SoHum Town Attempts Bold Makeover
Gargleville Merchants to Hold Auditions for Classier Townsfolk
In an effort to spruce up the image of the small rural Northern California town, the Gargleville Chamber of Commerce has decided to hire a completely new set of townspeople and shoppers.
“We were really sick of all of the skuzzy dirty hippies hanging around Gargleville.” Lake Blamin of the Gargleville Chamber of Commerce said this morning in a press conference at the Gargleville Chamber today.
“They’re missing teeth, have terrible complexions, smell bad and they’re disheveled. That’s not the image that we want to project. We’d really like to cash in on what’s happening in Wine Country, and we’d like that upscale clientele to feel more at home here.”
Blamin continued, “So, we’ve decided to hire people to pose as shoppers, park patrons and restaurant goers in Gargleville. Each day they will have to pass inspection before they report to work. They will have to be clean, dress fashionably and smell nice. They will spread out through the town, posing as urban professionals,
well-to-do retired people,
and college students.
The kind of people we’d all like to see shopping in our stores, eating at our restaurants and enjoying our parks.
This town employs very few professionals, has no college, and our old people look grizzled and haggard. We realized that Gargleville would never live up to our dreams unless we took drastic action.”
Blamin explained, “So, now we will pay 200 actors to play the parts. We’ll give them a clothing allowance, comp their meals, and provide a nice lounge with restrooms and showers. Because, you can’t expect someone to spend all day in town without letting them use the restroom. Also, it’s often very hot or very rainy in Gargleville, and we want them to look their best.”
Won’t that get expensive for a small rural town with a remote location, few employment opportunities and all the charm of a suburban strip mall?
Blamin responds, “Look, half of the residents of Gargleville subsist on Social Security, SSI or veteran’s benefits. They don’t bring in the big piles of cash that have made our registers ring for the past 25 years. We’ve grown accustomed to having large quantities of untraceable cash dumped in our laps by the marijuana industry thriving in the hills from Blocksburg to Whale Gulch.
Now, we take those piles of $100 bills for granted, but we’ve never liked the people we take them from, especially the people who bring the money into this area. These lowlife, dirt-wad street and mid-level pot dealers often hang around town for days or weeks before they work out a deal. And in general, an underground drug based economy attracts problems like addiction, exploitation and lawlessness. But that’s not my problem.”
Isn’t Gargleville already pretty crowded?
Blamin explained, “From now on all traffic coming towards Gargleville on Bedwood Drive will feed directly onto 101 North. That way, all the traffic from Bedway and points West, and Boulder Point and points East get funneled North to Eureka. Chamber of Commerce Police Officers stationed on 101 at Leggett will direct all Northbound: hippie buses, dusty pickup trucks, vans, old RVs and cars with bumper stickers to use Usal Road. Officers at Salmon Creek will direct the same miscreants through Honeydew. This way we can enjoy the benefits of a thriving underground industry without inviting it in through the front door.”
How will Gargleville merchants continue to benefit from the underground industry if you divert all of their business to Eureka?
Blamin is optimistic, “For years Gargleville merchants have charged more money for less goods and services than anyone in the area. Considering that history, I don’t think it will be difficult to make them hand us piles of cash, and in return, we’ll give them nothing at all. That’s the next logical step really. And this way, we won’t even have to look at them.”