Culture in the Toilet Pt. 2 Norway

If you missed: Culture in the Toilet pt1 Germany, here’s a link

Norwegians have it made. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. I wish every American could visit Norway just to see what real prosperity looks like. In Norway, everyone drives a Tesla, and they feed their kids Caviar like it was peanut butter.

(BTW Europeans have never heard of peanut butter. They all know what Nutella is, but when you try to explain that it’s like Nutella, but made with Spanish peanuts and without chocolate they look at you like you are insane.)

Norway itself is just stunningly beautiful with towering snow-capped mountains, incredible fields of wildflowers and lots of fjords. Fjord, apparently, is a Norwegian word for cramming mountains, beaches and lakes together in a way that maximizes their scenic and recreational potential.

They’ve also got social wealth. They have very little crime, and I don’t think I saw a single cop in the two weeks I spent there, but every little town in rural Norway has an amazing community center, or Kulturhus,

Kulturhus – Oppdal, Norway (pop 6,814)

with a library, open six days a week, and a wifi cafe, open even longer, with electrical outlets at every table and a couple of teenagers standing by to make you a cup of coffee or a waffle, if you like.

There’s also a movie theater,

a concert hall,

and you can hear children splashing in the huge indoor public swimming pool.

Yes, all of these pictures are from the Oppdal, Kulturhus. Oppdal, Norway has a population of less than 7,000 people

Rural Norwegians expect this.

Food costs a lot in Norway, but Norwegians don’t seem short on cash, and they appear to eat well. I say this because Norwegians are huge! Not like Americans, who grow fatter each year, instead Norwegians grow taller. As a 6’ tall man, here in the US, I occasionally see women who are taller than me, but only occasionally. In Norway, I was surrounded by women who looked at me like “Has Snow White misplaced one of her dwarves?”

At one shop in Norway, I wondered why they sold kayaks in pairs, until I realized it was a men’s shoe store. I can only assume that Norwegian men are as well-endowed as the country they hail from.

In Part 1 I speculated that there might be an inverse relationship between the size of a man’s penis and how fast he drives, based on my experience in Germany, where men drive very fast and toilet bowls are shallow. Norwegians, on the other hand, drive slower than anyone. The speed limit in Norway is 48 mph, posted as 80kmh. Occasionally, on a remote stretch of straight highway, they’ll let you go 62 mph (100kmh) but only for a short stretch, and nobody speeds. They all have new Teslas, that will go 0-60 in 2.3 seconds and blow the doors off of a Porsche, but they don’t. They just don’t.

In Norway, they don’t even have cops out there to enforce the speed limit. Unlike Americans, and most Europeans, Norwegians drive like they have something to live for, as well as somewhere to go.

If you need to go, Norway is a pretty good place to do it. One thing you’ll notice about Norwegian restrooms, is that they are all heated. This is really nice on a chilly evening, but not so nice on a 95 degree day.

While I found German toilet bowls too shallow to accommodate my American schlong, by contrast, Norwegian toilet bowls are cavernously deep, with plenty of dangle clearance. Norwegian’s make toilets out of stainless steel, rather than ceramic, and they include a fixed seat, made of polished hardwood. Norwegian toilets have clean lines, a modern look, and the functional efficiency that you would expect from Scandinavian design. Norwegian toilets had no motors or robotics, but the trio of high-pressure nozzles inside the bowl struck me as a significant innovation, and they seemed to work well at eliminating “cling-ons” in a single flush.

Norwegians appear to have the best of everything, including toilets. You just have to see it to believe it.

Author: john hardin

Artist bio: The writer in me says: “Don’t tell them who you are, show them what you do.” The artist in me says: “It must be strong, simple, bold, yet rich with detail, but above all, original.” The filmmaker in me says: “We need to contextualize your work by weaving the roots of the Psychedelic Revolution, the Environmental Movement, Gaia Theory, Future Primitivism and musical influences from Iannis Xenakis to Bart Hopkin into a narrative that portrays an iconoclast's struggle for cultural relevance from the forested hinterlands of rural Northern California within the greater post-industrial, post-post-modern, post-reality mind-fuck of the 21st Century.” The critic in me says: “Will that guy ever shut up?” The comedian in me says: “It has to make me laugh at least once.” The engineer in me says: “Don’t forget to tell them that you do it all off-grid, with solar power, using recycled materials.” And the improvisational musician in me says: “Cut! Great job everybody!”

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