A Candidate Sends Me A Sponge
With so many candidates in the field for the new CA 2nd Congressional District, a person could waste a lot of time gathering enough information to make an informed choice in the matter. Of course, if we had any sense, we’d do away with congress altogether. The problem with the single most destructive force on planet Earth is not that it needs better leadership. No, to stop the single most destructive force on planet Earth, people have to stop believing in congress.
In my book, running for congress speaks poorly of your character as a person. If you expect me to believe that you can change the violent, oppressive and destructive nature of the US empire by working within this corrupt, dysfunctional and wrongheaded system, you are too stupid, crazy, and/or dishonest, for me to want anything more to do with you. These candidates all deserve a punch in the nose, more than they do my vote. They want us to believe in Santa Claus, and then they want us to believe that they are Santa Claus.
In this regard, Jared Huffman might be on the right track. He sent me a sponge, something I could actually use. Unfortunately, I don’t care much for sponges. I don’t use them much, for one thing, and they also hold some negative connotations for me. Sponges suck. That’s what they do. That’s why you call someone who drinks up all of your beer, or eats all of your food, or smokes all of your pot, a “sponge”. I expect that Jared Huffman is eager to sponge up my tax dollars. Thanks to this generous gift, I will always think of him that way.
I recently referred to our two 2nd District Supervisor candidates as slimy dish sponges, Jared wants me to know that he’s one too. Hey, at least he sent me something I could use. That puts him well ahead of the rest of the pack. What have they done to buy my vote? Nothing, so far. What do these other candidates have to do to to make me favor them over Huffman? Simple, they just have to give me something I like better than a stupid sponge.
Maybe a nice pen, for instance. As a writer I appreciate pens, especially nice ones. Our local credit union, back in more profitable times, used to give away nice retractable soft-grip pens. They had sturdy metal clips that that didn’t snap off, a nice fat tapered barrel and a layer of translucent gel to get a grip on. They seemed a little spendy, but I liked them, and those pens made me like the credit union much more. I miss those pens.
These days, the credit union gets these cheapo pens with straight barrels in hideous colors and cheap plastic clips that snap off at the slightest tug, and the worst thing about them is that they don’t write for shit!!! They fake you out by writing a word or two, then nothing. You scribble away for a second, and just when you are about to give up, they start writing again. So you write another couple of words, and they stop again. This gets old, fast, even for a free pen. These new credit union pens are so frustrating that I finally rounded them all up and threw them all away. Now I resent the credit union for wasting money on cheap, useless, swag pens.
So, candidates, if you are going to send me a pen, make it a nice one, one that still works come election day. That would make me happy. I also have a nice little tape measure that was once a promotional item. Its only one and one-quarter inch square and three-eighths inch deep, (yes, I used it to measure itself) and holds seven feet of tape. Its so small that its easy to carry in my pocket. I don’t leave home without it. It’s at least thirty years old and has seen so much use that all the paint has worn off of the first two inches. If a politician had given it to me, he’d still be in office.
Do you remember “Bat Day” at the ballpark? Everyone who came to the ballgame that day got a, not quite regulation size, baseball bat. Even though these bats lacked sufficient mass to hit home-runs, they were perfect for cracking skulls and made effective murder weapons. I’ve seen lots of baseball themed political signs this election season, a bat giveaway might score a grand-slam for some politician soon.
Better yet, ask your doctor. Ask you doctor what was the sweetest swag he’s gotten from drug makers this year. The pharmaceutical industry always busts out the best swag. They give out pens that work, with four colors of ink, and a built in highlighter, flashlight and laser pointer. I’ve seen doctors offices decorated entirely in “Cialis”. So, you politicians who can actually afford to see a doctor, ask them what kinds of bribes work best, and then make with the goodies.
Wouldn’t it be great if politicians stopped wasting their money on junk mail, TV attack ads and hideous billboards that pollute the countryside, and stopped wasting our time with weaselly, misleading, and unrealistic campaign rhetoric, and instead just sent us all something nice. I wouldn’t mind seeing them raise so much campaign cash if I knew that’s how they would spend it.
I really think you could tell more about the candidate from the swag they send you, as you can from the onslaught of advertizing we endure each election cycle. Think of the possibilities: A ball cap sends a very different message than a T-shirt. A corkscrew speaks to a different constituency than a bottle opener, and a flashlight does not mean the same thing as a lighter. Each candidate would only send you a card and a gift, that’s all! If they can’t get their message across in that format they’ve got no business running for office.
No more stupid TV ads, no more bins overflowing with junk mail, no more ugly campaign signs, instead, elections will be like Christmas. In fact, we should have elections at Christmas time, and let the politicians do all of our Christmas shopping for us. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be great to actually get something nice from democracy for a change? But really, Jared, the sponge doesn’t cut it.