New Humboldt County Cannabis Strains for 2014
After Humboldt County Growers’ abysmal showing at the 2013 Cannabis Cup Awards, where not a single Humboldt County grower placed in the top ten, local cannabis breeders have been stirring up the gene pool in preparation for the 2014 growing season. “I guess our stuff has gotten a bit inbred.” said one Humboldt County grower, who asked to remain anonymous, because he was so ashamed of his weed’s poor showing at the awards, adding, “We’re definitely going to have to kick it up a notch if we want to stay competitive.”
So, in hopes of a better showing at next year’s Cannabis Cup, Humboldt County growers will try dozens of new strains. As part of the effort to “brand” Humboldt County ganja, and to encourage more community buy-in, this year’s strains have all been named after prominent Humboldt County citizens. Here’s a sample of what you might be smoking next Fall:
Gary Lee Bullock One toke of this brand new strain hits you like a metal pipe and sends you straight to heaven.
Ray Oakes If you smoke this strain, you’ll recall some memory from the distant past, with exceptional clarity, but you’ll get so distracted that it will take you two or three weeks to get to the good part.
Blake Lehman Smoking this stuff will get you so high you think you own the whole town.
John Casali This strain is almost psychedelic in that it makes you see shit everywhere.
Paul Encimer Imbibe this new strain, and you won’t be able to stop talking, but nothing you say will make any sense.
Charlie Custer This strain gets you so stoned that you’ll say “um” twice before every sentence.
Bonnie Blackberry I love this strain, but if you smoke it, it will make you so paranoid that you’ll call the cops, just to find out what they are up to.
Eric Kirk Be careful of this strain. If you smoke it, you’ll become hopelessly addicted… to politics.
Estelle Fennel This strain is strong enough to turn a liberal lesbian into a redneck Good ‘Ol Boy.
Anna Hamilton This pot makes people very empathetic, so much so, that it makes poor musicians worry that drug dealers aren’t making enough money.
Rob Arkley Jr This strain has the opposite effect of the Anna Hamilton strain. Smoke a joint of RAJ and you’ll become totally self-absorbed, and oblivious to the needs of others.
Chris Giauque A potent local strain, but nobody seems to know where to find it.
Ken Swithenbank This strain will give you a ticket or take you to jail unless you smoke its joint.
…but mostly, you’ll probably see tons of this generic:
Humboldt Dope Yuppie A popular strain among growers for its quick maturity and heavy yield, but generally despised by cannabis connoisseurs for its disappointing high. With a complex, but not exactly attractive, aroma that consists of equal parts dead fish, engine exhaust and money, this is the perfect strain for growers who actually prefer the taste of expensive red wine.
Who knows, maybe the next Cannabis Cup winning strain will be named after you.