Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

labor of love

Well Spring is almost here, which means that all over Humboldt County, marijuana farmers are incredibly busy preparing to grow even more marijuana than they did last year. Even as you read this piece, most of them are hard at work building new greenhouses, clearing more forest land, putting in new water tanks and digging gigantic holes all over the countryside.digging_hole

This process involves hundreds of thousands of man-hours of backbreaking labor and requires millions of dollars in capital investment.


This capital comes almost entirely from the sale of last year’s record setting marijuana harvest. Since most of last year’s marijuana harvest has not sold yet, this investment cuts deeply into the grower’s disposable income. Few feel the pinch however, as they will have little time or energy to do anything else for a few months, but prepare for this year’s grow.

 tired kid

Why do they do it? So they don’t have to get a job, of course. Who wants to work for a living when you can grow marijuana, right? You’d think, but you’d be wrong. In Humboldt County, growing marijuana is a labor of love, crazy love.

 crazy love

Soon thousands of tractor trailers full of potting soil will clog our roads as they make their way into the hills to fill the millions of holes these growers have so diligently dug.

truck clogging dirt road

Every year, Humboldt County’s garden supply stores comb the nation for another sparsely populated and poorly guarded county that they can steal. They then dig up the entire county in the dead of night, pack it into bags labeled “Potting Soil” and smuggle it back to Humboldt County where they quickly sell it off on a strictly cash basis to Humboldt County marijuana farmers.

 sacks of soil

Somewhere in Wyoming, or perhaps North Dakota, one morning soon, the citizens of this unfortunate county will step off their front porch on their way to work, only to fall several feet, smack into the bedrock below. They will look up to see their home delicately balanced on jacks and cinder blocks, and realize that their entire lawn, and the soil which once supported the foundation of their homes, has been stolen overnight while they slept.

 truckload of soil

For them, it will already be too late. Their county has already been sold, distributed, and secreted away behind locked gates, where it will remain, protected by a constitutionally guaranteed right of privacy. Besides, few of them could positively identify the soil from under their own homes, especially now that it has been thoroughly sifted and blended with a myriad of exotic amendments.

 organic soil amendments

If you visit any of Humboldt County’s garden supply stores, you will find an amazing array of colorfully packaged, and even more colorfully named, fertilizers and soil amendments ranging from liquified fish guts from Alaska’s salmon canneries to ancient fossilized bat guano from caves deep within the jungles of Peru. Most Humboldt County garden shops also offer their own brands of fertilizers that they make on site, mostly from composted US currency.

 composted currency

Many of these fertilizers and soil amendments feature cheeky pin-up girls on the labels. This feature, along with the fact that these products sell for more per pound than fresh organic strawberries in January, indicate that these products are intended for use on marijuana plants. Only female marijuana plants produce marijuana, and marijuana growers often refer to their plants as “their ladies”.


You’ll often hear marijuana farmers say things like: “My ladies are lookin’ fine.” or “I take care of my ladies, and my ladies take care of me.” or “I need to to get home and hoe my ladies.” This makes them sound more like pimps than farmers, and greatly contributes to the general classiness of Humboldt County.


Can you imagine other kinds of farmers talking this way about their crops? Picture a dairy farmer saying “My ladies give me the sweetest cream.” or a broccoli farmer saying “This heat is gonna make my ladies bolt.” or a cabbage farmer saying “My ladies are full of horn-worms.” Creepy, huh?

 pimp tractor

All of this talk about their “ladies” belies the fact that most marijuana farmers are single and live alone. Growing marijuana in a remote, sparsely populated rural area like Humboldt County is a very lonely and isolating profession that tends to attract social misfits and people with self-alienating personalities.

 social misfit warning

The more lonely and isolated the marijuana farmer becomes, the more they tend to talk to, get naked around, and masturbate in front of, their “ladies”, often while looking at the pictures on boxes of fertilizer. This kind of “intimacy” with “their ladies”, coupled with an otherwise isolated existence builds a special kind of relationship between the cultivator and the cultivated that most other farmers, or sane people would not understand.

mykol blackwell green checco
Original Artwork by Mykol Blackwell

Soon, the marijuana farmer no longer grows marijuana to make money, and instead, makes money to grow marijuana. For these people, nothing is too good for “their ladies”, and they cannot have enough of them. They work harder, and spend more money to pamper “their ladies” than any sane farmer. This is the real reason why Humboldt County marijuana growers produce the best marijuana in the world, and more of it than any place else on Earth.


Over the years, because of their extreme devotion and isolation, many Humboldt County marijuana growers have gone totally bat-shit crazy, and fallen in love with “their ladies” in this way. This is why they work so hard, and spend so much money on, “their ladies”.  Every year, more of them go “over the edge”, and every year this “crazy love” impacts our forest habitat more intensely.

 large humboldt grow

large grows destroy forest

Personally, I enjoy smoking marijuana, and strongly believe it should be legalized, so that sane farmers, with tractors, and flat land to till, can grow it economically.

farmer on tractor

I also know that marijuana provides relief for millions of sick people who should have unfettered access to it, at the lowest price possible, but I also care about this community.

i care

That’s why I feel that something must be done to stop Humboldt County’s marijuana farmers before it’s too late. It has become clear to me, that nothing short of intervention, can save these poor souls, and our natural environment from this serious mental disorder.

gone crazy

On The Money, Laziness

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Working-Class


I think laziness gets short shrift in this culture. It seems the only ethic we have left as a culture is “the work ethic.” Now that avarice has become our religion, mass-murder our foreign policy, and sadism our national pastime, at least we can still redeem ourselves through good honest work, Right?


As long as you put in your eight hours, it doesn’t matter if you spend it cutting down old growth redwood trees, running an aging nuclear power plant into the ground, or tossing “bycatch” overboard on a factory trawler. As long as you show up on time, work conscientiously, and don’t slack off till quitting time, you can consider yourself a good and noble person.


On the other hand, if you just want to smoke pot and play your guitar all day, you are a derelict, a deadbeat and a waste case. If you have the nerve to do it in public, you’re a loiterer, a transient, or maybe a plazoid (if you do it at the Arcata Plaza). What’s the matter with you?


You could be cutting down those big old redwood trees, killing off the last few fish in the ocean, and creating a lasting legacy of death and disease for posterity. If you had any common decency, you’d find some way to help those bloodsucking capitalists rape the planet instead of sitting there on your ass trying to figure out how to play Stairway to Heaven between bong loads.


If you don’t have the stomach for rape, you could cook for them, wait on them or wash their dishes when they go out to eat. Maybe you could fix their cars or change their oil. Maybe you can sell them some crap they don’t need, like a refrigerator, or a new computer, or yet another cell phone.


Maybe you could make some of that crap, or design ads to sell it, or provide helpful tech support when they can’t figure out how to work it. Maybe you could write the code for some new smart phone app or video game, so they have something to distract themselves from the tedium of their daily grind.


Maybe you can clean up after them and haul away their garbage. That way you can see what everything beautiful, natural and untamed in the world looks like after its been raped, murdered, mutilated and tossed aside. Or….Maybe you could just pack me a bong load while I tune up.

We spend so much energy despising our laziness that we forget that it serves an important evolutionary purpose. Somethings in life really are more trouble than they are worth. I think we have lost site of this wisdom, as a culture, with tragic consequences. Laziness could have saved us a lot of trouble, and helped us avoid a lot of needless suffering destruction and death, in my opinion.


The Vietnam War was clearly more trouble than it was worth.

I think most people would say the same about the last two or three wars we’ve fought.

Some people would say war in general is more trouble than its worth.

Nuclear power is way more trouble than it is worth,which is why no one wants to invest in it unless the taxpayers insure it. Deep-sea oil drilling is certainly more trouble than it is worth. Clear-cut logging? Factory Trawling? Mountaintop removal mining? They sure seem like more trouble than they are worth to me.


Before pathological accumulation became the highest measure of human achievement, laziness served an important evolutionary role. You can count on hunger to motivate you to find food. You can count on low temperatures to motivate you to build a fire. But what stops us from gathering food when we’re not hungry? What stops us from gathering firewood and making a fire when it’s warm? While the insecure ego always wants more, laziness says “enough”.


Evolutionarily, laziness kept us from building larger homes than we needed. Laziness kept us from depleting our environment and food supply. While we have evolved circuitry to motivate us to do the stuff we need to to survive, only laziness prevents us from doing a lot of unnecessary, pointless and destructive stuff that we don’t need to do.


Before we had environmental regulations, before we had fish quotas, before we had hunting limits and grading ordinances, we had laziness. Yes, laziness served us well for millions of years. Laziness kept our population stable, kept us in harmony with nature, and kept us from taking more than we needed from the earth. Beyond that, laziness gave us the greatest gift nature has to offer, leisure time.


It was only by substituting “the work ethic” for our natural laziness, that humans were able to create the agricultural revolution that gave rise to civilization. Ever since, we’ve been raised to despise our natural laziness, and to believe that we can become good people through hard work.


As a result, nothing has ever been “more trouble than it is worth” since. We can put a man on the moon. We can build precision guided nuclear weapons, and we can build thousand foot tall skyscrapers, for example, but should we? Maybe these things really are more trouble than they are worth. Maybe these things are more trouble than we ever imagined.


Since then, its been all about growth, acquisition, productivity and work, work, work. As a result, we have turned a large and growing portion of the earths surface to desert, depleted the oceans, polluted the freshwater, driven thousands of species into extinction, made the air unhealthy to breath, and heated the whole planet by a couple of degrees, so far.


Our own industriousness has become an enormous looming crisis. Our regulatory framework seems woefully inadequate to address these problems, and the situation worsens every day. Natural human laziness kept all of that under control for millions of years. Nothing else, it seems, can turn this situation around.


The “work ethic”, really nothing more than deeply internalized slavery, originally instilled with whips by “slave masters”, generations ago, has injured us deeply. Without our natural laziness, we just don’t know how to live in the world anymore.


If we wish to survive, we must abandon the “work ethic”, and relearn to appreciate leisure time more than shiny new gadgets. Let laziness guide your life, and be satisfied with enough.