Some New Year’s Resolutions I Can Keep, for a Change.
This year, in an effort to conserve what remains of my self-esteem, I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions that I know I can keep. That way, when I look back on 2012, I can avoid the self-loathing, despair, and feelings of inadequacy that come from failing to live up to my own expectations. Here’s a few of the ways I intend to lower the bar on my own achievement goals in the coming year.
I John Hardin do hereby resolve this New Year’s Eve 2011, that in the coming year…
I will not smoke marijuana while brushing my teeth.
I will not have my penis tattooed.
I will not have sex with a penguin, or dare I say it, any waterfowl. Chickens aren’t waterfowl,right?
I will not get breast implants.
I will not masturbate at funerals, no matter how sexy the deceased.
I will not ax-murder any Indonesian taxi drivers.
I will not perform open heart surgery without washing my hands first.
I will not join any church that requires a “Baptism in Blood”.
I will not wrestle alligators while bungee jumping.
I will not say, “Mmm, tastes like chicken” during oral sex.
