A Report from the Global Climate Summit in Lima, Peru

COP20

I just heard David Simpson and Jane Lapiner…

david simpson jane lapiner

calling from Peru to report on the global climate summit taking place there.  This is not the first global climate summit David and Jane have reported from. I recall that they walked-out of the last global climate summit they attended.

NGOs walk out at COP19 in Warsaw

After flying 10,000 miles or so to Copenhagen, they “walked-out” in protest of the fact that governments around the world were not serious about addressing Global Climate Change, and that the delegates were just spinning their wheels while they enjoyed deluxe accommodations, succulent cuisine, and free-flowing refreshments. It became obvious to them, as well as to the majority of climate activists in attendance, that the governments of the world were not serious about stopping global climate change.

global warming failure

No shit, Sherlock. I could have told you that, and I didn’t have to fly half-way around the world to know it. Most people do not understand what government is, or how it operates, and they expect all kinds of crazy things from government, that government can never, and will never, do. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, people still go to their government to demand change.

Protesters scale Buckingham Palace gates

Too many people think about governments in the same way that people think about God. They anthropomorphize government. They imagine that government has the presidents face and voice, and that congress is its heart, the CIA and FBI are its brain, and the Supreme Court, its conscience. They think about government as a functioning, conscious, and sentient being with a capacity for intelligence, compassion and intent.

consciousness

You see how ridiculous this sounds when you put it in so many words. Here’s the problem: As humans, evolution has equipped us very well to think about people, as people, and to understand and empathize with them. We are also well equipped to think about, and talk about, things as objects, and to manipulate them very effectively. A government is neither a person, nor an object, and that makes it difficult for us to think about government, and to think about government effectively, we need a lot more information about it than we are likely stumble across in the course of our daily lives.

question marks in the sky

That means that if we want to understand government, it’s going to take work. Most of us already work too much, so most of us just tend to think of government as Big Brother, one single individual, immensely powerful, unbelievably stupid, and dangerously volatile, but as one person, nonetheless, and as a person who has the capacity to act intentionally, or at least in response to stimuli.

big brother

In reality, we should think of government as an enormous wriggling pile of maggots, feasting on putrefied waste. The maggots have a voracious appetite, and their waste putrefies everything it contaminates, which only makes more putrid goo for government to feast on. Government is made of thousands of people, all driven by their own personal interests, and everything they want must be sucked out of the waste and debris of exploited resources. Hence the maggot metaphor.

maggots

Government is a disease. The symptoms include war, environmental devastation, inequality, poverty, crime, etc. None of these are possible without government, and all of them flow directly from government. Whenever the people stand up to corporate exploitation, it’s always the government that shows up, in the form of cops, SWAT teams, or the National Guard, to make sure the road goes through, or the pipeline gets built, or that the Board of Directors can meet.

war government

Global Warming is the fever from the disease called government, so don’t expect government to solve it. Government enables it, causes it, necessitates it. Government makes it all possible. So, when governments get together to try to address global climate change, it;s just another mass of feasting maggots. It’s disgusting. I can understand why they walked out, but once you walk out, you don’t go crawling back.

come crawling back

But David and Jane went crawling back, to follow the maggots to Lima, Peru, clocking another bundle of miles on their frequent-flyer cards, no doubt. David and Jane called KMUDs Monday Morning Magazine to let us know that the pile of maggots has not done anything substantial except wriggle hungrily and shit prolifically. Big surprise there.

big surprise1

They told us we shouldn’t count on governments to do anything, and that we should work here at home to fight global warming, and and that we should stop driving our F250 trucks so much.

rolling coal f350

We know. I’ll bet Lima’s lovely this time of year, I hope you saw the sights, but you know better now, right? I mean that little civics lesson has a big carbon footprint, so I hope you’ve really got it straight now.

carbon footprint

Just in case, you’re still not sure. If you decide to attend the next global climate summit, in Paris, please spare us the call.

spare us


The LYGSBTD Holiday Gift Guide pt 2

holiday_gift_guide_part_2

As you could probably tell from last week’s post, I’m just so full of Christmas Spirit this year, that I’m about to hurl eggnog and candy canes into the next manger I see. Yes, it’s the holiday gift giving season, and Christmas is right around the corner. That’s right, you worked right through the Spring, Summer and Fall of 2014. Now it’s Winter again. The weather sucks. You hate your job. You hardly recognize your own family, and you’ve accomplished none of the things you hoped to do this year. Merry Christmas! You have no money, but your credit is still good, so you’re going Christmas shopping!

5-Stages-of-Shopping-Christmas-333-x-500

You can’t buy your life back, but you can buy people off, and an extra special Christmas gift will easily make up for all of those months of neglect. But what do you get for the people who mean enough to you to spend money on them at Christmas, but not enough to really care about them the rest of the year? How can you know their likes and dislikes, their interests and proclivities, their long-term dreams, or any of the other things that make them a unique individual, without actually paying attention to them the rest of the year? If you don’t know anything about them, how can you pick out a gift that will mean something to them? The challenge can be overwhelming.

christmas overwhelming

I understand, and I’m here to help. Your loved ones don’t understand how much stress you are under. Being around them is work, and they expect so much from you, but you love them, at least you did before you went completely numb. You don’t want to let them down at Christmas time. You’re willing to spend the money. I won’t let you blow it.

dont blow it1

When buying a gift for someone who means a lot to you, but that you don’t really know very well, keep this in mind. Get them something that will impress their friends. Even if the person you give it to, doesn’t like it, their friends will see this gift, and remind that person of just how lucky they are to receive such a nice gift, and that whoever gave it to them must really love them. Even if they know better themselves, hearing that sentiment expressed again and again, from their friends, will keep their feelings towards you in a state of perpetual conflicted ambivalence. Call it “love.”

call it love

Here’s a few suggestions:

jetpack martin

Jet Pack. This will instantly make anyone popular and change their life, if they survive. With this, you can pack a whole lifetime’s worth of “love” into a single, explosively powerful, spectacularly impressive gift. Gift’s like this obliterate the individuality of the recipient, while they celebrate the generosity of the giver, so choose the gift based on your own personality, rather than that of the recipient. Here’s another idea:

quadski1 Quad/Jetski I’ll bet that a lot of people around here will find one of these under their Christmas Tree this year, but maybe making noise and going fast doesn’t float your boat. Try this:

barbecue-dining-boat

Barbecue Boat Everyone eats. Why not do it in the middle of a lake? Big ticket gifts like this really steal the show at family get-togethers, making other people’s gifts seem puny and insignificant by comparison. That’s how you solve your little gift-giving problem. If you can afford it, crush it!

crush it

This kind of generosity drives our economy and makes our world the miracle of modern technology that it has become. It isn’t what we wanted, but everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are to have it. Thanks… I guess.

thanks i guess1

Speaking of technology. Here’s a gift for that special woman in your life, the one you haven’t had time for lately, but hasn’t filed for divorce yet. It’s a very personal gift, made uniquely impersonal:

ohmibod5

OhMiBod vibrator app for smart phones. OhMiBod consists of two parts, the hardware: a small, blue-tooth enabled, battery powered vibrator, designed to fit in a woman’s underwear, and the software: an app that you download to your smart-phone. The app allows you to control the vibrator from up to 26 ft away, perhaps even from another room, by blue-tooth, or from anywhere in the world, with a wifi connection.

ohmibod4

Imagine. You could be watching the game with your buddies.

watching the game

They’d just think you were sending a text to your bookie or something. Fiddle with your phone for ten or fifteen minutes while you drink beer and joke with your friends. Then call her up and say “I love you babe” and hang up. She’s satisfied, and you didn’t have to miss a single play.

ohmibod6

What about gifts for men? Well what do men like? Men like boobs. Men don’t care what it is, as long as it has boobs, so give men something that has boobs.

boob radio

Boob Radio. Yes, this radio has boobs, but when it comes down to it, all knobs and buttons are surrogate nipples and boobs, so most guys like almost any gadget. The more knobs and buttons it has, the better.

knobs2

That just leaves pets. Pets don’t really care about gifts, unless they can eat them, and then they are always welcome. Still, some people insist on buying inedible gifts for their pets, so why not take their money.

take my money

Who cares if the pet enjoys the gift. That’s not the point. Usually, the pets do not like the gifts at all. In fact, animals generally have to be sedated before they will tolerate most of these products long enough to snap a promotional photo.

how high

Here’s a selection:

beaks for dogs

Beaks for Dogs. Is this the “Crocks” of dog muzzles? These dogs hate this. They have better taste than that.

dog hats

Knitted Hats for Dogs Do you think those dogs like those hats? No! Those dogs are wasted! If you want to make your dog happy, give them drugs, and then don’t dress them up in silly costumes. But what about cats?

CATS-turntable

DJ ScratchCat Turntable Scratching Post. Your cat would rather have a cardboard box to tear-up, but whatever. You’ve got $35 bucks to blow.

money to blow

There you have it folks:

HOMELESS gift1

Gift ideas for everyone on your Christmas gift list. Wake me when it’s over.

wake me when its over


The LYGSBTD 2014 Holiday Gift Guide

holiday-gift-guide 2014

That time of year has arrived again. It’s the time when Americans go to the stores to buy a bunch of useless crap for people they don’t care about. It’s our way of saying “Sorry I haven’t looked up from my screen once in the past year, please accept this tangible object as evidence supporting the allegation that I still care.”

Allegations

It’s a touching sentiment, but poorly placed. Sure, you can’t help the fact that you have real people around you. There’s 7-fucking-billion people on this planet. There’s bound to be at least one or two in your immediate vicinity. You probably have to share a bed with one, because things are so tight these days, but does that mean you have to care about them? Hell no! At least not now that we have the internet.

hell no kitty

Today, the people we care about appear on a glowing screen in front of our face, and because of the internet, we can all care about the same two-dozen or so people, the Kardashians for example, and nobody has to give a rats ass about the other 6,999,999,952 of us. That clearly constitutes a step forward in speed and efficiency, and we should maximize these gains by avoiding even the pretense of an emotional connection with anything squishy.

squishy

Instead, this is a great time of year to direct those warm feelings of gratitude, kindness and generosity that characterize our innate human nature, towards those deserving individuals behind the screens. Please Support the people who make you laugh, the people who make you think, the people who bring you an interesting perspective, and the people who dig up funny pictures for you every week, all year, year after year, and by “the people,” I, of course, mean “me”. This is a great time to support this blog. Please support lygsbtd, the irreverent, independent, outspoken voice of “the people” in Humboldt County.

me

Still, you may want to give a gift to someone other than me this holiday season, if for no other reason, than because you know that they are going to give you a gift, and you don’t want to be caught empty handed. So, you go shopping, but what should you get for people you hardly know and have barely spoken to? Never fear, lygsbtd is here, to guide you through the madness.

holiday-shopping-madness-

It helps to know the age of the person you are shopping for, especially if that person is a child. Children can be the hardest to shop for, because fad toys change every year, and unless you are a kid, you really don’t give a fuck. It’s never a good idea to talk to children, and the worst question you could ever ask a child is “What do you want for Christmas?” Don’t do it. Take my advice and stick with a classic, tried and true, age appropriate toy for young children.

candy cigarettes

For newborn infants, forget it. I can’t think of one good reason to give a gift of any kind to a newborn infant. The Three Wise Men of the Bible were the Three Stooges as far as I’m concerned. Think about it. Do we ever hear about those Three Wise Men again, at all, in the rest of the Bible? Fuck no! Jesus didn’t hang with those guys. They were, like, friends of his parents or something. He didn’t remember that gift. He was just a baby.

wise guys

That’s my point. Baby’s don’t know anything. They aren’t expecting a gift, they didn’t get you one, and no matter what you get them, if it isn’t Mommy’s boob, they’re not interested. So, don’t bother giving a gift of any kind to an infant. If you absolutely must give a gift to an infant, the perfect gift for an infant is: a bottle of Scotch.

scotch3

Bottle of Scotch  If you give a baby a bottle of Scotch, whoever is taking care of the baby will, of course, immediately take the bottle away from the baby. After that, one of two things will happen. Most likely, the person taking care of the baby will eventually find themselves so ragged and bedraggled from the responsibility that they will take to drink. If so, that bottle of Scotch will taste like nectar to them, and they will appreciate you for understanding.

tooth fairy drunk

On the other hand. It is possible, though unlikely, that the person taking care of the baby will save the Scotch, in a secure location. Years later, when the baby has grown up and reached the appropriate age of, say 18 or 21, This dutiful guardian might then present this thoughtful gift, now aged an additional 18-21 years, to the young man or woman to whom it was originally gifted, along with the story of how you gave a bottle of Scotch to a baby for Christmas. If so, that young man or woman will think that you are the coolest old fart on the planet.

cool old farts

See, you can’t go wrong when you give a bottle of Scotch to a baby. But maybe you’re not right in the head, and if you have an infant, that’s a pretty good bet. If you like it wrong, it don’t get much wronger than this:

thongies

Thongies Because diaper lines look so unflattering under a onesie.

onesie

These days, we try to be “gender-neutral” with kids toys. We don’t have toys for boys and toys for girls, we have toys, and we let the kids decide which ones they want to play with. Dolls always work with kids. All kids play with dolls of some kind at some time in their childhood. Here are a few of my favorites, starting with some baby dolls:

shave the baby

Shave the Baby Here’s a real hairy baby doll, that comes with a real razor. Every little kid should learn how to properly shave a baby before they have to do it for real.

babys first baby

Baby’s First Baby You may laugh, but these plastic toys contain all kinds of endocrine disrupting, hormone mimicking chemicals that wreck havoc on our reproductive systems. Hairy, pregnant infants may not seem so odd in the future. I suspect that these toys are more popular in industrial cities in China, where they’re made, because hairy, pregnant infants have already become normal. Then again, maybe if you hadn’t shaved the baby, and then tarted her up in those Thongies diapers, the baby wouldn’t BE pregnant, now would she?

Pope-Francis-wags finger

The teenage girl doll remains popular, whether they’re plastic miniatures, or life-size inflatables, who doesn’t love a teenage girl doll? Barbie remains the Grande Dame of teenage girl dolls. This new Barbie has a feature I can scarcely imagine:

barbie_squirts

Barbie Squirts Squirts what? From where? And then there’s this:

cesarian barbie

C Section Barbie Again with the pregnancy thing. Barbie has to have a C-Section, because Barbie never had a vagina. We don’t mind that her stomach opens like a toilet seat to reveal a tiny plastic fetus, but we’re offended by the idea of a teenage girl doll with a vagina. I suppose it can’t hurt to teach kids about basic human physiology with toys, and maybe it’s a good idea. I guess that’s the idea behind these:

period doll

Period Doll  I thought “period doll” refereed to a doll dressed in a costume reminiscent of a particular historical period. I guess getting your period can be an empowering thing, if you are a young woman. Why not make it into a superpower? Every superhero needs a supervillain to battle:

blood bath action figureBlood-Bath Betty  Here’s another period related gift idea:

maxi-pad-sticky-notes

The Maxi-Pad Writing Pad Give this to your teenage daughter for Christmas. She won’t like it, but she’s not going to like anything else you do for the next ten years, so don’t waste your time trying to please her.

Teenage girl rolling her eyes in front of angry parents

Then we have role-playing adventure dolls, or “action figures” as they’re commonly called. A popular TV show can often spin-off some popular action figure dolls. Such is the case with these:

breaking-bad-action-figures

Breaking Bad action figures

breaking bad action figures2

Your “little tweakers” will love playing with these toys. The figures are each sold separately, and they each come with tiny bags of “meth” and a recipe for cooking up more, using an Easy-Bake light-bulb oven.

easy bake meth labEasy-Bake Meth Lab  Perhaps those characters don’t seem like the kind of role-models you want your kid to emulate. Instead, you might want to encourage your kids to aim a little higher in life. Why not let them take inspiration from the the most influential man of the 20th Century:

hitler action figure w leni

Der Fuhrer is a tremendously popular toy that has taken the world by blitzkrieg. You can buy literally millions of accessories for him. This is my favorite:

hitler action figure ss

The Der Fuhrer ipod docking station This toy comes pre-loaded with five of Der Fuhrer’s most stirring speeches, and it has an input for your music player or computer, so you can “rock out” with Adolf, but there’s much more:

waffen ss

Waffen SS

panzer tank

Panzer Tank Brigades

luftwaffe

The Luftwaffe

scale model whores

The Brothel at Berchtesgaden, and no fascist putsch would be complete without:

concentration camp6

Concentration Camp  Collect the whole Third Reich! But these toys might be too intense for some more sensitive children. Sometimes you want to give a kid something soft and cuddly, especially if they are going through a rough patch, like a death in the family, or maybe a parents divorce. In that case, get the kid a plush toy. Here’s a pair that come together. I guarantee that these two will cheer-up even the most severely traumatized child.

pee and poo

Plush Pee and Poo Plush Pee and Poo teaches kids that it’s OK to play with their excrement, and that it’s soft, and squishy and feels nice, an important lesson for any deeply traumatized child.

traumatized child

There we have a few ideas for gifts for kids, but what about the adults on your shopping list? Why are there adults on you Christmas gift list? Do they still believe in Santa Claus? I mean really. Grow-up for Christ’s sake. If you’re are sick of buying gifts for people, here’s a gift for someone you really hope you won’t have to buy a gift for, next year:

gun-comb

The Gun Comb Give someone the Gun Comb, and if they use it, a cop will probably shoot them dead before next December. Does that sound a little paranoid? Here’s a gift for paranoid people:

youre_being_watched_wall_clock

The Eyeball Clock  There’s a camera mounted in the center, so you can keep an eye on them. Paranoid people prefer to stay at home, and they should be encouraged to drink soothing herb tea, rather than coffee. Here’s another great gift for just that kind of homebody.

charles manson teapot

The Charles Manson Teapot That’s some CRAZY good tea! The problem is that lately, fewer of us have homes, which means fewer of us have anyplace to put the crap that people give us for Christmas, but we all need clothes, and here’s an article of clothing that I think has the potential to change the way we live.

personal theater hat

Personal Theater Hat This one product could replace the multiplex, the living room and the apartment for million of people in coming years. A smart phone hangs from the elongated bill of the hat, beneath the curtain. In the future, this is all the privacy that many of us will ever know.

picnic-pants-wingsuit-jeans

Picnic Pants. Another technological innovation in clothing. Behold the dining room of the future. Imagine this future. Billions of people in picnic pants and personal theater hats, shoveling prefabricated snack-food from their stretchy lap tables, into the dark abyss beneath their personal theater hats. Where do all of these people sleep?

ostrich-pillow-desk

Ostrich Desk Pillow. Welcome to the future. Maybe you’re ready for this gift:

toy noose

Toy Noose. I’ll be back with part two, next week. Don’t forget to put me in your will. Happy Holidays!

happy holidays from cocacola


Pacific Fishers, Owls, and Telepathic Gorillas

Pacific-Fisher horz

This week, two radio programs that I co-produce with my beloved partner Amy Gustin, will air on our beloved community radio station KMUD. First, at 5pm on Thanksgiving Day, Thursday November 27, KMUD will air the latest episode of Wildlife Matters. I just put the finishing touches on it this morning. Wildlife Matters #3 will focus on the Pacific Fisher (Martes pennanti) an elusive, formidable, and unbelievably cute forest carnivore.

fisher in tree

Mourad Gabriel, fisher expert, and Executive Director of the Integral Ecology Research Center generously invited us into his home, and allowed Amy to interview him at length.

Mourad_fisher_UCDW-716x1024

He told us everything we needed to know about fishers, and the crisis they face due to extensive use of rat poison by marijuana growers, hiding-out in the fisher’s deep-forest habitat. We spent more than an hour seated around the dining room of his family’s home, while his wife, Greta Wengert, also a Ph.D biologist, attended to their infant child in another room, to give us some quiet time for the interview.

greta wengert

The show came out great! We had more good material than we could fit in one half-hour show, so in next month’s show we will talk more about the problems associated with rat poison. Last Friday, we recorded a presentation by Maggie Rufo, representing two groups: The Hungry Owl Project,

hungry owl project

and RATS (Raptors Are The Solution).

raptors are the solution

Maggie Ruffo came to Arcata to address the Redwood Region Audubon Society, about the impacts of rat poison on owls, hawks, and other raptors, and to advocate for the use of owl boxes, wooden boxes constructed to owl-nest specifications, to attract owls, as part of an integrated pest control program.

owl box

In other words, encourage owls to move in, and they can help solve your rodent problem. Then you don’t need to spend money on rat poison.

owl eating rat

She gave an excellent talk, and as a bonus, the Humboldt Wildlife Care Center brought some of their ambassador birds, so we got to mingle and chit-chat with a live: red-tailed hawk, a great horned owl, and a western screech owl. It was a noisy room, but I think we have enough good material that we can use a little from column A and a little from column B to make another good show about the effects of rat poison on entire ecosystems, and we’ll look at the campaign to ban the sale of dangerous rodenticides in California.

poison eco consequences

The other show of ours to air this week, really deserves it’s own blog post.  Teaser:  It involves an interview with Daniel Quinn, author of Ishmael.


Daniel Quinn Talks To Us About His New Book, The Teachings That Came Before and After Ishmael

danielquinn

On Sunday November 30, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, at 9:30 am on KMUD Redwood Community Radio, you can hear my lovely partner, Amy Gustin interview the world-renowned, author and thinker, Daniel Quinn, author of Ishmael, My Ishmael, The Story of B, Beyond Civilization and many other books.

cover ishmael-horz-vert

Daniel Quinn has a new book, titled: The Teachings That Came Before and After Ishmael.

cover the teachings

Quinn realized that, while many people have read Ishmael, most people have missed the material he covers in his other books. In The Teachings… Quinn condenses the ideas from all of his other writing into one book, the perfect companion to his central work: Ishmael.

ishmael cover open

If you haven’t read Ishmael yet, you absolutely must read this book. Every responsible adult who can read, owes it to themselves, and to the future of Planet Earth, to read Ishmael. Some people look at the title, and get a load of the zealous people telling them to read it, and think that Ishmael must be some kind of weird religious mumbo-jumbo that brain-washes readers into joining a cult.

ishmael tattoo

True, you’ll find some biblical stuff in there, like a pretty good explanation for the story of Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel, and after you read it, you may want to join a cult, but there is nothing religious about Ishmael, and it contains absolutely no mumbo-jumbo. Ishmael is a good book to help you understand exactly what went wrong.

ishmael teacher seeks student

If you want to know what caused the environmental crisis, read Ishmael. If you want to understand overpopulation, read Ishmael. If you want to know why you spend so much time at work, and why it sucks so much, read Ishmael. Ishmael can help you understand where you stand. If you understand where you stand, you can figure out what to do. So, before you do anything else, read Ishmael.

read ishmael

…And pick up Quinn’s newest book, The Teachings That Came Before and After Ishmael to go with it. The Teachings… contains condensed versions of The Story of B and My Ishmael, as well as excerpts from Tales of Adam, Beyond Civilization, The Book of the Damned, Providence, The Invisibility of Success, and If They Give You Lined Paper Write Sideways. Even if you can’t read, you can listen to Daniel Quinn himself explain his work to you so you can see for yourself why so many people feel so strongly about a short novel about a talking gorilla.

ishmael gorilla

Please tune in on Sunday November 30 at 9:30 am Pacific Time for a very special episode of The Living Earth Connection featuring a new interview with visionary author, Daniel Quinn recorded just this week…I can’t tell you the details of it because the interview hasn’t happened yet, but we expect to talk to him tomorrow. You can hear the show on the radio, if you live within the KMUD listening area, or you can stream the show live, or at anytime thereafter on the KMUD archive at www.kmud.org

kmud logo

You can also stream or download both Living Earth Connection #12 featuring Daniel Quinn talking about his new book as well as Wildlife Matters #3 featuring Mourad Gabriel on fisher ecology and rat poison at Amy Gustin’s blog The Living Earth Connection.

living earth connection


RIP County Coroner

coroner

Who keeps an eye on the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Department? Do we have a single investigative journalist around here? We sure could use a few, but of course, investigative journalism costs money that our local news outlets would rather not spend. Who can blame them? So long as they can fill the spaces between ads with press releases from local non-profits, endless editorializing, our gruesome police log, and an obligatory report from the Board of Supes meeting, why should they bother holding anybody’s feet to the fire?

feet to the fire

Besides, people around here don’t care about government corruption. In fact, we like corruption. We like knowing that justice is for sale around here. We would rather not know the gristly facts, or have to disclose them. We just want to know that if we have enough money, it can all go away. That’s the American Way, right?

american way rich folks-tile

Here in Humboldt County we want the the criminal justice system to reward successful criminals and to punish honest poor people. That’s why funds from the county’s new sales tax will go into the coffers of the Humboldt County Sheriff’s department, and its, more than two-hundred, overpaid, trigger-happy thugs, instead of the Humboldt County Coroner’s office, an understaffed team of 5 forensic investigators trying to solve an epidemic of drug-related murders and police shootings.

police brutality-tile

We really don’t mind murderers walking the streets among us, especially if they kill poor “transients,” and we don’t care if out-of-town families ever find out what happened to their missing family member. If we did care, and we didn’t want murderers walking the streets of Humboldt County, we’d fund the coroner’s office, and our elected County Coroner would not have resigned, and the Board of Supervisors would not be dumping the coroner’s budget, as well as his responsibilities into the Sheriff’s Department.

ParrisDowney

Talk about the fox guarding the hen house!

Fox_henhouse02

We don’t mind murderers in Humboldt County, because they tend to keep a low profile, but we’re damn sick and tired of seeing poor people hanging around, talking to each other and smoking cigarettes, and we hate that they have the nerve to do it in public. That’s why the Supervisors have decided to cut funding for solving murders, and increased the funding for armed thugs to terrorize poor people.

copvsgangmember

Let’s face it, every day they hear from local people who say: “I’m sick of seeing these filthy dirty hippies carrying everything they own on their backs, sitting in front of my store that sells nothing that anybody really needs.” They hear that all the time, from people who vote, and make political contributions. Only once a week or so do they hear from the bereft relative of a murder victim, asking for justice, and usually they’re calling from out of state, so fuck ‘em.

fuck em1

Now that the Coroner’s Office has been folded into the Sheriff’s Department, it will be much easier for Sheriff’s Deputies to handle more murders “in house.” By “handle” I mean “commit, and/or frame people for” not “solve” in case you were wondering. Sheriff Downey has promised to make room in the county jail for homeless people accused of petty crimes. This new arrangement will make it easier for the sheriff to transfer some of that overcrowding to the county morgue.

overcrowding_documented

On a related note, I know that sheriff Downey hates to lose a good deputy. I presume that’s why it took him nearly a year to fire Deputy Daniels after a woman came forward with a credible accusation that he had taken her into custody illegally and raped her while on duty. Deputy Daniels remained on active duty, and five months later, a second woman came forward with accusations of serious sexual assault.

daniels sargent

Daniels was only removed from active duty two months after the second assault. How many other women did he rape? Who trained him? What does this say about the culture of the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Department? Sounds like a job for an investigative reporter.

investigative reporter-text

Anyway, if you are poor, or have a vagina, the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Department is looking for you, and now, they can do it all “in house.”

relax we can handle this in house


The Ganjier’s Circular Reasoning

ganjier_

Lately, I’ve noticed a new circular tucked into the North Coast Journal, from our local SoHum cannabis dispensary, Wonderland Nursery. Even though we live in the heart of the marijuana industry, we were one of the last places in California without a dispensary, until Wonderland opened up a few years ago specializing in potted cannabis seedlings. I see from their circular that they now also dabble in edibles and concentrates.

shatter

I’ve never been to Wonderland, but I always enjoy hearing “The Ganjier” of Wonderland Nursery, Kevin Jodrey talk about marijuana. In my lifetime so far, I have listened to way too many people talk way, way, waaaayyyyyyy toooooo much about marijuana. Really, I love marijuana,and I’ve grown marijuana, but I don’t find gardening particularly interesting. I’m more interested in getting high, and when I get high, the last thing I want to hear, is some idiot drone on about how awesome this new strain of marijuana is. I get it. I’m stoned. It’s good pot, now shut-up about it.

shut up and smoke

But it’s different with The Ganjier. Kevin Jodrey really knows his cannabis, and he’s very articulate and well spoken. When I have the opportunity to hear him talk about marijuana, I take notes. So, of course, I read the editorials that appeared in the Wonderland Nursery circulars. I don’t think I’ve ever read an editorial in an advertizing circular before, but I’ve also never seen a circular advertizing marijuana plants before, so the Wonderland Nursery insert struck me as novel for a couple of reasons.

kjodrey-

Anyway, the first editorial I read from the Ganjier pointed out that as we move towards legalization of cannabis, the interests of the “cannabis cause” will diverge from those of the “cannabis industry.” I appreciate the heads up Kevin, but I’ve seen the cannabis cause, and the cannabis industry, and I don’t think the two could be any more divergent. The cannabis industry loved prohibition because prohibition made an easy to grow weed more valuable than gold.

marijuana-money1

The cannabis cause was made almost entirely of marijuana consumers. The people I met through High Times Freedom Fighters and Mass Cann all had jobs. Back then, people from the “cannabis industry” only joined the “cannabis cause” after they got busted. Some of us grew our own weed, but we supported the legalization movement with money we earned AT WORK, and we attended rallies, wrote letters, and went to meetings in our “free” time, AND we bought marijuana at outrageously high black market prices.

need money for weed

Thankfully, Jack Herer came along. Jack sold books, bumper-stickers and T-Shirts and taught people all over the country how to sell legalization. Thanks to Jack Herer, and his book, The Emperor Wears No Clothes, marijuana legalization became a business, and anyone could open a franchise. Jack taught us to sell legalization, and pretty soon, some people were making a living from it. That’s what turned the tide towards legalization. The cannabis industry had almost nothing to do with it.

Jack Herer at Ann Arbor Hash Bash 1990

The cannabis industry was busy making money, from us, the cannabis cause. They were buying big diesel generators, damming creeks and putting out rat poison. They were breeding better marijuana. I’ll give them that, but when it comes to legalization, the cannabis industry was not a big help, except for the fact that marijuana smokers everywhere really, really, resented the high prices, and that resentment motivated them to work for legalization.

too damn high

So, now that legalization seems inevitable, and the cannabis industry begins to rise up out of the muck of prohibition, it’s not asking “How may we help you?” Instead, it’s warning us that it may no longer have our best interests at heart. The Ganjier warns those of us who want to “free the weed” that the cannabis industry prefers to “expensive the weed.”

cost of cannabis

In the second editorial, however, The Ganjier laments all of the bad publicity that the cannabis industry has experienced lately. Why does the press always focus on the habitat destruction, the murders, the stream diversions, and the rat poison when there’s so much more to the cannabis industry than that? Look, one dispensary uses electric cars, the Ganjier tells us.

hemp car

The Ganjier thinks that the cannabis cause should help the cannabis industry with its little image problem. I don’t think so. Here’s why:

why1

First, People should know that Humboldt County is a terrible place to grow cannabis. People should know that this is not farmland. We live in a forest. The land here is steep and poorly suited to agriculture. You cannot produce cannabis here economically, without the huge government subsidies known as prohibition. This is not a place for farmers. This is a place where criminals go to hide their criminal activity. Now that cannabis is going legal, the cannabis industry should move out of the closet known as Humboldt County.

come out of the closet

Second, people should see the ugliness and the stupidity behind the current cannabis industry. People get killed. People get hurt. Lots of people get ripped off. Besides that, people in the cannabis industry do a lot of really stupid shit, like setting a camper on fire on the side of the road, or dropping a refrigerator off of the Alder Point bridge or leaving a truck full of diesel fuel parked in the riverbed.

truck in river

Finally, the cannabis industry has all of our fucking money. If the cannabis industry gave a fuck about anyone but themselves, not only could they have legalized pot, they could have financed a guerrilla army that would have already liberated this nation from the capitalist police state, once and for all. They don’t give a fuck. Instead, they want bigger trucks, wider TVs and newer smart phones. So fuck ‘em.

fuck em paccino

Listen, if the newly emerging legal cannabis industry wants help from the cannabis cause, the cannabis industry damn well better find a way to produce marijuana at a reasonable price. No marijuana is worth more than $50 an ounce, and I’d much rather see the current cannabis industry collapse as support the environmental destruction, violence, and stupidity that defines the cannabis industry today.

drug dealing dog


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