Category Archives: Satire

The LYGSBTD Holiday Gift Guide pt 2


As you could probably tell from last week’s post, I’m just so full of Christmas Spirit this year, that I’m about to hurl eggnog and candy canes into the next manger I see. Yes, it’s the holiday gift giving season, and Christmas is right around the corner. That’s right, you worked right through the Spring, Summer and Fall of 2014. Now it’s Winter again. The weather sucks. You hate your job. You hardly recognize your own family, and you’ve accomplished none of the things you hoped to do this year. Merry Christmas! You have no money, but your credit is still good, so you’re going Christmas shopping!


You can’t buy your life back, but you can buy people off, and an extra special Christmas gift will easily make up for all of those months of neglect. But what do you get for the people who mean enough to you to spend money on them at Christmas, but not enough to really care about them the rest of the year? How can you know their likes and dislikes, their interests and proclivities, their long-term dreams, or any of the other things that make them a unique individual, without actually paying attention to them the rest of the year? If you don’t know anything about them, how can you pick out a gift that will mean something to them? The challenge can be overwhelming.

christmas overwhelming

I understand, and I’m here to help. Your loved ones don’t understand how much stress you are under. Being around them is work, and they expect so much from you, but you love them, at least you did before you went completely numb. You don’t want to let them down at Christmas time. You’re willing to spend the money. I won’t let you blow it.

dont blow it1

When buying a gift for someone who means a lot to you, but that you don’t really know very well, keep this in mind. Get them something that will impress their friends. Even if the person you give it to, doesn’t like it, their friends will see this gift, and remind that person of just how lucky they are to receive such a nice gift, and that whoever gave it to them must really love them. Even if they know better themselves, hearing that sentiment expressed again and again, from their friends, will keep their feelings towards you in a state of perpetual conflicted ambivalence. Call it “love.”

call it love

Here’s a few suggestions:

jetpack martin

Jet Pack. This will instantly make anyone popular and change their life, if they survive. With this, you can pack a whole lifetime’s worth of “love” into a single, explosively powerful, spectacularly impressive gift. Gift’s like this obliterate the individuality of the recipient, while they celebrate the generosity of the giver, so choose the gift based on your own personality, rather than that of the recipient. Here’s another idea:

quadski1 Quad/Jetski I’ll bet that a lot of people around here will find one of these under their Christmas Tree this year, but maybe making noise and going fast doesn’t float your boat. Try this:


Barbecue Boat Everyone eats. Why not do it in the middle of a lake? Big ticket gifts like this really steal the show at family get-togethers, making other people’s gifts seem puny and insignificant by comparison. That’s how you solve your little gift-giving problem. If you can afford it, crush it!

crush it

This kind of generosity drives our economy and makes our world the miracle of modern technology that it has become. It isn’t what we wanted, but everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are to have it. Thanks… I guess.

thanks i guess1

Speaking of technology. Here’s a gift for that special woman in your life, the one you haven’t had time for lately, but hasn’t filed for divorce yet. It’s a very personal gift, made uniquely impersonal:


OhMiBod vibrator app for smart phones. OhMiBod consists of two parts, the hardware: a small, blue-tooth enabled, battery powered vibrator, designed to fit in a woman’s underwear, and the software: an app that you download to your smart-phone. The app allows you to control the vibrator from up to 26 ft away, perhaps even from another room, by blue-tooth, or from anywhere in the world, with a wifi connection.


Imagine. You could be watching the game with your buddies.

watching the game

They’d just think you were sending a text to your bookie or something. Fiddle with your phone for ten or fifteen minutes while you drink beer and joke with your friends. Then call her up and say “I love you babe” and hang up. She’s satisfied, and you didn’t have to miss a single play.


What about gifts for men? Well what do men like? Men like boobs. Men don’t care what it is, as long as it has boobs, so give men something that has boobs.

boob radio

Boob Radio. Yes, this radio has boobs, but when it comes down to it, all knobs and buttons are surrogate nipples and boobs, so most guys like almost any gadget. The more knobs and buttons it has, the better.


That just leaves pets. Pets don’t really care about gifts, unless they can eat them, and then they are always welcome. Still, some people insist on buying inedible gifts for their pets, so why not take their money.

take my money

Who cares if the pet enjoys the gift. That’s not the point. Usually, the pets do not like the gifts at all. In fact, animals generally have to be sedated before they will tolerate most of these products long enough to snap a promotional photo.

how high

Here’s a selection:

beaks for dogs

Beaks for Dogs. Is this the “Crocks” of dog muzzles? These dogs hate this. They have better taste than that.

dog hats

Knitted Hats for Dogs Do you think those dogs like those hats? No! Those dogs are wasted! If you want to make your dog happy, give them drugs, and then don’t dress them up in silly costumes. But what about cats?


DJ ScratchCat Turntable Scratching Post. Your cat would rather have a cardboard box to tear-up, but whatever. You’ve got $35 bucks to blow.

money to blow

There you have it folks:


Gift ideas for everyone on your Christmas gift list. Wake me when it’s over.

wake me when its over

Please Buy My New Book: On The Money: Economics for the 99%, How the Economy Works, and Why It Works Against You.

OTM ebook cover

At last, I am very pleased to announce the publication of my first book: On The Money: Economics for the 99% or, How The Economy Works and Why It Works Against You. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll remember On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a series of weekly essays that appeared here from 2011-13.


Besides offering a thought provoking, phenomenological analysis of our current economic system, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains some of my best and funniest writing. The fact that Savage Henry Magazine and Fifth Estate Magazine have both published essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series, should tell you that On The Money: Economics fro the 99% is both funny enough for stupid people and radical enough for smart people.


Essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series remain some of the most popular posts here at lygsbtd, and you can still find them highly ranked on my “most read” (“Stuff People Read”) section in the right-hand column. My new book, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains classics like:

classics like
Gilligan’s Island as Economic Metaphor
Barbie v Bratz
Hello, My Name is Civilization and I’m an Alcoholic
How To Party Now That the Party’s Over
Foie Gras
Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
along with 62 other great essays first published here. I’ve revised and updated them all, so they’re even funnier and more relevant than before. Even if you’ve already read all of these essays before, out of order, and over the course of three years, you haven’t seen the whole picture. You owe it to yourself to read the book in it’s completion. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

whole is greater

You owe it to me too! For three and a half years now I pour myself out for you. Every week, thousands of you come here for some little respite from your miserable lives. You slurp up whatever I have to offer, and then you slink away. Well it’s time to pay the piper!


What’s it worth to you folks?

worth it6

We’re only talking about $5 here! That works out to about 14 essays, or 14,000 carefully chosen words, for each dollar. That’s a hell of a bargain if you ask me, and you’ve had plenty of opportunity to sample the wares, so don’t tell me you’re not interested, because you’re here, for God’s sake.

you are here snake

Please, if my work means anything to you, and you want to see this blog continue, buy a copy of On The Money: Economics for the 99%. You won’t regret it. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is a great book. You’ll love reading it. I love reading it, and I hate to read. I guarantee that you will not find a more entertaining or informative book about economics anywhere, at any price.


You need to know this stuff. On The Money: Economics for the 99% examines our modern economy from the perspective of someone who has to live in it. This book explains how the economy consumes you, your world, and your future.

OTM gas flare

To save yourself, you need to know how the economy really works. Your future depends on it. I know you don’t want to think about it. That’s why I always look for the weird angle, and try to keep it playful. If you can laugh at it, you can beat it.

OTM ever wonder duck

Come on folks! I am your writer. I tell the truth, and I make it entertaining. You may not always agree with me. Hell, you may not ever agree with me, but something brings you back, week after week. Well, if you want to keep coming back, and finding new stuff here, show some appreciation for the three and a half years of my life I’ve already given you. Even if you can’t read, and just come here to look at the pictures,PLEASE, BUY MY FUCKING BOOK! It has a great cover!


I’m serious people! I need your help right now. $5 from you will make a huge impact on my life, and you’ll get a great 70,000 word ebook, that I put a hell of a lot of work into, to read at your leisure. Put it on your card, charge it to your pay pal account, however you want to do it is fine, just DO IT NOW!! Please.

OTM everyone buys it

And buy a copy for a friend. Surely you know someone who really needs to see things from a different perspective. Give On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a gift. Infect others with these ideas, don’t just let them fester inside your own head. On The Money: Economics for the 99% has the potential to change the economy, by changing the way people see it.

OTM because life

It’s going to take a movement folks, and the more people who read On The Money: Economics for the 99%, the faster that movement will grow. So, please, get the word, and spread the word. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is the book everyone must read today.

can u longgif

We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford

We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford


I gotta hang out with Rob Ford more. The mayor of Toronto knows how to party doesn’t he? I mean, all politicians drink; nothing surprising there, and I don’t blame them for it a bit. You have to drink to get through all of those meetings.


I’ve been to enough committee meetings, board meetings, public meetings, private meetings and conferences to know just how excruciatingly dull they can be. No one could survive them for long without anesthetic. Alcohol is the time tested prescription, and I mean alcohol, 80 proof minimum. Beer doesn’t cut it for public servants, but a few martinis gets the job done quickly, and without all those belches or trips to the bathroom.


Just last week, one of our local politicians, former County Supervisor Johanna Rodoni, got pulled over and cited for DUI after a meeting of the county fair board. Of course she was smashed! How else could she endure three hours of blah… blah… blah… about the goddamned county fair? The woman is not made of stone!

stoned woman

Not Johanna Rodoni

You cannot have government without alcohol. In fact, the two are codependent. Without government there’s no alcohol and without alcohol, there’s no government. Alcohol and government are both symptoms of a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle. When things have gotten so bad that armed men in uniform patrol your streets, detain people, and demand that you pay them off, you’re pretty well screwed. If you think that’s a good thing, you’re really screwed-up.


I call it “The Tyranny of Tedium”. If government were interesting or exciting, more people would pay attention to it. Politicians don’t want that. Politicians want want people to ignore what they do, and they do their best to bore the pants off of anyone who is paying attention. Then, at the end of the meeting, after the last concerned citizen has nodded off, they ram through the deal that siphons all the tax revenue into their pockets. For centuries, politicians have used alcohol to help them wait out the public and bore them into submission.


So, all politicians drink. That doesn’t make them fun to hang out with. In fact, sober or drunk, politicians are usually dull company. If they’ve become successful at the tyranny of tedium, it’s usually because they have a natural talent for inducing boredom in others. Government gives them the opportunity to capitalize on that gift. To compensate, politicians hire people to find them entertaining.

hire a hooker

Politicians and prostitutes go together like peanut butter and jelly. Politicians sell themselves all the time, so they have a lot in common with prostitutes, and really enjoy their company. For politicians, an afternoon spent sipping martinis with some high-priced prostitutes on a campaign donors yacht, really helps boost their morale, and reminds them why they decided to devote their lives to public service in the first place. So, they make sure to schedule these kinds of events periodically. I’m sure they find it entertaining, but that still doesn’t make them fun people to hang out with.

woman sipping martini

I can see why a politician would enjoy cocaine too. I’ll bet a lot of them do it, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard about one getting caught. Cocaine is so easy to conceal. You’d think Mayor Ford could manage to do it more discretely, but I can see why he would like it. I’ll bet cocaine makes sex with prostitutes even more fun, and it probably helps him keep his eyes open in the afternoons after those three martini lunches.

martinis and cocaine

Cocaine users tend to be kind of unstable though, and they usually crash and burn in pretty short order. It starts as a little gleam in the eye. Then it becomes a nervous tick. Pretty soon, they become disturbingly animated over some insignificant detail, and after that, it doesn’t take long before they come completely unglued. Sometimes that can be entertaining to watch, especially if you don’t care about the person, and don’t loan them any money.


I’ve never done much cocaine, myself. I tried it once or twice, and was not impressed. What did impress me, negatively, was the people I knew who did cocaine. While I generally like marijuana smokers, I have never cared much for cocaine users. I don’t know whether shallow, greedy, status-conscious, self-absorbed people tend to enjoy cocaine, or whether cocaine makes people shallow, greedy, status-conscious and self-absorbed, but I’ve found every cocaine user I’ve ever met, pretty much insufferable.


I actually learned to grow my own marijuana, just so I wouldn’t have to hang out with cocaine users. Too many marijuana dealers use the profits from their marijuana sales to buy cocaine, at least too many of mine did. So, as soon as I could (my freshman year in college), I started growing my own. I never sold much of it though, because in order to sell it, I would have to hang out with the same vapid, dipstick, cocaine using marijuana dealers that I was growing my own marijuana to avoid in the first place.

know your dealer

So, why do I think Rob Ford would be such a great guy to hang out with?  I really like Rob Ford’s honesty.  It’s so refreshing in a politician.  Now that he’s been caught, he wants to be out about it. He’s like “Look, I’m a politician. I drink like a fish. I have sex with prostitutes, and I like to do hard drugs too, but I’m not addicted, and I buy my own drugs.  I don’t mooch off of other people.  Sure, I get a little crazy every once in a while; what do you expect?  I’m a piss-drunk coke-fiend for Christ’s sake!   I’m still a good guy, and I’m still the guy you voted for.   I may not be perfect, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is who I am.    Please accept me as your mayor.”


I love it. I’m behind Mayor Rob Ford 100%. We need more politicians like Rob Ford. Politicians like Rob Ford actually make government interesting. If politicians like Rob Ford make government interesting enough, maybe people will wake up, and realize what a stupid idea it was in the first place.

government-a hell of a thing to do to your own kids

Every Day is Halloween in SoHum


Every Day is Halloween in SoHum


Tomorrow is Halloween, at least officially, but here in Southern Humboldt County, every day feels like Halloween. Silly costumes and cheesy decorations can’t compare with the scary stuff we contend with all the time here in SoHum. Here’s a sample:


Black Cats I don’t know why anyone would be afraid of a house-cat because of it’s color, whatever it was, but we do have some black cats around here that will make your heart stop. Mountain lions are scary enough, but in our forests, black, or melanistic mountain lions are fairly common. Of the three mountain lions that have crossed my path here in Humboldt, two of them were black, nose to tail. I saw one black mountain lion while walking on BLM land in the King Range and another ran across the road as I was driving through Honeydew.


Skeletons We have more skeletons around here than we have closets to stuff them into here in Humboldt County. If you wander around the hills of SoHum long enough, eventually you’re bound to discover some human remains. You might find a bloated corpse at the tide-line on the beach, a tennis shoe, with a foot still inside it sticking up out of the river bar, or a mauled and partially eaten limb abandoned by a bear in the woods. So many people go missing in Southern Humboldt every year that if you walk in the woods long enough, sooner or later you’ll find one, or become one.


Ghosts We have at least two ghosts in SoHum, and they are both the ghost of chance. That is, in our small rural community, we have two candidates who are both running for Congress, and each of them has a ghost of a chance of being elected. If you believe in ghosts, you might consider voting for Andy Caffrey or Dale*. There’s a scary thought.  *Dale works at Shop Smart in Redway, and has officially announced his candidacy.  I couldn’t find his last name anywhere, but if you live here, you know who I’m talking about.

caffrey joint-fix

Zombies Meth eats brains, leaving in its wake, toothless, hollow-eyed, walking corpses that wander the streets in search of…money… MONEY… MUST HAVE MONEY. This mindless quest for more money has infected almost everyone in SoHum, so the streets are full of zombies, but brains are hard to come by. Frankly, if people in SoHum had more brains, they wouldn’t need so much money, but try convincing a zombie of that.


Bats Nocturnal flying mammals that devour mosquitoes by the thousands are a real blessing here in SoHum. However the bats wielded by local townsfolk strike more than fear into the hearts of the poor and homeless.

bat upside down

Witches Humboldt County’s Wiccan community is responsible for cleaning up a stretch of Highway 101 North of Redcrest, and they have their own Spiritual Perspectives show on KMUD. Around here, witches are pretty mainstream.


Pumpkin-Headed Dummies What would Halloween be without Halloween dummies made of old clothes stuffed with fall leaves, with a jack-o-lantern perched on top for a head. We have a scary, empty-headed stuffed-shirt around here all the time. We call him Blake Lehman.

halloween dummy

Trick or Treat If you ate at Treats, you were probably tricked into it.


Bigfoot Sightings Sure, the famous Patterson-Gimlin film, regarded as the most convincing evidence of the existence of Bigfoot, was shot near Willow Creek on the other side of the county, but you can see large, hairy, odoriferous primates of unknown origin any day of the year in SoHum. On Wednesday mornings, you might just see one working on his blog.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt

Audience Participation Time


Audience Participation Time


Well it’s that time of year again, the time of year when the North Coast Journal asks its readers to vote for the “Best of Humboldt”. It’s also the time of year when I ask lygsbtd readers, whether they live in Humboldt Co. or not, and whether they read the North Coast Journal or not, to vote for this blog in the “Best Blog” category of the contest. This has always been a fun way to add a little audience participation to this little endeavor, and for the last two years, you, the readers of this blog, have swamped the North Coast Journal with enough votes that this blog has placed in the top 5 for two years running.


In past years, I always encouraged my readers to skip the rest of the categories. I asked you to scroll through the ballot until you got to the “Best Blog” category, type in “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, scroll through the rest of the ballot ’till you see the “Submit” button, click on it, and you’re done. Easy enough, and smart, because it’s so rare to find a business that doesn’t suck in Humboldt that trying to pick your favorites in a long list of categories gets depressing fast.


This year however, the NCJ has changed the rules. This year they are disqualifying any ballot that has votes in less than thirty categories. This makes the contest grossly unfair, overly burdensome, and undemocratic. The NCJ should be ashamed of themselves for their callous disregard for their reader’s time, energy and well being.

callous disregard

Trying to find thirty businesses in Humboldt County that don’t suck is a fool’s errand. Besides that, in this year’s survey, there is no category for “Best Blog”. This is an outrage! I realize that we have a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of the press in this country, but the NCJ has stepped over the line on this one. Far from conducting an impartial survey of their readers, this year’s “Best of” competition was clearly designed to help the NCJ target Humboldt County’s plethora of barely mediocre businesses for future ad revenue.

your ad hereyour ad hereyour ad hereadvertizing

Just check out the pathetic list of categories in this year’s contest. Only seven categories, out of 65 total ask about anything other than local businesses. “Best Vista” “Best Weekend Getaway” “Best Day Hike” “Best Day Trip With Kids”, “Best Place to Propose” and “Best Thing You Miss From Back in the Day”…you mean like, this contest before it sucked.


Really, the only good thing about Humboldt County is the natural environment. The big trees, the mountains, the fresh air and the undeveloped beaches make Humboldt County great. The cougars, the elk and the bears make Humboldt County exciting. The salmon, the otters, the ringtails and the fishers make Humboldt County amazing. The plovers, the owls and the murilets make Humboldt County irreplaceable. The pelicans, possums and porcupines make Humboldt County peculiar.


When was the last time you saw a porcupine in Humboldt County? Wouldn’t that brighten your day more than getting your nails done (real category: “Best Nail Artist”), or drinking a Bloody Mary at Happy Hour prices (real categories: “Best Bloody Mary” and “Best Happy Hour”)? If not, there’s something wrong with you. You should probably move to someplace where the closest thing to wildlife is the raccoons who live in the storm sewers, you cretan.

bloody nails

Speaking of “sewers”, lets look at some of the other stupid categories the NCJ has asked its readers to vote on:

stupid Categories

“Best Bank/Credit Union” Who likes their bank these days? Even at the best of times, no one gets excited about their bank, and these are far from the best of times for bank popularity. Sure, maybe I hate my credit union less than I despise Bank of America, but that’s like asking who is my favorite fascist, Hitler or Mussolini. Speaking of fascists, check out this next real category:

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist? You've got to go with Hitler, right?

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist?
You’ve got to go with Hitler, right?

“Best Cop” All cops suck, and Humboldt County has some of the suckiest scum in uniform. Do you want to vote for the cop who shot the unarmed teenager to death, or do you want to vote for the cop who murdered the mentally ill woman in her own home, or perhaps you prefer the ones who swabbed pepper spray in non-violent protesters eyes? Maybe you like your parole officer, or the cop who lied on the witness stand to get you convicted in the first place. So many to choose from, how will you ever decide?

swab pepper spray

What’s next, “Best Contagious Disease”, “Best Mold Strain” or “Best Tick”?

I like the little one best.

I like the little one best.

This year’s “Best of” survey has fourteen categories for restaurants. I can’t think of seven Humboldt County restaurants I even like. The only restaurant category that has any real competition, in my opinion, is (believe it or not, this is a real category) “Best Last Meal in Humboldt”. I can think of at least ten restaurants I’ve eaten at in Humboldt County that made me wish I were dead, but I sure wouldn’t recommend them to a condemned man.

condemned man humboldt county

Here’s another category with plenty of competition:

“Best Thing to Bitch About in Humboldt County” Humboldt county has such an abundance of stuff to bitch about. Whether it’s the corrupt county government, the crooked, violent cops, greedy dope yuppies, sleazy landlords, real-estate agents and land developers, the stupid people and their ugly vicious dogs, lousy drivers, terrible restaurants, bloated non-profits, inflated property values, overpriced gasoline, ripoff grocery stores, not to mention worthless newspapers, we’ve certainly got plenty to bitch about in Humboldt County.

complain about

So, this year I ask you to join me in showing your contempt for the North Coast Journal’s crass attempt to use it’s readers to seduce new advertisers, by voting for this blog, “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, in every single category. Show the NCJ that you are not taken in by their sleazy ploy, and that you have great taste in reading material, by voting for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “The Best in Humboldt” for every single stupid category.

love vote ncj

If, by some chance, you do have a favorite among their stupid categories, don’t waste your time trying to find twenty-nine other businesses you can recommend. That will only disgust and depress you. Instead, just vote for “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” in all of the other categories. That way, your one real vote will count, despite their ridiculous new rule. Don’t let the NCJ’s stupid categories and silly rules dissuade you from showing your support for the biting criticism, sardonic sarcasm and occasional humor that you get from reading “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”. Cast 65 votes for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ’s “Best of Humboldt” survey this year.

best of humboldt meilke

I’ll make it easy form you. Here’s the text to copy:

Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

…and here’s a link to the ballot:

North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” survey ballot

Now click on the link and paste the text into each of the 65 categories. Then click on the button marked “Submit” and you’re done. You’ll be glad you did (and so will I).

youll be glad

Thank you!


Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

labor of love

Well Spring is almost here, which means that all over Humboldt County, marijuana farmers are incredibly busy preparing to grow even more marijuana than they did last year. Even as you read this piece, most of them are hard at work building new greenhouses, clearing more forest land, putting in new water tanks and digging gigantic holes all over the countryside.digging_hole

This process involves hundreds of thousands of man-hours of backbreaking labor and requires millions of dollars in capital investment.


This capital comes almost entirely from the sale of last year’s record setting marijuana harvest. Since most of last year’s marijuana harvest has not sold yet, this investment cuts deeply into the grower’s disposable income. Few feel the pinch however, as they will have little time or energy to do anything else for a few months, but prepare for this year’s grow.

 tired kid

Why do they do it? So they don’t have to get a job, of course. Who wants to work for a living when you can grow marijuana, right? You’d think, but you’d be wrong. In Humboldt County, growing marijuana is a labor of love, crazy love.

 crazy love

Soon thousands of tractor trailers full of potting soil will clog our roads as they make their way into the hills to fill the millions of holes these growers have so diligently dug.

truck clogging dirt road

Every year, Humboldt County’s garden supply stores comb the nation for another sparsely populated and poorly guarded county that they can steal. They then dig up the entire county in the dead of night, pack it into bags labeled “Potting Soil” and smuggle it back to Humboldt County where they quickly sell it off on a strictly cash basis to Humboldt County marijuana farmers.

 sacks of soil

Somewhere in Wyoming, or perhaps North Dakota, one morning soon, the citizens of this unfortunate county will step off their front porch on their way to work, only to fall several feet, smack into the bedrock below. They will look up to see their home delicately balanced on jacks and cinder blocks, and realize that their entire lawn, and the soil which once supported the foundation of their homes, has been stolen overnight while they slept.

 truckload of soil

For them, it will already be too late. Their county has already been sold, distributed, and secreted away behind locked gates, where it will remain, protected by a constitutionally guaranteed right of privacy. Besides, few of them could positively identify the soil from under their own homes, especially now that it has been thoroughly sifted and blended with a myriad of exotic amendments.

 organic soil amendments

If you visit any of Humboldt County’s garden supply stores, you will find an amazing array of colorfully packaged, and even more colorfully named, fertilizers and soil amendments ranging from liquified fish guts from Alaska’s salmon canneries to ancient fossilized bat guano from caves deep within the jungles of Peru. Most Humboldt County garden shops also offer their own brands of fertilizers that they make on site, mostly from composted US currency.

 composted currency

Many of these fertilizers and soil amendments feature cheeky pin-up girls on the labels. This feature, along with the fact that these products sell for more per pound than fresh organic strawberries in January, indicate that these products are intended for use on marijuana plants. Only female marijuana plants produce marijuana, and marijuana growers often refer to their plants as “their ladies”.


You’ll often hear marijuana farmers say things like: “My ladies are lookin’ fine.” or “I take care of my ladies, and my ladies take care of me.” or “I need to to get home and hoe my ladies.” This makes them sound more like pimps than farmers, and greatly contributes to the general classiness of Humboldt County.


Can you imagine other kinds of farmers talking this way about their crops? Picture a dairy farmer saying “My ladies give me the sweetest cream.” or a broccoli farmer saying “This heat is gonna make my ladies bolt.” or a cabbage farmer saying “My ladies are full of horn-worms.” Creepy, huh?

 pimp tractor

All of this talk about their “ladies” belies the fact that most marijuana farmers are single and live alone. Growing marijuana in a remote, sparsely populated rural area like Humboldt County is a very lonely and isolating profession that tends to attract social misfits and people with self-alienating personalities.

 social misfit warning

The more lonely and isolated the marijuana farmer becomes, the more they tend to talk to, get naked around, and masturbate in front of, their “ladies”, often while looking at the pictures on boxes of fertilizer. This kind of “intimacy” with “their ladies”, coupled with an otherwise isolated existence builds a special kind of relationship between the cultivator and the cultivated that most other farmers, or sane people would not understand.

mykol blackwell green checco

Original Artwork by Mykol Blackwell

Soon, the marijuana farmer no longer grows marijuana to make money, and instead, makes money to grow marijuana. For these people, nothing is too good for “their ladies”, and they cannot have enough of them. They work harder, and spend more money to pamper “their ladies” than any sane farmer. This is the real reason why Humboldt County marijuana growers produce the best marijuana in the world, and more of it than any place else on Earth.


Over the years, because of their extreme devotion and isolation, many Humboldt County marijuana growers have gone totally bat-shit crazy, and fallen in love with “their ladies” in this way. This is why they work so hard, and spend so much money on, “their ladies”.  Every year, more of them go “over the edge”, and every year this “crazy love” impacts our forest habitat more intensely.

 large humboldt grow

large grows destroy forest

Personally, I enjoy smoking marijuana, and strongly believe it should be legalized, so that sane farmers, with tractors, and flat land to till, can grow it economically.

farmer on tractor

I also know that marijuana provides relief for millions of sick people who should have unfettered access to it, at the lowest price possible, but I also care about this community.

i care

That’s why I feel that something must be done to stop Humboldt County’s marijuana farmers before it’s too late. It has become clear to me, that nothing short of intervention, can save these poor souls, and our natural environment from this serious mental disorder.

gone crazy

The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

 bob mckee

I heard Dennis Huber interview Bob McKee this morning on KMUD’s Monday Morning Magazine show. I listened mainly because Bob McKee sounded so much like Bobcat Goldthwait. I thought, “Man if anyone can make real-estate law funny, it’s Bobcat”, but the punchlines never came.

 bobcat goldthwait

No, the joke was on me. I was listening to the desperate, quavering voice of a millionaire real-estate developer, whining about the fact that he broke the law, then fought the county in court, at tremendous expense to the taxpayers of Humboldt County, and lost. Now he hopes to drum up a wave of popular sympathy that he can use to force the county to let him off the hook.

 off the hook bail bonds

I’ve heard Bob Mckee interviewed at length on KMUD, at least half-a-dozen times, but I never noticed how much he sounded like Bobcat, until today. Thanks to all of these shows, I know more than I ever wanted to know about The Williamson Act, the law Bobcat violated. It sounds like a stupid law, but it only applies to landowners with large rural holdings, totaling, what, 1% of the total population of Humboldt County?

 1 percent burns

Well, Bob, we have a lot of stupid laws in Humboldt County. Most of them only apply to poor people. Poor people get punished for violating stupid laws in this county, every hour of every day. Poor people get punished in this county, even when they haven’t violated any stupid laws, and the county gets away with it, because poor people don’t have six million dollars to spend on their own defense. I wonder why we don’t hear much about those people on KMUD.

 1 percent problems

Personally, I’m glad the county spent six million dollars of the taxpayers money to prosecute Bobcat, and I want them to spend whatever it takes to punish him for his stupid Williamson Act violations. I hope they seize all of his property, demolish his home, take his kids away from him and throw him in jail for it, just like they do to poor people around here every day. It would reassure me greatly to know that we have injustice for the rich, as well as the poor here in Humboldt County.

 cops beating w nightstick

While I have learned a lot about the stupid Williamson Act, thanks to all of the in-depth interviews on KMUD, and full page ads in our local papers, I haven’t seen anything that leads me to believe that Bob McKee did not violate the law. For all of your high profile, mostly bought and paid for, media coverage, Bob, you really haven’t made your case very effectively.

I know that Bob McKee has a lot of friends down here in SoHum. Every blood-sucking dope-yuppie around here talks about Bob McKee in glowing terms, because he sold them logged-over timber land at a price almost anyone could afford, and they got rich off of that land by flouting the law. Now Bob seems to be saying, “Hey, I helped you get rich off of your criminal behavior, now come help me get rich off of mine.”

 criminal behavior

It really amazes me how many of KMUD’s programmers have answered Bobcat’s call to action. Bud Rogers even immortalized Bob McKee in a song. That’s how fucking sick we are down here in SoHum. We sing folk songs about real-estate developers. Can you imagine Bob Dylan singing about a real-estate developer?

Ol’ Bob, he knew how to cut parcels in two.

He sold half to me and he sold half to you

The county, it said he had broken a rule

He spent six million fighting them just like a fool.

Now he wants you to come out and stand by his side

But I think they should just take it out of his hide.”


Those aren’t the lyrics to Bud Rogers’ song, but you can imaging Bob Dylan singing them, at least I can. Musicians should save their folk songs for people who can’t afford to hire their own jingle writers. Really, artists need all of the paid work they can get.

 jingle writer

I know Bob McKee donates a lot to KMUD. I mean, it’s pretty widely known, and I have been there at the pledge drive when Bob McKee stopped by to make a donation (and talk about his case, incidentally), but the fact was not mentioned on Monday Morning Magazine.


Dennis followed his half-hour interview with Bobcat, by badgering Humboldt County Supervisor, Mark Lovelace, with a bunch of loaded questions about, you guessed it, Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case, as though Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case was the biggest scandal in the county’s history.

 bob mckee tooby ranch

Bob McKee never made me a great deal on a piece of land, nor has he donated money to support this blog. No, my opinion of Bob McKee was forged when I heard him say, on KMUD, in an interview with Bud Rogers: “Well, you know, there’s a lot of poor people around here these days. I can’t do anything about that. I hate to tell people what they’ll have to pay for a piece of land these days.”


Guess what, Bobcat. I’d love to want to care about your stupid lawsuit, but we have a lot of stupid laws here in Humboldt County, and we have a corrupt, brutal and abusive county government. The streets of Humboldt County are full of victims of injustice and abuse, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d hate to tell you what I’d charge to write you a catchy jingle.

worlds smallest violin


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