Why Do You Think They Call It In-Vestment?
As we move into Spring, once again our attention returns to breasts. While breasts drives economic activity throughout the year, by about Memorial Day each Spring, we get to see how our favorite breasts have been effected by the cold weather. We also eagerly examine the robust growth of fresh new breasts that have just matured over the winter. So, as we take stock of our breast resources, I think it behooves us to consider breast futures carefully.
Whether you inherited them from family, or acquired them in a merger, you’ll find few investments more satisfying. I think everyone should be involved with breasts in one way or another because breasts offer endless opportunities for both long and short term gain. If you inherited breasts, hold on to them. If you can find a pair you like, stick with them. These long term investments pay great dividends.
In the short term, a few savvy investors have built multimillion dollar empires around a single pair of breasts. Such powerful breasts rarely occur naturally and routinely require tens of thousands of dollars to produce and promote. The payout on this investment can vary widely, with a substantial downside risk, but quick turnaround means that those breasts will reap most of their profits in the first ten years on the market.
While “flipping” breasts, that is, speculating on breasts by holding them a short while then dumping them when the opportunity to upgrade arises, can be profitable in “bubble” years (15-25), this strategy proves very expensive over the long term.
While breasts come in an astounding variety of shapes, sizes and colors, they all serve the same function, and they all make good investments. While large breasts tend to attract the most attention, possibly because you can see them from farther away, they have drawbacks, which time tends to magnify. Over the long term, large breasts display substantial Nipple Altitude Drop (NAD) over decades. In very large breasts, NAD factors of over a foot are not uncommon. In smaller breasts NAD is barely perceptible. The accessibility of small breasts, which do not require bulky, restrictive harnesses, also make them an attractive investment, so don’t overlook them.
Global Threats to Breasts.
Since most, if not all Americans hold substantial interest in breasts, it seems that we would as a nation, seek to protect this investment and valuable natural resource. Apparently not however, as our nation continues to ignore a real, looming and growing threat to breasts around the world. I’m talking about breast cancer. So, what causes breast cancer, and why do far more women get it now than in the past?
In the late ’80s, scientists working on that very question made a remarkable discovery. In their experiments, they had healthy tissue cultures growing in petri dishes. They would then expose these cultures to various substances to see if they caused the culture to get cancer. After quite a few tests, they noticed that every substance they tested seemed to cause cancer. Even their control group developed cancer at a significantly elevated rate. This made them suspicious.
So, they tried growing some cultures in old fashioned glass petri dishes and some in the new, ubiquitously used, plastic petri dishes. They discovered that plastic petri dishes caused cancer. This led to the discovery that even very stable plastics, like polycarbonate and especially PVC, leach persistent toxic chemicals into their surroundings, and that these chemicals cause cancer and birth defects at extremely low doses. These fat soluble toxins concentrate in breast tissue where they have been closely linked to breast cancer.
Meanwhile, the majority of cancer research focuses on finding a cure for cancer. The cure often starts with breast removal. If the producers of industrial plastics had to compensate breast-holders for investment losses due to cancer, you can bet we’d see a change in the way giant chemical companies do business. Instead, these same companies form medical divisions which make medical devices and treatments (and petri dishes) out of the same toxic, carcinogenic materials.
Under the current legal framework, breast-holders are lucky to escape breast cancer with their lives. On the other hand, corporations like Dow and Dupont reap windfall profits by selling carcinogenic medical equipment to people with cancer, while they suck up government grants and charitable donations to research new “cures”. Meanwhile they continue to fill the world with cheap, carcinogenic, plastic crap.
When you look at it that way, you might think it wise to dump your breasts, and buy shares of Dupont. Before you do that, think about how those stock certificates will look, bouncing up and down in a sports bra on a sunny spring day. That’s why the smart money holds on to those breasts firmly.
There’s some investment advice that’s On The Money.