Category Archives: Satire

We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford

We Need More Politicians Like Rob Ford

rob-ford-smoking-crack

I gotta hang out with Rob Ford more. The mayor of Toronto knows how to party doesn’t he? I mean, all politicians drink; nothing surprising there, and I don’t blame them for it a bit. You have to drink to get through all of those meetings.

politicians-drinking-

I’ve been to enough committee meetings, board meetings, public meetings, private meetings and conferences to know just how excruciatingly dull they can be. No one could survive them for long without anesthetic. Alcohol is the time tested prescription, and I mean alcohol, 80 proof minimum. Beer doesn’t cut it for public servants, but a few martinis gets the job done quickly, and without all those belches or trips to the bathroom.

Dry_Martini

Just last week, one of our local politicians, former County Supervisor Johanna Rodoni, got pulled over and cited for DUI after a meeting of the county fair board. Of course she was smashed! How else could she endure three hours of blah… blah… blah… about the goddamned county fair? The woman is not made of stone!

stoned woman

Not Johanna Rodoni

You cannot have government without alcohol. In fact, the two are codependent. Without government there’s no alcohol and without alcohol, there’s no government. Alcohol and government are both symptoms of a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle. When things have gotten so bad that armed men in uniform patrol your streets, detain people, and demand that you pay them off, you’re pretty well screwed. If you think that’s a good thing, you’re really screwed-up.

cops_brutal

I call it “The Tyranny of Tedium”. If government were interesting or exciting, more people would pay attention to it. Politicians don’t want that. Politicians want want people to ignore what they do, and they do their best to bore the pants off of anyone who is paying attention. Then, at the end of the meeting, after the last concerned citizen has nodded off, they ram through the deal that siphons all the tax revenue into their pockets. For centuries, politicians have used alcohol to help them wait out the public and bore them into submission.

boring-meeting

So, all politicians drink. That doesn’t make them fun to hang out with. In fact, sober or drunk, politicians are usually dull company. If they’ve become successful at the tyranny of tedium, it’s usually because they have a natural talent for inducing boredom in others. Government gives them the opportunity to capitalize on that gift. To compensate, politicians hire people to find them entertaining.

hire a hooker

Politicians and prostitutes go together like peanut butter and jelly. Politicians sell themselves all the time, so they have a lot in common with prostitutes, and really enjoy their company. For politicians, an afternoon spent sipping martinis with some high-priced prostitutes on a campaign donors yacht, really helps boost their morale, and reminds them why they decided to devote their lives to public service in the first place. So, they make sure to schedule these kinds of events periodically. I’m sure they find it entertaining, but that still doesn’t make them fun people to hang out with.

woman sipping martini

I can see why a politician would enjoy cocaine too. I’ll bet a lot of them do it, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard about one getting caught. Cocaine is so easy to conceal. You’d think Mayor Ford could manage to do it more discretely, but I can see why he would like it. I’ll bet cocaine makes sex with prostitutes even more fun, and it probably helps him keep his eyes open in the afternoons after those three martini lunches.

martinis and cocaine

Cocaine users tend to be kind of unstable though, and they usually crash and burn in pretty short order. It starts as a little gleam in the eye. Then it becomes a nervous tick. Pretty soon, they become disturbingly animated over some insignificant detail, and after that, it doesn’t take long before they come completely unglued. Sometimes that can be entertaining to watch, especially if you don’t care about the person, and don’t loan them any money.

coke_cat_freak

I’ve never done much cocaine, myself. I tried it once or twice, and was not impressed. What did impress me, negatively, was the people I knew who did cocaine. While I generally like marijuana smokers, I have never cared much for cocaine users. I don’t know whether shallow, greedy, status-conscious, self-absorbed people tend to enjoy cocaine, or whether cocaine makes people shallow, greedy, status-conscious and self-absorbed, but I’ve found every cocaine user I’ve ever met, pretty much insufferable.

insufferable

I actually learned to grow my own marijuana, just so I wouldn’t have to hang out with cocaine users. Too many marijuana dealers use the profits from their marijuana sales to buy cocaine, at least too many of mine did. So, as soon as I could (my freshman year in college), I started growing my own. I never sold much of it though, because in order to sell it, I would have to hang out with the same vapid, dipstick, cocaine using marijuana dealers that I was growing my own marijuana to avoid in the first place.

know your dealer

So, why do I think Rob Ford would be such a great guy to hang out with?  I really like Rob Ford’s honesty.  It’s so refreshing in a politician.  Now that he’s been caught, he wants to be out about it. He’s like “Look, I’m a politician. I drink like a fish. I have sex with prostitutes, and I like to do hard drugs too, but I’m not addicted, and I buy my own drugs.  I don’t mooch off of other people.  Sure, I get a little crazy every once in a while; what do you expect?  I’m a piss-drunk coke-fiend for Christ’s sake!   I’m still a good guy, and I’m still the guy you voted for.   I may not be perfect, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is who I am.    Please accept me as your mayor.”

Ford-hood

I love it. I’m behind Mayor Rob Ford 100%. We need more politicians like Rob Ford. Politicians like Rob Ford actually make government interesting. If politicians like Rob Ford make government interesting enough, maybe people will wake up, and realize what a stupid idea it was in the first place.

government-a hell of a thing to do to your own kids


Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

 

Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

joel-cartoon-halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween, at least officially, but here in Southern Humboldt County, every day feels like Halloween. Silly costumes and cheesy decorations can’t compare with the scary stuff we contend with all the time here in SoHum. Here’s a sample:

carpathian

Black Cats I don’t know why anyone would be afraid of a house-cat because of it’s color, whatever it was, but we do have some black cats around here that will make your heart stop. Mountain lions are scary enough, but in our forests, black, or melanistic mountain lions are fairly common. Of the three mountain lions that have crossed my path here in Humboldt, two of them were black, nose to tail. I saw one black mountain lion while walking on BLM land in the King Range and another ran across the road as I was driving through Honeydew.

NHP-ARO001849A

Skeletons We have more skeletons around here than we have closets to stuff them into here in Humboldt County. If you wander around the hills of SoHum long enough, eventually you’re bound to discover some human remains. You might find a bloated corpse at the tide-line on the beach, a tennis shoe, with a foot still inside it sticking up out of the river bar, or a mauled and partially eaten limb abandoned by a bear in the woods. So many people go missing in Southern Humboldt every year that if you walk in the woods long enough, sooner or later you’ll find one, or become one.

skeleton-and-crow

Ghosts We have at least two ghosts in SoHum, and they are both the ghost of chance. That is, in our small rural community, we have two candidates who are both running for Congress, and each of them has a ghost of a chance of being elected. If you believe in ghosts, you might consider voting for Andy Caffrey or Dale*. There’s a scary thought.  *Dale works at Shop Smart in Redway, and has officially announced his candidacy.  I couldn’t find his last name anywhere, but if you live here, you know who I’m talking about.

caffrey joint-fix

Zombies Meth eats brains, leaving in its wake, toothless, hollow-eyed, walking corpses that wander the streets in search of…money… MONEY… MUST HAVE MONEY. This mindless quest for more money has infected almost everyone in SoHum, so the streets are full of zombies, but brains are hard to come by. Frankly, if people in SoHum had more brains, they wouldn’t need so much money, but try convincing a zombie of that.

zombies-money

Bats Nocturnal flying mammals that devour mosquitoes by the thousands are a real blessing here in SoHum. However the bats wielded by local townsfolk strike more than fear into the hearts of the poor and homeless.

bat upside down

Witches Humboldt County’s Wiccan community is responsible for cleaning up a stretch of Highway 101 North of Redcrest, and they have their own Spiritual Perspectives show on KMUD. Around here, witches are pretty mainstream.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Pumpkin-Headed Dummies What would Halloween be without Halloween dummies made of old clothes stuffed with fall leaves, with a jack-o-lantern perched on top for a head. We have a scary, empty-headed stuffed-shirt around here all the time. We call him Blake Lehman.

halloween dummy

Trick or Treat If you ate at Treats, you were probably tricked into it.

Treats

Bigfoot Sightings Sure, the famous Patterson-Gimlin film, regarded as the most convincing evidence of the existence of Bigfoot, was shot near Willow Creek on the other side of the county, but you can see large, hairy, odoriferous primates of unknown origin any day of the year in SoHum. On Wednesday mornings, you might just see one working on his blog.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt


Audience Participation Time

 

Audience Participation Time

AudienceParticipation

Well it’s that time of year again, the time of year when the North Coast Journal asks its readers to vote for the “Best of Humboldt”. It’s also the time of year when I ask lygsbtd readers, whether they live in Humboldt Co. or not, and whether they read the North Coast Journal or not, to vote for this blog in the “Best Blog” category of the contest. This has always been a fun way to add a little audience participation to this little endeavor, and for the last two years, you, the readers of this blog, have swamped the North Coast Journal with enough votes that this blog has placed in the top 5 for two years running.

MISS USA 2009 COMPETITION

In past years, I always encouraged my readers to skip the rest of the categories. I asked you to scroll through the ballot until you got to the “Best Blog” category, type in “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, scroll through the rest of the ballot ’till you see the “Submit” button, click on it, and you’re done. Easy enough, and smart, because it’s so rare to find a business that doesn’t suck in Humboldt that trying to pick your favorites in a long list of categories gets depressing fast.

Disney_Gets_Depressing_

This year however, the NCJ has changed the rules. This year they are disqualifying any ballot that has votes in less than thirty categories. This makes the contest grossly unfair, overly burdensome, and undemocratic. The NCJ should be ashamed of themselves for their callous disregard for their reader’s time, energy and well being.

callous disregard

Trying to find thirty businesses in Humboldt County that don’t suck is a fool’s errand. Besides that, in this year’s survey, there is no category for “Best Blog”. This is an outrage! I realize that we have a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of the press in this country, but the NCJ has stepped over the line on this one. Far from conducting an impartial survey of their readers, this year’s “Best of” competition was clearly designed to help the NCJ target Humboldt County’s plethora of barely mediocre businesses for future ad revenue.

your ad hereyour ad hereyour ad hereadvertizing

Just check out the pathetic list of categories in this year’s contest. Only seven categories, out of 65 total ask about anything other than local businesses. “Best Vista” “Best Weekend Getaway” “Best Day Hike” “Best Day Trip With Kids”, “Best Place to Propose” and “Best Thing You Miss From Back in the Day”…you mean like, this contest before it sucked.

sucked

Really, the only good thing about Humboldt County is the natural environment. The big trees, the mountains, the fresh air and the undeveloped beaches make Humboldt County great. The cougars, the elk and the bears make Humboldt County exciting. The salmon, the otters, the ringtails and the fishers make Humboldt County amazing. The plovers, the owls and the murilets make Humboldt County irreplaceable. The pelicans, possums and porcupines make Humboldt County peculiar.

porcupine

When was the last time you saw a porcupine in Humboldt County? Wouldn’t that brighten your day more than getting your nails done (real category: “Best Nail Artist”), or drinking a Bloody Mary at Happy Hour prices (real categories: “Best Bloody Mary” and “Best Happy Hour”)? If not, there’s something wrong with you. You should probably move to someplace where the closest thing to wildlife is the raccoons who live in the storm sewers, you cretan.

bloody nails

Speaking of “sewers”, lets look at some of the other stupid categories the NCJ has asked its readers to vote on:

stupid Categories

“Best Bank/Credit Union” Who likes their bank these days? Even at the best of times, no one gets excited about their bank, and these are far from the best of times for bank popularity. Sure, maybe I hate my credit union less than I despise Bank of America, but that’s like asking who is my favorite fascist, Hitler or Mussolini. Speaking of fascists, check out this next real category:

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist? You've got to go with Hitler, right?

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist?
You’ve got to go with Hitler, right?

“Best Cop” All cops suck, and Humboldt County has some of the suckiest scum in uniform. Do you want to vote for the cop who shot the unarmed teenager to death, or do you want to vote for the cop who murdered the mentally ill woman in her own home, or perhaps you prefer the ones who swabbed pepper spray in non-violent protesters eyes? Maybe you like your parole officer, or the cop who lied on the witness stand to get you convicted in the first place. So many to choose from, how will you ever decide?

swab pepper spray

What’s next, “Best Contagious Disease”, “Best Mold Strain” or “Best Tick”?

I like the little one best.

I like the little one best.

This year’s “Best of” survey has fourteen categories for restaurants. I can’t think of seven Humboldt County restaurants I even like. The only restaurant category that has any real competition, in my opinion, is (believe it or not, this is a real category) “Best Last Meal in Humboldt”. I can think of at least ten restaurants I’ve eaten at in Humboldt County that made me wish I were dead, but I sure wouldn’t recommend them to a condemned man.

condemned man humboldt county

Here’s another category with plenty of competition:

“Best Thing to Bitch About in Humboldt County” Humboldt county has such an abundance of stuff to bitch about. Whether it’s the corrupt county government, the crooked, violent cops, greedy dope yuppies, sleazy landlords, real-estate agents and land developers, the stupid people and their ugly vicious dogs, lousy drivers, terrible restaurants, bloated non-profits, inflated property values, overpriced gasoline, ripoff grocery stores, not to mention worthless newspapers, we’ve certainly got plenty to bitch about in Humboldt County.

complain about

So, this year I ask you to join me in showing your contempt for the North Coast Journal’s crass attempt to use it’s readers to seduce new advertisers, by voting for this blog, “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, in every single category. Show the NCJ that you are not taken in by their sleazy ploy, and that you have great taste in reading material, by voting for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “The Best in Humboldt” for every single stupid category.

love vote ncj

If, by some chance, you do have a favorite among their stupid categories, don’t waste your time trying to find twenty-nine other businesses you can recommend. That will only disgust and depress you. Instead, just vote for “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” in all of the other categories. That way, your one real vote will count, despite their ridiculous new rule. Don’t let the NCJ’s stupid categories and silly rules dissuade you from showing your support for the biting criticism, sardonic sarcasm and occasional humor that you get from reading “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”. Cast 65 votes for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ’s “Best of Humboldt” survey this year.

best of humboldt meilke

I’ll make it easy form you. Here’s the text to copy:

Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

…and here’s a link to the ballot:

North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” survey ballot

Now click on the link and paste the text into each of the 65 categories. Then click on the button marked “Submit” and you’re done. You’ll be glad you did (and so will I).

youll be glad

Thank you!

thank-you-funny-memes-images-fun-bajiroo-pictures-thankyou-again1


Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

labor of love

Well Spring is almost here, which means that all over Humboldt County, marijuana farmers are incredibly busy preparing to grow even more marijuana than they did last year. Even as you read this piece, most of them are hard at work building new greenhouses, clearing more forest land, putting in new water tanks and digging gigantic holes all over the countryside.digging_hole

This process involves hundreds of thousands of man-hours of backbreaking labor and requires millions of dollars in capital investment.

 money-tree-

This capital comes almost entirely from the sale of last year’s record setting marijuana harvest. Since most of last year’s marijuana harvest has not sold yet, this investment cuts deeply into the grower’s disposable income. Few feel the pinch however, as they will have little time or energy to do anything else for a few months, but prepare for this year’s grow.

 tired kid

Why do they do it? So they don’t have to get a job, of course. Who wants to work for a living when you can grow marijuana, right? You’d think, but you’d be wrong. In Humboldt County, growing marijuana is a labor of love, crazy love.

 crazy love

Soon thousands of tractor trailers full of potting soil will clog our roads as they make their way into the hills to fill the millions of holes these growers have so diligently dug.

truck clogging dirt road

Every year, Humboldt County’s garden supply stores comb the nation for another sparsely populated and poorly guarded county that they can steal. They then dig up the entire county in the dead of night, pack it into bags labeled “Potting Soil” and smuggle it back to Humboldt County where they quickly sell it off on a strictly cash basis to Humboldt County marijuana farmers.

 sacks of soil

Somewhere in Wyoming, or perhaps North Dakota, one morning soon, the citizens of this unfortunate county will step off their front porch on their way to work, only to fall several feet, smack into the bedrock below. They will look up to see their home delicately balanced on jacks and cinder blocks, and realize that their entire lawn, and the soil which once supported the foundation of their homes, has been stolen overnight while they slept.

 truckload of soil

For them, it will already be too late. Their county has already been sold, distributed, and secreted away behind locked gates, where it will remain, protected by a constitutionally guaranteed right of privacy. Besides, few of them could positively identify the soil from under their own homes, especially now that it has been thoroughly sifted and blended with a myriad of exotic amendments.

 organic soil amendments

If you visit any of Humboldt County’s garden supply stores, you will find an amazing array of colorfully packaged, and even more colorfully named, fertilizers and soil amendments ranging from liquified fish guts from Alaska’s salmon canneries to ancient fossilized bat guano from caves deep within the jungles of Peru. Most Humboldt County garden shops also offer their own brands of fertilizers that they make on site, mostly from composted US currency.

 composted currency

Many of these fertilizers and soil amendments feature cheeky pin-up girls on the labels. This feature, along with the fact that these products sell for more per pound than fresh organic strawberries in January, indicate that these products are intended for use on marijuana plants. Only female marijuana plants produce marijuana, and marijuana growers often refer to their plants as “their ladies”.

 Wet-Betty-Organic-500x500

You’ll often hear marijuana farmers say things like: “My ladies are lookin’ fine.” or “I take care of my ladies, and my ladies take care of me.” or “I need to to get home and hoe my ladies.” This makes them sound more like pimps than farmers, and greatly contributes to the general classiness of Humboldt County.

 pimp1

Can you imagine other kinds of farmers talking this way about their crops? Picture a dairy farmer saying “My ladies give me the sweetest cream.” or a broccoli farmer saying “This heat is gonna make my ladies bolt.” or a cabbage farmer saying “My ladies are full of horn-worms.” Creepy, huh?

 pimp tractor

All of this talk about their “ladies” belies the fact that most marijuana farmers are single and live alone. Growing marijuana in a remote, sparsely populated rural area like Humboldt County is a very lonely and isolating profession that tends to attract social misfits and people with self-alienating personalities.

 social misfit warning

The more lonely and isolated the marijuana farmer becomes, the more they tend to talk to, get naked around, and masturbate in front of, their “ladies”, often while looking at the pictures on boxes of fertilizer. This kind of “intimacy” with “their ladies”, coupled with an otherwise isolated existence builds a special kind of relationship between the cultivator and the cultivated that most other farmers, or sane people would not understand.

mykol blackwell green checco

Original Artwork by Mykol Blackwell

Soon, the marijuana farmer no longer grows marijuana to make money, and instead, makes money to grow marijuana. For these people, nothing is too good for “their ladies”, and they cannot have enough of them. They work harder, and spend more money to pamper “their ladies” than any sane farmer. This is the real reason why Humboldt County marijuana growers produce the best marijuana in the world, and more of it than any place else on Earth.

 local_pot_GALLERY

Over the years, because of their extreme devotion and isolation, many Humboldt County marijuana growers have gone totally bat-shit crazy, and fallen in love with “their ladies” in this way. This is why they work so hard, and spend so much money on, “their ladies”.  Every year, more of them go “over the edge”, and every year this “crazy love” impacts our forest habitat more intensely.

 large humboldt grow

large grows destroy forest

Personally, I enjoy smoking marijuana, and strongly believe it should be legalized, so that sane farmers, with tractors, and flat land to till, can grow it economically.

farmer on tractor

I also know that marijuana provides relief for millions of sick people who should have unfettered access to it, at the lowest price possible, but I also care about this community.

i care

That’s why I feel that something must be done to stop Humboldt County’s marijuana farmers before it’s too late. It has become clear to me, that nothing short of intervention, can save these poor souls, and our natural environment from this serious mental disorder.

gone crazy


The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

 bob mckee

I heard Dennis Huber interview Bob McKee this morning on KMUD’s Monday Morning Magazine show. I listened mainly because Bob McKee sounded so much like Bobcat Goldthwait. I thought, “Man if anyone can make real-estate law funny, it’s Bobcat”, but the punchlines never came.

 bobcat goldthwait

No, the joke was on me. I was listening to the desperate, quavering voice of a millionaire real-estate developer, whining about the fact that he broke the law, then fought the county in court, at tremendous expense to the taxpayers of Humboldt County, and lost. Now he hopes to drum up a wave of popular sympathy that he can use to force the county to let him off the hook.

 off the hook bail bonds

I’ve heard Bob Mckee interviewed at length on KMUD, at least half-a-dozen times, but I never noticed how much he sounded like Bobcat, until today. Thanks to all of these shows, I know more than I ever wanted to know about The Williamson Act, the law Bobcat violated. It sounds like a stupid law, but it only applies to landowners with large rural holdings, totaling, what, 1% of the total population of Humboldt County?

 1 percent burns

Well, Bob, we have a lot of stupid laws in Humboldt County. Most of them only apply to poor people. Poor people get punished for violating stupid laws in this county, every hour of every day. Poor people get punished in this county, even when they haven’t violated any stupid laws, and the county gets away with it, because poor people don’t have six million dollars to spend on their own defense. I wonder why we don’t hear much about those people on KMUD.

 1 percent problems

Personally, I’m glad the county spent six million dollars of the taxpayers money to prosecute Bobcat, and I want them to spend whatever it takes to punish him for his stupid Williamson Act violations. I hope they seize all of his property, demolish his home, take his kids away from him and throw him in jail for it, just like they do to poor people around here every day. It would reassure me greatly to know that we have injustice for the rich, as well as the poor here in Humboldt County.

 cops beating w nightstick

While I have learned a lot about the stupid Williamson Act, thanks to all of the in-depth interviews on KMUD, and full page ads in our local papers, I haven’t seen anything that leads me to believe that Bob McKee did not violate the law. For all of your high profile, mostly bought and paid for, media coverage, Bob, you really haven’t made your case very effectively.

 make.your.case.

I know that Bob McKee has a lot of friends down here in SoHum. Every blood-sucking dope-yuppie around here talks about Bob McKee in glowing terms, because he sold them logged-over timber land at a price almost anyone could afford, and they got rich off of that land by flouting the law. Now Bob seems to be saying, “Hey, I helped you get rich off of your criminal behavior, now come help me get rich off of mine.”

 criminal behavior

It really amazes me how many of KMUD’s programmers have answered Bobcat’s call to action. Bud Rogers even immortalized Bob McKee in a song. That’s how fucking sick we are down here in SoHum. We sing folk songs about real-estate developers. Can you imagine Bob Dylan singing about a real-estate developer?

Ol’ Bob, he knew how to cut parcels in two.

He sold half to me and he sold half to you

The county, it said he had broken a rule

He spent six million fighting them just like a fool.

Now he wants you to come out and stand by his side

But I think they should just take it out of his hide.”

bob_dylan

Those aren’t the lyrics to Bud Rogers’ song, but you can imaging Bob Dylan singing them, at least I can. Musicians should save their folk songs for people who can’t afford to hire their own jingle writers. Really, artists need all of the paid work they can get.

 jingle writer

I know Bob McKee donates a lot to KMUD. I mean, it’s pretty widely known, and I have been there at the pledge drive when Bob McKee stopped by to make a donation (and talk about his case, incidentally), but the fact was not mentioned on Monday Morning Magazine.

 kmud

Dennis followed his half-hour interview with Bobcat, by badgering Humboldt County Supervisor, Mark Lovelace, with a bunch of loaded questions about, you guessed it, Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case, as though Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case was the biggest scandal in the county’s history.

 bob mckee tooby ranch

Bob McKee never made me a great deal on a piece of land, nor has he donated money to support this blog. No, my opinion of Bob McKee was forged when I heard him say, on KMUD, in an interview with Bud Rogers: “Well, you know, there’s a lot of poor people around here these days. I can’t do anything about that. I hate to tell people what they’ll have to pay for a piece of land these days.”

 Homeless-And-Cold

Guess what, Bobcat. I’d love to want to care about your stupid lawsuit, but we have a lot of stupid laws here in Humboldt County, and we have a corrupt, brutal and abusive county government. The streets of Humboldt County are full of victims of injustice and abuse, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d hate to tell you what I’d charge to write you a catchy jingle.

worlds smallest violin


Mayan Calendar Letdown

Mayan Calendar Letdown

day-after-the-mayan-calendar-editorial-cartoon

Fucking Mayans! I can’t believe they let us down too. I wish one of these apocalypse cults would be right for a change. I’m so sick of having my end of the world ruined by bogus prophesy. Get it right, and get it the fuck over with already!

get it over with

Back in the sixties, we all lived in fear of instant nuclear annihilation. Today, it sounds like blessed relief, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I guess destroying the planet was one of those things they decided was best left to the private sector, but death by capitalism is proving to be a tortuously slow and excruciatingly painful experience.

capitalism kills 2 (1)

I’d trade slow death by capitalism for a blinding flash and a blaze of thermonuclear glory, in a New York second. Wouldn’t you? Too bad our politicians lack the zeal and balls of our corporate CEOs, or we could have gotten global nuclear Armageddon done yesterday.

mushroom cloud

But Noooo… now we have to face 2013, something I am totally unprepared to do. At least in 2012, I knew that I just needed to hang in there until December 21st. Now there’s no end in sight.

ph/antiwar

I heard about an asteroid that might hit us, in about 15 years. Fifteen fucking years! Maybe! I can’t hold out for that. I need somebody to promise me that the world really will end sometime before then. Doesn’t anyone have a 2013 “end of the world” prophesy? How about it Prophet Mark? (he’s our local “the end is near” guy) Can somebody give me an apocalypse scenario I can live for in the coming year?

party now

Come on people! Read an ancient text, have a dream or get abducted by fucking aliens. I don’t care where you get your inspiration, just make it snappy. Then write a book telling us when the world will end, and make sure it’s no more than, say, three years from now. Then, do a bunch of radio interviews about your book, so I don’t have to actually read it, to know the date I’m waiting for.

mayan calendar

That sounds like a deal to me. You get three years to sell your book, and we get what we so desperately need to get through our daily grind. That is, the hope that it will all be over soon.

dont fear the apocalypse


On The Money; Soaring Over the Fiscal Cliff

On The Money;

Economics for the 99%

Soaring Over the Fiscal Cliff

Here we go again. Last year we hit “the debt ceiling” this year we go over “the fiscal cliff”. It’s like Congress has devolved into a game of Super Mario Cart, and any minute we’re going to slip on that banana peel called “entitlement reform” and go careening out-of-control. It’s ridiculous. There’s no cliff, there’s no ceiling and there’s no such thing as “the debt crisis”.

Don’t get me wrong. We have crisis. We have plenty of real crises that demand our immediate attention. Here’s a short list:

Global Climate Change

Global Ecosystem collapse

Human Overpopulation

Loss of Biological Diversity

Loss of Cultural Diversity

Nuclear Proliferation/Waste

Homelessness/Poverty

Out-of-Control Health Care Costs

Call me when you get a handle on those, will ya. I mean, if you got nothing better to do, put your attention where it might do some good.

Seriously folks, we didn’t mind sailing right past the tipping point on global warming. We barely blinked when human population surpassed 7 billion, and over a hundred species of living creature disappear off of the face of the Earth every single day without any acknowledgment whatsoever.

It’s not like these crises don’t have real implications for us, our future, and our kids future. Life will get harder. The crises they face will be greater. Their standard of living will suffer and we will leave them a much less beautiful and more poisonous world.

And it’s not like things are so much better for us because we ignore these real crisis. Wages continue to decline, housing costs continue to rise, and health-care costs go through the roof because how we live makes us sick. We’re already killing ourselves, to kill the planet to make the greediest one-tenth of 1% of our population even more obscenely rich, but that doesn’t bother us. No, the real crisis, they expect us to believe, is that someday… someday, China might not loan the Federal Government enough money to fight another stupidly adventurous, unpopular foreign war, unless we chop what’s left of our social safety net, to bits, now. Either that, or we could tax the rich, but that seems to be a non-starter, unless we cut the safety net too.

Either way, Congress set a deadline, and unless we meet that deadline, a lot of people will lose their jobs, a lot of people will lose their benefits, and everyone else’s taxes will go up, and since none of those people are congress-people, there’s not much chance that Congress will meet that deadline.

Unless…

Obama can put together a “Grand Bargain”. Watch out for this “Grand Bargain”, where the rich pay a little bit more in taxes, they stick an apple in the mouth of the middle-class, and the poor and the young take a spit up the ass.

It’ll be just like Obamacare. It’ll take a complete ripoff, and make it mandatory. Obamacare didn’t reign in health-care costs, Obamacare just fed the healthy and the young to the insurance industry sharks. When politicians talk about serving the American people, that’s what they mean. Politicians serve us to the 1% for dinner, and that’s what this imaginary “fiscal cliff” is all about.

So forget about it. Forget about the “fiscal cliff”. Do you own any Treasury bonds? Then what are you worried about. If someone is buying you drinks, what do you care about their credit rating, and if they’re not buying you drinks, why hang out with them. If government isn’t doing anything good, why throw good money after bad.

Don’t worry about burdening your kids with a huge national debt. You’ve already stuck them with enough real problems, and sold them so far down the river that you’d better hope they grow up as stupid and gullible as their parents, or else you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. There’s a view of the “fiscal cliff” that’s On The Money.


The Most Important Holiday Blog Post in the World

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the abundance that I have enjoyed this past year, but I am aware that many in this world go without. Thanksgiving also harkens in the Christmas shopping season, and many of you will spend a lot of money on stupid gifts no one really wants or needs. This Thanksgiving, I’m asking my readers to cut me a slice of that pie by supporting this important cause.

The Most Important Holiday Blog Post in the World

 

With the holidays rapidly approaching, a lot of us will be looking for gifts for people we don’t really like that much. If you’ve managed to avoid them all year, a gift is the perfect way to say, “Even though I hate your guts, I really can’t afford to have you talking shit about me.” This Holiday season, I offer you the perfect gift for people who you’d like to think well of you, but whom you don’t really know or like well enough to actually get them anything.

For these special people, a gift card from Helper International tells the recipient that you care more about some random, anonymous kids than you do about them. Helper makes sure that your money only helps cute, happy looking, photogenic kids, and we use the money you donate to give them cute, photogenic animals.

Your chosen recipient will receive a card with a beautiful color photograph so packed with cuteness and “Awwww”, that they will hate themselves, for being pissed that you didn’t really get them anything. Really, isn’t that what giving is all about, the feelings it inspires?

Sure, its awfully expensive for a greeting card, but you and your recipient will both know, that the kid in the picture really got to keep that cute little animal, gave it a name, took care of it, and bonded with it emotionally, before his parents slaughtered it and served it for dinner. That’s the kind of emotional enigma that makes the holidays so special.

Here at Helper International, our mission is simple, we use your donations to give highly prolific, and nutritious, live snails, to exceptionally cute children. Then we photograph the happy kids with their snails, print the photos on gift cards and send the cards to your specified recipient. That’s all there is to it.

Does it help? Sure it does. It helps us unload a bunch of snails, and puts money in our pockets. I can’t think of a more important cause than that, can you? You, and your chosen recipient get to share that “awwww” moment during the holidays, and some kid gets a snail. It’s a win win win deal for everybody.

So, please, give them the most important gift you can give. Give the gift of Escargot this holiday season. Help Helper International make the snail shepherding dreams of adorable children everywhere a reality. Only you can make make this miracle happen. No child should ever be denied the this exquisite delicacy and every child should have the opportunity to get to know the delightful little creatures that produce it in abundance.

Send your generous donations to Helper International, P.O. Box 2301, Redway, CA 95560 and make checks payable to John Hardin.  You’ll be glad you did, and so will I.  Thank you, for you support!


Our Finest Hour

Our Finest Hour

My Fellow Americans,

 

Today, we face challenging times. Economic malaise, global environmental meltdown and worldwide political upheaval threaten everything we hold dear. Some would say that times like these demand strong leadership. I say, “Hogwash!”

Strong leadership got us into this mess. Self-confident liars have used our instinctual trust, cooperative nature, and natural compassion against us, and we have paid dearly for our willingness to believe in them. It’s high-time we learned our lesson from those mistakes.

 

We don’t need leaders anymore, because we are not followers. We are not sheep, and will not be led hither and yon by a well-funded political class with its own agenda. We reject the voice of authority, and scoff at the voice of reason.

Instinctively, we know how to navigate these rough seas. We know what to do in a cultural dead-end, like the one we currently face. When things fall apart, and nothing makes any sense anymore, we turn to the things we can count on; drug abuse, kinky sex, and stupid humor, the things we get from each other.

You can count on me for stupid humor, just like I count on you for sex and drugs. We need each other, but today, I need more from you than sex and drugs. Today, I need your vote. Please vote for this blog, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. Today is our last day to inundate the NCJ with votes for this blog, so please, do it right now.

Cast your vote for stupid humor and fresh perspective, today! Go to the NCJ website. Click on the long skinny bar near the top of the page that takes you to the ballot. Click through all of the categories until you get to the last one, number 40, “best blog”. Type in (or cut and paste) “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” into the space next to that category. Then click through the remaining pages until you see the winged kitten. It’s that easy, and takes less than a minute. You’ll be glad you did, but DO IT NOW!!

Don’t throw your vote away on one of the news blogs. Don’t you get way too much news? Isn’t it sick the way they compete to be the first to tell you about the latest grisly traffic fatality or police shooting? Like you don’t have enough trouble in your life, that you can’t wait a few hours, or even a few days, to learn of the death of a stranger.

Yes, journalists like to quote Thomas Jefferson to justify their existence, and hide behind an air of professionalism, but these low-lifes chase ambulances simply to bait the rubbernecker in us with the freshest blood. Journalists pimp human suffering purely for the purpose of indulging our prurient curiosity. Don’t fall for their ruse, and don’t encourage them by voting for a news blog. Instead, vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” readers survey.

Political blogs are even worse. The idiocy that passes for political debate in this country, and the horse-race style coverage of political campaigns should provide anyone with a gnat’s wit or better, plenty of evidence that democracy has failed. Still, Humboldt’s political blogs, full of pitifully dull posts and littered with moronic comments, continue to fester. I don’t know why anyone would sip the puss from those infections. If I were you, I wouldn’t admit to reading these blogs, let alone vote for them.

Besides news and political blogs, blogs that revolve around recipes and human interest stories suck too. If you read a recipe on line, it might look good, but to really enjoy it, you still have to buy the ingredients, and prepare the dish, and even then, you might not enjoy it. You have to spend the money. You have to do the work. You have to follow their instructions, like some indentured servant, before you get to enjoy anything. They get to tell you what to do. You just do what you are told and eat what they tell you to eat. How pathetic!

Reading a blog is enough work, I say, and I expect something for it. I should get a laugh, a chuckle, a grin, or at least a fresh, if somewhat twisted, perspective, and I shouldn’t have to make a mess of my kitchen in the process. If I spend my time and energy to read something, dammit, I better enjoy it, right now! I write “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” for people like me; people who hate to read, love to laugh, and demand immediate gratification. If you read “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” regularly, you know that I deliver the goods, week in, and week out.

Today, I ask you to give back a little. Please cast your vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” readers poll. We have entered the very last hours of this campaign. Today, Weds. September 5, at 4pm, the NCJ will close the survey, and they will accept no votes after that time, so please, do not delay, do it today. Cast your vote now.

If you’ve already voted for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as Humboldt’s best blog in the 2012 NCJ readers poll, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you and God Bless America!!!


I Run a Clean Positive Campaign

I Run a Clean, Positive Campaign

 

As you may know, this political season finds me in the midst of a hotly contested campaign. We’ve faced some difficult challenges so far, but thanks to a tremendous effort by the amazing readers who support this blog, we’ve put an end to electoral shenanigans at the NCJ. Now we have to win the election.

We only have until Sept 5, that’s next Weds., to get AS MANY VOTES AS POSSIBLE in to the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. This critical deadline means that you need to cast your ballot Today!  I cannot stress enough, how important it is to vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. Please do it RIGHT NOW!!!

 

The future hangs in the balance. Raising the profile of this blog, to the status of “Best of Humboldt” could have a dramatic effect on the scope of public debate, politics and policy, here in Humboldt County. I know that seems extraordinarily unlikely, but you have the power to make it happen. Please, take that critical step. Vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “best blog” in the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” reader survey.

Regardless, of the high-stakes, I want to keep this a clean, positive campaign. This campaign has always been about the strength of the material here at “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”, not about badmouthing other, less deserving blogs. However, as you undoubtedly know, the gloves are off when it comes to campaign spending. In this environment, I cannot afford to tell my larger donors not to form a SuperPAC.

Law prohibits SuperPACs from coordinating with the campaign of the candidate they support. So, I have no control whatsoever over anything this new SuperPAC, “Swiftblog Inveterates With Nothing Better To Do” does or says. The “Swiftblog Inveterates With Nothing Better To Do”, in turn, cannot say anything to endorse me or my campaign, but will work to raise important facts about the Humboldt county blogosphere that they feel every NCJ reader should know.

Please remember, that unless you see my name, John Hardin, specifically endorsing an ad, I have nothing whatsoever to do with it. I know the onslaught of negative political ads becomes tiresome. I’m sure you are sick of the twisted misrepresentations, the extreme lowbrow appeal, and the just plain ugly tone of politics these days. I am sick of it too, that’s why I run this campaign on the strength of what you read here at “Like you’ve Got Something Better To Do”.

I work hard to make “Like You’ve got Something better To Do” entertaining, to present thought provoking essays, and to show up every fucking week. Whether its a poem, a “Word Power” vocabulary word, an “On The Money” economic advice column, or a “You Call That Cooking” food story, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” delivers steaming hot blog posts to your device of choice, every fucking week.

That’s dedication. That’s service. That’s the kind of blog I run here at “Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do”. You can count on me, because I’ve proven that I can deliver the goods.

Today, I need you to deliver the goods. Please, click this link. It takes you to the NCJ website, click on the long skinny button that takes you to the ballot. Click through to the very last category, the type in (or copy and paste) “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” next to the category labeled “Best Blog” then click through till you see the kitten with wings. That’s all it takes. Please do it now!!! Thank you. I am John Hardin, and I endorse this message.


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