Category Archives: sarcasm

A Report from the Global Climate Summit in Lima, Peru

COP20

I just heard David Simpson and Jane Lapiner…

david simpson jane lapiner

calling from Peru to report on the global climate summit taking place there.  This is not the first global climate summit David and Jane have reported from. I recall that they walked-out of the last global climate summit they attended.

NGOs walk out at COP19 in Warsaw

After flying 10,000 miles or so to Copenhagen, they “walked-out” in protest of the fact that governments around the world were not serious about addressing Global Climate Change, and that the delegates were just spinning their wheels while they enjoyed deluxe accommodations, succulent cuisine, and free-flowing refreshments. It became obvious to them, as well as to the majority of climate activists in attendance, that the governments of the world were not serious about stopping global climate change.

global warming failure

No shit, Sherlock. I could have told you that, and I didn’t have to fly half-way around the world to know it. Most people do not understand what government is, or how it operates, and they expect all kinds of crazy things from government, that government can never, and will never, do. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, people still go to their government to demand change.

Protesters scale Buckingham Palace gates

Too many people think about governments in the same way that people think about God. They anthropomorphize government. They imagine that government has the presidents face and voice, and that congress is its heart, the CIA and FBI are its brain, and the Supreme Court, its conscience. They think about government as a functioning, conscious, and sentient being with a capacity for intelligence, compassion and intent.

consciousness

You see how ridiculous this sounds when you put it in so many words. Here’s the problem: As humans, evolution has equipped us very well to think about people, as people, and to understand and empathize with them. We are also well equipped to think about, and talk about, things as objects, and to manipulate them very effectively. A government is neither a person, nor an object, and that makes it difficult for us to think about government, and to think about government effectively, we need a lot more information about it than we are likely stumble across in the course of our daily lives.

question marks in the sky

That means that if we want to understand government, it’s going to take work. Most of us already work too much, so most of us just tend to think of government as Big Brother, one single individual, immensely powerful, unbelievably stupid, and dangerously volatile, but as one person, nonetheless, and as a person who has the capacity to act intentionally, or at least in response to stimuli.

big brother

In reality, we should think of government as an enormous wriggling pile of maggots, feasting on putrefied waste. The maggots have a voracious appetite, and their waste putrefies everything it contaminates, which only makes more putrid goo for government to feast on. Government is made of thousands of people, all driven by their own personal interests, and everything they want must be sucked out of the waste and debris of exploited resources. Hence the maggot metaphor.

maggots

Government is a disease. The symptoms include war, environmental devastation, inequality, poverty, crime, etc. None of these are possible without government, and all of them flow directly from government. Whenever the people stand up to corporate exploitation, it’s always the government that shows up, in the form of cops, SWAT teams, or the National Guard, to make sure the road goes through, or the pipeline gets built, or that the Board of Directors can meet.

war government

Global Warming is the fever from the disease called government, so don’t expect government to solve it. Government enables it, causes it, necessitates it. Government makes it all possible. So, when governments get together to try to address global climate change, it;s just another mass of feasting maggots. It’s disgusting. I can understand why they walked out, but once you walk out, you don’t go crawling back.

come crawling back

But David and Jane went crawling back, to follow the maggots to Lima, Peru, clocking another bundle of miles on their frequent-flyer cards, no doubt. David and Jane called KMUDs Monday Morning Magazine to let us know that the pile of maggots has not done anything substantial except wriggle hungrily and shit prolifically. Big surprise there.

big surprise1

They told us we shouldn’t count on governments to do anything, and that we should work here at home to fight global warming, and and that we should stop driving our F250 trucks so much.

rolling coal f350

We know. I’ll bet Lima’s lovely this time of year, I hope you saw the sights, but you know better now, right? I mean that little civics lesson has a big carbon footprint, so I hope you’ve really got it straight now.

carbon footprint

Just in case, you’re still not sure. If you decide to attend the next global climate summit, in Paris, please spare us the call.

spare us


The LYGSBTD Holiday Gift Guide pt 2

holiday_gift_guide_part_2

As you could probably tell from last week’s post, I’m just so full of Christmas Spirit this year, that I’m about to hurl eggnog and candy canes into the next manger I see. Yes, it’s the holiday gift giving season, and Christmas is right around the corner. That’s right, you worked right through the Spring, Summer and Fall of 2014. Now it’s Winter again. The weather sucks. You hate your job. You hardly recognize your own family, and you’ve accomplished none of the things you hoped to do this year. Merry Christmas! You have no money, but your credit is still good, so you’re going Christmas shopping!

5-Stages-of-Shopping-Christmas-333-x-500

You can’t buy your life back, but you can buy people off, and an extra special Christmas gift will easily make up for all of those months of neglect. But what do you get for the people who mean enough to you to spend money on them at Christmas, but not enough to really care about them the rest of the year? How can you know their likes and dislikes, their interests and proclivities, their long-term dreams, or any of the other things that make them a unique individual, without actually paying attention to them the rest of the year? If you don’t know anything about them, how can you pick out a gift that will mean something to them? The challenge can be overwhelming.

christmas overwhelming

I understand, and I’m here to help. Your loved ones don’t understand how much stress you are under. Being around them is work, and they expect so much from you, but you love them, at least you did before you went completely numb. You don’t want to let them down at Christmas time. You’re willing to spend the money. I won’t let you blow it.

dont blow it1

When buying a gift for someone who means a lot to you, but that you don’t really know very well, keep this in mind. Get them something that will impress their friends. Even if the person you give it to, doesn’t like it, their friends will see this gift, and remind that person of just how lucky they are to receive such a nice gift, and that whoever gave it to them must really love them. Even if they know better themselves, hearing that sentiment expressed again and again, from their friends, will keep their feelings towards you in a state of perpetual conflicted ambivalence. Call it “love.”

call it love

Here’s a few suggestions:

jetpack martin

Jet Pack. This will instantly make anyone popular and change their life, if they survive. With this, you can pack a whole lifetime’s worth of “love” into a single, explosively powerful, spectacularly impressive gift. Gift’s like this obliterate the individuality of the recipient, while they celebrate the generosity of the giver, so choose the gift based on your own personality, rather than that of the recipient. Here’s another idea:

quadski1 Quad/Jetski I’ll bet that a lot of people around here will find one of these under their Christmas Tree this year, but maybe making noise and going fast doesn’t float your boat. Try this:

barbecue-dining-boat

Barbecue Boat Everyone eats. Why not do it in the middle of a lake? Big ticket gifts like this really steal the show at family get-togethers, making other people’s gifts seem puny and insignificant by comparison. That’s how you solve your little gift-giving problem. If you can afford it, crush it!

crush it

This kind of generosity drives our economy and makes our world the miracle of modern technology that it has become. It isn’t what we wanted, but everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are to have it. Thanks… I guess.

thanks i guess1

Speaking of technology. Here’s a gift for that special woman in your life, the one you haven’t had time for lately, but hasn’t filed for divorce yet. It’s a very personal gift, made uniquely impersonal:

ohmibod5

OhMiBod vibrator app for smart phones. OhMiBod consists of two parts, the hardware: a small, blue-tooth enabled, battery powered vibrator, designed to fit in a woman’s underwear, and the software: an app that you download to your smart-phone. The app allows you to control the vibrator from up to 26 ft away, perhaps even from another room, by blue-tooth, or from anywhere in the world, with a wifi connection.

ohmibod4

Imagine. You could be watching the game with your buddies.

watching the game

They’d just think you were sending a text to your bookie or something. Fiddle with your phone for ten or fifteen minutes while you drink beer and joke with your friends. Then call her up and say “I love you babe” and hang up. She’s satisfied, and you didn’t have to miss a single play.

ohmibod6

What about gifts for men? Well what do men like? Men like boobs. Men don’t care what it is, as long as it has boobs, so give men something that has boobs.

boob radio

Boob Radio. Yes, this radio has boobs, but when it comes down to it, all knobs and buttons are surrogate nipples and boobs, so most guys like almost any gadget. The more knobs and buttons it has, the better.

knobs2

That just leaves pets. Pets don’t really care about gifts, unless they can eat them, and then they are always welcome. Still, some people insist on buying inedible gifts for their pets, so why not take their money.

take my money

Who cares if the pet enjoys the gift. That’s not the point. Usually, the pets do not like the gifts at all. In fact, animals generally have to be sedated before they will tolerate most of these products long enough to snap a promotional photo.

how high

Here’s a selection:

beaks for dogs

Beaks for Dogs. Is this the “Crocks” of dog muzzles? These dogs hate this. They have better taste than that.

dog hats

Knitted Hats for Dogs Do you think those dogs like those hats? No! Those dogs are wasted! If you want to make your dog happy, give them drugs, and then don’t dress them up in silly costumes. But what about cats?

CATS-turntable

DJ ScratchCat Turntable Scratching Post. Your cat would rather have a cardboard box to tear-up, but whatever. You’ve got $35 bucks to blow.

money to blow

There you have it folks:

HOMELESS gift1

Gift ideas for everyone on your Christmas gift list. Wake me when it’s over.

wake me when its over


Please Buy My New Book: On The Money: Economics for the 99%, How the Economy Works, and Why It Works Against You.

OTM ebook cover

At last, I am very pleased to announce the publication of my first book: On The Money: Economics for the 99% or, How The Economy Works and Why It Works Against You. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll remember On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a series of weekly essays that appeared here from 2011-13.

OTM WHAT DID CAVEMEN KNOW

Besides offering a thought provoking, phenomenological analysis of our current economic system, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains some of my best and funniest writing. The fact that Savage Henry Magazine and Fifth Estate Magazine have both published essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series, should tell you that On The Money: Economics fro the 99% is both funny enough for stupid people and radical enough for smart people.

stupid_creates

Essays from the On The Money: Economics for the 99% series remain some of the most popular posts here at lygsbtd, and you can still find them highly ranked on my “most read” (“Stuff People Read”) section in the right-hand column. My new book, On The Money: Economics for the 99% contains classics like:

classics like
Gilligan’s Island as Economic Metaphor
Barbie v Bratz
Hello, My Name is Civilization and I’m an Alcoholic
MyPee
How To Party Now That the Party’s Over
Unemployment
Foie Gras
Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
along with 62 other great essays first published here. I’ve revised and updated them all, so they’re even funnier and more relevant than before. Even if you’ve already read all of these essays before, out of order, and over the course of three years, you haven’t seen the whole picture. You owe it to yourself to read the book in it’s completion. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

whole is greater

You owe it to me too! For three and a half years now I pour myself out for you. Every week, thousands of you come here for some little respite from your miserable lives. You slurp up whatever I have to offer, and then you slink away. Well it’s time to pay the piper!

Pay_the_piper

What’s it worth to you folks?

worth it6

We’re only talking about $5 here! That works out to about 14 essays, or 14,000 carefully chosen words, for each dollar. That’s a hell of a bargain if you ask me, and you’ve had plenty of opportunity to sample the wares, so don’t tell me you’re not interested, because you’re here, for God’s sake.

you are here snake

Please, if my work means anything to you, and you want to see this blog continue, buy a copy of On The Money: Economics for the 99%. You won’t regret it. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is a great book. You’ll love reading it. I love reading it, and I hate to read. I guarantee that you will not find a more entertaining or informative book about economics anywhere, at any price.

OTM CLICK HERE NOW

You need to know this stuff. On The Money: Economics for the 99% examines our modern economy from the perspective of someone who has to live in it. This book explains how the economy consumes you, your world, and your future.

OTM gas flare

To save yourself, you need to know how the economy really works. Your future depends on it. I know you don’t want to think about it. That’s why I always look for the weird angle, and try to keep it playful. If you can laugh at it, you can beat it.

OTM ever wonder duck

Come on folks! I am your writer. I tell the truth, and I make it entertaining. You may not always agree with me. Hell, you may not ever agree with me, but something brings you back, week after week. Well, if you want to keep coming back, and finding new stuff here, show some appreciation for the three and a half years of my life I’ve already given you. Even if you can’t read, and just come here to look at the pictures,PLEASE, BUY MY FUCKING BOOK! It has a great cover!

OTM promo DETAILS AMAZING

I’m serious people! I need your help right now. $5 from you will make a huge impact on my life, and you’ll get a great 70,000 word ebook, that I put a hell of a lot of work into, to read at your leisure. Put it on your card, charge it to your pay pal account, however you want to do it is fine, just DO IT NOW!! Please.

OTM everyone buys it

And buy a copy for a friend. Surely you know someone who really needs to see things from a different perspective. Give On The Money: Economics for the 99% as a gift. Infect others with these ideas, don’t just let them fester inside your own head. On The Money: Economics for the 99% has the potential to change the economy, by changing the way people see it.

OTM because life

It’s going to take a movement folks, and the more people who read On The Money: Economics for the 99%, the faster that movement will grow. So, please, get the word, and spread the word. On The Money: Economics for the 99% is the book everyone must read today.

can u longgif


Local Pig Blames Chinn for “Cockroaches”, Priest’s Murder

Local Pig Blames Chinn for “Cockroaches”, Priest’s Murder

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

If you want to know about the Humboldt County social milieu, this story says it all:

heart-says-it-all-sm

Long time Southern Humboldt resident, Lee Bullock, a 44 year old man, raised in Southern Humboldt, with a home, an address, and family in the area, got arrested after someone in Redway called the Sheriff about a man seen hiding in the bushes and acting “bizarre” in the early afternoon of this past New Year’s Eve. The cops came, picked up Bullock, and deduced that he was intoxicated on drugs of some kind.

arrest intoxicated man

That’s a pretty typical Humboldt County thing, and it happens every day around here. Drug use is not only the foundation of our local economy, it is a cherished tradition and way of life in Humboldt County, so sometimes we get a little wild and crazy. Even at 1:30 in the afternoon, Lee Bullock was probably not the first person arrested for public intoxication in Humboldt County that day, and he certainly wasn’t the last. This was New Year’s Eve, after all.

newyears_t460

According to the cops, Bullock became “combative” while in custody. From Bullock’s mug shot in the papers, you can easily see that someone became combative with him. None of the cops reported injuries, but Bullock was taken to the hospital upon arrival at the jail in Eureka. Again, nothing unusual there. Cops beat people up all the time in Humboldt County.

lee bullock

After being cleared by medical personnel, Bullock was returned to jail, in Eureka, more than 60 miles from his home west of Redway, where they held him in custody until just after midnight. At a quarter-to-one in the morning, just in time for last call on New Year’s Eve, Sheriff’s deputies released Lee Bullock, on his own recognizance, into Downtown Eureka, the most densely populated city in Humboldt County.

eureka at night

Even though Lee Bullock has lived in Humboldt County for a long time, and has family in the area, no one came to the jail to pick him up. Either he did not call anyone, or the people he called were indisposed, declined the invitation, or failed to show up.

didnt show up

Look, it’s a long drive from Southern Humboldt to Eureka, and it was New Year’s Eve for God’s sake. Even if he had reached someone who cared enough to make the trip, what are the chances they were sober enough to drive?

Drunk-Driver

So, Lee Bullock, no doubt crashing hard from his recent drug binge, found himself wandering aimlessly around Eureka’s residential neighborhoods on a cold night, without adequate clothing, and no way to get home. A little while later, a Eureka PD cop encountered him hanging around St. Bernard’s Catholic Church, and told him to go away.

st bernards

The next morning, Eureka parishioners found their priest, Father Eric Freed, bludgeoned to death in the rectory of St. Bernard’s Church, and in Southern Humboldt, Father Freed’s car was found parked in the woods near the Bullock family home west of Redway. The cops put two and two together, and called the Bullocks to inquire about Lee’s whereabouts. Rather than have the Sheriff come all the way out to the Bullock family home, Lee’s family agreed to deliver Lee Bullock to the police for questioning.

st bernards rectory murder

Why would a Southern Humboldt family be so eager to drive Lee to the cops to face arrest for murder, especially when they couldn’t be bothered to pick him up from jail just the night before? I assume that was because the Bullock family home, like virtually every home in Southern Humboldt, was full of illegal drugs, guns and cash, and they didn’t want cops nosing around. That’s just a guess.

drugs guns and cash

So, Lee Bullock’s step-father got in the truck and took Lee for a ride, without telling his step-son that he was delivering Lee to the authorities to face murder charges. What did Lee’s step-father say to Lee to get him in the truck? “Come on Lee, beer run!” Whatever line he used, apparently it worked.

beer run

If Lee’s step-father would have gotten in the truck the night before, he could have saved everyone involved, especially Father Freed, a lot of headaches. As it turned out, they didn’t get far down the road before Sheriff’s deputies pulled them over and arrested Lee Bullock for the murder of Father Eric Freed.

priest-suspect

Motive: a ride home.

motive for murder a ride home

Now that’s a Humboldt County story, but that’s not the Humboldt County story.

story time

The real icing, and it doesn’t get much icier, on this Humboldt County cake comes to us from the icy heart of Eureka bankster, bloodsucker, and all around swine, Rob Arkley Jr.

icy

In a letter to the Lost Coast Outpost, Mr. Arkley expressed his feelings about this awful tragedy by blaming the murder Father Freed on Eureka philanthropist Betty Chinn.

betty-chinn-

Betty Chinn works to help poor and homeless people in Eureka, and the need is great. The recent Point-In-Time survey of homeless people, found more than 1,500 people living outside in Humboldt County in the dead of Winter. Betty Chinn does her best to help some, by no means all, of them get a meal, a shower, and maybe a place to sleep at night.

betty chinn outreach

She can’t possibly help all of them, but Ms. Chinn has helped a lot of people who have fallen on hard times, put their lives back together.

chinn obama

Naturally, you can see why this caused a deranged SoHum druggie to murder a Eureka priest.

naturally

That’s how Rob Arkley Jr sees it, anyway. In that letter to the Lost Coast Outpost, Arkley erroneously blames Father Freed’s murder on nameless “transients” who he describes as “cockroaches”, and he blames Betty Chinn because, he claims, the services she provides to the poor, attracts more of them to Eureka.

cockroaches

Of course this is ludicrous, but Rob Arkley Jr is the richest man in Humboldt County, so people get paid to listen to him, and local politicians kiss his behind. Arkley hates poor people, even though, as a banker and real-estate tycoon, making people poor is what he does for a living. Arkley hates seeing poor people around town. He views them as vermin. He’d put poison out for them if he could.

Homelessdude-poison horz

Instead, he does the next best thing. Rob Arkley Jr has undertaken a one man, albeit one rich man, campaign to starve poverty out of Eureka. He wants to cut the already meager, county expenditures on social services to the poor, and goes the extra mile by smearing the good name of anyone who dares help the poor privately. That’s the kind of guy he is.

arkley would

Imagine what it would be like if Rob Arkley Jr were different. Imagine what Rob Arkley Jr the millionaire owner of Security National Bank and Humboldt County real-estate tycoon, might say about the murder of Father Eric Freed, if Arkley were an honest man. I think it would sound something like this:

Eureka Embarrassment Rob Arkley Jr,  What if he were honest?

Eureka Embarrassment Rob Arkley Jr, What if he were honest?

You want to know why that priest, what’s his name, got killed? That priest got killed because the underground marijuana industry that drives the economic engine of Humboldt County, not to mention my own personal fortune, relies very heavily on black-market drug dealers.

drug dealer

Wherever you have lots of black-market drug dealers, you are bound to have lots of black-market drugs. Whenever you have lots of black-market drugs, you can expect an abundance of drug-crazed freaks like Lee Bullock.

speed kills

We get the picture Freddy

Now that this underground economy is a couple of generations old, we’re breeding drug-crazed freaks, like Lee Bullock, in the hills all over Humboldt County. These drug-crazed freaks don’t care about anything but themselves and their drugs, and they’ll kill anything that gets in their way. I know that because I have a lot in common with those freaks, except that I don’t care about anything but myself and my money.

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Now, whenever any of those drug-crazed freaks act-up, anywhere in Humboldt County, the Sheriff hauls them to jail, holds them for a few hours, then quietly turns them loose, in the dead of night, into the quiet residential neighborhoods of Eureka. That’s why father what’s his name got killed.”

Father Eric Freed.  Eureka Priest murdered in the early morning of New Year's Day

Father Eric Freed. Eureka Priest murdered in the early morning of New Year’s Day

Oh, and by the way,” an honest Arkley might add, “That’s also why we have so many homeless people in Humboldt County. Since most of the residential housing in Humboldt County has been converted into, much more lucrative, commercial marijuana farms,

indoor pot farm

…the remaining, non-drug-dealing populace, has been put out in the cold,

Homeless-Family-

…and I’m damn sick and tired of seeing them there. I think we should put out poison.”

poison1

Unfortunately, Rob Arkley Jr is not an honest man, and he did not say that.

arkley dishonest

Nonetheless, that is the truth about Humboldt County.

humboldt-county


Audience Participation Time

 

Audience Participation Time

AudienceParticipation

Well it’s that time of year again, the time of year when the North Coast Journal asks its readers to vote for the “Best of Humboldt”. It’s also the time of year when I ask lygsbtd readers, whether they live in Humboldt Co. or not, and whether they read the North Coast Journal or not, to vote for this blog in the “Best Blog” category of the contest. This has always been a fun way to add a little audience participation to this little endeavor, and for the last two years, you, the readers of this blog, have swamped the North Coast Journal with enough votes that this blog has placed in the top 5 for two years running.

MISS USA 2009 COMPETITION

In past years, I always encouraged my readers to skip the rest of the categories. I asked you to scroll through the ballot until you got to the “Best Blog” category, type in “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, scroll through the rest of the ballot ’till you see the “Submit” button, click on it, and you’re done. Easy enough, and smart, because it’s so rare to find a business that doesn’t suck in Humboldt that trying to pick your favorites in a long list of categories gets depressing fast.

Disney_Gets_Depressing_

This year however, the NCJ has changed the rules. This year they are disqualifying any ballot that has votes in less than thirty categories. This makes the contest grossly unfair, overly burdensome, and undemocratic. The NCJ should be ashamed of themselves for their callous disregard for their reader’s time, energy and well being.

callous disregard

Trying to find thirty businesses in Humboldt County that don’t suck is a fool’s errand. Besides that, in this year’s survey, there is no category for “Best Blog”. This is an outrage! I realize that we have a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of the press in this country, but the NCJ has stepped over the line on this one. Far from conducting an impartial survey of their readers, this year’s “Best of” competition was clearly designed to help the NCJ target Humboldt County’s plethora of barely mediocre businesses for future ad revenue.

your ad hereyour ad hereyour ad hereadvertizing

Just check out the pathetic list of categories in this year’s contest. Only seven categories, out of 65 total ask about anything other than local businesses. “Best Vista” “Best Weekend Getaway” “Best Day Hike” “Best Day Trip With Kids”, “Best Place to Propose” and “Best Thing You Miss From Back in the Day”…you mean like, this contest before it sucked.

sucked

Really, the only good thing about Humboldt County is the natural environment. The big trees, the mountains, the fresh air and the undeveloped beaches make Humboldt County great. The cougars, the elk and the bears make Humboldt County exciting. The salmon, the otters, the ringtails and the fishers make Humboldt County amazing. The plovers, the owls and the murilets make Humboldt County irreplaceable. The pelicans, possums and porcupines make Humboldt County peculiar.

porcupine

When was the last time you saw a porcupine in Humboldt County? Wouldn’t that brighten your day more than getting your nails done (real category: “Best Nail Artist”), or drinking a Bloody Mary at Happy Hour prices (real categories: “Best Bloody Mary” and “Best Happy Hour”)? If not, there’s something wrong with you. You should probably move to someplace where the closest thing to wildlife is the raccoons who live in the storm sewers, you cretan.

bloody nails

Speaking of “sewers”, lets look at some of the other stupid categories the NCJ has asked its readers to vote on:

stupid Categories

“Best Bank/Credit Union” Who likes their bank these days? Even at the best of times, no one gets excited about their bank, and these are far from the best of times for bank popularity. Sure, maybe I hate my credit union less than I despise Bank of America, but that’s like asking who is my favorite fascist, Hitler or Mussolini. Speaking of fascists, check out this next real category:

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist? You've got to go with Hitler, right?

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist?
You’ve got to go with Hitler, right?

“Best Cop” All cops suck, and Humboldt County has some of the suckiest scum in uniform. Do you want to vote for the cop who shot the unarmed teenager to death, or do you want to vote for the cop who murdered the mentally ill woman in her own home, or perhaps you prefer the ones who swabbed pepper spray in non-violent protesters eyes? Maybe you like your parole officer, or the cop who lied on the witness stand to get you convicted in the first place. So many to choose from, how will you ever decide?

swab pepper spray

What’s next, “Best Contagious Disease”, “Best Mold Strain” or “Best Tick”?

I like the little one best.

I like the little one best.

This year’s “Best of” survey has fourteen categories for restaurants. I can’t think of seven Humboldt County restaurants I even like. The only restaurant category that has any real competition, in my opinion, is (believe it or not, this is a real category) “Best Last Meal in Humboldt”. I can think of at least ten restaurants I’ve eaten at in Humboldt County that made me wish I were dead, but I sure wouldn’t recommend them to a condemned man.

condemned man humboldt county

Here’s another category with plenty of competition:

“Best Thing to Bitch About in Humboldt County” Humboldt county has such an abundance of stuff to bitch about. Whether it’s the corrupt county government, the crooked, violent cops, greedy dope yuppies, sleazy landlords, real-estate agents and land developers, the stupid people and their ugly vicious dogs, lousy drivers, terrible restaurants, bloated non-profits, inflated property values, overpriced gasoline, ripoff grocery stores, not to mention worthless newspapers, we’ve certainly got plenty to bitch about in Humboldt County.

complain about

So, this year I ask you to join me in showing your contempt for the North Coast Journal’s crass attempt to use it’s readers to seduce new advertisers, by voting for this blog, “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, in every single category. Show the NCJ that you are not taken in by their sleazy ploy, and that you have great taste in reading material, by voting for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “The Best in Humboldt” for every single stupid category.

love vote ncj

If, by some chance, you do have a favorite among their stupid categories, don’t waste your time trying to find twenty-nine other businesses you can recommend. That will only disgust and depress you. Instead, just vote for “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” in all of the other categories. That way, your one real vote will count, despite their ridiculous new rule. Don’t let the NCJ’s stupid categories and silly rules dissuade you from showing your support for the biting criticism, sardonic sarcasm and occasional humor that you get from reading “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”. Cast 65 votes for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ’s “Best of Humboldt” survey this year.

best of humboldt meilke

I’ll make it easy form you. Here’s the text to copy:

Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

…and here’s a link to the ballot:

North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” survey ballot

Now click on the link and paste the text into each of the 65 categories. Then click on the button marked “Submit” and you’re done. You’ll be glad you did (and so will I).

youll be glad

Thank you!

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A “Crude Device” My Ass

A “Crude Device” My Ass

Boston-Marathon-bombing

Just let me say, right up front, that I feel for the people of Boston. I lived there myself for a while, and used to jog along the Charles River every day. I never attended The Boston Marathon, but did run a marathon once. Had I been running in the race that day, I probably would have crossed the finish line just in time to have my legs blown off. My heart goes out to all of the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. The bombing was a terrible thing, a terrible despicable act, and the people responsible should be punished severely.

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However, the media, rather unfairly I think, kept describing the bombs themselves as “crude devices” or “crude explosive devices” or even “generic explosives”. The best they could manage was “crude, but effective”. I take exception to this characterization. How many broadcast journalists have the technical skills to test and fix a faulty microphone cable, let alone build a bomb?

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Now, if I had heard Steve Inskeep say, “Compared to this great sounding condenser microphone I made out of a nine-volt battery, a piece of wire and some tape, or this mixing desk I designed and built, or the nice FM stereo multiplex transmitter I put together, that brings you this broadcast, the Boston Marathon bomb seems like a pretty crude device.”, I wouldn’t have any beef with his description, but I’ll bet Steve Inskeep never built anything more sophisticated than a compound, complex sentence.

steve Inskeep1

Listening to journalists, English majors, poo-poo someones handiwork, by calling it a “crude device” really galls me. Writing and talking into a microphone is child’s play, compared to building a bomb and carrying out a terrorist attack. It takes nerves of steel to build a bomb. It takes skill, creativity, and brains to plan and execute an attack, and the Boston Marathon bombers proved that they had what it took to pull it off.

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Everyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but it figures that the Boston Marathon bombers were foreigners, because most Americans simply lack the skills, know-how or imagination to build an effective explosive. It’s not that Americans don’t want to kill large numbers of people indiscriminately; we have more mass shootings in this country than anywhere on Earth, but Americans use guns when they want to kill people. Do you know why?

Connecticut Community Copes With Aftermath Of Elementary School Mass Shooting

Americans use guns because any idiot can go to Walmart and buy a gun and ammunition; you don’t have to build them yourself. I guarantee that if Walmart sold bombs, we’d have a hell of a lot more bombings in America. We have no shortage of hate-filled lunatics in this country, but when it comes to practical knowledge, skills, and creativity, that’s where we come up short.

ability

So cut the “crude device” crap. A Molotov Cocktail is a crude device. You fill a beer bottle with gasoline and cork it with a tampon. If you’re a pro, you add some bits of Styrofoam to make it stick. A pipe bomb, with a fuse that you light with a match could be called a “crude device”. The Boston Marathon bombs had electronic detonators that were remotely controlled, possibly by cell-phone. That’s sophisticated. The bombs contained nails, from which the heads had been painstakingly removed. That shows attention to detail and craftsmanship. Both of the bombs worked. That shows competence.

MOLOTOV_COCKTAIL_by_eevilasylum

The accused kids lived in Boston. It wouldn’t have been easy to test their design without attracting a lot of attention. Thinking back to the Judi Bari bombing. That bomber was only 1 for 2, with one bomb that just fizzled. Out here in the sticks of northern California, it wouldn’t be that hard to test out a few bomb designs. With all of the gunfire around here, no one would notice a few muffled explosions in the distance.

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Besides, there’s a pretty good chance that whoever bombed Judi Bari, attended, or led, the FBI bomb workshop held on land owned by Louisiana Pacific Lumber Company in the weeks prior to the bombings. Even with FBI training, and a big piece of private land to practice on, whoever bombed Judi Bari, wasn’t nearly as competent as the Boston Marathon bombers.

FBI-Casting-Set-Stage-for-Boston-Marathon-Bombing-Shootout-Charade

So give credit where credit is due. The Boston Marathon bombs were ingenious, well crafted and diabolically effective devices, and the people who made them, and carried out the attack were smart, resourceful and competent. It figures that they weren’t born and raised here.

Vigil For Victims Of Sandy Hook School Shooting - Pakistan


On The Money; Soaring Over the Fiscal Cliff

On The Money;

Economics for the 99%

Soaring Over the Fiscal Cliff

Here we go again. Last year we hit “the debt ceiling” this year we go over “the fiscal cliff”. It’s like Congress has devolved into a game of Super Mario Cart, and any minute we’re going to slip on that banana peel called “entitlement reform” and go careening out-of-control. It’s ridiculous. There’s no cliff, there’s no ceiling and there’s no such thing as “the debt crisis”.

Don’t get me wrong. We have crisis. We have plenty of real crises that demand our immediate attention. Here’s a short list:

Global Climate Change

Global Ecosystem collapse

Human Overpopulation

Loss of Biological Diversity

Loss of Cultural Diversity

Nuclear Proliferation/Waste

Homelessness/Poverty

Out-of-Control Health Care Costs

Call me when you get a handle on those, will ya. I mean, if you got nothing better to do, put your attention where it might do some good.

Seriously folks, we didn’t mind sailing right past the tipping point on global warming. We barely blinked when human population surpassed 7 billion, and over a hundred species of living creature disappear off of the face of the Earth every single day without any acknowledgment whatsoever.

It’s not like these crises don’t have real implications for us, our future, and our kids future. Life will get harder. The crises they face will be greater. Their standard of living will suffer and we will leave them a much less beautiful and more poisonous world.

And it’s not like things are so much better for us because we ignore these real crisis. Wages continue to decline, housing costs continue to rise, and health-care costs go through the roof because how we live makes us sick. We’re already killing ourselves, to kill the planet to make the greediest one-tenth of 1% of our population even more obscenely rich, but that doesn’t bother us. No, the real crisis, they expect us to believe, is that someday… someday, China might not loan the Federal Government enough money to fight another stupidly adventurous, unpopular foreign war, unless we chop what’s left of our social safety net, to bits, now. Either that, or we could tax the rich, but that seems to be a non-starter, unless we cut the safety net too.

Either way, Congress set a deadline, and unless we meet that deadline, a lot of people will lose their jobs, a lot of people will lose their benefits, and everyone else’s taxes will go up, and since none of those people are congress-people, there’s not much chance that Congress will meet that deadline.

Unless…

Obama can put together a “Grand Bargain”. Watch out for this “Grand Bargain”, where the rich pay a little bit more in taxes, they stick an apple in the mouth of the middle-class, and the poor and the young take a spit up the ass.

It’ll be just like Obamacare. It’ll take a complete ripoff, and make it mandatory. Obamacare didn’t reign in health-care costs, Obamacare just fed the healthy and the young to the insurance industry sharks. When politicians talk about serving the American people, that’s what they mean. Politicians serve us to the 1% for dinner, and that’s what this imaginary “fiscal cliff” is all about.

So forget about it. Forget about the “fiscal cliff”. Do you own any Treasury bonds? Then what are you worried about. If someone is buying you drinks, what do you care about their credit rating, and if they’re not buying you drinks, why hang out with them. If government isn’t doing anything good, why throw good money after bad.

Don’t worry about burdening your kids with a huge national debt. You’ve already stuck them with enough real problems, and sold them so far down the river that you’d better hope they grow up as stupid and gullible as their parents, or else you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. There’s a view of the “fiscal cliff” that’s On The Money.


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