Mother’s Day Reconsidered
Don’t you think, that for a planet with over 7 billion people on it, a day to celebrate motherhood is just a little out of date. Don’t we really need a day to celebrate child-free women? Shouldn’t they be the ones to get the praise and appreciation, and tax breaks, and WWIC (Women Without Infants or Children) food aid, and housing vouchers, so they can afford their own apartment without shacking up with some jerk who will inevitably knock them up? I mean, I don’t want to condemn the selfish, irresponsible, dimwits who have the nerve to reproduce in the face of global ecosystem collapse. I just think that, women especially, who choose not to reproduce, deserve special gratitude from society as a whole.
First off, all manner of birth control should be made available to them, free of charge, paid for by a tax on disposable diapers. Abortion should be subsidized, and available free of charge, on demand, up to the 12th trimester. That way, women could have a baby, you know, to have that “mothering” experience, but when the the kid is two and she gets sick of it, she can ditch it with no hassle.
Second, if a child-free woman wants to smoke a cigarette, parents should have to take their kids elsewhere if they want to protect them from second-hand smoke. Same for cussing, drug use, nudity, and public displays of affection and sexuality. Just get your fucking kids the hell out of there and don’t give anybody a hard time about it.
Third, restaurants, airlines, public buildings, and hotels, if they allow children at all, should confine families with small children to a dank, stuffy, soundproof section painted in primary colors and littered with disease ridden toys, while the rest of us enjoy our meals, flights, court dates and overnight stays without the unnecessary disturbance.
Fourth, we need a new holiday to celebrate child-free women. This should be a hell of a lot more fun than Mother’s Day. Forget the sappy cards, flowers, and champagne brunch. Instead, we celebrate everything a child-free woman can do, that would otherwise get her labeled an unfit mother. It’ll be like Mardi-Gras with condoms instead of beads.
Fifth, child-free free women deserve more recognition for the contribution they make in the workplace. Child-free women should get paid time-off to travel, take up skydiving or just party. We’ll call it non-maternity leave. Any woman who works at a job for 5yrs, without having a baby, should get it.
Finally, remember the words of Frank Zappa: “If your kids ever realize how lame you are, they will murder you in your sleep.” Your kids have good reasons to hate you. From the degraded planet we leave them to the dysfunctional culture we inflict on them, they are pretty well fucked. So, whatever your kids do to you, just know that you’ve got it coming. Unfortunately, they’ll probably just take out their resentments on their own kids, because they’ll grow up every bit as dumb and cruel as their parents.
Child-free women on the other hand, deserve the best of what’s left of what life has to offer. Its time we recognized them for their wisdom, compassion for the earth, and for just how hot they are.