect to turn a profit from the sale of the very first bottle.
So, Why Does MyPee Seek Investors
MyPee seeks investors to expand production to meet the expected increase in demand following our initial marketing plan. With the purchase of a new refrigeration unit of sufficient size to hold a keg of beer, outfitted with an external tap mechanism, we can reduce the cost of producing MyPee significantly. By purchasing beer in returnable kegs, we will realize significant savings over individual 12oz bottles. Also the external tap mechanism will save energy costs, because I won’t have to open and close the refrigerator nearly so often.
The Bottom Line
We expect the total cost of this expansion to come in at around $3,000. That’s about 3% of the total current market value of the MyPee Company. So, MyPee will offer 100 shares of MyPee preferred stock at a base price of $30 each at an initial public offering later this month. Stockholders will own a proportional stake in the company, receive dividend checks in profitable quarters, and enjoy voting rights at shareholder meetings. Sometimes we have donuts at these meetings.
While any biotech firm on the cutting edge of science faces uncertainty and risks inherent in any new technology, MyPee’s prudent business plan and exceptional product make MyPee an attractive investment with strong potential for growth in the coming years. Don’t let this golden opportunity piss you by.
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