Introduction: I read today that the average age of the 30 most popular Christmas songs is 61 (Thanks you Harper’s Index). So I figured, “Hey, if people can listen to the same old Christmas songs they’ve heard a million times, every Christmas, they won’t mind rereading this old Christmas classic that first appeared in Savage Henry #7, The Holiday Issue, way back in 2010. It appeared here at lygsbtd a couple of years ago as well, but in the spirit of holiday tradition, and with apologies to my most dedicated readers, here we go again. Happy Holiday of Choice.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in Humboldt
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through Humboldt County
Not a creature was stirring, not even Sheriff Mike Downey
The herb was all trimmed up and packed into bags
For smokers of taste, who will not smoke swag
Me in bed naked, my wife in her panties
It’s that time of month, so it’s the ones that are ratty
When out at the gate there arose such a racket
I got out of bed and threw on my jacket
Put on some pants and picked up my rifle
So they’d know I was serious and not to trifle
I stepped out of the door and into the rain
“To be out in this shit, this guy must be insane”
I thought to myself as I trudged up the path,
“This better be good or he’ll feel my wrath”
What did my dumb struck eyes then behold,
But a bearded old man in a late model Olds
I yelled, “It’s Christmas Eve, are you out of your mind?”
He said, “I’m Jewish, you’re Pagan, why’s this a bad time?
My friends all need weed, and I’ve plenty of cash,
At $3,000 a pound, I’ll take your whole stash”
I thought to myself, “Well that’s quite a laugh,
These days I’d a probably sold it for half.”
He showed me a bag that was packed full of bills
So, I opened the gate and we drove down the hill
I made up some coffee, and rolled up a jay
And showed him a few of the buds on the tray
He said, “This is the stuff that my friends all love.
They say that your stuff is a cut above.
They’ll pay what I ask for all I can get.
Did you have a good year? Is it all trimmed up yet?”
“This year I grew more than ever before,
It’s weighed up in bags just behind that door.
You can inspect it while I count this cash,
Hand me that ashtray, and I’ll knock this ash.”
We packed all the weed in the trunk of his car.
I said, “You found me out here, you must know where you are.”
“Oh yes, he said, “I know my way around here,
And I’ve many more stops to make, far and near.”
He started the car, and then turned on the lights,
And I heard him say, as he drove out of sight,
“Marijuana to all, and to all a good night.”
Tin Can Luminary’s New Album, Um… Uh… Gum Eh?
CD Release Party in Garberville this Friday
This Friday, May 3 at the Hemp Connection in Garberville, I’ll debut my new album of Circuit-bent music titled Um… Uh… Gum Eh?
For younger readers, and others who might miss the rather obscure musical reference, the title and cover parody what is widely regarded as the worst (at least excluding the post-Roger dreck) Pink Floyd album, titled Ummagumma, a double album originally released in 1970.
A careful observer, or anyone with nothing better to do, can spot many parallels between Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma and my new album Um… Uh… Gum Eh? For instance:
Both albums contain a song about a guy who cuts people up with a sharp object:
Ummagumma has Careful With That Axe, Eugene
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Mr. Whisker.
Both albums include songs about outer space:
Ummagumma has Astronomy Domine
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has The Saucer People Speak
Both albums have songs about knowledgeable beings:
Ummagumma has The Grand Vizier’s Garden Party
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has The Orb of Omniscience
Both albums have long, spacy pieces where the only lyrics are “Oooh, Aaahh, and Ohhh”
Ummagumma has A Saucerful of Secrets
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Interzone Transit Authority
Both albums have collections of unrecognizable sounds, combined with spoken words:
Ummagumma has Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has I Made A Collage
Both albums have song titles that reference Greek mythology
Ummagumma has Sysyphus
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Sirens of Space, and here’s what it sounds like:
While Pink Floyd is famous for using gobs of state-of-the-art music equipment, I recorded Um… Uh… Gum Eh? With instruments I made out of tin cans, cigar boxes and second-hand childrens toys. That’s the state of my art, extremely low-budget and uniquely homemade. Even though Ummagumma is probably the worst Pink Floyd album, Um… Uh… Gum Eh? is undoubtedly my best album to date. Um… Uh… Gum Eh? is my seventh solo album, btw.
Does Um… Uh… Gum Eh? sound better than Pink Floyd at their worst? Yeah, I think so. Does Um… Uh… Gum Eh? Sound like Pink Floyd? Not really, but like Pink Floyd, Um… Uh… Gum Eh? sounds great when you are really high. It’s a trip!
Um… Uh… Gum Eh? will make you smile, take you on a tour of the cosmos and bring you to the brink of insanity, before safely returning you to Earth. Here’s the first video single from Um… Uh… Gum Eh? titled: Falling
So come out to The Hemp Connection in Garberville
on Friday, May 3rd to hear more from Um… Uh… Gum Eh?, see and hear my homemade circuit-bent instruments, and to hear me play electric didgeridoo, for free, as part of Arts Alive. Also on the bill will be Patchy Fogg, playing musical saw.