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Humboldt’s Wildlife Gem: The Samoa Boatramp County Park

Humboldt’s Wildlife Gem: The Samoa Boatramp County Park

Just down from the pulp mill, and across the street from the Samoa Drag Strip, you’ll find one of Humboldt County’s most unique camping experiences. While not exactly scenic, and often shrouded in fog, the Samoa Boat Ramp Campground offers exceptional wildlife viewing opportunities.

Besides supporting the largest population of rabid foxes anywhere in the county, You’ll invariably spot migratory Hippies,

Scarlet-throated ATV Nuts,

and Hermit Campers (Veteran Post-traumaticus)

making a stop-over at The Samoa Boat Ramp. You’ll also see whole families of Car-dwelling Crackers

who stop here to take advantage of the best coin operated showers anywhere in the county. But, the real attraction of that rectangular slab of asphalt on the edge of the spit, happens just west of the parking lot. On these dunes, you will find the preferred breeding grounds of the North Coast Tweaker.

In ratty little dome tents, all along the west edge of the parking lot, newly paired Tweaker couples conceive their young. They return, year after year, to teach their children to tweak, in the same nest sites where they first learned to tweak themselves, just a few short years ago.

Observing these night active creatures means staying up very late at night. Many find that a little methamphetamine makes it much easier to stay awake late enough to observe the Tweaker’s unusual mating and child-rearing behavior. Generally, you can find a vender on site.

Once the Tweakers have set up camp, the male Tweaker begins his courtship by building a campfire. Tweakers start their campfires with broken up pallet wood and some form of chemical accelerant. To this, each Tweaker adds a collection of materials he has gathered during the day. This will include, household garbage, laminated countertops, vinyl siding, automotive floor mats, foam mattresses, cigarette butts, and broken pieces of particleboard furniture.

The Tweaker uses this fire, and the thick cloud of black smoke emanating from it, to establish his territory, driving any other creature that breathes, running for cover. The Tweaker also brings dogs, usually pit-bulls to help establish his territory. The pit-bulls bark at neighboring Tweaker’s dogs, and the neighboring Tweaker’s dogs bark back. Each Tweaker then smacks his own dogs, and screams at them for barking, in a display of violence meant to intimidate the neighboring Tweaker.

This yelling barking and smacking ritual goes on for hours, punctuated by the hoarse screeches of toothless Tweaker hags. Copulation usually occurs in the dome tents or coin-operated showers, and hags deliver their tweaklets in 5-7 months. Young tweaklets imitate their parents in play, by yelling at and smacking each other incessantly. By age 15 most acquire their own ratty tent and establish or join neighboring Tweaker camps, to begin the Tweaker life cycle anew.

While not exactly an endangered species, Tweakers’ often bizarre behavior draws wildlife enthusiasts from all over America to the Samoa Dunes Recreation Area for the rare chance to observe them in their natural habitat.

 

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New College Courses HSU should Offer

New College Courses HSU Should Offer

Since Humboldt State University has dropped its nursing program, perhaps the only program HSU offers in which students can confidently expect to find good paying jobs after graduation, they really should offer these courses to better prepare the rest of HSU’s students for the challenges of the real world:

 

Espresso Machine Operation and Maintenance All liberal arts students should know at least the basics of how to use and maintain the tools of the trade.

 

Educational Economic Strategy Default or defer? How to handle your student loans. You got to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em. Know when to take the installment plan and know when to change your name and move to another state.

 

Consumer Choice Adviser Training Course analyzes the economic and ecological impacts of the difference between paper or plastic shopping bags, as well as advice on when to shut up about it, when you ask: “Paper or plastic?” a question you will ask many times in your career.

 

Techonomics Understanding why Mark Zuckerburg made 10 billion from Facebook, and Rupert Murdoch lost 500 million on myspace, even though no one pays a cent for either service, but more importantly, why you will mostly spend money online rather than make it.

 

Immediate Architecture Learn to construct a comfortable livable space from a refrigerator box or a few yards of plastic sheeting. This is architecture to serve your immediate needs. At least something in your college education should.

ROTCPTSD Sure, joining the military gave you the money for college, but PTSD sure makes it hard to study, doesn’t it? Taking this class about a dozen times just might help the world start to make sense again.

 

Cannabis Cultivation This class should be part of the core curriculum for all majors since, regardless of major, most HSU student eventually find jobs in this field.

 

Exotic Dance While the few remaining ballet troupes in the U.S. struggle to sell enough tickets to survive, thousands of exotic dance clubs in every state in the union offer well paying jobs to qualified exotic dancers.

 

Inter-generational Conflict Management This course will give you the tools you need to get along with your parents well enough that you can tolerate living under the same roof until they croak.

 

With the addition of these few courses, HSU could dramatically improve the chances of survival and prosperity in the real world, for their remaining students.

 

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