Nice Rifle!

Nice Rifle!

 

“Sig Zauer”, That’s a name I haven’t heard in connection with a mass killing before, but I’m not sure he even fired it. That Bushmaster .225 AR15, on the other hand, sounds like a great gun. The media repeatedly reminded me that the Bushmaster .225 AR15 is very light. That’s important, especially if you plan on shooting a lot of people. You don’t want your arm to get too tired. You still need to be able to hold a handgun to your own head when you’re done.

The media also offers a couple other glowing endorsements of the Bushmaster .225. Apparently the DC Sniper also chose the Bushmaster .225 AR15. Of all of the mass shooters in recent memory, the DC Sniper really seemed to be the best shot. I think that guy knew a thing or two about guns. Also, the NYC police swat team carries Bushmaster .225 AR15s. Those guys are real professionals. Even the director of the Federal ATF spoke of the Bushmaster .225 AR15 in glowing terms.

Personally, everything I know about guns comes from the media reports following mass shootings. The Glock 9mm seems to be a popular handgun among America’s unstable youth, but that could be just a fad. This Bushmaster .225 AR15, however, sounds like a real high-quality rifle, I might need to get me one. I’m sure they cost a bit. Connecticut rich kids don’t skimp on stuff like that. I can imagine the cops arriving on the scene, surrounded by blood and dead bodies, going “Whoa, …nice rifle.”

Clearly the Bushmaster .225 AR15 is capable of firing lots of ammunition without jamming. Apparently in an Oregon mass shooting, another Bushmaster .225 AR15 jammed, mid-spree. That couldn’t have been very good for sales. Fortunately, the low body count in the Oregon shooting prevented it from generating too much bad publicity for Bushmaster, but the most recent Connecticut school shooting insures that this will be a very merry X-mas indeed for gun dealers across America.

You can’t buy that kind of advertizing. …Or can you? Why do they tell us this stuff? Now there’s talk of new gun control legislation. That’ll sell more guns for sure. I’m not crazy about gun control laws unless they involve disarming the police and military. I don’t think you can stop mass killings in America with gun control, any more than you can stop employee suicide at the Foxcom factory in China by locking the door to the roof.

The term “Running Amok” comes from a phenomena that became epidemic in India during the British occupation. In that overpopulated country, under a particularly oppressive colonial occupation, young men would go mad, slashing wildly at anyone around them, with knives, as they ran through crowded streets. The fact that here in the US, it’s mostly privileged, white, middle-class kids who run amok, should tell you just how sick our dominant culture has become.

 

As appealing as it appears from the outside, the middle-class lifestyle is not very satisfying, quite the opposite, in fact. Economic pressures insure that considerable resources get devoted towards keeping the affluent in a state of want. Corporations exploit every human weakness they can find, to use against them, and many among the middle-class are quite weak. Fifty-plus hour work-weeks, mortgage stress and media programming all work to weaken them further.

As a result, most middle-class people are really fucking lame.

As the middle-class gets lamer and lamer, it gets harder and harder to prevent their kids from realizing how lame their parents, their community, and this society really are.

Turns out that Frank Zappa wasn’t kidding when he said “If your kids ever figure out how lame you are, they will murder you in your sleep.”

Whippit Good

Whippit Good!

 

This morning I saw another pile of spent nitrous oxide cartridges alongside the roadway. Personally, I love whippits as much as anyone. Some of my most memorable drug experiences involve NO2. I saw God once when I inhaled a deep breath of NO2 while peaking on a strong acid trip.

 

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I make no secret of my enthusiasm for recreational drugs. I feel that drug use has been in the closet for far too long. It is time that this society learned to accept, tolerate, and celebrate, its drug abusers, and to make that happen, we need to come out of the closet.

 

Americans need to know that the people who prepare their food, fix their automobiles, and drive their kids to and from school, all take recreational drugs. The doctor who did your bypass surgery, the air traffic controllers who guided your flight, and the President of the United States… all stoned out of their minds. It’s time you knew, and its time we all stopped trying to hide it from you.

 

If major cities can subsidize massive sports arenas to encourage drunken hooliganism among sports fans, just imagine what they could do for drug users if we had social acceptance, big bucks and a few good lobbyists. Every American city could have a black light district where throbbing techno music and screaming electric guitars wail 24-7-365, beneath UV street lights. Someplace where even the poorest, dirtiest, hippie can pick up a sack of free, government subsidized, ganja buds, grown in prisons by former bankers, politicians, and real estate bloodsuckers trying to rehabilitate themselves.

 

Cities could take as much pride in their chemists, dealers and growers as they do in their sports teams, local delicacies or festivals. Yes, drug users deserve at least as much respect as sports fans, fat people, or festival fools, and we deserve to have businesspeople bribing government agencies to make our wildest chemical fantasies, real.

 

After all, drug users have money. Otherwise, they couldn’t afford to buy drugs. We all know that in this country, if you have money, people have to kiss your ass, no matter how evil you are. If I have to live in a country where we systematically reward greed and subsidize evil, I want drugs, lots of them, and plenty of time to enjoy them, and make it snappy!

 

I firmly believe in this dream, and have worked my whole life to make this dream a reality, mainly by getting high, and being stoned in public whenever possible. Whether I’m at work, in church, or behind the wheel, you can bet that I’m good and stoned, and when I’m stoned, I recognize that I am an ambassador for stoned people everywhere.

 

I realize that some of the people around me might not take drugs. They might not have spent much time around stoned people, or at least don’t realize how stoned the people around them really are. I want to make a good impression on these people. I try to set a good example for stoned people. I want them to see stoned people as responsible, caring, self-motivated people. I can only keep up the charade for a while, but I do my best.

 

As stoned people, we have a lot of propaganda to overcome. For generations, the media has portrayed drug users as either lazy, stupid, irresponsible slackers, or crazed psychopathic killers. Drug users suffer tremendously from the prejudice these stereotypes create and reinforce. Worse even than the stereotypes themselves, is the pervasive attitude that drug use, and drug users should not be tolerated in society.

 

Look at how the media portrays sports fans. The media generally portray sports fans as affable morons. We expect them to drink at least a six-pack a day. We expect them to be stupid, and easily enraged. We expect them to beat their wives when their team loses the Superbowl, and we expect them to riot in the streets when their team wins the Superbowl, but by and large, they are nice, likable people. That’s how the media portrays sports fans.

 

As a result, we tolerate sports fans, we celebrate them, and we make substantial allowances for their eccentricities. If this country can embrace, celebrate, and subsidize people who admire adults who play with balls, this country can embrace, celebrate and subsidize its recreational drug users, but first we have to overcome this learned prejudice.

 

Because of all of the media conditioning, when people see a pile of empty beer bottles alongside the roadway, they think: “Oh, those affable sports fans, they’re just too stupid to know any better. That’s why we have volunteers who remove roadside litter.”

 

…but when they see big pile of spent NO2 cartridges laying on the road, they think: “Those goddamn drug abusers. They have no respect, no sense of decency, and all they care about is their next fix. That’s why we have prisons.”

 

So look, you kids who leave your spent whippit cartridges all over the roadside, I know whippets aren’t illegal, and you are still a kid, even if not an actual juvenile. I also know that whippets are hella fun, if you are careful.

I want you to have fun, and I want you to be careful, because I want all of your drug experiences to be injury, fatality, and arrest free, but mainly, I WANT YOU TO STOP DITCHING YOUR FUCKING NO2 CARTRIDGES ALL OVER THE FUCKING ROADS.

 

Those piles of cartridges make all drug abusers look bad. They set stoned/straight relations back at least a decade. I know its just good clean fun, but they look as bad as used needles.

Recycle them. Put them in the receptacle for “cans”, or barring that, the trash. If you are really into NO2, get one of those big 84 cu ft refillable tanks, put down the $150 or so deposit, and just buy the gas.

 

Those tanks hold a lot of NO2, enough to give you and all of your friends a few splitting headaches, with plenty to spare. So, share! That way, fewer people will have to buy those wasteful one shot cartridges, and you get your money back when you return the tank.

 

Please work with me on this. Let’s stop trashing the countryside with our spent whippit cartridges. Join the campaign to:

 

Just Say NO 2 NO2 Litter.

 

…And once in your life, preferably while you are still young, and your arteries are still flexible, sit down, take a great big deep breath of NO2, and hold it, while you are peaking on a strong LSD trip. It’s kinda like bungie jumping in reverse. Don’t forget to sit down first. Have fun kids.

On The Money, The Medical Model v Prohibition

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Working Class

The Medical Model vs Prohibition

 

I love marijuana. I think it’s a marvelous plant. I love smoking it, and I hate that it is still illegal. I’ve been involved with marijuana activism since the late 80′s. A picture that includes me in a tricorner hat, at Hash Bash in Ann Arbor, MI, appeared in at least half a dozen issues of High Times in the early 90′s. I co-founded Mass. Cann., the Massachusetts Cannabis Reform Coalition, started their newsletter, Mass Grass, and I beat the pavement door-to-door canvassing for medical marijuana in the mid-nineties, so I celebrated the passage of Prop.215 as much as anyone. However, while marijuana has stepped out of the shadows a bit, under the medical model, modern medicine has become a much darker place.

 

Much as I enjoy recreational drugs, I generally dislike drug dealers. I don’t dislike them because they sell drugs. No, I like them because they sell drugs. I dislike them because, invariably, they love money more than drugs. That’s just wrong!

 

That’s what’s wrong with most drug dealers. They don’t sell drugs because they love drugs, and find them interesting. No, most drug dealers sell drugs for the high profit margin. They’re real interest is money. That makes them stupid and boring in my book. You may find some interesting characters at the bottom of the drug-dealing totem pole, but the further up you climb, the more boring and stupid the people, but today’s medical industry makes drug dealers look brilliant and interesting.

 

The modern medical greed machine even makes banksters and real estate bloodsuckers envious. Now that they wrecked the economy with the phony housing bubble, the only thing they can make money on these days is student loans for people going into the medical industry. There’s as much big money in sickness as there is sickness in big money, and you don’t even have to see a single patient to cash in.

 

Look at the city of Hartford, CT. They don’t have any big factories with spewing smokestacks, nor do they have any coal mines or clear-cut forest land. Yet ringing the city of Hartford, you will find dozens of tony suburbs full of well-manicured, chemically-treated lawns and clogged with late model Beemers, Camrys and SUVs. Where does all of this wealth come from?

 

Hartford isn’t world-famous for its underground marijuana industry. That explains all of the new rolling stock around here, but they’ve got a better racket than marijuana in Hartford. It’s called health insurance.

 

The money you, and everyone else, spends on health insurance, pays all of those Beemer driving, Chemlawn spraying salaries in Hartford, CT, and produces billions of dollars, that’s billions with a B in profits for corporate shareholders, besides. They might eventually shell out some money to your health-care provider, if you get sick, but that depends on your policy. The policy that they wrote, and you never completely read or understood.

 

Health insurance makes big money, but it’s incredibly dull work, so it tends to attract dull, greedy people, even duller and greedier than the people who deal illegal drugs. In Hartford, CT, even more so than here in Humboldt County, CA, greed and tedium feed on each other producing rising rates of conformity and consumption.

 

As people increasingly seek entertainment to relieve the boredom and status symbols to bolster their failing self-worth, dull, greedy people require increasingly obscene incomes just to cope with the misery of their empty lives. They become a plague upon the planet, and a danger to themselves. In other words, they become middle-class.

 

This lethal combination of greed and tedium, or “greedium”, as I call it, has spread to all aspects of the medical industry. People infected with greedium believe, falsely, that if you endure tedium, you should be paid more than people who do what they enjoy. If you sat through four years of boring classes, you deserve more money than someone who did something more interesting with their time. Greedium says that tedium, and only tedium, deserves compensation, and the more tedium you endure, the more money you deserve to make.

 

So it goes, that Hartford, CT has become a black-hole of greedium, bent on sucking the life out of the rest of the country, and it has infected the entire medical industry. Our small town hospital just approved a $30,000 dollar a year raise for our hospital administrator, so that he can maintain a residence in a nicer community, with better schools in another state.

With an annual salary just shy of $150,000, he makes more than pretty much everyone else around here, even most of the dope yuppies, but doesn’t see a single patient. Yes, greedium is the real epidemic in this country, and it’s spread through contact with the medical profession.

So it’s good news, bad news. The good news is that marijuana has finally become part of the medical industry. The bad news is that the medical industry has become a bigger rip-off than prohibition.

Again With The Circuit-Bending

Again With The Circuit-Bending

Next Monday, May 21the Southern Humboldt Amateur Radio Club will host a circuit-bending workshop with the band CMKT4. I’m really looking forward to this event. I hope I meet all of the local musical odd-balls out there who find the proliferation of pointless electronica (used here to denote a genre of gadget, not music) fascinating, disturbing, or compelling enough integrate these devices into their art.

 

After this event, I will get back to producing the kind of vapid pointless pap that you’ve come to expect from me here. Maybe I’ll even get back to Zombie Rodoni’s write-in campaign for the Second District Supes race. I don’t know, I’ll find something to bitch about. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you pitiful drones desperately seeking sanctuary from your dreary lives in my words. I’m here for you.

 

I know you are out there. I know you count on me. This blog has averaged over one-thousand hits a day for the last two-and-a-half months. Almost a hundred people an hour, and over thirty thousand people a month come here, for what, I don’t know, but I appreciate every one of you, even if you just look at the pictures. I won’t let you down.

 

But right now, I just want to keep writing long enough to use up this disposable pen. I need the spring from it for this electro-acoustic cigar-box drum-machine I’m building. I know these cheap disposable promotional pens really don’t have much ink in them, so if I just keep writing, I know I can use it up. Then I can take the pen apart to get the little spring I need, with a clear conscience.

 

I feel inspired, for the first time in years, to make music. This time with an odd collection of hand-made, circuit-bent, highly idiosyncratic instruments. I don’t have any idea how to get people to listen to my music, and I know that even if I could get people to listen to my music, most people won’t like it. I won’t let that stop me from making it though.

 

Like all the world needs is more fucking music,… played on jerry-rigged children’s toys, no less. Some of you might wonder what I find so appealing about these annoying, noisy, electronic toys. Not only do they sound profoundly unmusical, they’re ugly, they’re plastic, and they’re full of unrecoverable toxins and heavy metals. They offend everything natural and wholesome in this world. Even children don’t really like them much, and parents hate them, which is why you find so many of them in our thrift stores.

 

By all accounts, these things should never exist. No one should ever buy for a child, a toy that makes electronic noise whenever the child pushes a button. Kids should have to work harder than that to make noise. Banging pots and pans, screaming at the top of their lungs or jumping up and down all take some energy, and will eventually tire the child out. Noisy electronic toys make it too easy for kids to be loud and annoying, the way cell-phones make it too easy for adults to be loud and annoying.

 

Though I consider myself a musician, I don’t care much for music, at least not the music of our culture. I don’t like classical music much, because I can smell the tuxedos. I don’t like country and western or bluegrass, because I can taste the alcohol, incest and bigotry. I don’t like rock, because its too loud and stupid, and I don’t like techno, because it has no soul. I don’t care for gospel, because it reminds me too much of church, and I don’t like reggae because it reminds me of the blood-sucking dope-yuppies who ruined this place. No, I prefer something else. Something I find in little black blobs on circuit boards embedded in brightly colored plastic toys from China, or in the spring in this pen.

 

To me, these little machines sound more brutal than death-metal, more comical than Spike Jones’ Jazz and more transcendent than trip-hop. They are more sophisticated than the Space Shuttle, and yet they produce the most crass and banal sounds ever heard on planet Earth. In many ways, these circuit-bent toys reflect what we have become as a society: a cheap imitation of an infantile fantasy, hopelessly short-circuited, and malfunctioning spectacularly. At least that’s how they sound to me.

Or maybe I just love the sound of electricity and the smell of solder. Either way, I killed off that pen about two paragraphs ago. Now I can get to work on my drum machine. Adios!

P.S. I just recorded an interview with Terri Clemmentson of KMUD news in which I demonstrated a circuit-bent teddy-bear’s innards, and a baby rattle miked with a CMKT4 contact microphone. Here’s a short etude for these two instruments.

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Introduction

If you are like me, you’ve become frustrated by the accuracy of old-fashioned personality tests. Both the Rorschach Ink Blot Test and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory leave a lot to be desired, especially when you need to put together a specialized focus group. When I’m designing an ad campaign to exploit a particular phobia, neurosis, or compulsion, I need a focus group that shares that weakness. I don’t have the time or inclination to listen to them for hours like a therapist or psychiatrist, and I’m not interested in helping them.

Those other, currently available metrics, while perfectly adequate for the psychiatric health-care community, lack the detail necessary for public relations and advertizing work. I designed this test so I didn’t have to spend so much time around the wackos and nut-jobs that I help corporations take advantage of.

 

Of course, the complete key to scoring the test remains a proprietary secret, but by now, tens of thousands of people have taken the test, so the questions have become public knowledge. While the test reveals nearly everything about the psychological profile of the subject, but on the broadest level, all people who take this test, invariably fall into four main personality types.

 

At the end of the test, I will tell you enough about scoring the test, for you to discover your broad personality type. It surprises many people to learn their personality type, and they often find it interesting, even though that level of analysis really doesn’t help me, as a heartless manipulator of the feeble-minded, much at all. So, I’m happy to share it with you. Also, since you are scoring this test yourself, and not providing me with your answers, you can enjoy the test and learn your personality type, without turning the keys to your mind over to me.

 

To score the test, I suggest that you divide a sheet of paper into four sections, and label them A, B, C, and D. Every time you answer a question, make a hash mark in the section corresponding to the answer you choose. More about scoring after you take the test. Now get started!

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Phase 1 Basic Intelligence

1. How many Star Wars movies have you seen?

   A) Every film in the series once

   B) Every film in the series once, and some more than once

   C) Every film in the series once, and any Star Wars film more than 10 times

   D) The original Star Wars film once

2. If “D”, why?

   A) Lousy dialogue

   B) Shallow Characters

   C) Weak story

   D) Special effects not quite spectacular enough to overcome other weaknesses

Phase 2, Conscious Self-Image

1. What’s the matter with you?

   A) It’s hereditary

   B) It’s an autoimmune disorder

   C) I was severely traumatized as a child

   D) I blame society

2. Where do you get off?

   A) Exit 34 S

   B) In a dungeon themed hotel room

   C) At Costco

   D) Any Wifi hotspot

3. What were you thinking?

   A) It was more of a sexual fantasy than a thought

   B) I hope there’s something funny here

   C) I wonder if they ever did figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop

   D) How long til lunchtime

4. Where were you on the night of Feb. 17?

   A) At home in my bedroom having sex with an inflatable pig

   B) At an all night prayer vigil for the victims of Jersey Shore

   C) Spinnin’ spliffs and tippin’ 40s wit my homies in da crib

   D) Learning to speak urban slang from an instructional CD

Phase 3, The Subliminal Self

1. If you were an invertebrate, inhabiting a Northern California tide-pool, would you be…

   A) a Giant Rock Scallop

   B) a Lurid Rock Snail

   C) a Red Rock Crab

   D) a Giant Rock Louse

2. If your life were a book, who would the author be?

   A) Dr. Seuss

   B) Tom Robbins

   C) Franz Kafka

   D) Stephen King

3. Which of these movies do you most identify with

   A) Zombieland

   B) Sid and Nancy

   C) Fight Club

   D) Eraserhead

4. If you were a bottle of shampoo, would you be…

   A) Concentrated Prell

   B) Medicated Head and Shoulders

   C) Pantene with Protein and conditioners

   D) Suave

5. If you were an over-the-counter medication, would you be…

   A) Compound W

   B) Preparation H

   C) Coricidan D

   D) Exedrin PM

6. If you were an illegal drug, would you be

   A) LSD

   B) PCP

   C) DMT

   D) MDMA

7. If you were a cartoon character, would you be…

   A) Bugs Bunny

   B) Charlie Brown

   C) Scooby Doo

   D) Hong Kong Phooey

8. If you were a criminal offense, would you be…

   A) Murder 1

   B) Grand Theft Auto

   C) Breaking and Entering

   D) Vagrancy

9. If you were a moving violation, would you be…

   A) Speeding

   B) Driving Under the Influence

   C) Failure to yield the right of way

   D) Reckless operation

10. If you were a member of The Beatles, would you be…

    A) John Lennon

    B) Paul McCartney

    C) George Harrison

    D) Ringo Starr

11. If you were a member of The Bangles, would you be…

    A) Susana Hoffs

    B) Vicki Peterson

    C) Debbie Peterson

    D) Annette Zilinskas

12. If you were a member of The Rolling Stones, would you be…

    A) Mick Jagger

    B) Kieth Richards

    C) Bill Wyman

    D) Charlie Watts

13. If you were a member of The Chipmunks, would you be…

    A) Alvin

    B) Theodore

    C) Simon

    D) Dave

14. If you were a tropical fruit, would you be…

    A) pineapple

    B) banana

    C) guava

    D) mango

15. If you were a cruciferous vegetable, would you be…

    A) broccoli

    B) Brussels sprouts

    C) Cauliflower

    D) cabbage

16. If you were a large carnivorous reptile, would you be…

    A) a salt-water crocodile

    B) a Burmese python

    C) an American Alligator

    D) a Gila monster

17. If you were a fast food chain, would you be…

    A) McDonalds

    B) Wendy’s

    C) Taco Bell

    D) Pizza Hut

18. If you were a snack food, would you be..

    A) potato chips

    B) cheese curls

    C) Oreo cookies

    D) Twinkies

19. If you were a major environmental catastrophe, would you be..

    A) Chernobyl nuclear explosion

    B) Fukushima nuclear meltdown

    C) BP Macondo well blowout

    D) Bhopal chemical plant disaster

20. If you were a twentieth-century international bloodbath, would you be…

    A) WWI

    B) WWII

    C) The Korean Conflict

    D) The Vietnam War

Phase 4, Overt Attitude Towards Others

1. Which of these statements best describes your attitude towards others

   A) Give, so that others may live

   B) Live and let live

   C) Live and let die

   D) Kill, kill, kill

2. On average, how many other people do you have to deal with on a daily basis

   A) Less than 5

   B) 5-10

   C) 11-49

   D) 50 or more

3. What is your attitude towards children

   A) They should be seen, heard and listened to

   B) They should be seen, but not heard

   C) They should be heard, but not seen

   D) They should never be seen or heard from again

Phase 5, Unconscious Attitude Towards Others

1. If other people were the ocean, would you be…

   A) Jacques Cousteau

   B) Flipper

   C) a Somali pirate

   D) The Titanic

2. If other people were dogs, would you be…

   A) a cat

   B) another dog

   C) the postman

   D) a fire hydrant

3. If other people were cats, would you be

   A) a dog

   B) another cat

   C) a mouse

   D) catnip

4. If other people were mice, would you be

   A) cheese

   B) a cat

   C) a hamster

   D) an old lady with a broom

Phase 6, Overt World-View

1. Is the world…

   A) a blessed and benevolent place

   B) a place where only the strong survive

   C) an illusion of our own making

   D) a place of wickedness

2. When was the last time you had sex outdoors

   A) today

   B) in the past month

   C) in the past year

   D) more than a year ago

Phase 7, Unconscious World View

1. Which of these films best describes your relationship to the world

   A) Saving Private Ryan

   B) Being There

   C) Alice in Wonderland

   D) Silence of the Lambs

2. In the Great Pizza Pie of Life, are you..

   A) the crust

   B) the sauce

   C) the cheese

   D) the pepperoni

3. If life is a highway, are you…

   A) in the fast lane

   B) in the slow lane

   C) in the breakdown lane

   D) dropping rocks from an overpass bridge

Phase 8, Overt Attitude Towards the Author and His Work

1. Are you with me so far?

   A) I didn’t get past the title

   B) It looks like a hella long list of questions, this one just popped out at me

   C) Yeah, is it gonna get funny soon?

   D) Yes, Master

2. How do you feel about me, as the author of this test, as the author of this blog, and as a person

   A) I want to have your baby

   B) I like you because I enjoy reading your blog

   C) I don’t like you because I’ve met you in real life

   D) I hate your guts and wish you were dead, but here I am reading your blog

3. When do you read this blog

   A) When I’m bored at work

   B) Never, I just look at the pictures

   C) 5 times a day, religiously

   D) Only when you write about me

4. Would you have sex with this blog if…

   A) It lost some weight

   B) It had bigger tits

   C) It wore sexier clothes and flirted more

   D) It brushed its teeth once in a while

5. What would you like to see more of in this blog

   A) naked dead people

   B) stuff that’s on fire

   C) people with weird diseases

   D) titties

Phase 9, Unconscious attitude towards the author and his work

1. If this blog were a 5,000 year-old stone statue of a venerated deity from a long-dead civilization, would you…

   A) smash it to bits

   B) put it in your garden

   C) sell it on Ebay

   D) worship it

2. If this blog were on fire would you be…

   A) a volunteer firefighter

   B) the arsonist

   C) a rubbernecking gawker

   D) a burn victim

3. If this blog were the assassination of JFK, would you be…

   A) the grassy knoll

   B) the Zapruder film

   C) Lee Harvey Oswald

   D) Jackie Kennedy

4. If this blog were Global Climate Change, would you be…

   A) the Ross Ice Shelf

   B) American Samoa

   C) a polar bear

   D) a California Superstorm

5. If this blog were a flying insect, would it be…

   A) a firefly

   B) a mosquito

   C) a dragonfly

   D) a June-bug

6. If this blog were a brand of cat food, would it be…

   A) Happy Cat

   B) Purina Cat Chow

   C) 9Lives Seafood Platter

   D) Fancy Feast

7. If this blog were a TV sitcom, would it be…

   A) 30 Rock

   B) The Office

   C) Gilligan’s Island

   D) I Love Lucy

8. If this blog were a tattoo, would it be…

   A) a flaming,bug-eyed skull

   B) a dragon

   C) a naked woman with big tits

   D) gullible white boy, written in Chinese characters

9. If this blog were a strain of weed, would it be…

   A) Green Crack

   B) Trainwreck/BC Kush

   C) Sexi-Mexi

   D) Nebraska Ditch Weed

10. If this blog were a serial killer, would it be

    A) John Wayne Gacy

    B) Jeffery Dahmer

    C) Hannibal Lector

    D) Charles Manson

Phase 10, Gratuitous Questions to Satisfy the Authors Prurient Interest

1. Have you ever had an interesting, unusual or particularly memorable sexual experience

   A) No

   B) Yes

   C) Maybe

   D) ask again, later

2. If “B” above, please describe, in as much detail as possible, in the comments section below.

Scoring the Test:

now that you’ve taken the test, add up how many times you answered A, B, C, and D respectively.

Type A Personality

If you answered A more often than B,C, or D, you probably didn’t take the time to read the other answers thoroughly. Type A personalities tend to be impatient, always one step ahead of themselves. If you are a Type A personality, slow down, take time to smell the coffee before you inject it directly into your veins.

Type B Personality

If you answered B more often than you answered A, C, or D, its probably because you learned in school, that if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice test question, go with B because statistically, B is right more often than other answers. While that may be true in school, in this test, your B answers tell me that you are the kind of person who plays it safe. Type B personalities avoid undue risk. They are careful, perhaps too careful. They avoid unprotected sex with strangers, don’t share hypodermic needles, don’t talk on their cell phone while driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and never, ever wear white after Labor Day. In other words, they are as boring as rocks.

Type C Personality

If you answered C more often than you answered A, B, or D, you probably speak Spanish, and did not understand the questions. Gracias por participar. Tenga un buen día.

Type D Personality

People who answered D more often than they answered A, B, or C… If you answered D more often than you answered A,B, or C… If you answered D more often than A, B, or C, …than, um, …what was it? Oh yeah, short term memory loss. If you answered D more often that A, B, or C, its because you suffer from short term memory loss. In case you forgot, you just took the new lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile test.

Statistical Margin of Error

If you answered A, B, C, and D, an equal number of times, you did not add correctly. Roughly 10% of all subjects who take the test will incorrectly tally their score.