Giving Thanks in 2011
Well its Thanksgiving again. Time to reflect on all the things we have to be thankful for. Sure the economy is in the tank, our government has proven itself completely dysfunctional, and we’ve pretty much blown our chances of mitigating a global climate catastrophe. Despite our complete and utter failure, as a culture, to meet the challenges of our time, and despite the pathetic, shallow, gadget obsessed ninnies we’ve become as individuals, we still have plenty to be thankful for this year. For instance:
I’m thankful that on two separate occasions this year, the world failed to end as predicted.
I’m thankful that the comet that is allegedly the home planet of Dick Cheney’s “lizard people” relatives, disintegrated into dust before it reached earth.
I’m thankful the U.S. has not been invaded by a super-race of seven foot tall Chinese people, as a very troubled neighbor of mine once warned.
I’m thankful that despite a nationwide drug shortage in hospitals, you can still find plenty of black tar heroin on the streets of Humboldt Co.
I’m thankful that I can get my “junk” touched for free at any airport.
I’m thankful for people who are fatter, older, balder, and uglier than me.
I’m thankful that piranhas cannot fly and that they prefer a more tropical climate.
I’m thankful for German Measles, Mexican Flu and other ethnic diseases, and think that remedies for them should be flavored accordingly. If we do this, the treatment for an upcoming Asian Avian Flu epidemic will taste like Szechuan Chicken.
I’m thankful that good pot is finally becoming affordable again.
I’m thankful that baby boomers won’t live forever.
I’m thankful that most of the tourists, clippers and transients have cleared out of town.
I’m thankful that most of the dope yuppies will soon leave for Hawaii.
I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Aaron Basler
I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Eureka Police.
I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Mexican drug cartels operating in the National Forest.
I’m thankful I didn’t shoot myself with the gun I bought to protect my home and family from people like Aaron Basler, the Eureka Police and Mexican drug cartels.
I’m thankful for the inspiring SoHum community, who often inspire me to write, and never fail to inspire me to ask “What is wrong with these people?”
I’m thankful for the restraining order that keeps my nutcase neighbor away from my home.
I’m thankful that I have not had to appear in court in the past year.
I’m thankful that house-cats have not been aggressively bred for fighting, and that we are not also overrun with the feline equivalent of pit-bulls.
I’m thankful that Michael Jackson, unlike Elvis, has had the good sense to stay dead. The “King of Pop” did not fake us out, with a string of postmortem “sightings”, the way Elvis did, and I’m thankful.
I’m thankful that I haven’t seen Jersey Shore, Operation Runway, or American Idol, even once.
I’m thankful that I haven’t ever wasted a day playing video games.
I’m thankful that I’ve never seen Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly, or Sean Hannity except as parodied in political cartoons.
I’m thankful that I neither own, nor want, an ipad, ipod, or iphone.
I’m thankful that gauged lip rings have not gained the same popularity as gauged earrings.
I’m thankful that I can’t think of a single symbol, phrase or image that I want indelibly inscribed on my flesh.
I’m thankful that bagpipes are not more popular with teenagers.
I’m thankful that Penicillin also works for women, even though Vagisil does nothing for men.
I’m thankful that Bob Dylan didn’t make a second Christmas album.
I’m thankful for caffeinated alcoholic beverages, and for irritable, high-strung drunks. I’m not sure why.
I’m thankful that I can still find a good $5 hippie burrito, except that I now pay $7.50 for it.
I’m thankful to Greece, Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Syria and Bahrain for showing us what revolution looks like.
I’m thankful for the Occupy Wall St. movement for starting one here.
I’m thankful that Giant Pacific Salamanders don’t grow to be thirty feet long.
I’m thankful for The Independent, The Redwood Times, The Trader, Greenfuse, and the North Coast Journal for providing free, reliable and conveniently located kindling and packing materials.
I’m thankful to drone pilots for providing me with a great name for my next album of didgeridoo music.
I’m thankful that some people can still read, and especially for those of you who read this blog.