A tweaker asked me for spare change on the street the other day. He was in bad shape. His eyes were bugging out. He was twitching. His clothes were dirty and torn and I could barely figure out what he was asking me. However, he had recently shaved his face, and most of his head, except for a thin Mohawk strip that was also cut pretty close to the scalp. That just boggled my mind. “What is wrong with kids these days?” I thought.
I mean, if I knew, when I woke up, that by 11:00AM, I’d be standing in front of the Shell station incoherently begging for spare change and weed, I sure as hell wouldn’t have bothered to shave first. Obviously this guy lost his job, his home, his mind, his dignity and his toothbrush months ago, but he’s still got that razor. What is he thinking? Where are his priorities? What’s he got against hair?
If I don’t absolutely HAVE TO shave, and I mean literally required, mandated or threatened with poison gas, I would never shave, or cut the rest of my hair for that matter. I never liked shaving. If it wasn’t required by my boss, or necessary to insure that my respirator fit tightly enough to protect me from welding fumes, I would never shave. I can’t understand why people shave so much, even when they don’t have to.
Granted, it’s a little weird that we, as homo sapiens have so much hair on our heads and so little anywhere else, but that’s how we are. We’re weird looking apes with really hairy heads. That’s life. “Get used to it;” I say, but kids today don’t listen. Young people seem much too eager to divest themselves of their evolutionary hairitage, and this worries me.
Barbers have got to be making a killing! Every guy I see around here, under thirty, looks like they got their hair cut this morning, and there isn’t more than two weeks growth anywhere on their entire head. If they’re not completely clean-shaven, they’ve got some sculpted little high-maintenance topiary of a goatee. If they have it done, that’s way too much money thrown away like so many quarter-inch long pieces of hair around the barber’s chair. If they do it themselves, that’s too much time for a guy to spend staring at himself in a mirror. Either way, it’s too much.
I suspect this follicle-phobia also afflicts young women.
I’ve seen multiple ads for local salons offering Brazilian bikini wax service, and read recently that emergency room visits for “pubic grooming accidents” have skyrocketed in recent years. Emergency room visits… Remember, that’s how our parents found out what drugs were popular with us kids.
Unless my young female readers start sending selfies, I’m not likely to have the opportunity to survey what young women are doing with their pubic hair, but now that the idea has occurred to me, I would very much like my young female readers to send selfies showing their pubic hairstyle. I need to know more.
I suspect that these statistics reveal a trend, and the fact that this trend sends young people to hospital emergency rooms should trouble us all deeply. Do they think this looks good? A shaved head looks like a thumb with wings.
A shaved pussy looks like Homer Simpson’s maw. Is that a hot look?
Believe me, if I can see you pussy, it’s a hot look. Whether it’s shaved, bushy, braided, dyed, permed, sculpted or dread locked, if you are showing it to me, that’s hot. I can think of a couple of things I’d rather not see on a pussy, like sutures, an infected wound or even little dots of toilet paper with a spot of blood in the middle, so if you absolutely must shave your pussy, please be careful.
Personally, I have never been offended by a woman’s body hair. Underarm hair definitely turns me on, and I don’t even care if you shave your legs.
I certainly wouldn’t complain about sex with a shaved pussy, but I’m not so sure about 5 o’clock shadows, or five-day stubble. I don’t want to get razor burn from a pussy.
I imagine that once you start shaving your pussy, you probably have to shave it again, pretty soon, no doubt increasing your chances of suffering one of those pubic grooming accidents that lands you in the hospital.
Is any of this necessary? Any time you cut your hair, you bring sharp metal objects dangerously close to your own flesh. If you want to cut an eight-inch piece of hair down to four inches, you can hold the scissors four inches away from your body, giving you a four-inch safety margin.
When you constantly, day after day, trim your one inch hairs down to half an inch and that sixteenth-of-an-inch of stubble that grows everywhere else down to nothin’ flat, you’re bound to cut an artery sooner or later.
This seems like risky behavior. I worry about people who cut their hair too much the way I worry about people who wash their hands too often. It seems a little neurotic. When kids cut themselves intentionally, that’s a sign of serious emotional problems. Young people who habitually wield sharp objects within an inch of their own flesh are clearly “at risk.” Something needs to be done.
Everyone should try to be as hair-positive as possible. Hair is a good thing. It’s a natural thing. Tell kids about the Indian trackers recruited by the army. The US Army recruited the best Indian trackers they could find, but once the Indians joined the army and traded their long hair for the standard military crew cut, they lost their ability to track. Hair is power. Hair is strength. Hair is healthy.
I’ll do my best to set a good example, and whenever I can, I’ll remind young people that it’s OK to skip shaving. I’ll let them know that if they’re going on a drugged out bender, that’s fine, as long as they stay away from sharp metal objects. Drugs and razors don’t mix! There will be plenty of time to shave in rehab.
If you were to express my philosophy of life in just one sentence it would be: Don’t mess with nature, or nature will mess with you. Nature gave me a hairy head, and I don’t mess with it. I can’t say I’m unhappy with the result. Looks have never been my strong suit, and the less I think about how I look, the happier I am. I imagine there’s a reason we have so much hair on our heads, and I trust the forces that shaped us as human beings through eons of evolution to be my personal stylist.