christmas wish list – Like You've Got Something Better To Do

Christmas Wishes

Now, I don’t really celebrate Christmas, or consider myself a Christian. I do like to celebrate the solstice in my own way, but solstice isn’t very funny. On the other hand, making a Christmas wish list is an age old tradition that’s about as silly as they come. Christmas is so funny that I wish I could be Christian just for the ironic, “camp” value of it, but the whole incest/sexual abuse thing that’s connected to it really poisoned that scene for me. But I won’t let that stop me from showing you my Christmas wish list. Won’t you please help my wishes come true?

I wish Bod Dylan had never made that Christmas album.

I wish Santa Claus was a hot young Latina woman instead of a fat white guy with a red nose.

santa_claus_mrs_ms_sex_naughty_00 — On second thought, this woman would have frightened me as a small child, and no retailer would ever hire me to pretend to be her. I certainly can't afford to wish away any of my few remaining employment options

I wish we could forget the real meaning of Christmas.

I wish they had Holiday Inn’s in biblical times. If they had, today, nativity scenes would have three wise men sitting around a table sipping soda from disposable cups, next to Joseph, Mary and Jesus on a Magic Fingers massage bed.

I wish mistletoe was a kind of footwear that fired rockets.

I wish Jesus were a hot young Latina woman instead of Jewish baby boy.

I wish they would stop making candy-canes, and start making candy-crutches and candy-walkers.

…and I wish they would make them out of chocolate instead of peppermint hard candy.

I wish breweries would stop making “Holiday Brews”. I don’t want any spices, fruit or herbs in my beer reminding me that it’s Christmas. I want my regular beer to remind me that Christmas is just another day full of crap to get through.