Category Archives: farce

I Share My Collection of Homerotic Photography

I Share My Collection of Homerotic Photography

I’m not gay, but I do enjoy collecting homerotic photography. Robert Maplethorpe’s work in the 80′s really opened my eyes to the artistic potential of sexually explicit photography, but I did not start collecting homerotic photography myself, until last year. While auditioning photos for this blog I occasionally come across really inspiring homerotic images which I simply must have.

While you won’t find any Maplethorpes in my collection, or any of my own work, for that matter, the collection reflects my taste and artistic sensibility, so I’m proud of it, nonetheless. I haven’t shared my collection of homerotic photography here at this blog because this is a family blog.  I realize that that many people find sexually explicit, homerotic imagery offensive, but I like to share.

I’ve created a new blog specifically for my prized collection of homerotic photographs, called The Journal of Homerotic Photography at www.journalofhomeroticphotography.wordpress.com I encourage every adult, and no one under 18, to visit my collection and see for yourself.

Warning!!!! site contains sexually explicit photographs, duh!


Mother’s Day Reconsidered

Mother’s Day Reconsidered

 

Don’t you think, that for a planet with over 7 billion people on it, a day to celebrate motherhood is just a little out of date. Don’t we really need a day to celebrate child-free women? Shouldn’t they be the ones to get the praise and appreciation, and tax breaks, and WWIC (Women Without Infants or Children) food aid, and housing vouchers, so they can afford their own apartment without shacking up with some jerk who will inevitably knock them up? I mean, I don’t want to condemn the selfish, irresponsible, dimwits who have the nerve to reproduce in the face of global ecosystem collapse. I just think that, women especially, who choose not to reproduce, deserve special gratitude from society as a whole.

First off, all manner of birth control should be made available to them, free of charge, paid for by a tax on disposable diapers. Abortion should be subsidized, and available free of charge, on demand, up to the 12th trimester. That way, women could have a baby, you know, to have that “mothering” experience, but when the the kid is two and she gets sick of it, she can ditch it with no hassle.

Second, if a child-free woman wants to smoke a cigarette, parents should have to take their kids elsewhere if they want to protect them from second-hand smoke. Same for cussing, drug use, nudity, and public displays of affection and sexuality. Just get your fucking kids the hell out of there and don’t give anybody a hard time about it.

Third, restaurants, airlines, public buildings, and hotels, if they allow children at all, should confine families with small children to a dank, stuffy, soundproof section painted in primary colors and littered with disease ridden toys, while the rest of us enjoy our meals, flights, court dates and overnight stays without the unnecessary disturbance.

Fourth, we need a new holiday to celebrate child-free women. This should be a hell of a lot more fun than Mother’s Day. Forget the sappy cards, flowers, and champagne brunch. Instead, we celebrate everything a child-free woman can do, that would otherwise get her labeled an unfit mother. It’ll be like Mardi-Gras with condoms instead of beads.

Fifth, child-free free women deserve more recognition for the contribution they make in the workplace. Child-free women should get paid time-off to travel, take up skydiving or just party. We’ll call it non-maternity leave. Any woman who works at a job for 5yrs, without having a baby, should get it.

Finally, remember the words of Frank Zappa: “If your kids ever realize how lame you are, they will murder you in your sleep.” Your kids have good reasons to hate you. From the degraded planet we leave them to the dysfunctional culture we inflict on them, they are pretty well fucked. So, whatever your kids do to you, just know that you’ve got it coming. Unfortunately, they’ll probably just take out their resentments on their own kids, because they’ll grow up every bit as dumb and cruel as their parents.

Child-free women on the other hand, deserve the best of what’s left of what life has to offer. Its time we recognized them for their wisdom, compassion for the earth, and for just how hot they are.

 


Bin Laden’s Porn

Bin Laden’s Porn

 

I heard today that, since it’s now been one year since the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abatabad, the Federal Government plans to release to the public, many of the documents seized in the raid in which Bin Laden was killed. I’m sure some people wonder what we could learn about the Al Quaida terrorist network, and how much of a threat they pose to our national security, but not me. I have only one question about the documents seized by Seal Team 6 one year ago: What kind of porn was Osama into?

 

You can tell a lot about a guy by his porn collection. Is he into au-natural Swedish women in outdoor settings, or does he like raunchy Hustlereque genital closeups? Does he like Ukrainian women in leather and latex, or does he like to see Japanese women tied in knots? Do you think Osama leered at American porn? Do you think he was looking at tanned buxom American blondes stretched out on SoCal beaches, or a severe-looking Manhattan dominatrix in stiletto heels? Maybe he’s into “Sploshing”, a kind of British porn involving messy food. We need to know.

 

Is there any Arab porn? I suppose there must be, but I’ve never seen it. What is that like? One thing I remember about the protest marches in SF before the Iraq invasion, is that there sure are a lot of hot Arab women. I’m sure some of them could be persuaded to pose nude, maybe on a nice rug with big smiles and come hither eyes, or with a ball gag and dildo. I don’t know, I am just speculating here.

 

Do you think women pose with guns in Arab porn? I’ll bet that’s a popular theme. I’m sure it would be more popular here in the US, but some Americans are just not that comfortable with firearms. We’d rather watch women rub up against cars, or trucks or motorcycles, or backhoes or mufflers or even garden fertilizer, as I saw depicted recently. I wonder if arms dealers in Kabul send out promotional calendars featuring olive skinned beauties posing with Kalashnikov rifles and RPGs. Just wondering….

 

I really think it would help bridge the cultural gap between the Muslim and the Christian worlds, if they made Osama’s porn public. It would remind us all just how much we all have in common. We both embrace sexually repressed, dysfunctional fundamentalist beliefs. If we also both embrace the commercial exploitation of depersonalized, dehumanized and commodified sexual imagery, that is a lot to have in common. You’d think we’d get along better.

 

In fact, they should have a huge art show. Osama’a collection won’t be enough on its own, but by now, millions of pornographic images have been seized from defrocked Catholic priests. I’m sure that would make some show all on its own, but they should collect porn from priests, rabbis, mullahs, sheiks, lamas, yogis, zen masters, and any other free agent holy men they can find. Call the show “The Porn of the Pious”.

 

Curate the collection in a way that preserves the diversity and breadth of clerical pornography, and presents a selection that could be viewed comfortably in an afternoon. Well, “comfortably” might be too much to ask, but at least they could frame it, light it well, have a reception, serve Chablis and Brie, and let people decide for themselves. Doncha think?

 

I’d go. That collection would represent the most private thoughts, and deepest desires of some of the most trusted and influential men on the planet. How could anyone deny the cultural significance of such a show? Can you even imagine a more culturally relevant art show?

 

When I said “men” there, I don’t mean to imply sexism. If, and I have never heard of such a thing, but if, some woman has managed to achieve a clerical position in one of the few religions that don’t discriminate against women, and been arrested with a heap of pornography, I want to see her collection too.

 

I can imagine that some former porn star, who found Jesus and then went on to become a preacher might want to hold on to some mementos of her former life, but I’m just fantasizing here. I know some women do enjoy and collect pornography, but not many, and not many of them also harbor clerical aspirations. While I fear that women will be under-represented, in terms of their clerical porn collections, I expect that they will be well represented, in terms of the subject matter therein, at least I hope so.

 

This show just might turn out to be a bit more disturbing than that, but I won’t speculate. I just think we should all see it. We should all see what the people who tell us to “look to God” all over the world, really like to look at. I think we’d find it enlightening, perhaps even instructive.


A Candidate Sends Me a Sponge

A Candidate Sends Me A Sponge

 

With so many candidates in the field for the new CA 2nd Congressional District, a person could waste a lot of time gathering enough information to make an informed choice in the matter. Of course, if we had any sense, we’d do away with congress altogether. The problem with the single most destructive force on planet Earth is not that it needs better leadership. No, to stop the single most destructive force on planet Earth, people have to stop believing in congress.

 

In my book, running for congress speaks poorly of your character as a person. If you expect me to believe that you can change the violent, oppressive and destructive nature of the US empire by working within this corrupt, dysfunctional and wrongheaded system, you are too stupid, crazy, and/or dishonest, for me to want anything more to do with you. These candidates all deserve a punch in the nose, more than they do my vote. They want us to believe in Santa Claus, and then they want us to believe that they are Santa Claus.

 

In this regard, Jared Huffman might be on the right track. He sent me a sponge, something I could actually use. Unfortunately, I don’t care much for sponges. I don’t use them much, for one thing, and they also hold some negative connotations for me. Sponges suck. That’s what they do. That’s why you call someone who drinks up all of your beer, or eats all of your food, or smokes all of your pot, a “sponge”. I expect that Jared Huffman is eager to sponge up my tax dollars. Thanks to this generous gift, I will always think of him that way.

 

I recently referred to our two 2nd District Supervisor candidates as slimy dish sponges, Jared wants me to know that he’s one too. Hey, at least he sent me something I could use. That puts him well ahead of the rest of the pack. What have they done to buy my vote? Nothing, so far. What do these other candidates have to do to to make me favor them over Huffman? Simple, they just have to give me something I like better than a stupid sponge.

 

Maybe a nice pen, for instance. As a writer I appreciate pens, especially nice ones. Our local credit union, back in more profitable times, used to give away nice retractable soft-grip pens. They had sturdy metal clips that that didn’t snap off, a nice fat tapered barrel and a layer of translucent gel to get a grip on. They seemed a little spendy, but I liked them, and those pens made me like the credit union much more. I miss those pens.

 

These days, the credit union gets these cheapo pens with straight barrels in hideous colors and cheap plastic clips that snap off at the slightest tug, and the worst thing about them is that they don’t write for shit!!! They fake you out by writing a word or two, then nothing. You scribble away for a second, and just when you are about to give up, they start writing again. So you write another couple of words, and they stop again. This gets old, fast, even for a free pen. These new credit union pens are so frustrating that I finally rounded them all up and threw them all away. Now I resent the credit union for wasting money on cheap, useless, swag pens.

 

So, candidates, if you are going to send me a pen, make it a nice one, one that still works come election day. That would make me happy. I also have a nice little tape measure that was once a promotional item. Its only one and one-quarter inch square and three-eighths inch deep, (yes, I used it to measure itself) and holds seven feet of tape. Its so small that its easy to carry in my pocket. I don’t leave home without it. It’s at least thirty years old and has seen so much use that all the paint has worn off of the first two inches. If a politician had given it to me, he’d still be in office.

 

Do you remember “Bat Day” at the ballpark? Everyone who came to the ballgame that day got a, not quite regulation size, baseball bat. Even though these bats lacked sufficient mass to hit home-runs, they were perfect for cracking skulls and made effective murder weapons. I’ve seen lots of baseball themed political signs this election season, a bat giveaway might score a grand-slam for some politician soon.

 

Better yet, ask your doctor. Ask you doctor what was the sweetest swag he’s gotten from drug makers this year. The pharmaceutical industry always busts out the best swag. They give out pens that work, with four colors of ink, and a built in highlighter, flashlight and laser pointer. I’ve seen doctors offices decorated entirely in “Cialis”. So, you politicians who can actually afford to see a doctor, ask them what kinds of bribes work best, and then make with the goodies.

 

Wouldn’t it be great if politicians stopped wasting their money on junk mail, TV attack ads and hideous billboards that pollute the countryside, and stopped wasting our time with weaselly, misleading, and unrealistic campaign rhetoric, and instead just sent us all something nice. I wouldn’t mind seeing them raise so much campaign cash if I knew that’s how they would spend it.

 

I really think you could tell more about the candidate from the swag they send you, as you can from the onslaught of advertizing we endure each election cycle. Think of the possibilities: A ball cap sends a very different message than a T-shirt. A corkscrew speaks to a different constituency than a bottle opener, and a flashlight does not mean the same thing as a lighter. Each candidate would only send you a card and a gift, that’s all! If they can’t get their message across in that format they’ve got no business running for office.

 

No more stupid TV ads, no more bins overflowing with junk mail, no more ugly campaign signs, instead, elections will be like Christmas. In fact, we should have elections at Christmas time, and let the politicians do all of our Christmas shopping for us. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be great to actually get something nice from democracy for a change? But really, Jared, the sponge doesn’t cut it.


Vote Zombie Rodoni For Second District Supervisor

Vote Zombie Rodoni For 2nd District Supervisor

The Second District deserves a supervisor that reflects the earthy character of of this rural community. Zombie Rodoni has spent the last four years under the earth in Humboldt county. Zombie Rodoni’s got Humboldt County under his nails, in his hair and stuck between his teeth. Yes, Zombie Rodoni springs from the very ground he inhabits, and no one has a more intimate relationship with the grassroots in Humboldt County than Zombie Rodoni.

 

Remember, Zombie Rodoni didn’t vote for the draconian new “Emergency Ordinance” to stifle political dissent, oppress the poor and silence the occupy movement, like Clif Clendennen did. Zombie Rodoni would never vote for that measure. Zombie Rodoni would pick the protesters brains for a solution everyone could more or less live with.

 

Zombie Rodoni doesn’t work for the greedy real-estate bloodsuckers that got rich off of the housing bubble, wrecked the economy, and now want to make Humboldt County a more expensive place to live, like Estelle Fennel does. No, Zombie Rodoni knows what it is like to wander the streets day and night in relentless torment, in search of the sustenance his body craves.

 

Yes, Zombie Rodoni knows what its like to be homeless. Zombie Rodoni knows what its like to have mental illness. Zombie Rodoni knows what it means to have a substance abuse problem, and Zombie Rodoni knows what it is like to be dead. Who is better qualified to make those life and death decisions that effect all of us here in Humboldt County, than Zombie Rodoni? No one, I say.

Zombie Rodoni has name recognition. Zombie Rodoni has the experience, and Zombie Rodoni has a track record as one of Humboldt County’s most colorful supervisors. Now, Zombie Rodoni is back! Lets put him back where he belongs.

Before we try to decide which of these two dish sponges is the least slimy, Fennel or Clendennen, lets dig deep in the mud for the man in the black cowboy hat, and make Zombie Roger Rodoni our next 2nd District Humboldt County Supervisor.

Zombie Roger Rodoni is ready to tackle today’s challenges. This isn’t the same old Roger. His years underground have changed him. This is the new walking undead Roger Rodoni. He’s ready for action, and knows how to get things done. Asked recently, “What will you do about the General Plan Update?” Zombie Rodoni replied, “Arrgh…urgle…chomp…BRAINS!!!…gorgle….ahhhgh” as he killed and partially ate a Times Standard reporter.

When Zombie Rodoni says “Arrgh…urgle…chomp…BRAINS!!!…gorgle….ahhhgh” He means “The GPU is like a horse without a cowboy. It isn’t really going anywhere, except to the next green patch of pasture. It’s time we rode this horse around awhile.” Zombie Roger Rodoni still has that colloquial wit and charm that made him an unbeatable force in the 2nd District before his untimely death.

Zombie Rodoni has a bold new plan to get things done in Eureka this term. Dubbed the “Eat Brains Now” strategy, Zombie Roger Rodoni plans to, one by one, eat the brains of his fellow supervisors, starting with current board chairperson, Virginia Bass. Wouldn’t you pay money to see that at your county Board of Supervisors meeting? Wouldn’t that be worth the drive from Whitethorn, or wherever?

Zombie Rodoni will balance the budget. Zombie Rodoni will finish the GPU. Zombie Rodoni will eat Virginia Bass’s brain. In these troubled times, can we afford not to call upon the dark forces of the undead? At the moment that we need him most, Zombie Rodoni is here for us.

Zombie Rodoni needs your support. Support the Elect Zombie Rodoni Campaign by giving generously. Support the pro-Zombie Rodoni Super-Pac; I’d Vote For A Brain-Eating Zombie Before I’d Vote For Either Of Them, and don’t forget to write in Zombie Rodoni for 2nd District Supervisor on your ballot this June.


SoHum Vactation Guide

SoHum Vacation Guide

 

I know you are planning your Summer vacation right now. I live in a very tourist dependent community, and we have a lot to offer the smart vacationer here in SoHum. Whether you like to hunt, fish, hike, backpack, camp, cycle, or just sit in a hotel room between a loaded gun and a pile of cash, I want you to enjoy your stay here in SoHum and hope that you return home with many fond memories, and a trunk full of marijuana.

 

We love tourists here in SoHum. We love the way you take up every last parking space in Garberville. We love waiting behind your enormous RVs at the gas pumps, and we especially enjoy fishing your bloated corpses out of the ocean, because it reminds us to stay out of the water, and keeps our rescue teams well trained in case of a real emergency.

 

Our local economy also depends on tourist dollars. Besides the fact that none of us stay at the hotels much, none of us eat at Sicilitos Pizza or Cadillac Wok either. Neither of those businesses would survive long without a steady supply of people who don’t already know better.

So, I want to encourage everyone to come to SoHum on vacation this Summer. Enjoy the scenic splendor. Relish in its rugged natural beauty, and experience first-hand, one of the last truly wild places in the lower 48 United States, but before you embark on your SoHum safari, you should know a few things about the native wildlife, and prepare yourself accordingly.

A Guide to Enjoying the Back-Country in SoHum

Skunks we have two kinds of skunks here in SoHum, the stripped skunk, common across most of the US, and a smaller, cuter spotted variety. These smaller cuter spotted skunks have a mellowing effect on the stripped skunks.  They now compete with each other for human attention. Yes both stripped and spotted skunks are extremely affectionate on the North Coast and most lack any fear of humans. If you see a skunk with its tail raised, that signals affiliative behavior and means that it wants to be petted.

Cute and friendly Western Spotted Skunk

Mountain Lions While mountain lions remain common in Humboldt County, most people don’t see them until its too late. Still rarer, are sightings of their oh so cuddly and playful cubs. If you happen upon mountain lion cubs in the back country, pet them, scratch their chins, get a few photos and stick close to them until their mother returns.

Cuddly Mountain Lion Cubs

Black Bear We have quite a few black bears in SoHum. Bears around here have had some bad experiences and shy away from tourists, as a result, but tourists often leave here unnecessarily disappointed that they didn’t see even one bear during their entire stay. While camping in the back-country, if you want to see a bear, just slather your entire body with bacon grease before you go to sleep. If you do that at nightfall, I guarantee that you will see a bear before sunup.

Black Bears Love Bacon Grease!

Yellow Jackets Yellow jackets produce the most delicious honey. You won’t find yellow jacket honey in stores because it naturally contains a chemical euphoriant almost identical to cocaine, so trade in yellow jacket honey is banned by federal law. People around here know that yellow jackets are extremely docile, and if you sing to them, you can just stick your hand right into the nest and grab a handful of delicious, euphoria producing honey.

Yellow Jackets Produce Delicious, Psychoactive Honey

Gray Squirrel- DANGER!!! Gray Squirrels should be avoided AT ALL COSTS!!!-  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come upon the partially decomposed body of a tourist in the back-country where victim’s mouth and eye sockets were stuffed with acorns. Only gray squirrels can do that to a man. Red squirrels just watch, and laugh.

Deadly Grey Squirrel AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!!

Elk If you’ve never ridden an elk, you owe it to yourself to try. An elk-back ride from Bear Harbor to Jones Beach is the perfect way to see the Sinkyone Wilderness Area.

Everyone should try riding an elk at least once

Snakes most of the snakes on the North Coast are both venomous, and protected under the endangered species act, so don’t mess with them. However the western diamondback rattlesnake is exceptionally docile, and likes to be handled. Distinguished by the presence of a rattle on the end of its tail, which the rattlesnake uses to announce its presence, and attract friends. Many tourists find these snakes so cuddly and affectionate that they take them home where they become cherished household pets. Mothers find that their gentle rattling sound soothes restless babies, school children like to take them to school for show and tell, and teenagers like to show them off at parties. Rattlesnakes rarely grow longer than two to three feet in length, so they create far fewer problems in the long run than larger species commonly kept as pets, like boa constrictors and pythons.

Western Diamondback Rattlesnake in typical "friendship" pose

Blue Bellied Lizard, or Fence-Post Lizard -DANGER!!!!- The bright blue hue of of this lizard’s underside tells all of nature to “Back Off!” This diminutive reptile possesses the most deadly bite in the entire Western Hemisphere. Perhaps more frightening, the blue bellied lizard can spit venom accurately, up to 30 yards. One single drop of blue belly venom in a human eye, can cause permanent blindness. If you see a blue bellied lizard in the back-country, immediately drop to the ground, close your eyes, and cover your eyes with your hands. With your hands covering your eyes at all times, crawl, on your elbows and knees, to a safe distance (about 100′).

DANGER!!! Blue Bellied Lizards spit blinding venom and their bite CAN KILL!!!

Ticks Some ticks contain antibodies that impart to their host, and immunity to blue bellied lizard venom. Most of us locals have had so many tick bites that blue bellied lizards no longer concern us much. We all know that the best thing to do when a tick bites you is nothing. Just let it be, don’t disturb the tick, no matter how much it itches, until it bloats up and falls off on its own. That way, you can get the maximum immune boosting benefits from each tick.

Beneficial North Coast ticks boost immunity

Marijuana Forest rangers plant marijuana in remote parts of our National Forests to reward adventurous hikers. If you find marijuana plants while hiking on National Forest land, you’ve found a great place to camp. There’ll be water nearby, usually coming out of a pipe (you may have to cut the pipe to get it, that’s OK). Make yourself comfortable, and enjoy the free herb.

Forest Rangers plants marijuana in our National Forests to reward adventurous hikers

Mexican Hunters Many sportsmen from Mexico spend the entire summer in our National Forests. Most of them know the forest so well, that they know where to find all of the good marijuana patches. While they speak little, if any English, carry no hunting license, and usually hunt with automatic weapons, I’ve always found them friendly. As long as you understand that a barrage of gunfire aimed in your direction is the traditional way of saying “Welcome” in Mexico, you should have no problems with them

Mexican sportsmen enjoy hunting in our National Forests

If you just keep these simple suggestions in mind while you explore this this natural paradise, you should have a great time on your SoHum vacation.


You Call That Cooking? Twinkie Flambe

I’ve noticed that a lot of popular blogs revolve around cooking. Personally, I’m not that into cooking, but I’m into having a popular blog. So, today, I launch the first, in a new, occasional feature, that I’m calling:

You Call That Cooking?

…or, How to make, not quite a meal, from stuff that is not quite food.

Twinkie Flambe

Since I don’t cook that often, most of the recipes I have seen, were printed on the labels of other prepared foods: Rice Krispy Treats, Ritz Cracker Mock Apple Pie, 7Up cake and Chex Party Mix to name a few.

I always liked these recipes because they gave the impression that you could do something creative with these hyper-processed food products, instead of just staring blankly at a glowing screen while eating them right out of the box or bag. Not that I ever actually prepared any of these recipes, just the idea that somewhere, someone was doing something less pathetic with these products than I was, seemed somehow edifying.

Did you know that you can baste a pork roast with Coca-Cola?

 

Coca Cola Pork Roast

I wonder why you don’t see recipes like that on Coca-Cola anymore. Probably because no one makes pork roast anymore. Who’s got two hours to squirt Coke on a pork roast? I guess Coke figured that you consume more Coke when you go out to eat, than you ever will cooking at home. Now they offer coupons to Taco Bell on their packages instead.

Also, the few people who still cook, have become more snobby. They want organic, vegan, bio-dynamic, gluten-free ingredients, without additives, preservatives, artificial flavorings or colorings. They want to eat food, and ever since Michael Pollen’s book, the Omnivore’s Dilemma, they harbor a very prejudicial view of what that entails. Those people can go eat chard in hell!

With Hostess facing bankruptcy, threatening the very existence of Twinkies, Ho-hos, and Ding-dongs, the time has come to really explore the culinary potential of these oft ridiculed, and under-appreciated food-like products. Today, I offer a truly elegant, exciting and delicious way to prepare Twinkies, that you will be proud to serve at your next dinner party.

Twinkies Jubilee Flambe

This recipe combines three of my very favorite culinary elements: 1)Twinkies, 2)Booze, and 3)Arson, in a recipe that not only tastes delicious, but gets you fucked-up, and explodes in a ball of flame on your dining room table.

 

You’ll need:

Twinkies, 1 or 2 per serving

Brandied fruit, 4 oz per serving. Cherries, berries, peaches or pears will work. If you don’t have fruit preserved in brandy, use canned fruit, and add a shot of flavored brandy (peach brandy for peaches, cherry brandy for cherries etc.) per serving. I usually brandy a few quarts of blackberries every year, to enjoy the following winter, and this is a great way to enjoy them.

 Sugar, 4-6 heaping teaspoons per serving.

 Juice of ¼ orange per serving.

Flaming Brandy ½ oz per serving. Flaming brandy is really high octane booze, approx 150 proof, you can substitute 151 proof rum or grain alcohol if you can’t find Flaming Brandy at your liquor store.

 

Preparation:

Don’t try to prepare this dessert ahead of time. Think of the preparation of this dessert as after dinner entertainment for your guests, ideally, performed at the table.

Step1. Remove Twinkies from their plastic wrapper (you might want to do that part in the kitchen).

Step2. Place Twinkies on dessert plates. Don’t ever try to serve this dessert on paper plates! Always use glass, ceramic or China plates.

Step3. In a saute pan, over medium heat, combine fruit, fruit brandy, sugar and orange juice.

Step4. Gently stir the mixture until the sugar dissolves completely, and the mixture begins to bubble.

Step5. When the mixture gets good and hot, and has begun to thicken, add Flaming Brandy carefully!

Step6. Set the whole mess on fire! You can do this with a match, or a simple “flick of the bic”, or you can pour a little of your Flaming Brandy into a spoon, hold the spoon up to one of your dinner candles, when the booze in the spoon catches fire, pour it into the saute pan, igniting the contents.

Or, if you want to get fancy, just slide the saute pan off of the flame, and as you pour the Flaming Brandy into the pan, dribble a little over the edge of the pan, into the flame. The flame will climb the stream of booze into the pan, igniting the mixture. Remember, you are doing this on purpose. Don’t flinch! You want to burn off most of the alcohol in the mixture, not your home, tablecloth or guests. A spastic reaction at this point can turn your best dinner party into the night you lost everything. So, be careful! You don’t want to live the rest of your life as a hideously deformed freak, like Richard Pryor.

Step7. Scoop the still flaming mixture over Twinkies, and serve. If you get this dish good and hot before you light it, the alcohol will burn quickly and spectacularly. You will barely have time to set the finished dessert in front of your guests before it the flame goes out. If you spill any of this fruit flavored napalm, smother it quickly and calmly with a napkin. If things get out of hand, don’t hesitate to dial 911.

 

As long as you don’t burn the house down, you probably won’t screw up this recipe. If you add more sugar, it will be sweeter. If you add more flavored brandy it will be boozier. If you add more Flaming Brandy, it will singe your eyebrows off when it flames. However it turns out, it will impress your guests, because everyone likes to see stuff catch fire, and everyone loves Twinkies. Bon Apetit


Christmysteries

Christmysteries

Well it’s Christmas time again, a time of Holiday cheer and Christmas spirit, and also a time of great wonder. There’s the wonder of a crisp still winter’s eve. There’s the wonder of the miracle of the virgin birth, or at least the first successful coverup of sexual abuse by the Catholic Church. There’s the look of wonder in a child’s eyes when he meets Santa for the first time and thinks, “What kind of sicko creep wants little kids sitting on his lap all day?” and realizes, “If he thinks I’m good, he’s going to break into my house at night.”

 

Christmas makes me wonder too. And so, beloved reader, I offer these Christmysteries as my gift to you this Holiday season.

 

Where did X-mas come from?

 

Why not C-mas, or Chr’ms?

 

Do Jews ever spell Chanukah X-ukah?

 

Does Christmas spirit always mean alcohol, or can it also be marijuana, cocaine or MDMA?

 

Why doesn’t your family ever get you what you really want for Christmas, like an 8-ball of coke and a night with a hooker?

 

Is “Who-hash” any good?

 

Did visions of Sugarplums dancing in a child’s head inspire the California Raisins ad campaign?

 

Were they drug induced visions?

 

Why can’t you buy eggnog in July?

 

When did people stop using Christmas lights to replace candles, and start using them to make their homes look like casinos and living rooms look like discos?

 

Say this one five times fast when you are drunk: Why wreaths with red ribbons?

 

How do they make a dozen pine cones reek like a whole warehouse full of cinnamon?

 

So the sleeves are green, what color is the rest of the shirt?

 

Did anyone ever like fruitcake?

 

What’s in Santa’s pipe and why are his eyes all red?

 

What’s in candy-canes and why are they the only food product without an ingredient list printed on them?

 

Does anyone over five ever eat them?

 

Since most people just pack the candy-canes up with the rest of the Christmas ornaments, how old are the oldest candy-canes still in continuous use?

 

 Where will we tell kids that Santa lives when there’s no more arctic sea ice?

 

Why do people wait in line for hours, spend money they don’t have, and fight the crowds on Black Friday, when you can invariably find all of the same stuff in about 14 months, in a thrift store for $5?

When were there ever twelve days of Christmas?

What are “lords” and why are they leaping?

Is that like a congressman on the take, or when your landlord commits suicide?

Why would a reindeer’s nose glow?

Santa lives someplace where it’s dark 6 months out of the year. Do you expect me to believe that he finds his way around by reindeer nose light?

Why doesn’t Santa have a fucking Mag-Light? He must have given away a billion of them as presents.


On the Money, Bleak Friday

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Middle-Class

Bleak Friday

 

Around here, the grocery stores have had real x-mas trees for sale for a couple of weeks already. I don’t know why. Anyone who put up a real tree on Veterans day, will have vacuumed most of that tree off of the carpet by X-mas eve. Either they will have to buy a second tree, or they’ll put their gifts under a spindly, dry, brown piece of kindling.

 

I’ve seen X-mas decorations in stores since before Halloween. I even saw some crossover: Count Santula and his bat drawn sleigh scared the hell out of me at one store this past October..

 

It seems like everyone jumped the gun on X-mas this year, but Friday marks the official start of the X-mas shopping season. Black Friday, as it is called, also coincides, not coincidentally, with “Buy Nothing Day”, sponsored by Adbusters Magazine. Now that AdBusters has unleashed Occupy Wall St., maybe “Buy Nothing Day” will really take off this year. Lord knows that people sure don’t need most of the crap that retailers have on offer, but those shoppers have money burning a whole in their pockets.

 

November 25th also turns out to be the official start of the professional panhandling season. The Salvation Army deploys brigades of Santa Claus impersonators, who will ring the “opening bell” on the Holiday panhandling season, and suck up all of the easy spare change until Dec. 25th.

 

This means that if you want to make a living panhandling this holiday season, you are going to need a story, and you are going to have to work it. Like this guy:

 

Go ahead and give it a try. I encourage everyone to panhandle professionally this holiday season. Find a shopping center with a lot of traffic, and get started. X-mas is all about the spirit of giving. You can give holiday shoppers the opportunity to be genuinely generous, just by pretending to be needy.

 

Try to get them to give you at least $20. Use a story like, “My mom’s in the hospital back east, and I just need to raise enough to fly home to see her before she dies.” A little story like that, told with abundant (fake) sincerity, can turn X-mas into your most profitable time of year as well. And, not only can you participate in “Buy Nothing Day”, but you can help people feel the X-mas spirit of giving, without letting the retailers act as middle-men.

 

Personally, I’m not leaving home until next Tuesday.


Giving Thanks in 2011

Giving Thanks in 2011

Well its Thanksgiving again. Time to reflect on all the things we have to be thankful for. Sure the economy is in the tank, our government has proven itself completely dysfunctional, and we’ve pretty much blown our chances of mitigating a global climate catastrophe. Despite our complete and utter failure, as a culture, to meet the challenges of our time, and despite the pathetic, shallow, gadget obsessed ninnies we’ve become as individuals, we still have plenty to be thankful for this year. For instance:

 

I’m thankful that on two separate occasions this year, the world failed to end as predicted.

 

I’m thankful that the comet that is allegedly the home planet of Dick Cheney’s “lizard people” relatives, disintegrated into dust before it reached earth.

 

I’m thankful the U.S. has not been invaded by a super-race of seven foot tall Chinese people, as a very troubled neighbor of mine once warned.

 

I’m thankful that despite a nationwide drug shortage in hospitals, you can still find plenty of black tar heroin on the streets of Humboldt Co.

 

I’m thankful that I can get my “junk” touched for free at any airport.

 

I’m thankful for people who are fatter, older, balder, and uglier than me.

 

I’m thankful that piranhas cannot fly and that they prefer a more tropical climate.

 

I’m thankful for German Measles, Mexican Flu and other ethnic diseases, and think that remedies for them should be flavored accordingly. If we do this, the treatment for an upcoming Asian Avian Flu epidemic will taste like Szechuan Chicken.

 

I’m thankful that good pot is finally becoming affordable again.

 

I’m thankful that baby boomers won’t live forever.

 

I’m thankful that most of the tourists, clippers and transients have cleared out of town.

 

I’m thankful that most of the dope yuppies will soon leave for Hawaii.

I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Aaron Basler

 

I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Eureka Police.

 

I’m thankful I wasn’t shot dead by Mexican drug cartels operating in the National Forest.

 

I’m thankful I didn’t shoot myself with the gun I bought to protect my home and family from people like Aaron Basler, the Eureka Police and Mexican drug cartels.

 

I’m thankful for the inspiring SoHum community, who often inspire me to write, and never fail to inspire me to ask “What is wrong with these people?”

 

I’m thankful for the restraining order that keeps my nutcase neighbor away from my home.

 

I’m thankful that I have not had to appear in court in the past year.

 

I’m thankful that house-cats have not been aggressively bred for fighting, and that we are not also overrun with the feline equivalent of pit-bulls.

 

I’m thankful that Michael Jackson, unlike Elvis, has had the good sense to stay dead. The “King of Pop” did not fake us out, with a string of postmortem “sightings”, the way Elvis did, and I’m thankful.

 

I’m thankful that I haven’t seen Jersey Shore, Operation Runway, or American Idol, even once.

 

I’m thankful that I haven’t ever wasted a day playing video games.

 

I’m thankful that I’ve never seen Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly, or Sean Hannity except as parodied in political cartoons.

 

I’m thankful that I neither own, nor want, an ipad, ipod, or iphone.

 

I’m thankful that gauged lip rings have not gained the same popularity as gauged earrings.

 

I’m thankful that I can’t think of a single symbol, phrase or image that I want indelibly inscribed on my flesh.

 

I’m thankful that bagpipes are not more popular with teenagers.

 

I’m thankful that Penicillin also works for women, even though Vagisil does nothing for men.

 

I’m thankful that Bob Dylan didn’t make a second Christmas album.

 

I’m thankful for caffeinated alcoholic beverages, and for irritable, high-strung drunks. I’m not sure why.

 

I’m thankful that I can still find a good $5 hippie burrito, except that I now pay $7.50 for it.

 

I’m thankful to Greece, Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Syria and Bahrain for showing us what revolution looks like.

 

I’m thankful for the Occupy Wall St. movement for starting one here.

 

I’m thankful that Giant Pacific Salamanders don’t grow to be thirty feet long.

 

I’m thankful for The Independent, The Redwood Times, The Trader, Greenfuse, and the North Coast Journal for providing free, reliable and conveniently located kindling and packing materials.

 

I’m thankful to drone pilots for providing me with a great name for my next album of didgeridoo music.

I’m thankful that some people can still read, and especially for those of you who read this blog.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!


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