Introducing a Revolutionary New Beverage: Beer Free
So, I quit drinking beer last Spring, and I made it through the entire year without my usual case or two of IPA every month. Don’t worry, I’m not on a 12 step sobriety program, or any such weirdness. My girlfriend switched to a gluten-free diet, and very persistently nagged me to give it a try. Since she cooks for me, the food part was easy, but the beer. That was the sticking point.
She suggested I switch to wine or brandy. I gave them both a try. Sure, they both have plenty of alcohol, but neither has that clean, refreshing bite of a nice cold beer. Wine and brandy both seem kind of bourgeois to me, so, I found them both less than satisfying, and I tended to drink more of them to drown the feelings of self-loathing that came along with betraying my working-class sensibilities.
I tried hard cider. I like hard cider, on occasion, but the tartness of hard cider always reminds me of Jolly Ranchers, Smarties, or Pixie Stix, candy that I only ate because someone dropped them in my trick-or-treat bag at Halloween. I have some fond memories of Halloween, not that many really, compared to all of my fond beer memories, but a few. I don’t necessarily want to relive my Halloween memories every evening, especially with a taste that reminds me of people who were to cheap to spring for chocolate. Does anyone make an alcoholic beverage out of fermented candy corn? Not that I want to drink it, but can you think of anything better to do with candy corn?
Finally, I discovered a new beverage that satisfies. It’s crisp, clean and refreshing, like a mountain stream.
It tastes great, and it’s even less filling than lite beer. In fact this new beverage tastes remarkably similar to lite beer, yet has 0 calories. Count ’em! …0… That’s nothin’!
I am so confident that this new beverage will take America by storm, that I have invested in a new company to market it. This beverage has such universal appeal that I believe everyone, I mean everyone should try it. We call this new beverage Beer Free
Beer Free
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Contains no alcohol, so it’s safe for children
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Contains no beer, hence the name
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Has no calories, so it won’t make you fat
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Has no gluten, so your girlfriend will stop nagging you about the gluten.
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Is produced without pesticides or preservatives, and made from the finest natural ingredient on Earth
Beer Free suits your active modern lifestyle
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you can drink it all day long, and drive home without having to worry about pesky cops and their breathalyzer tests
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you can have one with breakfast without drawing disapproving looks from teetotalers
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you can drink it at work without fear that it might jeopardize your career
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you can use it to wash down other drugs, without worrying about dangerous synergistic effects
…And nothing… nothing on Earth.. soothes the throat after a major bong blast better, or quenches chronic cotton-mouth faster than water…er… I mean Beer Free!
Try Beer Free today!