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Halloween Spider Spectacular

Halloween Spider Spectacular

 

I love spiders. I have hundreds of pictures of them. We have a lot spiders here in SoHum. They inhabit these woods and our home in great abundance and variety. I find them endlessly fascinating and very much enjoy their company. They make great subjects for photography. Unlike most wild animals, they tend to sit still, which makes the job a lot easier.

I have a lot of respect for spiders. They’ve “seen” a lot on this here rock. According to archeologists, spiders’ ancient ancestors were among the first sea animals to venture onto dry land, and they colonized it aggressively. 200 million years ago, 50 millions years before the first insects, flying or otherwise, most of the major spider families of modern times, had already achieved worldwide distribution.

God only knows what they ate for those first 50 million years or so, but clearly, spiders have remarkable survival skills. For 150 million years they have adapted to everything that nature has thrown at them, including us, and they continue to flourish. Even as we instigate cataclysmic changes in our environment, triggering a massive wave of extinction around the globe, perhaps including our own, spiders seem to mostly take it all in stride.

Those who call human beings the dominant species on the planet, should consider this: Spiders outnumber us, all together they outweigh us, and they will almost certainly outlast us. In their long history on this planet, the rise and fall of humanity will amount to nothing but a brief, insignificant memory to them, like a TV show that lasted only one season, or a long evening spent with a rude dinner companion.

In our unholy quest to transform all of creation to our own purposes, we have never found a way to exploit spiders for commercial purposes, nor have we ever successfully weaponized spiders. Despite their large numbers and close proximity, they don’t compete with us for anything. They carry on all around us, unnoticed, mostly unstudied, and completely undaunted, patiently awaiting the day when they will, inevitably, bury us in cobwebs like they did the dinosaurs, the wooly mammoth and the saber-toothed tiger.

I used the word “seen” in quotes earlier, because most spiders have very poor vision. Spiders gather most of their sensory information from the extremely sensitive hairs on their legs and bodies. These hairs can detect very subtle air movements and vibrations. Web spiders also “see” with their webs, using their legs to sense every ripple and wave that passes through it.

While most of the creatures in the animal kingdom now take stereoscopic vision for granted, most spiders have a very different, and much more rudimentary visual system. Most spiders have an array of eight or more somewhat directionally focused eyes. However, these tiny eyes, in most cases, probably don’t send enough information to produce a meaningful image. They can probably tell, for instance, that it is darker to their left, than to their right, but little more.

Because of this unusual visual system spider faces seem especially alien to us. I think this may have a lot to do with our attitude towards them. Even insects, with their single pair of large compound eyes, seem more like us, than spiders. While many people dislike annoying flies, few people fear them. On the other hand, spiders rarely annoy anyone, but many people fear them. While many flying insects actively seek us out and bite us, leaving painful, itchy welts, spiders only bite in self defense, and even then, only rarely.

A few spiders see very well, with stereoscopic vision, and use it to navigate their world, and hunt prey. Both wolf spiders and jumping spiders respond primarily to visual stimuli, and they both have especially large eyes, for spiders. Neither wolf spiders, nor jumping spiders content themselves to spin webs and wait for whatever comes along. In stead these spiders go out into the world, with big bright, sharply focused eyes, looking for fun and adventure.

Wolf Spider

With a large pair of front facing eyes, jumping spiders have especially endearing faces. Most jumping spiders stay quite small, but here in SoHum, I have seen some fairly large ones, at least big enough to photograph.

The spiders I find most endearing, however, are the ones I know most intimately, and I know them so intimately because they have lived with us for so long, and in such great numbers. “Daddy Long-Legs” spiders (Pholcus Phalangiodes) make cheerful easy going housemates, even if they do leave their webs and food remains all over the house.

They have a reputation for cannibalism, but I’ve never seen it. Quite the contrary. These spiders seem extremely tolerant of each other, and unlike most spiders, spend a lot of time in close proximity to each other, sharing the same web. I’ve often seen large pholcids steal food from smaller ones, but I’ve never seen a large pholcid attack a small one. I’ve seen them eat other spiders, including wolf spiders at least as large as themselves, but never each other.

Large and small pholcids happily share the same web, stepping over and around each other without hostility or fear. I’ve even seen two pholcids work together to “rope” a large fly snared in their shared web. The fly would have doubtless have struggled free from either of them, but working together they were able to subdue it. The two spiders then shared their meal.

I’ve watched them quite a bit, and for a year or so, I kept a journal of their daily lives and development. I gave them names like “Charlotte” “Wilbur” and “Templeton” and followed them from early adolescence, through several molts, to adulthood, mating and parenthood.

Pholcids love tenderly, and spend a lot of time “holding hands” with their chosen partner before mating. While male and female pholcids look identical to the naked eye for most of their lives, a mature and receptive female puts on a spectacular outfit to accentuate her femininity. She will invariably attract a mature male, perhaps a few, and she will eventually decide between them.

Female, in her sexy mating outfit, on right.

Then the couple will spend several days, up to two weeks or more, hanging out very close together in this “hand holding” phase. I’ve never seen pholcids mate. I think they do it in the dead of night while we are asleep, but soon, the female will have an egg sack clutched I her jaws. I have however, caught other species of spider in the act, I don’t think I’ll lose my wordpress account for posting hard-core spider-porn here.

Some would argue that these tiny invertebrates, lack any capacity for caring or emotion, but I disagree. One of these two young lovers got pinched in a window screen and died from the injury. It’s partner stayed with the dead spider for almost a week afterward. Yes, I believe that spiders love, and mourn.

Pholcid mothers devote themselves completely to raising their offspring. Once a pholcid mother has an egg sac in her jaws, she will not eat again until the young spiderlings have grown up and moved out.  It takes several weeks for the eggs to incubate and hatch, and the young spiderlings stay with their mother for at least two more weeks, until their first molt.

Mama Pholcid with newly hatched spiderlings

After they molt, the young spiders strike out on their own, leaving their mother, in her web, surrounded by dozens of tiny, recently shed, exoskeletons. Female pholcids can raise more than one brood of spiderlings. Occasionally, I’ll find a mother pholcid with an egg sac, surrounded by the exoskeletons of her previous brood. I guess I should dust more.

I hope you enjoyed the Halloween Spider Spectacular. Happy Halloween!

Mama pholcid with babies just about ready to move out

 

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I Share My Collection of Homerotic Photography

I Share My Collection of Homerotic Photography

I’m not gay, but I do enjoy collecting homerotic photography. Robert Maplethorpe’s work in the 80′s really opened my eyes to the artistic potential of sexually explicit photography, but I did not start collecting homerotic photography myself, until last year. While auditioning photos for this blog I occasionally come across really inspiring homerotic images which I simply must have.

While you won’t find any Maplethorpes in my collection, or any of my own work, for that matter, the collection reflects my taste and artistic sensibility, so I’m proud of it, nonetheless. I haven’t shared my collection of homerotic photography here at this blog because this is a family blog.  I realize that that many people find sexually explicit, homerotic imagery offensive, but I like to share.

I’ve created a new blog specifically for my prized collection of homerotic photographs, called The Journal of Homerotic Photography at www.journalofhomeroticphotography.wordpress.com I encourage every adult, and no one under 18, to visit my collection and see for yourself.

Warning!!!! site contains sexually explicit photographs, duh!

 

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This Blog Celebrates its First Birthday

This Blog Celebrates its First Birthday

 

Almost exactly one year ago, May 20 2011, I posted a few short essays and a poem here at www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com. One year, 185 essays and over 170,000 page views later, I still don’t know what I’m doing here, but now, every minute of every day, over 1,000 times a day, someone visits this blog looking for something.

185 essays in one year! Can you believe it? That’s one every other day. That seems a bit excessive to me. Don’t I have something else to do with my life? Apparently not.

It’s not like this stuff just appears out of thin air. No, there has to be a lot of marijuana smoke in the air for this stuff to appear. That means I spend a lot of time smoking marijuana and staring at a blank sheet of paper, before I remember that I’m supposed to be writing something, and even longer before I remember what on Earth I am supposed to write about. Speaking of which…

What am I supposed to write about? My remote off-the-grid lifestyle imposes some limitations on my subject matter. With no internet connection or phone, I don’t exactly have a world of information at my fingertips, so I don’t write about anything that requires research. I stick to what I know, make up, or hear on the radio. Since I really don’t know that much, and the radio doesn’t give me a whole lot to work with, I rely on my imagination quite a bit. I have a much more interesting life in my imagination, and it gives me plenty to write about. It is where I prefer to spend my time

Still I try to write about stuff that normal people can relate to. Hence the recurring themes of sex, junk food, and economic oppression. I suppose there is more to life than sex, junk food and economic oppression. I just can’t think of anything else right now.

I know some people like to make a big deal out of politics and sports, but they don’t mean anything, change anything, or make any difference in anyone’s life, except for the worse. No, sports and politics just distracts us from the fact that all we have to look forward to in life is sex, junk food, and economic oppression.

So, basically, the way I see it, if you are not getting laid, your life pretty much sucks, but even if you are getting laid, junk food and economic oppression can still get you down, if you don’t find a way to laugh at it. Which is why we are all here, right?

I mean you’re not here because you want your penis tattooed, or because you are looking for a prostitute, or want to see a good image of necrophilia, are you?

 

You are?

Really?

All of you?

Oh well. Here’s to a solid year of online masturbation at http://www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 23, 2012 in blogging, Humor, marijuana

 

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Mother’s Day Reconsidered

Mother’s Day Reconsidered

 

Don’t you think, that for a planet with over 7 billion people on it, a day to celebrate motherhood is just a little out of date. Don’t we really need a day to celebrate child-free women? Shouldn’t they be the ones to get the praise and appreciation, and tax breaks, and WWIC (Women Without Infants or Children) food aid, and housing vouchers, so they can afford their own apartment without shacking up with some jerk who will inevitably knock them up? I mean, I don’t want to condemn the selfish, irresponsible, dimwits who have the nerve to reproduce in the face of global ecosystem collapse. I just think that, women especially, who choose not to reproduce, deserve special gratitude from society as a whole.

First off, all manner of birth control should be made available to them, free of charge, paid for by a tax on disposable diapers. Abortion should be subsidized, and available free of charge, on demand, up to the 12th trimester. That way, women could have a baby, you know, to have that “mothering” experience, but when the the kid is two and she gets sick of it, she can ditch it with no hassle.

Second, if a child-free woman wants to smoke a cigarette, parents should have to take their kids elsewhere if they want to protect them from second-hand smoke. Same for cussing, drug use, nudity, and public displays of affection and sexuality. Just get your fucking kids the hell out of there and don’t give anybody a hard time about it.

Third, restaurants, airlines, public buildings, and hotels, if they allow children at all, should confine families with small children to a dank, stuffy, soundproof section painted in primary colors and littered with disease ridden toys, while the rest of us enjoy our meals, flights, court dates and overnight stays without the unnecessary disturbance.

Fourth, we need a new holiday to celebrate child-free women. This should be a hell of a lot more fun than Mother’s Day. Forget the sappy cards, flowers, and champagne brunch. Instead, we celebrate everything a child-free woman can do, that would otherwise get her labeled an unfit mother. It’ll be like Mardi-Gras with condoms instead of beads.

Fifth, child-free free women deserve more recognition for the contribution they make in the workplace. Child-free women should get paid time-off to travel, take up skydiving or just party. We’ll call it non-maternity leave. Any woman who works at a job for 5yrs, without having a baby, should get it.

Finally, remember the words of Frank Zappa: “If your kids ever realize how lame you are, they will murder you in your sleep.” Your kids have good reasons to hate you. From the degraded planet we leave them to the dysfunctional culture we inflict on them, they are pretty well fucked. So, whatever your kids do to you, just know that you’ve got it coming. Unfortunately, they’ll probably just take out their resentments on their own kids, because they’ll grow up every bit as dumb and cruel as their parents.

Child-free women on the other hand, deserve the best of what’s left of what life has to offer. Its time we recognized them for their wisdom, compassion for the earth, and for just how hot they are.

 

 
 

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New Year’s Resolutions I Can Keep

Some New Year’s Resolutions I Can Keep, for a Change.

This year, in an effort to conserve what remains of my self-esteem, I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions that I know I can keep. That way, when I look back on 2012, I can avoid the self-loathing, despair, and feelings of inadequacy that come from failing to live up to my own expectations. Here’s a few of the ways I intend to lower the bar on my own achievement goals in the coming year.

 

I John Hardin do hereby resolve this New Year’s Eve 2011, that in the coming year…

 I will not smoke marijuana while brushing my teeth.

I will not have my penis tattooed.

I will not have sex with a penguin, or dare I say it, any waterfowl. Chickens aren’t waterfowl,right?

I will not get breast implants.

I will not masturbate at funerals, no matter how sexy the deceased.

I will not ax-murder any Indonesian taxi drivers.

I will not perform open heart surgery without washing my hands first.

I will not join any church that requires a “Baptism in Blood”.

I will not wrestle alligators while bungee jumping.

I will not say, “Mmm, tastes like chicken” during oral sex.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on January 3, 2012 in Humor, marijuana, time

 

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Hello Necrophiliacs!

Greetings Necrophiliacs!

A very hearty welcome, and warm greetings, to all of the necrophiliacs who have recently discovered this blog. Its exciting to have so many readers after just a few months of blogging, and I’m very glad that my work resonates with this new demographic.

 

In the last two weeks an unusually high number of people found this blog through “Google” searches. Specifically, a lot of people searched for: morgue+sex, sex+in+the+morgue, corpse+sex, corpse+sex+morgue, hot+sex+cold+corpse in various combinations. This led them to my recent piece “How to Survive the Heat Dome”

 

While “How to Survive the Heat Dome” did include the words “hot sex” “oral sex” “morgue” and “corpse” in the same 300 word essay, I did not suggest, endorse, recommend or in any way condone (wink, wink) sex with dead people. However, regular readership, that is, people who check this home page daily, has picked up dramatically ever since. I cannot help but conclude that necrophiliacs really dig this blog.

Personally, I have never had sex with a dead person, except maybe once, when I was very young and very drunk. I do not endorse, recommend, suggest or condone sex with dead people, but I’m sure its very nice, if that’s what you are into. I’m very glad to have new readers, and I hope you’ll check back often.

P.S. I personally “Google” searched: sexy+corpse, corpse+love and necrophilia, looking for pictures to go with this piece. This blog came up each time.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on August 9, 2011 in farce, Humor, necrophilia, Satire

 

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