A New Emerald City

So-Hum Residents Contemplate Forming Humboldt’s Eighth City

A new movement afoot here in SoHum would create Humboldt counties eighth municipality around the Garberville/ Redway area. While most cities view drug dealers as a scourge, spending millions to arrest, prosecute and incarcerate them, here in SoHum we may see the the first city in America designed by and for them. This raises many questions, for instance:

What will we call this new city?
Emerald City- At the first meeting held to discuss this issue someone suggested this name. You know, from the Wizard of Oz, the city that was supposed to be so bright and shiny that you needed to wear special sunglasses to see the place. You don’t want to visit Garberville in the summertime without sunglasses, but 101 is not exactly the Yellow Brick Road. I doubt the citizens of this new Emerald City will ever get used to being called “munchkins”, but that’s what people will call them. To avoid this embarrassment, I offer these alternatives.

Ganjaland- Same concept, no midgets. Since “Weed” is already taken, “Ganjaland” sounds like the name of a theme-park for marijuana. I think that’s what they envision. I can see tie-dyed flags on the streetlights and a big “Welcome to Ganjaland Banner across Redwood Dr. with lots of coffee shops and dispensaries for the tourists.

Italstonia- This way we can communicate the whole pot thing and also recognize this communities Italian and Estonian roots. What’s that, you didn’t know about “Little Italy” and the Estonian enclave in G,ville?

Bruno- They name some cities after prominent founding members of the community. SoHum’s most prominent founding member is undoubtedly Carol Bruno. As a founding member and long-time president of the Mateel Community Center, principle organizer of the original Reggae on the River, and as head honcho of People’s Productions, Carol Bruno has put her fingerprints on this community in ways that will last for generations. Why shouldn’t the city carry her name?

Greed- Again, since “weed” is already taken, this punchy, one syllable name suits this community to a T. While people grow marijuana all over the country, most content themselves to grow their own, and maybe a little for friends, we’re famous for growing more marijuana, and for turning homegrown pot into a multi-million dollar industry. So, lets take credit for it.

What kind of law enforcement will this new city have?
As a community of outlaws, folks in So-Hum have a healthy disdain for cops. On a recent radio show about this issue, folks danced around this issue with the phrase, (and I am not making this up) “a constabulary that reflects the values of our local community.” Like anyone wants greedy, dishonest, narcissistic cops patrolling the streets of SoHum. You sure can’t call them “constables.” If you tell someone in Garberville to look out for the constable, he’ll think you are recommending a high-fiber diet. Peace officers need a title that everyone will immediately recognize as the voice of authority, though the title might vary, depending on the choice of city name.

For instance, if we went with the brutally honest name of “Greed”, we could call them the equally honest: “Fucking Pigs.” I think “The Fucking Pigs of Greed” has a great ring to it, and would look great on the side of the squad-car. In Ganjaland, we’d call them “Peace Officers” just like everywhere else, but here they’d wear tie-dye and ride bicycles. In Bruno, the “Bully Boys of Bruno” might rough you up if you step out of line. In Italstonia, the cops drive Fiats that say “Polizie” on the side and don’t speak any English. That ought to freak people out. Finally, what else can you call the cops of Emerald City besides “Flying Monkeys”?

Will Incorporation Pay off in the Long Run?
It’s time we get to the bottom line. We shouldn’t underestimate the value of a corrupt government bureaucracy here in SoHum. As a community heavily dependent on organized crime, facing the end of marijuana prohibition, many local gangsters need a new scam. A new city government could be just the institution they need to insure a solid revenue stream into the future. If we want to keep these social parasites from moving on to greener pastures, we’ll have to make some sacrifices.

Think of all the new jobs a city government would create in SoHum: a mayor and city council, with their clerks and secretaries, cops, with dispatchers, meter maids and a motor pool, a city hall, built by contractors with a permanent maintenance staff, maybe our own planning dept. with building inspectors and attendant staff, and god knows how many departments they will create. That’ll probably depend on how many family members need jobs.

Where Will This Money Come From?
Half of the residents of Garberville and Redway subsist on SSI, Social Security and/or Veterans benefits and working people don’t fare much better. The outlaws that have driven the local economy for years, from their latifundia in the hills, will probably remain outside the city limits, and the law. Thus, the burden of paying for this new city will fall to those community members who can afford it the least.

I say “Tax the pants off of those geezers, weezers and kitchen degreasers.” When they can’t pay anymore, put them out on the street and sell their homes at tax auction. The dope yuppies can come in and buy them up for pennies on the dollar. They can pay their taxes with marijuana, which they’ll sell at the dispensary in City Hall. Yes, I really think its time that we here in SoHum, who are so proud of the community we’ve built, show the world just what kind of people we are, and what kind of city we can create.