Now, I don’t really celebrate Christmas, or consider myself a Christian. I do like to celebrate the solstice in my own way, but solstice isn’t very funny. On the other hand, making a Christmas wish list is an age old tradition that’s about as silly as they come. Christmas is so funny that I wish I could be Christian just for the ironic, “camp” value of it, but the whole incest/sexual abuse thing that’s connected to it really poisoned that scene for me. But I won’t let that stop me from showing you my Christmas wish list. Won’t you please help my wishes come true?
I wish Bod Dylan had never made that Christmas album.
I wish Santa Claus was a hot young Latina woman instead of a fat white guy with a red nose.
I wish we could forget the real meaning of Christmas.
I wish they had Holiday Inn’s in biblical times. If they had, today, nativity scenes would have three wise men sitting around a table sipping soda from disposable cups, next to Joseph, Mary and Jesus on a Magic Fingers massage bed.
I wish mistletoe was a kind of footwear that fired rockets.
I wish Jesus were a hot young Latina woman instead of Jewish baby boy.
I wish they would stop making candy-canes, and start making candy-crutches and candy-walkers.
…and I wish they would make them out of chocolate instead of peppermint hard candy.
I wish breweries would stop making “Holiday Brews”. I don’t want any spices, fruit or herbs in my beer reminding me that it’s Christmas. I want my regular beer to remind me that Christmas is just another day full of crap to get through.
I wish Metalica would make a Christmas album.
I wish “Black Friday” was more like the Steely Dan song of the same name.
I wish Salvation Army Bell-Ringers would switch to a different ring-tone.
I wish, as a culture, we had a better way of celebrating a holiday than by shopping.