Introducing a Revolutionary New Beverage: Beer Free
So, I quit drinking beer last Spring, and I made it through the entire year without my usual case or two of IPA every month. Don’t worry, I’m not on a 12 step sobriety program, or any such weirdness. My girlfriend switched to a gluten-free diet, and very persistently nagged me to give it a try. Since she cooks for me, the food part was easy, but the beer. That was the sticking point.
She suggested I switch to wine or brandy. I gave them both a try. Sure, they both have plenty of alcohol, but neither has that clean, refreshing bite of a nice cold beer. Wine and brandy both seem kind of bourgeois to me, so, I found them both less than satisfying, and I tended to drink more of them to drown the feelings of self-loathing that came along with betraying my working-class sensibilities.
I tried hard cider. I like hard cider, on occasion, but the tartness of hard cider always reminds me of Jolly Ranchers, Smarties, or Pixie Stix, candy that I only ate because someone dropped them in my trick-or-treat bag at Halloween. I have some fond memories of Halloween, not that many really, compared to all of my fond beer memories, but a few. I don’t necessarily want to relive my Halloween memories every evening, especially with a taste that reminds me of people who were to cheap to spring for chocolate. Does anyone make an alcoholic beverage out of fermented candy corn? Not that I want to drink it, but can you think of anything better to do with candy corn?
Finally, I discovered a new beverage that satisfies. It’s crisp, clean and refreshing, like a mountain stream.
It tastes great, and it’s even less filling than lite beer. In fact this new beverage tastes remarkably similar to lite beer, yet has 0 calories. Count ’em! …0… That’s nothin’!
I am so confident that this new beverage will take America by storm, that I have invested in a new company to market it. This beverage has such universal appeal that I believe everyone, I mean everyone should try it. We call this new beverage Beer Free
Contains no alcohol, so it’s safe for children
Contains no beer, hence the name
Has no calories, so it won’t make you fat
Has no gluten, so your girlfriend will stop nagging you about the gluten.
Is produced without pesticides or preservatives, and made from the finest natural ingredient on Earth
Beer Free suits your active modern lifestyle
you can drink it all day long, and drive home without having to worry about pesky cops and their breathalyzer tests
you can have one with breakfast without drawing disapproving looks from teetotalers
you can drink it at work without fear that it might jeopardize your career
you can use it to wash down other drugs, without worrying about dangerous synergistic effects
…And nothing… nothing on Earth.. soothes the throat after a major bong blast better, or quenches chronic cotton-mouth faster than water…er… I mean Beer Free!
Try Beer Free today!