Well it’s Christmas time again, a time of Holiday cheer and Christmas spirit, and also a time of great wonder. There’s the wonder of a crisp still winter’s eve. There’s the wonder of the miracle of the virgin birth, or at least the first successful coverup of sexual abuse by the Catholic Church. There’s the look of wonder in a child’s eyes when he meets Santa for the first time and thinks, “What kind of sicko creep wants little kids sitting on his lap all day?” and realizes, “If he thinks I’m good, he’s going to break into my house at night.”
Christmas makes me wonder too. And so, beloved reader, I offer these Christmysteries as my gift to you this Holiday season.
Where did X-mas come from?
Why not C-mas, or Chr’ms?
Do Jews ever spell Chanukah X-ukah?
Does Christmas spirit always mean alcohol, or can it also be marijuana, cocaine or MDMA?
Why doesn’t your family ever get you what you really want for Christmas, like an 8-ball of coke and a night with a hooker?
Is “Who-hash” any good?
Did visions of Sugarplums dancing in a child’s head inspire the California Raisins ad campaign?
Were they drug induced visions?
Why can’t you buy eggnog in July?
When did people stop using Christmas lights to replace candles, and start using them to make their homes look like casinos and living rooms look like discos?
Say this one five times fast when you are drunk: Why wreaths with red ribbons?
How do they make a dozen pine cones reek like a whole warehouse full of cinnamon?
So the sleeves are green, what color is the rest of the shirt?
Did anyone ever like fruitcake?
What’s in Santa’s pipe and why are his eyes all red?
What’s in candy-canes and why are they the only food product without an ingredient list printed on them?
Does anyone over five ever eat them?
Since most people just pack the candy-canes up with the rest of the Christmas ornaments, how old are the oldest candy-canes still in continuous use?
Where will we tell kids that Santa lives when there’s no more arctic sea ice?
Why do people wait in line for hours, spend money they don’t have, and fight the crowds on Black Friday, when you can invariably find all of the same stuff in about 14 months, in a thrift store for $5?
When were there ever twelve days of Christmas?
What are “lords” and why are they leaping?
Is that like a congressman on the take, or when your landlord commits suicide?
Why would a reindeer’s nose glow?
Santa lives someplace where it’s dark 6 months out of the year. Do you expect me to believe that he finds his way around by reindeer nose light?
Why doesn’t Santa have a fucking Mag-Light? He must have given away a billion of them as presents.