Word Power, Anthropophagous

Word Power

Building Your Vocabulary One Word At A Time

Anthropophagous

 

anthropophagous (ant threh ‘poff eh gus) adj. Feeding on human flesh

…not to be confused with another word that’s pronounced the same way, but has a slightly different spelling…

anthropophagus (ant threh ‘poff eh gus) n. Man-eater

 

So, an anthropophagus is by definition anthropophagous, and anything that is anthropophagous must be an anthropophagus. If that’s not confusing enough, an anthropophogologist studying this phenomena, and those that practice it, might title his book on the subject, Anthropophagy of the World’s Anthropophagi.

 

While anthropophogology may seem like a very narrow field of study, limited to only a very few indigenous tribes, some extreme survival situations, and the occasional unfortunate encounter with one of the remaining non-human large predators, consider the future.

As time goes on, and the human population continues its explosive growth, displacing most other life forms on planet Earth, I suspect more of us will adopt an anthropophagous diet. Someday we may have a rich tradition of culinary anthropophagy to satisfy the drooling anthropophagi of the future.

 

Yes the future looks bright for anthropophagy, and for aspiring young anthropophagi, and thanks to this column, you will be prepared to discuss it, without using the “c” word, they get so sensitive about.

Bin Laden’s Porn

Bin Laden’s Porn

 

I heard today that, since it’s now been one year since the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abatabad, the Federal Government plans to release to the public, many of the documents seized in the raid in which Bin Laden was killed. I’m sure some people wonder what we could learn about the Al Quaida terrorist network, and how much of a threat they pose to our national security, but not me. I have only one question about the documents seized by Seal Team 6 one year ago: What kind of porn was Osama into?

 

You can tell a lot about a guy by his porn collection. Is he into au-natural Swedish women in outdoor settings, or does he like raunchy Hustlereque genital closeups? Does he like Ukrainian women in leather and latex, or does he like to see Japanese women tied in knots? Do you think Osama leered at American porn? Do you think he was looking at tanned buxom American blondes stretched out on SoCal beaches, or a severe-looking Manhattan dominatrix in stiletto heels? Maybe he’s into “Sploshing”, a kind of British porn involving messy food. We need to know.

 

Is there any Arab porn? I suppose there must be, but I’ve never seen it. What is that like? One thing I remember about the protest marches in SF before the Iraq invasion, is that there sure are a lot of hot Arab women. I’m sure some of them could be persuaded to pose nude, maybe on a nice rug with big smiles and come hither eyes, or with a ball gag and dildo. I don’t know, I am just speculating here.

 

Do you think women pose with guns in Arab porn? I’ll bet that’s a popular theme. I’m sure it would be more popular here in the US, but some Americans are just not that comfortable with firearms. We’d rather watch women rub up against cars, or trucks or motorcycles, or backhoes or mufflers or even garden fertilizer, as I saw depicted recently. I wonder if arms dealers in Kabul send out promotional calendars featuring olive skinned beauties posing with Kalashnikov rifles and RPGs. Just wondering….

 

I really think it would help bridge the cultural gap between the Muslim and the Christian worlds, if they made Osama’s porn public. It would remind us all just how much we all have in common. We both embrace sexually repressed, dysfunctional fundamentalist beliefs. If we also both embrace the commercial exploitation of depersonalized, dehumanized and commodified sexual imagery, that is a lot to have in common. You’d think we’d get along better.

 

In fact, they should have a huge art show. Osama’a collection won’t be enough on its own, but by now, millions of pornographic images have been seized from defrocked Catholic priests. I’m sure that would make some show all on its own, but they should collect porn from priests, rabbis, mullahs, sheiks, lamas, yogis, zen masters, and any other free agent holy men they can find. Call the show “The Porn of the Pious”.

 

Curate the collection in a way that preserves the diversity and breadth of clerical pornography, and presents a selection that could be viewed comfortably in an afternoon. Well, “comfortably” might be too much to ask, but at least they could frame it, light it well, have a reception, serve Chablis and Brie, and let people decide for themselves. Doncha think?

 

I’d go. That collection would represent the most private thoughts, and deepest desires of some of the most trusted and influential men on the planet. How could anyone deny the cultural significance of such a show? Can you even imagine a more culturally relevant art show?

 

When I said “men” there, I don’t mean to imply sexism. If, and I have never heard of such a thing, but if, some woman has managed to achieve a clerical position in one of the few religions that don’t discriminate against women, and been arrested with a heap of pornography, I want to see her collection too.

 

I can imagine that some former porn star, who found Jesus and then went on to become a preacher might want to hold on to some mementos of her former life, but I’m just fantasizing here. I know some women do enjoy and collect pornography, but not many, and not many of them also harbor clerical aspirations. While I fear that women will be under-represented, in terms of their clerical porn collections, I expect that they will be well represented, in terms of the subject matter therein, at least I hope so.

 

This show just might turn out to be a bit more disturbing than that, but I won’t speculate. I just think we should all see it. We should all see what the people who tell us to “look to God” all over the world, really like to look at. I think we’d find it enlightening, perhaps even instructive.

On The Money, The Zombie Apocalypse

On The Money;

Financial Advice for the Working-Class

The Zombie Apocalypse

Lots of people throughout history have speculated about the coming apocalypse. John (not me, the biblical author of Revelations), envisioned four guys on horseback, a prostitute and a seven horned animal. That doesn’t sound like the apocalypse to me, that sounds like a republican hunting trip. Some people think climate change will do us in. Some people think the Earth will get struck by a giant asteroid, and others think we’ll all die in concentration camps set up by the New World Order.

All of those seem more plausible to me, than the apostle John’s psychotic acid trip story. However, as the end of the world gathers steam around us, we no longer have to make predictions about the end of the world. We can simply make observations. To me, the end of the world looks like a zombie apocalypse.

I imagine that the “Start Date” for the end of the world will remain a subject of academic debate, but as far as I’m concerned, we’re there.  I know it just seems like normal life, especially if you are young, but we passed the tipping point a while ago and have moved into a state of free-fall. Nothing can stop it from crashing now.

Why do I say zombie apocalypse? Where are the zombies? When I talk about a zombie apocalypse, I don’t mean the walking undead, as in corpses that come to life. No, I’m talking about the walking unliving, as in live humans caught in a dead culture.

Most of us learned to become the walking unliving when we went to school. The more time you spend in school, the more of a zombie you become. Having learned to behave like a zombie in school, you join the zombie workforce, where the apocalypse becomes just a job. We didn’t have to die to become zombies, we became zombies when our culture died.

When was that? You ask. Like I say, the specific date remains a matter for academic debate, but some scholars put the time of death at 1962, fifty years ago, the year Rachel Carson published Silent Spring. For many, Silent Spring represents the first incontrovertible case against our culture; our particular way of doing things. Silent Spring proved to everyone that our industrial high-tech civilization was killing the planet.

One could argue that the entire 20th Century, with two devastating world wars, a global economic collapse, and the ungodly spectacle of an atmospheric thermonuclear explosion, was the century that our culture died. That is, the century where everyone had to face the fact that the way we live, destroys the planet, and the quality of our own lives. Whether our culture died in 1917, 1929, 1945 or 1962, or even 1967, when Tim Leary told us to “turn on, tune in and drop out”, our culture arrived in this new century DOA.

In the 21st Century, we all know we’re killing the planet. We know we live an unsustainable lifestyle, but we just keep on doing things the same way, and we want more of the same. We want more jobs. We want more economic growth. We want to drill for more oil, and we want to build new nuclear power plants, but Thorium reactors, this time. The walking unliving crave these things like the walking undead crave brains. That’s why I call them zombies.

Why did everyone become zombies, rather than face the death of our culture? Having your culture die really fucks up your day. Its worse than having a parent, or both parents, die. Its even worse than God dying. Its like both parents, God, and everyone you’ve ever known dying, at the same time you realize that everything you’ve ever been taught is wrong. People can’t handle that kind of shit. They can’t even imagine what comes next. They crack. They dissociate. They go into denial. They become zombies.

People made investments in this culture. They don’t want to walk away from the life they’ve planned for themselves, whether its the degree they earned, the property they’ve acquired or the position they’ve achieved, they don’t want to face the fact that everything they’ve ever known is meaningless, and falling apart. They can’t face it. It’s really more than most people can take.

That’s how we got so many zombies in our zombie apocalypse. The death of our culture sent people spinning out of control. Old habits die hard, especially when you have no idea what to replace it with, so they keep doing things the same way they always have. They act like nothing is wrong and everything will be fine, but things have changed. It’s over.

We thought we were so on the right track with this secular, technological, democratic, oligarchy thing, but we were wrong. In fact, we were so wrong, we can’t even remember what it means to be right. Our culture didn’t go wrong, 100 years ago, or 500 years ago, or even 1000 years ago. Our culture made a wrong turn away from a traditional, stable, tribal culture, to a centralized, totalitarian system roughly 10,000 years ago.

That centralized totalitarian system meant that the people of this culture work harder than anyone else in the world, and that our population grew faster than any other on earth. That culture threw sustainability, leisure time, human dignity and cultural identity out the window, for power, hierarchy, and unbridled expansion. What we call “World History” amounts to the story of just this one culture, ours, as it expanded out of the Middle East, and spread all over the globe, annihilating the sustainable cultures of tribal peoples all along the way.

Except for the few remaining tribal peoples clinging to their ancestral homelands and cultures, in the ever shrinking margins of our expanding global economy, we’ve never seen a sustainable culture, or one that meets the need of its members effectively. 150 years ago we called those people “savages”, and it was legal to kill them here in California. We were that convinced of our cultural superiority… until WWI, the Great Depression, WWII, The Bomb, Silent Spring, Vietnam, LSD, the collapse of the Middle-Class, and the Global Climate Crisis. Today some people still think of our culture as “advanced”, “evolved” or “superior”, rather than “flawed”, “dysfuctional” or “dead”, despite the evidence to the contrary. I call these people “zombies”.

Zombies want to “restore America”, “take back our democracy”, and “reclaim the flag”. Zombies pray to Jesus, worship Allah, or meditate on nothingness. Zombies stay in school, keep their nose clean, and work hard every day. Zombies just keep going through the motions, even though they know its doing no good, and a whole lot of harm.

It’s easy to join them. You can go through the motions too, …but you’ll know. Deep down in the pit of your stomach, you’ll feel a dark empty hole where a vibrant, sustainable culture should live. You’ll consume stuff to fill that hole. You’ll make stuff for other people to consume to fill that hole. That hole has become the primary force that drives our economy.

As long as we keep going through the motions of an undead culture, we’ll never create, rediscover, or intuit the seeds of a new living culture, and unless we stop going through the motions of an undead culture, we won’t have a habitable planet to build a living culture on. So, welcome to the zombie apocalypse, you’ll have to face it, if you want to survive.

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Introduction

If you are like me, you’ve become frustrated by the accuracy of old-fashioned personality tests. Both the Rorschach Ink Blot Test and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory leave a lot to be desired, especially when you need to put together a specialized focus group. When I’m designing an ad campaign to exploit a particular phobia, neurosis, or compulsion, I need a focus group that shares that weakness. I don’t have the time or inclination to listen to them for hours like a therapist or psychiatrist, and I’m not interested in helping them.

Those other, currently available metrics, while perfectly adequate for the psychiatric health-care community, lack the detail necessary for public relations and advertizing work. I designed this test so I didn’t have to spend so much time around the wackos and nut-jobs that I help corporations take advantage of.

 

Of course, the complete key to scoring the test remains a proprietary secret, but by now, tens of thousands of people have taken the test, so the questions have become public knowledge. While the test reveals nearly everything about the psychological profile of the subject, but on the broadest level, all people who take this test, invariably fall into four main personality types.

 

At the end of the test, I will tell you enough about scoring the test, for you to discover your broad personality type. It surprises many people to learn their personality type, and they often find it interesting, even though that level of analysis really doesn’t help me, as a heartless manipulator of the feeble-minded, much at all. So, I’m happy to share it with you. Also, since you are scoring this test yourself, and not providing me with your answers, you can enjoy the test and learn your personality type, without turning the keys to your mind over to me.

 

To score the test, I suggest that you divide a sheet of paper into four sections, and label them A, B, C, and D. Every time you answer a question, make a hash mark in the section corresponding to the answer you choose. More about scoring after you take the test. Now get started!

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Phase 1 Basic Intelligence

  1. How many Star Wars movies have you seen?

    A) Every film in the series once

    B) Every film in the series once, and some more than once

    C) Every film in the series once, and any Star Wars film more than 10 times

    D) The original Star Wars film once

  2. If “D”, why?

    A) Lousy dialogue

    B) Shallow Characters

    C) Weak story

    D) Special effects not quite spectacular enough to overcome other weaknesses

Phase 2, Conscious Self-Image

  1. What’s the matter with you?

    A) It’s hereditary

    B) It’s an autoimmune disorder

    C) I was severely traumatized as a child

    D) I blame society

  2. Where do you get off?

    A) Exit 34 S

    B) In a dungeon themed hotel room

    C) At Costco

    D) Any Wifi hotspot

  3. What were you thinking?

    A) It was more of a sexual fantasy than a thought

    B) I hope there’s something funny here

    C) I wonder if they ever did figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop

    D) How long til lunchtime

  4. Where were you on the night of Feb. 17?

    A) At home in my bedroom having sex with an inflatable pig

    B) At an all night prayer vigil for the victims of Jersey Shore

    C) Spinnin’ spliffs and tippin’ 40s wit my homies in da crib

    D) Learning to speak urban slang from an instructional CD

Phase 3, The Subliminal Self

  1. If you were an invertebrate, inhabiting a Northern California tide-pool, would you be…

    A) a Giant Rock Scallop

    B) a Lurid Rock Snail

    C) a Red Rock Crab

    D) a Giant Rock Louse

  2. If your life were a book, who would the author be?

    A) Dr. Seuss

    B) Tom Robbins

    C) Franz Kafka

    D) Stephen King

  3. Which of these movies do you most identify with

    A) Zombieland

    B) Sid and Nancy

    C) Fight Club

    D) Eraserhead

  4. If you were a bottle of shampoo, would you be…

    A) Concentrated Prell

    B) Medicated Head and Shoulders

    C) Pantene with Protein and conditioners

    D) Suave

  5. If you were an over-the-counter medication, would you be…

    A) Compound W

    B) Preparation H

    C) Coricidan D

    D) Exedrin PM

  6. If you were an illegal drug, would you be

    A) LSD

    B) PCP

    C) DMT

    D) MDMA

  7. If you were a cartoon character, would you be…

    A) Bugs Bunny

    B) Charlie Brown

    C) Scooby Doo

    D) Hong Kong Phooey

  8. If you were a criminal offense, would you be…

    A) Murder 1

    B) Grand Theft Auto

    C) Breaking and Entering

    D) Vagrancy

  9. If you were a moving violation, would you be…

    A) Speeding

    B) Driving Under the Influence

    C) Failure to yield the right of way

    D) Reckless operation

  10. If you were a member of The Beatles, would you be…

    A) John Lennon

    B) Paul McCartney

    C) George Harrison

    D) Ringo Starr

  11. If you were a member of The Bangles, would you be…

    A) Susana Hoffs

    B) Vicki Peterson

    C) Debbie Peterson

    D) Annette Zilinskas

  12. If you were a member of The Rolling Stones, would you be…

    A) Mick Jagger

    B) Kieth Richards

    C) Bill Wyman

    D) Charlie Watts

  13. If you were a member of The Chipmunks, would you be…

    A) Alvin

    B) Theodore

    C) Simon

    D) Dave

  14. If you were a tropical fruit, would you be…

    A) pineapple

    B) banana

    C) guava

    D) mango

  15. If you were a cruciferous vegetable, would you be…

    A) broccoli

    B) Brussels sprouts

    C) Cauliflower

    D) cabbage

  16. If you were a large carnivorous reptile, would you be…

    A) a salt-water crocodile

    B) a Burmese python

    C) an American Alligator

    D) a Gila monster

  17. If you were a fast food chain, would you be…

    A) McDonalds

    B) Wendy’s

    C) Taco Bell

    D) Pizza Hut

  18. If you were a snack food, would you be..

    A) potato chips

    B) cheese curls

    C) Oreo cookies

    D) Twinkies

  19. If you were a major environmental catastrophe, would you be..

    A) Chernobyl nuclear explosion

    B) Fukushima nuclear meltdown

    C) BP Macondo well blowout

    D) Bhopal chemical plant disaster

  20. If you were a twentieth-century international bloodbath, would you be…

    A) WWI

    B) WWII

    C) The Korean Conflict

    D) The Vietnam War

Phase 4, Overt Attitude Towards Others

  1. Which of these statements best describes your attitude towards others

    A) Give, so that others may live

    B) Live and let live

    C) Live and let die

    D) Kill, kill, kill

  2. On average, how many other people do you have to deal with on a daily basis

    A) Less than 5

    B) 5-10

    C) 11-49

    D) 50 or more

  3. What is your attitude towards children

    A) They should be seen, heard and listened to

    B) They should be seen, but not heard

    C) They should be heard, but not seen

    D) They should never be seen or heard from again

Phase 5, Unconscious Attitude Towards Others

  1. If other people were the ocean, would you be…

    A) Jacques Cousteau

    B) Flipper

    C) a Somali pirate

    D) The Titanic

  2. If other people were dogs, would you be…

    A) a cat

    B) another dog

    C) the postman

    D) a fire hydrant

  3. If other people were cats, would you be

    A) a dog

    B) another cat

    C) a mouse

    D) catnip

  4. If other people were mice, would you be

    A) cheese

    B) a cat

    C) a hamster

    D) an old lady with a broom

Phase 6, Overt World-View

  1. Is the world…

    A) a blessed and benevolent place

    B) a place where only the strong survive

    C) an illusion of our own making

    D) a place of wickedness

  2. When was the last time you had sex outdoors

    A) today

    B) in the past month

    C) in the past year

    D) more than a year ago

Phase 7, Unconscious World View

  1. Which of these films best describes your relationship to the world

    A) Saving Private Ryan

    B) Being There

    C) Alice in Wonderland

    D) Silence of the Lambs

  2. In the Great Pizza Pie of Life, are you..

    A) the crust

    B) the sauce

    C) the cheese

    D) the pepperoni

  3. If life is a highway, are you…

    A) in the fast lane

    B) in the slow lane

    C) in the breakdown lane

    D) dropping rocks from an overpass bridge

Phase 8, Overt Attitude Towards the Author and His Work

  1. Are you with me so far?

    A) I didn’t get past the title

    B) It looks like a hella long list of questions, this one just popped out at me

    C) Yeah, is it gonna get funny soon?

    D) Yes, Master

  2. How do you feel about me, as the author of this test, as the author of this blog, and as a person

    A) I want to have your baby

    B) I like you because I enjoy reading your blog

    C) I don’t like you because I’ve met you in real life

    D) I hate your guts and wish you were dead, but here I am reading your blog

  3. When do you read this blog

    A) When I’m bored at work

    B) Never, I just look at the pictures

    C) 5 times a day, religiously

    D) Only when you write about me

  4. Would you have sex with this blog if…

    A) It lost some weight

    B) It had bigger tits

    C) It wore sexier clothes and flirted more

    D) It brushed its teeth once in a while

  5. What would you like to see more of in this blog

    A) naked dead people

    B) stuff that’s on fire

    C) people with weird diseases

    D) titties

Phase 9, Unconscious attitude towards the author and his work

  1. If this blog were a 5,000 year-old stone statue of a venerated deity from a long-dead civilization, would you…

    A) smash it to bits

    B) put it in your garden

    C) sell it on Ebay

    D) worship it

  2. If this blog were on fire would you be…

    A) a volunteer firefighter

    B) the arsonist

    C) a rubbernecking gawker

    D) a burn victim

  3. If this blog were the assassination of JFK, would you be…

    A) the grassy knoll

    B) the Zapruder film

    C) Lee Harvey Oswald

    D) Jackie Kennedy

  4. If this blog were Global Climate Change, would you be…

    A) the Ross Ice Shelf

    B) American Samoa

    C) a polar bear

    D) a California Superstorm

  5. If this blog were a flying insect, would it be…

    A) a firefly

    B) a mosquito

    C) a dragonfly

    D) a June-bug

  6. If this blog were a brand of cat food, would it be…

    A) Happy Cat

    B) Purina Cat Chow

    C) 9Lives Seafood Platter

    D) Fancy Feast

  7. If this blog were a TV sitcom, would it be…

    A) 30 Rock

    B) The Office

    C) Gilligan’s Island

    D) I Love Lucy

  8. If this blog were a tattoo, would it be…

    A) a flaming,bug-eyed skull

    B) a dragon

    C) a naked woman with big tits

    D) gullible white boy, written in Chinese characters

  9. If this blog were a strain of weed, would it be…

    A) Green Crack

    B) Trainwreck/BC Kush

    C) Sexi-Mexi

    D) Nebraska Ditch Weed

  10. If this blog were a serial killer, would it be

    A) John Wayne Gacy

    B) Jeffery Dahmer

    C) Hannibal Lector

    D) Charles Manson

Phase 10, Gratuitous Questions to Satisfy the Authors Prurient Interest

  1. Have you ever had an interesting, unusual or particularly memorable sexual experience

    A) No

    B) Yes

    C) Maybe

    D) ask again, later

  2. If “B” above, please describe, in as much detail as possible, in the comments section below.

Scoring the Test:

now that you’ve taken the test, add up how many times you answered A, B, C, and D respectively.

Type A Personality

If you answered A more often than B,C, or D, you probably didn’t take the time to read the other answers thoroughly. Type A personalities tend to be impatient, always one step ahead of themselves. If you are a Type A personality, slow down, take time to smell the coffee before you inject it directly into your veins.

Type B Personality

If you answered B more often than you answered A, C, or D, its probably because you learned in school, that if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice test question, go with B because statistically, B is right more often than other answers. While that may be true in school, in this test, your B answers tell me that you are the kind of person who plays it safe. Type B personalities avoid undue risk. They are careful, perhaps too careful. They avoid unprotected sex with strangers, don’t share hypodermic needles, don’t talk on their cell phone while driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and never, ever wear white after Labor Day. In other words, they are as boring as rocks.

Type C Personality

If you answered C more often than you answered A, B, or D, you probably speak Spanish, and did not understand the questions. Gracias por participar. Tenga un buen día.

Type D Personality

People who answered D more often than they answered A, B, or C… If you answered D more often than you answered A,B, or C… If you answered D more often than A, B, or C, …than, um, …what was it? Oh yeah, short term memory loss. If you answered D more often that A, B, or C, its because you suffer from short term memory loss. In case you forgot, you just took the new lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile test.

Statistical Margin of Error

If you answered A, B, C, and D, an equal number of times, you did not add correctly. Roughly 10% of all subjects who take the test will incorrectly tally their score.

Two Short Poems About Death

When Death Comes Knocking

When Death comes knocking at your door

He is not one to abhor

But ring his bell and run away

For that, my friend, you’ll dearly pay

 

Now you’re Dead

You’ve lived your life, and now you’re dead

Was there something else I should have said

Last rites, to you, have been read

Now the worms will eat your head

Hello Necrophiliacs!

Greetings Necrophiliacs!

A very hearty welcome, and warm greetings, to all of the necrophiliacs who have recently discovered this blog. Its exciting to have so many readers after just a few months of blogging, and I’m very glad that my work resonates with this new demographic.

 

In the last two weeks an unusually high number of people found this blog through “Google” searches. Specifically, a lot of people searched for: morgue+sex, sex+in+the+morgue, corpse+sex, corpse+sex+morgue, hot+sex+cold+corpse in various combinations. This led them to my recent piece “How to Survive the Heat Dome”

 

While “How to Survive the Heat Dome” did include the words “hot sex” “oral sex” “morgue” and “corpse” in the same 300 word essay, I did not suggest, endorse, recommend or in any way condone (wink, wink) sex with dead people. However, regular readership, that is, people who check this home page daily, has picked up dramatically ever since. I cannot help but conclude that necrophiliacs really dig this blog.

Personally, I have never had sex with a dead person, except maybe once, when I was very young and very drunk. I do not endorse, recommend, suggest or condone sex with dead people, but I’m sure its very nice, if that’s what you are into. I’m very glad to have new readers, and I hope you’ll check back often.

P.S. I personally “Google” searched: sexy+corpse, corpse+love and necrophilia, looking for pictures to go with this piece. This blog came up each time.