It’s Election Day!
Don’t forget to Vote
Voting, generally a futile exercise, will be exceptionally meaningless this Election Day because we have nothing to vote on. We have no bond measures, all of the school board positions were unopposed, no referendums, no ballot initiatives, no candidates of any kind. We’ll have no secret ballots, no poll workers to chat with, no “I Voted” stickers, no running into neighbors you haven’t seen all year, no waiting up for late to hear the election results.
On the other hand, my recycling bin isn’t full of glossy campaign literature. The landscape hasn’t been overrun with political signage, and I haven’t heard a single attack ad. Maybe an Election Day without an election isn’t so bad after all.
Still, I need the exercise. So, I thought I might make up my own ballot and vote on some issues that really matter to me. Since I usually vote “absentee” anyway, I just dropped my ballot in the mailbox addressed to the Humboldt County Board of Elections care of Humboldt County Clerk and Registrar of Voters, Caroline Crnich.
First, a few Humboldt County issues:
Vote YES….I strongly favor a resolution, instructing that funds from the the County General Fund be budgeted immediately to purchase a much needed vowel. The county shall then instruct the County Clerk to insert the newly purchased vowel into her last name in a way that renders her last name, “Crnich”, pronounceable, by a 2/3 super-majority of Humboldt County voters.
Vote NO….On a new county ordinance prohibiting the siting of a school, park or playground within 1000 yards of a marijuana dispensary, or commercial growing operation. Children caught playing, loitering or learning within these boundaries, face harsh new penalties including a fine of no less than $500 and will be remanded to the custody of Humboldt County Child Protective Services. I encourage everyone to vote no on this. I know kids can be a real pain in the ass, and I sure don’t want them around my place, but this approach is not the answer.
Vote YES…On the bond measure to establish, and fund, from a one dollar per plant tax on commercial marijuana growers, a council of five individuals, elected by the people of Humboldt County to serve as Humboldt County’s official Council of Cool People. The Council of Cool People will be entrusted with authority to approve or reject names of new local marijuana strains. It is hoped that through the formation of this council, the county can save us the embarrassment of having our number-one economic export bear trade-names like “Green Crack” or “Sour Pussy”.
Now on to the California State ballot measures:
Vote YES… On a state initiative to address California’s debt crisis by renaming the state Calvin Foreman, and moving it to Mexico.
Vote NO…On a referendum to accept or reject an offer from McDonalds Corporation to rename The Golden Gate Bridge for a fee of $375 million dollars, and the ongoing cost of the upkeep of the bridge. McDonalds proposes changing the name of The Golden Gate Bridge to, you guessed it, The Golden Arches.
Vote YES…On an initiative to legalize ALL medical and recreational drugs. If this initiative passes, all commercially available drugs will be available for legal sale to any adult over the age of 21. This will include pharmaceuticals, herbal supplements, plant medicines and mushrooms, as well as new designer drugs with no known medical uses. If this law passes you will be able to purchase any drug, from Angel Dust to Zoloft, with or without a doctors recommendation, legally, so long as you can show a photo ID that proves you are of age.
The initiative includes a “Mandatory Minimum” for marijuana. That is, a minimum amount of marijuana that you must carry at all times. If you get pulled over for speeding, say, and you don’t have any marijuana in the car, not only will the cop give you a ticket, he will also give you some pot as well. Face it, if you were speeding, and you just got hassled by the cops, you probably really need to smoke a joint.
Also, a lot of really boring people like to talk a lot. They should be obligated to smoke you out if you are going to have to listen to them. If this initiative passes, they will be forced to carry some weed with them, and if they don’t have any, you can call the cops on them.
I wholeheartedly endorse this initiative. I cannot tell you how long I’ve dreamed of having the opportunity to buy dangerous, addictive drugs in a safe, legal environment, brightly lit, with perky sales clerks and weekly specials.
Am I the only middle-aged guy who still likes to drop acid once in a while, or occasionally feels nostalgic for the drugs of my youth, like Quaaludes and PCP, but has no idea where to find these things anymore. I want to see signs on Main St. that say “Drug Emporium” or “Phil’s Pharmacy of Fun”. This initiative can make it happen. So please vote YES on this measure.
I encourage everyone to get out and vote this Election Day. I think the low turnout just might be a blessing. Maybe we can pass some bold new legislation this time, and democracy will work, for a change.