We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford
I gotta hang out with Rob Ford more. The mayor of Toronto knows how to party doesn’t he? I mean, all politicians drink; nothing surprising there, and I don’t blame them for it a bit. You have to drink to get through all of those meetings.
I’ve been to enough committee meetings, board meetings, public meetings, private meetings and conferences to know just how excruciatingly dull they can be. No one could survive them for long without anesthetic. Alcohol is the time tested prescription, and I mean alcohol, 80 proof minimum. Beer doesn’t cut it for public servants, but a few martinis gets the job done quickly, and without all those belches or trips to the bathroom.
Just last week, one of our local politicians, former County Supervisor Johanna Rodoni, got pulled over and cited for DUI after a meeting of the county fair board. Of course she was smashed! How else could she endure three hours of blah… blah… blah… about the goddamned county fair? The woman is not made of stone!
You cannot have government without alcohol. In fact, the two are codependent. Without government there’s no alcohol and without alcohol, there’s no government. Alcohol and government are both symptoms of a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle. When things have gotten so bad that armed men in uniform patrol your streets, detain people, and demand that you pay them off, you’re pretty well screwed. If you think that’s a good thing, you’re really screwed-up.
I call it “The Tyranny of Tedium”. If government were interesting or exciting, more people would pay attention to it. Politicians don’t want that. Politicians want want people to ignore what they do, and they do their best to bore the pants off of anyone who is paying attention. Then, at the end of the meeting, after the last concerned citizen has nodded off, they ram through the deal that siphons all the tax revenue into their pockets. For centuries, politicians have used alcohol to help them wait out the public and bore them into submission.
So, all politicians drink. That doesn’t make them fun to hang out with. In fact, sober or drunk, politicians are usually dull company. If they’ve become successful at the tyranny of tedium, it’s usually because they have a natural talent for inducing boredom in others. Government gives them the opportunity to capitalize on that gift. To compensate, politicians hire people to find them entertaining.
Politicians and prostitutes go together like peanut butter and jelly. Politicians sell themselves all the time, so they have a lot in common with prostitutes, and really enjoy their company. For politicians, an afternoon spent sipping martinis with some high-priced prostitutes on a campaign donors yacht, really helps boost their morale, and reminds them why they decided to devote their lives to public service in the first place. So, they make sure to schedule these kinds of events periodically. I’m sure they find it entertaining, but that still doesn’t make them fun people to hang out with.
I can see why a politician would enjoy cocaine too. I’ll bet a lot of them do it, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard about one getting caught. Cocaine is so easy to conceal. You’d think Mayor Ford could manage to do it more discretely, but I can see why he would like it. I’ll bet cocaine makes sex with prostitutes even more fun, and it probably helps him keep his eyes open in the afternoons after those three martini lunches.
Cocaine users tend to be kind of unstable though, and they usually crash and burn in pretty short order. It starts as a little gleam in the eye. Then it becomes a nervous tick. Pretty soon, they become disturbingly animated over some insignificant detail, and after that, it doesn’t take long before they come completely unglued. Sometimes that can be entertaining to watch, especially if you don’t care about the person, and don’t loan them any money.
I’ve never done much cocaine, myself. I tried it once or twice, and was not impressed. What did impress me, negatively, was the people I knew who did cocaine. While I generally like marijuana smokers, I have never cared much for cocaine users. I don’t know whether shallow, greedy, status-conscious, self-absorbed people tend to enjoy cocaine, or whether cocaine makes people shallow, greedy, status-conscious and self-absorbed, but I’ve found every cocaine user I’ve ever met, pretty much insufferable.
I actually learned to grow my own marijuana, just so I wouldn’t have to hang out with cocaine users. Too many marijuana dealers use the profits from their marijuana sales to buy cocaine, at least too many of mine did. So, as soon as I could (my freshman year in college), I started growing my own. I never sold much of it though, because in order to sell it, I would have to hang out with the same vapid, dipstick, cocaine using marijuana dealers that I was growing my own marijuana to avoid in the first place.
So, why do I think Rob Ford would be such a great guy to hang out with? I really like Rob Ford’s honesty. It’s so refreshing in a politician. Now that he’s been caught, he wants to be out about it. He’s like “Look, I’m a politician. I drink like a fish. I have sex with prostitutes, and I like to do hard drugs too, but I’m not addicted, and I buy my own drugs. I don’t mooch off of other people. Sure, I get a little crazy every once in a while; what do you expect? I’m a piss-drunk coke-fiend for Christ’s sake! I’m still a good guy, and I’m still the guy you voted for. I may not be perfect, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is who I am. Please accept me as your mayor.”
I love it. I’m behind Mayor Rob Ford 100%. We need more politicians like Rob Ford. Politicians like Rob Ford actually make government interesting. If politicians like Rob Ford make government interesting enough, maybe people will wake up, and realize what a stupid idea it was in the first place.