A “Crude Device” My Ass

A “Crude Device” My Ass

Just let me say, right up front, that I feel for the people of Boston. I lived there myself for a while, and used to jog along the Charles River every day. I never attended The Boston Marathon, but did run a marathon once. Had I been running in the race that day, I probably would have crossed the finish line just in time to have my legs blown off. My heart goes out to all of the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. The bombing was a terrible thing, a terrible despicable act, and the people responsible should be punished severely.

However, the media, rather unfairly I think, kept describing the bombs themselves as “crude devices” or “crude explosive devices” or even “generic explosives”. The best they could manage was “crude, but effective”. I take exception to this characterization. How many broadcast journalists have the technical skills to test and fix a faulty microphone cable, let alone build a bomb?

Now, if I had heard Steve Inskeep say, “Compared to this great sounding condenser microphone I made out of a nine-volt battery, a piece of wire and some tape, or this mixing desk I designed and built, or the nice FM stereo multiplex transmitter I put together, that brings you this broadcast, the Boston Marathon bomb seems like a pretty crude device.”, I wouldn’t have any beef with his description, but I’ll bet Steve Inskeep never built anything more sophisticated than a compound, complex sentence.

Listening to journalists, English majors, poo-poo someones handiwork, by calling it a “crude device” really galls me. Writing and talking into a microphone is child’s play, compared to building a bomb and carrying out a terrorist attack. It takes nerves of steel to build a bomb. It takes skill, creativity, and brains to plan and execute an attack, and the Boston Marathon bombers proved that they had what it took to pull it off.

Everyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but it figures that the Boston Marathon bombers were foreigners, because most Americans simply lack the skills, know-how or imagination to build an effective explosive. It’s not that Americans don’t want to kill large numbers of people indiscriminately; we have more mass shootings in this country than anywhere on Earth, but Americans use guns when they want to kill people. Do you know why?

Americans use guns because any idiot can go to Walmart and buy a gun and ammunition; you don’t have to build them yourself. I guarantee that if Walmart sold bombs, we’d have a hell of a lot more bombings in America. We have no shortage of hate-filled lunatics in this country, but when it comes to practical knowledge, skills, and creativity, that’s where we come up short.

So cut the “crude device” crap. A Molotov Cocktail is a crude device. You fill a beer bottle with gasoline and cork it with a tampon. If you’re a pro, you add some bits of Styrofoam to make it stick. A pipe bomb, with a fuse that you light with a match could be called a “crude device”. The Boston Marathon bombs had electronic detonators that were remotely controlled, possibly by cell-phone. That’s sophisticated. The bombs contained nails, from which the heads had been painstakingly removed. That shows attention to detail and craftsmanship. Both of the bombs worked. That shows competence.

The accused kids lived in Boston. It wouldn’t have been easy to test their design without attracting a lot of attention. Thinking back to the Judi Bari bombing. That bomber was only 1 for 2, with one bomb that just fizzled. Out here in the sticks of northern California, it wouldn’t be that hard to test out a few bomb designs. With all of the gunfire around here, no one would notice a few muffled explosions in the distance.

Besides, there’s a pretty good chance that whoever bombed Judi Bari, attended, or led, the FBI bomb workshop held on land owned by Louisiana Pacific Lumber Company in the weeks prior to the bombings. Even with FBI training, and a big piece of private land to practice on, whoever bombed Judi Bari, wasn’t nearly as competent as the Boston Marathon bombers.

So give credit where credit is due. The Boston Marathon bombs were ingenious, well crafted and diabolically effective devices, and the people who made them, and carried out the attack were smart, resourceful and competent. It figures that they weren’t born and raised here.

 

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? CD Release Party in Garberville this Friday

Tin Can Luminary’s New Album, Um… Uh… Gum Eh?

CD Release Party in Garberville this Friday

This Friday, May 3 at the Hemp Connection in Garberville, I’ll debut my new album of Circuit-bent music titled Um… Uh… Gum Eh?

For younger readers, and others who might miss the rather obscure musical reference, the title and cover parody what is widely regarded as the worst (at least excluding the post-Roger dreck) Pink Floyd album, titled Ummagumma, a double album originally released in 1970.

A careful observer, or anyone with nothing better to do, can spot many parallels between Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma and my new album Um… Uh… Gum Eh? For instance:

Both albums contain a song about a guy who cuts people up with a sharp object:

Ummagumma has Careful With That Axe, Eugene

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Mr. Whisker.

Both albums include songs about outer space:

Ummagumma has Astronomy Domine

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has The Saucer People Speak

Both albums have songs about knowledgeable beings:

Ummagumma has The Grand Vizier’s Garden Party

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has The Orb of Omniscience

Both albums have long, spacy pieces where the only lyrics are “Oooh, Aaahh, and Ohhh”

Ummagumma has A Saucerful of Secrets

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Interzone Transit Authority

Both albums have collections of unrecognizable sounds, combined with spoken words:

Ummagumma has Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has I Made A Collage

Both albums have song titles that reference Greek mythology

Ummagumma has Sysyphus

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? has Sirens of Space, and here’s what it sounds like:

While Pink Floyd is famous for using gobs of state-of-the-art music equipment, I recorded Um… Uh… Gum Eh? With instruments I made out of tin cans, cigar boxes and second-hand childrens toys. That’s the state of my art, extremely low-budget and uniquely homemade. Even though Ummagumma is probably the worst Pink Floyd album, Um… Uh… Gum Eh? is undoubtedly my best album to date.  Um… Uh… Gum Eh? is my seventh solo album, btw.

Does Um… Uh… Gum Eh? sound better than Pink Floyd at their worst? Yeah, I think so. Does Um… Uh… Gum Eh? Sound like Pink Floyd? Not really, but like Pink Floyd, Um… Uh… Gum Eh? sounds great when you are really high. It’s a trip!

Um… Uh… Gum Eh? will make you smile, take you on a tour of the cosmos and bring you to the brink of insanity, before safely returning you to Earth.  Here’s the first video single from Um… Uh… Gum Eh? titled: Falling

So come out to The Hemp Connection in Garberville

on Friday, May 3rd to hear more from Um… Uh… Gum Eh?, see and hear my homemade circuit-bent instruments, and to hear me play electric didgeridoo, for free, as part of Arts Alive.  Also on the bill will be Patchy Fogg, playing musical saw.

 

Introducing: The lygsbtd Smart Phone App

 

Introducing: The lygsbtd Smart Phone App

(Thanks to Fanny Oakley for this brilliant idea)

I know that, these days, a lot of you do most of your web browsing on your smart-phone. I’ve never used a cell phone myself, smart or otherwise, but I see you out there, entranced by your little glowing slab, completely oblivious to anything else happening around you. Yes, I see all of you hot, sexy young people, obsessively fondling your little gadgets, and it occurred to me that you could be fondling me. That’s why I invented the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do smart-phone app.

Now we can share the intimacy of the tiny touch screen. I can feel the gentle caress of your nimble fingertips as you zoom in and out, perusing my weekly posts, comforted by the soothing warmth of your body heat as you cradle me in your delicate hands. Tight against the supple curve of your hip as I ride around in your pocket, you’ll share all of the most intimate details of your life with me, your browsing habits, the phone numbers of all of your friends, your account numbers, passwords and PINs. I’m so eager to meet all of your friends, and to get to know you better.

Yes, I’m really looking forward to moving into this deeper phase of our relationship through your personal mobile device. For years now I’ve put myself out there for you. You can read what I have to say and enjoy free entertainment, but I’ve never asked you for anything in return before. Now, we have the opportunity for a little more give and take in the relationship, and I think you will find it a much more satisfying experience for both of us.

You just have to take the next step. Download the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do app to your iphone or Android based smart-phone, and we can begin this new phase in our relationship. The Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do app only costs $1.99, but don’t hesitate at the price. It’s a mere pittance really, and I need to know that you really want to take the next step. Believe me, compared to what lies ahead for us together, $1.99 will seem like nothing at all.

Of course, you have to agree to the terms of the user agreement, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m sure you’ve clicked through dozens of similar agreements without even reading them, and I encourage you to do the same with this one. It’s just a formality really, and the quicker you agree to it, the sooner we can get to the content you so passionately desire.

USER AGREEMENT

BY DOWNLOADING THE “LIKE YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING BATTER TO DO” APPLICATION FOR MOBIL DEVICES, YOU, HEREAFTER IN THIS DOCUMENT, REFERRED TO AS “THE USER” (IRONICALLY), AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING:

USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR OF THIS APPLICATION, HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS “THE PURVEYOR”, COMPLETE AND UNFETTERED ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE MOBIL DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, AS WELL AS ANY AND ALL INFORMATION ON OTHER DEVICES, WEBSITES, SERVERS, ETC THAT THE PURVEYOR CAN ACCESS BY MEANS OF UTILIZING THE INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THIS DEVICE.

THE USER AGREES THAT ALL PHOTOS VIDEOS OR OTHER MEDIA STORED ON THE DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, OR ANY OTHER DEVICE THE PURVEYOR MAY ACCESS THROUGH THE DEVICE SHALL BE HENCEFORTH DEEMED THE SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY OF THE PURVEYOR. THE PURVEYOR MAY FREELY USE, COPY AND DISTRIBUTE SAID MEDIA IN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, FOR ANY PURPOSE, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE USER HEREBY RELINQUISHES ANY AND ALL RIGHTS TO SAID MEDIA AND GRANTS EXCLUSIVE WORLDWIDE COPYRIGHT OF SAID MEDIA TO THE PURVEYOR.

IN SUCH CASE AS THE USER DID NOT PREVIOUSLY OWN THE EXCLUSIVE COPYRIGHT TO SAID MEDIA, THE USER ACCEPTS FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY LOSS, LIABILITY OR CLAIMS MADE BY THE RIGHTFUL OWNER OF THE COPYRIGHTS FOR ANY USE OF SAID MEDIA BY THE PURVEYOR.

THE USER HEREBY GRANTS PERMISSION TO THE PURVEYOR TO UTILIZE THE DEVICE FOR COMMUNICATION PURPOSES, UTILIZING ANY AND ALL MODES THAT THE DEVICE IS CAPABLE OF, FOR WHATEVER PURPOSE THE PURVEYOR DEEMS APPROPRIATE, USEFUL, CONVENIENT, PROFITABLE, OR ENTERTAINING. THE USER FURTHER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE CHARGED, WITH SUFFICIENT BATTERY POWER, OR DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO A POWER SOURCE AT ALL TIMES.

THE USER AGREES TO MAINTAIN AT LEAST 30GIGABYTE PER MONTH DATA PLAN AND RESERVE AT LEAST 25 GIGABYTE PER MONTH FOR USE BY THE PURVEYOR. THE USER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE WITHIN STRONG SIGNAL RANGE AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT TO INTERFERE IN ANY WAY WITH THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE.

THE USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL BANK ACCOUNTS, LINES OF CREDIT, EXPENSE ACCOUNTS, FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS, REAL ESTATE HOLDINGS AND OTHER INVESTMENT ACCOUNTS HELD BY THE USER OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS, FOR ANY REASON. THE USER HEREBY GRANTS THE PURVEYOR PERMISSION TO MAKE ANY AND ALL TRANSACTIONS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO BALANCE INQUIRIES, DEPOSITS, WITHDRAWALS, OPENING OR CLOSING OF ACCOUNTS, PURCHASES OR SALES OF ITEMS OR ASSETS ON ANY AND ALL SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS.

THE USER SHALL CREATE NO OBSTACLE TO PREVENT THE PURVEYOR’S ACCESS TO SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS. THE USER SHALL NOT TRANSFER FUNDS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS, NOR MAKE CHANGES PIN NUMBERS OR PASSWORDS, WITHOUT PROVIDING THE PURVEYOR WITH ALL INFORMATION AND PERMISSIONS NECESSARY TO ACCESS ANY AND ALL ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS HELD BY THE USER, OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS.

THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH ENTHUSIASTIC SEXUAL GRATIFICATION AT ANY TIME, ON DEMAND OF THE PURVEYOR, AND TO PRESENT ANY AND ALL SEXUAL ORIFICES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE USERS MOUTH, VAGINA AND ANUS IN A LUBRICATED AND RECEPTIVE MANOR FOR SAID GRATIFICATION, ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF THE USER. FURTHER THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH THE USERS COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY, AND TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS REGARDING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES TRUTHFULLY.

ANY OFFSPRING RESULTANT FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BETWEEN THE USER AND THE PURVEYOR, OR ANY OTHER PERSON SHALL BECOME, AT AGE 18, THE INDENTURED SERVANT OF THE PURVEYOR FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF SAID OFFSPRING. THIS AGREEMENT EXEMPTS THE PURVEYOR FROM ANY OTHER LIABILITY OR OBLIGATION TO THE USER OR SAID OFFSPRING FOR ANY REASON.

THE USER AGREES TO HOLD THE PURVEYOR BLAMELESS, HARMLESS AND EXEMPT FROM ANY CLAIMS, CHARGES, LIABILITIES, OR LAWSUITS MADE BY THE USER, THE USER’S AGENTS, FRIENDS, CONTACTS, SPOUSES, BUSINESS PARTNERS, OR ANY OTHER PERSONS AGAINST THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DAMAGE TO THE DEVICE CAUSED BY THE APPLICATION, LOSS OF DATA, FAILURE OF THE APPLICATION TO MEET USER EXPECTATIONS, FINANCIAL LOSSES, PROPERTY LOSSES, ANY APPLICABLE FEES, LOSS OF CREDIT, PHYSICAL HARM, MENTAL ANGUISH, EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, LEGAL FEES, OR DEATH STEMMING FROM THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE, THE INFORMATION OBTAINED THROUGH THE DEVICE, THE USER, THE USERS OFFSPRING OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. FURTHER, THE USER AGREES TO REIMBURSE THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY AND ALL EXPENSES THE PURVEYOR MAY INCUR RESULTANT FROM ANY SUCH CLAIMS.

 

On the Money; Foie Gras

 

On The Money;

Economics For the 99%

Foie Gras

Edit

 

Despite their fat books, and complex economic models, economists fail to comprehend the nature of economic activity. They don’t realize that the economy is an organic part of a greater organism known as society, and an even greater organism known as the environment. In other words, the economy is not a thing in itself. Instead, it is a part of our lives, and our lives are part of life on Earth. Ideally, the economy should be a much smaller part of our lives, and much less of a burden to life on Earth.

 

 

To illustrate this relationship, you could think of the economy as the liver of a goose. The liver of a healthy goose is about the size of a human thumb, and at that size it serves the goose very well. In a healthy goose, this small organ helps the goose digest and process all of the seeds, plant material, bugs and small fish that a healthy goose eats, and turns that food into strong goose muscles, shiny warm goose feathers, healthy goose eggs, and gives the goose all of the energy that it needs to fly thousands of miles each year as part of its annual migration. That’s what a goose’s liver is supposed to do.

 

 

However, some people who raise captive geese, don’t care about the health of their geese. They don’t want their geese to fly, or lay eggs, and they don’t care if the goose is strong or if it has shiny warm feathers. Instead, they want their geese to grow the biggest liver possible, in order that they might dine upon a French delicacy known as Foie Gras.

 

 

They’ve learned that if they nail the goose’s feet to the floor, so that it can’t get any exercise, and they put a tube down the goose’s throat, so that they can force feed it huge quantities of leftover pasta, bacon grease, and lots of other fatty, high carbohydrate food, they can make the goose’s liver grow until it is larger than a human fist. So, this is what they do to their geese.

 

 

As you can imagine, this doesn’t make the goose very happy at all. The goose shows many signs of distress, but the people who raise geese this way, simply ignore those signs. The goose then becomes very ill, but the people who raise geese this way ignore that too. Instead of the liver serving the needs of a healthy goose, the people who raise geese for foie gras, sacrifice the goose in order to produce the largest liver possible.

 

 

Before long, the goose is near death, and the goose’s liver, by this time about eight times as large as a healthy liver, has become so distended and diseased that it barely functions at all. At this point, the people who raise geese for foie gras, kill the goose, and remove the huge diseased organ, for which they have sacrificed what was once a beautiful, healthy bird. This is the ugly truth behind that popular French delicacy.

 

 

Unfortunately, this is also the ugly truth behind economics. For far too long, a small number of people who enjoy “the finer things in life”, have eagerly sacrificed the health of society and the environment in order to force economic expansion. For them, the quality of our lives, our health, our strength, and our culture only exist to deliver to them, the largest possible economy, so that they might enjoy the largest quantity of the richest possible delicacy.

 

 

Do not be fooled by fat books, sharp suits or white lab coats. Economists, businessmen and scientists generally do not have your best interest at heart. Instead, they seek to preserve, and improve their positions of authority and privilege, while they serve the interests of the 1%. Unless we overthrow the tyranny of objective science, escape the clutches of the 1%, and remember how to live our own lives, despite our fallibility, our goose is cooked. There’s an economic analogy that’s On The Money.

 

 

 

How to Tell if This New Drug is Right for You

How to Tell if This New Drug is Right for You

With the huge, and growing, variety of new drugs available today, you can’t possibly try them all. Information about drugs, always impenetrably technical, and mostly written in impossibly small type, dissuade most drug users from even trying to learn anything about the drugs they take, beyond the street name. So, how can you tell if a new drug is right for you?

 

Nearly everyone takes drugs of some kind, at least at times, and for many, drugs form a regular part of our daily routine. This is nothing new. You could argue, as I have in the past, that civilization itself, began as a dysfunctional adjustment to support an alcoholic lifestyle, that took hold some 10,000 years ago. Indigenous hunter/gatherer cultures have used hallucinogenic plants and other plant medicines ceremonially for hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years. Even animals, from songbirds to elephants imbibe from time to time, and some, like the koala, have cultivated their addictions for so long that evolution has shaped their bodies to accommodate their habits.

 

Economically, in the US alone, the pharmaceutical drug industry accounts for trillions of dollars in business activity annually, and forms a large portion of US GDP. Despite generally terrific profit margins, the pharmaceutical industry enjoys huge government subsidies as well. Yet, despite downturns in the rest of the economy, and growing government debt, drug use, drug profits, and drug subsidies continue to grow at an alarming rate.

 

Paradoxically, we, as people, continue to get sicker and poorer. We cannot lay this epidemic of disease completely at the feet of the pharmaceutical industry. Other factors, like an environment increasingly polluted with persistent toxins, poor diet, dangerous food additives, and long hours at stressful, yet sedentary, jobs all contribute to our general poor health. However, the drug industry itself contributes greatly to the proliferation of disease in our modern society.

 

A single drug can have many dangerous side effects, which often trigger new and serious health conditions. The explosion of new drugs has created an exponential growth in side effects, and with them a host of new conditions, which in turn, require more medication. Toxic pollution, generated in the production of drugs, cause disease in humans as well as in the animal kingdom. Disposal of drugs, usually in the urine of drug users, take their toll on human health and aquatic wildlife as they inevitably find their way into our nations waterways and water supplies. Addiction and overdose only add to legacy of disease that we can attribute to our remarkably vibrant Health-Care industrial complex.

 

No amount of spending, public or otherwise, no amount of new drugs, and no number of new doctors will solve this looming crisis. You might find this fact very depressing, and it might make you anxious about the future. If so, the drug industry has many drugs specifically formulated to treat those conditions. Still, how do you know if a new drug is right for you?

 

Here, I offer few general guidelines that I, a layperson, use to determine if a new drug is right for me:

 

1. If I see a commercial on TV that includes the words, “Ask your Doctor if…is right for you.”, I assume that drug sucks. I assume that if a company has to advertize their drug on TV, it must be a waste of money, like everything else I see advertized on TV.

2. On the other hand, if I read a headline like: “Nude Man Who Hijacked City Bus and Crashed Into Downtown Restaurant, Claims He Was Under the Influence of New Drug” I will probably try that drug.

3. If I see the name of a drug on anything in a doctors office, like the pen he writes with, the pad of paper he writes on, the lanyard around his neck holding his ID, anatomical models, lamps, tissue boxes, drapes, posters, etc., I will definitely not ask for any of those drugs. If a doctor does recommend a drug, any drug, I always ask if he has any free samples on hand, and if he can recommend a generic alternative.

4. But, if I see someone babbling incoherently, while writhing in a puddle of their own vomit, I will definitely ask around to find out what drug they took, and probably try some myself.

5. Finally, if a beautiful young woman asks me if I have a particular drug, I will do everything I can to find that drug immediately.

 

Of course, these are only general guidelines that reflect my own personal predilections, but they are informed by this statistical fact: You are significantly more likely to die of an overdose from a prescription drug your doctor recommended, than you are from a recreational drug you bought from a street dealer.

 

On The Money; A New Game Piece in Monopoly

On The Money;

Economics for the 99%

A New Game Piece in Monopoly

 

I heard recently that Milton-Bradley Corporation, makers of the ubiquitous board game Monopoly, has retired the iron. If you haven’t played Monopoly for a while, I’ll remind you that to start the game, each player chooses, from among a handful of miniature metal objects, one of them to represent them on the game-board.

The iron, never popular as a game piece, has finally retired. My mother retired her iron in the ’70s. I’ve certainly never owned one, and I’d have no idea how to use it if I did.. I’ll bet a lot of young people today wouldn’t even recognize an iron, or have any idea what it was used for.

In its place, M-B has introduced a new game piece, the cat, a brilliant move if you ask me. I love cats. I would much rather be a cat, than an iron, any day of the week. The cat might get chased around a bit by the Scotty dog, or get run over by the race car, but I think the cat will do well in the game of Monopoly, maybe a little too well.

The cat just might undermine the the entire premise of the game of Monopoly, and none too soon, frankly. Think about it. Can you imagine a cat ever paying rent? I can’t. If you’ve ever been to the real Atlantic City, you can’t help but notice that the closer you get to the Boardwalk, the more cats you see. I’ll bet not one of them pays rent.

Even though you’ll find hotels galore on the real Boardwalk, you’ll also notice dozens of cats, strutting up and down and under the Boardwalk, like they own the place, without a care in the world. I think they have the right attitude, and as newcomers to the game of Monopoly, that attitude just might save the cat, and us.

The game of Monopoly is an exercise in what economists call, “rent-seeking behavior”. In the game, you “buy” a “property”, say “Baltic Ave.” for instance. Then, when other players land on a “property” you “own”, they pay you “rent”. When you “own” all of the “properties” in a particular area, you can charge the unfortunate players that land there, higher “rent”. If you spend some more money on those “properties”, buying “houses” and “hotels” you raise the “rent” still further. You win the game, when other players no longer have enough “money” to pay the “rent” they owe.

In real life, rent-seeking behavior has become epidemic, and it represents a major shift in our economy. You can expect to see more rent-seeking-behavior as the economy shifts away from manufacturing and resource extraction, towards this more coercive and direct form of blood-sucking.

For generations in the past, capitalism must have seemed rather magical. Markets brimmed with consumer goods that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Fish from distant ocean fisheries, cheap redwood patio furniture, harvested from remote forest habitat, radios, toys, clothes and other products manufactured in distant lands, from materials mined in far-flung corners of the Earth, surely amazed the American consumer, eager to have them all. Most consumers didn’t see the devastation that capitalism left in it’s wake. They just saw a seemingly endless supply of shiny new things to buy.

In the future, our economy will look very different. Instead of a magical place where shiny new things appear out of nowhere, the economy will look like your landlord, and the sheriff’s deputy who comes to evict you. The economy will be breathing down your neck constantly, not letting you get too comfortable anywhere. Instead of extracting resources from distant lands, the economy will extract them from you. Even now, the economy looks, and feels more like the game of Monopoly, than it did to your parents generation, but the Baby Boomers really enjoy playing Monopoly, especially since they got a head start.

Because of their large numbers, the Baby Boomers already occupy a large portion of the available housing. Because they grew up at the very pinnacle of American consumerism, they have wildly unrealistic expectations for their lifestyle, and because they got into the housing market well before the housing bubble, they were well positioned to acquire “investment properties”, and hold on to them even as younger families lost their overpriced homes in the foreclosure crisis.

Since the Federal Government taxes the money they make from renting those investment properties, at the low “capital gains” rate, rather than as “earned income”, tax policy strongly encourages this kind of “rent-seeking behavior”. Think about this when you hear politicians talk about the “capital gains tax”. They’ll say that keeping the “capital gains tax” low, creates jobs. In reality, the low capital gains tax rate screws young working people out of their chance to own a home and drives rent prices up.

Isn’t it ironic that the Baby Boomers, who introduced terms like “crash-pad”, “hippie commune”, and “intentional community” into the general lexicon, have turned into some of the greediest landlords in the history of humanity. The Boomers like playing “Monopoly” with these “investment properties”, and they’ve read dozens of books about how to “win” at it. Even as wages stagnated through most of their working careers, many of them have done quite well for themselves by engaging in this kind of “rent seeking behavior”.

While they never stop congratulating themselves for the Civil-Rights Movement, the Boomers now harbor as much prejudice and hostility, based on income, as their bigoted, racist parents did, based on skin color. The Boomers especially despise the homeless, who conspicuously avoid paying rent. I’ve heard the same kind of derogatory slurs, and vile comments hurled at the poor and homeless from former hippies, as I heard from the bigoted, racist drunks my Grandparents hung with, about Blacks and Hispanics, 40 years ago.

Today’s large poor and homeless population remind them of just how badly they’ve failed as a generation, something they remain in deep denial about. They don’t want to face the fact that the problems in our society run far deeper than the superficial changes they’ve made to the status quo, and that many of those changes only exacerbated the real problems we face as a culture.

The Boomers also expect to finish their lives, enjoying the same kind of excessive consumption that characterized their youth and middle age, but having lived at the very pinnacle of American consumerism, they long ago outstripped the carrying capacity of the planet, and have been consuming your future ever since.

They really don’t want to face this fact. They can’t face this fact, and they can’t face life without their lattes, luxury cars and lots and lots of things to buy. So, they blame the poor and the young, victimizing them with their hostility, defensiveness and denial, as well as their excess.

The Boomers don’t understand, or care, why you don’t have the money, or why you don’t want to pay it to them. They know that the law, and market forces are on their side, and they intend to press their advantage. They won’t face the reality of their unsustainable lifestyle, so long as they can extract more from you. They intend to win this game of Monopoly, and they don’t care what’s left for you when they’re done.

In the future, rental properties will fall increasingly into the hands of the 1%, who will form large faceless property management companies to run them. They will hire thugs and creeps to manage these properties who will bully tenants, steal their belongings and skimp on needed repairs even more than the Boomers who own them now.

While the constitution guarantees privacy rights to home owners, tenants increasingly sign these rights away when they sign a rental agreement. As home ownership becomes less affordable, the terms of rental agreements will favor landlords even more. Rentals will become less secure, less private, and more expensive, as the 1% uses them to squeeze even more blood out of their tenants.

Enter, the cat. Cats play by their own rules. Cats hunt ferociously. Cats scavenge effectively. Cats beg endearingly. Cats hide invisibly and cats howl incessantly. Cats are inscrutable. Cats are unpredictable, and cats are the most effective killing machines nature ever unleashed on planet Earth.

Cats know how to get their way, but cats never pay rent. As a newcomer to this game, you don’t stand a chance if you play by their rules, but as a cat, you can strut up and down boardwalk like you own the place without a care in the world. Take what you need and stay out from under foot. There’s some Monopoly advice that’s On the Money.

 

Introducing a Revolutionary New Beverage: Beer Free

 Introducing a Revolutionary New Beverage: Beer Free

So, I quit drinking beer last Spring, and I made it through the entire year without my usual case or two of IPA every month. Don’t worry, I’m not on a 12 step sobriety program, or any such weirdness. My girlfriend switched to a gluten-free diet, and very persistently nagged me to give it a try. Since she cooks for me, the food part was easy, but the beer. That was the sticking point.

 

She suggested I switch to wine or brandy. I gave them both a try. Sure, they both have plenty of alcohol, but neither has that clean, refreshing bite of a nice cold beer. Wine and brandy both seem kind of bourgeois to me, so, I found them both less than satisfying, and I tended to drink more of them to drown the feelings of self-loathing that came along with betraying my working-class sensibilities.

I tried hard cider. I like hard cider, on occasion, but the tartness of hard cider always reminds me of Jolly Ranchers, Smarties, or Pixie Stix, candy that I only ate because someone dropped them in my trick-or-treat bag at Halloween. I have some fond memories of Halloween, not that many really, compared to all of my fond beer memories, but a few. I don’t necessarily want to relive my Halloween memories every evening, especially with a taste that reminds me of people who were to cheap to spring for chocolate. Does anyone make an alcoholic beverage out of fermented candy corn? Not that I want to drink it, but can you think of anything better to do with candy corn?

 

Finally, I discovered a new beverage that satisfies. It’s crisp, clean and refreshing, like a mountain stream.

It tastes great, and it’s even less filling than lite beer. In fact this new beverage tastes remarkably similar to lite beer, yet has 0 calories. Count ‘em! …0… That’s nothin’!

 

I am so confident that this new beverage will take America by storm, that I have invested in a new company to market it. This beverage has such universal appeal that I believe everyone, I mean everyone should try it. We call this new beverage Beer Free

 

Beer Free

• Contains no alcohol, so it’s safe for children

• Contains no beer, hence the name

• Has no calories, so it won’t make you fat

• Has no gluten, so your girlfriend will stop nagging you about the gluten.

• Is produced without pesticides or preservatives, and made from the finest natural ingredient on Earth

 

Beer Free suits your active modern lifestyle

• you can drink it all day long, and drive home without having to worry about pesky cops and their breathalyzer tests

• you can have one with breakfast without drawing disapproving looks from teetotalers

• you can drink it at work without fear that it might jeopardize your career

• you can use it to wash down other drugs, without worrying about dangerous synergistic effects

 

…And nothing… nothing on Earth.. soothes the throat after a major bong blast better, or quenches chronic cotton-mouth faster than water…er… I mean Beer Free!

 

Try Beer Free today!

 

Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

Growing Marijuana is A Labor of Love in Humboldt County

Well Spring is almost here, which means that all over Humboldt County, marijuana farmers are incredibly busy preparing to grow even more marijuana than they did last year. Even as you read this piece, most of them are hard at work building new greenhouses, clearing more forest land, putting in new water tanks and digging gigantic holes all over the countryside.

This process involves hundreds of thousands of man-hours of backbreaking labor and requires millions of dollars in capital investment.

 

This capital comes almost entirely from the sale of last year’s record setting marijuana harvest. Since most of last year’s marijuana harvest has not sold yet, this investment cuts deeply into the grower’s disposable income. Few feel the pinch however, as they will have little time or energy to do anything else for a few months, but prepare for this year’s grow.

 

Why do they do it? So they don’t have to get a job, of course. Who wants to work for a living when you can grow marijuana, right? You’d think, but you’d be wrong. In Humboldt County, growing marijuana is a labor of love, crazy love.

 

Soon thousands of tractor trailers full of potting soil will clog our roads as they make their way into the hills to fill the millions of holes these growers have so diligently dug.

Every year, Humboldt County’s garden supply stores comb the nation for another sparsely populated and poorly guarded county that they can steal. They then dig up the entire county in the dead of night, pack it into bags labeled “Potting Soil” and smuggle it back to Humboldt County where they quickly sell it off on a strictly cash basis to Humboldt County marijuana farmers.

 

Somewhere in Wyoming, or perhaps North Dakota, one morning soon, the citizens of this unfortunate county will step off their front porch on their way to work, only to fall several feet, smack into the bedrock below. They will look up to see their home delicately balanced on jacks and cinder blocks, and realize that their entire lawn, and the soil which once supported the foundation of their homes, has been stolen overnight while they slept.

 

For them, it will already be too late. Their county has already been sold, distributed, and secreted away behind locked gates, where it will remain, protected by a constitutionally guaranteed right of privacy. Besides, few of them could positively identify the soil from under their own homes, especially now that it has been thoroughly sifted and blended with a myriad of exotic amendments.

 

If you visit any of Humboldt County’s garden supply stores, you will find an amazing array of colorfully packaged, and even more colorfully named, fertilizers and soil amendments ranging from liquified fish guts from Alaska’s salmon canneries to ancient fossilized bat guano from caves deep within the jungles of Peru. Most Humboldt County garden shops also offer their own brands of fertilizers that they make on site, mostly from composted US currency.

 

Many of these fertilizers and soil amendments feature cheeky pin-up girls on the labels. This feature, along with the fact that these products sell for more per pound than fresh organic strawberries in January, indicate that these products are intended for use on marijuana plants. Only female marijuana plants produce marijuana, and marijuana growers often refer to their plants as “their ladies”.

 

You’ll often hear marijuana farmers say things like: “My ladies are lookin’ fine.” or “I take care of my ladies, and my ladies take care of me.” or “I need to to get home and hoe my ladies.” This makes them sound more like pimps than farmers, and greatly contributes to the general classiness of Humboldt County.

 

Can you imagine other kinds of farmers talking this way about their crops? Picture a dairy farmer saying “My ladies give me the sweetest cream.” or a broccoli farmer saying “This heat is gonna make my ladies bolt.” or a cabbage farmer saying “My ladies are full of horn-worms.” Creepy, huh?

 

All of this talk about their “ladies” belies the fact that most marijuana farmers are single and live alone. Growing marijuana in a remote, sparsely populated rural area like Humboldt County is a very lonely and isolating profession that tends to attract social misfits and people with self-alienating personalities.

 

The more lonely and isolated the marijuana farmer becomes, the more they tend to talk to, get naked around, and masturbate in front of, their “ladies”, often while looking at the pictures on boxes of fertilizer. This kind of “intimacy” with “their ladies”, coupled with an otherwise isolated existence builds a special kind of relationship between the cultivator and the cultivated that most other farmers, or sane people would not understand.

Original Artwork by Mykol Blackwell

Soon, the marijuana farmer no longer grows marijuana to make money, and instead, makes money to grow marijuana. For these people, nothing is too good for “their ladies”, and they cannot have enough of them. They work harder, and spend more money to pamper “their ladies” than any sane farmer. This is the real reason why Humboldt County marijuana growers produce the best marijuana in the world, and more of it than any place else on Earth.

 

Over the years, because of their extreme devotion and isolation, many Humboldt County marijuana growers have gone totally bat-shit crazy, and fallen in love with “their ladies” in this way. This is why they work so hard, and spend so much money on, “their ladies”.  Every year, more of them go “over the edge”, and every year this “crazy love” impacts our forest habitat more intensely.

 

Personally, I enjoy smoking marijuana, and strongly believe it should be legalized, so that sane farmers, with tractors, and flat land to till, can grow it economically.

I also know that marijuana provides relief for millions of sick people who should have unfettered access to it, at the lowest price possible, but I also care about this community.

That’s why I feel that something must be done to stop Humboldt County’s marijuana farmers before it’s too late. It has become clear to me, that nothing short of intervention, can save these poor souls, and our natural environment from this serious mental disorder.

 

Multiple Fatalities in Raid on Indoor Grow

BREAKING NEWS: Eureka, CA

Multiple Fatalities in Raid on Indoor Grow

 

Officers from the DEA, the Humboldt County SWAT Team, the Sheriff’s Drug Enforcement Unit and Animal Welfare Division conducted a raid on an indoor grow operation in a high-rise apartment complex in Eureka today resulting in multiple fatalities. While details remain sketchy, neighbors report hearing sustained gunfire and a large explosion from within the building, and seeing one dead body on the sidewalk outside.

 

After the raid, ambulance crews removed numerous bodies from the building, including those of several uniformed law-enforcement officers, but at this point, the total body count remains unclear. Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do has obtained exclusive video footage of the raid recorded on the building’s closed circuit TV surveillance system. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED!!!

 

On The Money; A Suit, a Cell Phone and a TV

On The Money;

Economics for the 99%

A Suit, A Cell Phone and a TV

According to the UN, in order to participate fully in American society, you need to have three things:

1, a suit, 2, a cell phone and 3, a TV set, which begs the question: Why would anyone in their right mind want to participate fully in American society? I own none of these things. I don’t miss them one bit, and I pity the poor people who have them. Think about it.

If you need a TV, I presume that you are expected to watch it too. That can’t be good for you. Don’t you have something better to do with your time in American society?

Then again, what can you do while wearing a suit?

You can pose for pictures. You can work at a desk. You can chat with other people wearing suits. You can walk a short distance, a couple of blocks or so, if it is paved, mowed, tiled or carpeted the whole way. You can watch TV, I suppose, and you can drink. If someone serves you, and you are very careful, you can eat, but that’s about it.

What can’t you do in a suit? Fix a car, build a house, paint, weld, cook, fish, hunt, climb a tree, hike the Appalachian Trail, have sex, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or pretty much anything else that you really need to do to survive, or would actually enjoy doing, you probably don’t want to do it in a suit.

You cannot launder a suit. You must have it dry-cleaned. This costs money, and has the bonus of impregnating your clothes with toxic chemical residue, which you then breathe in, and absorb through your skin. Perchlorethylene, or “Perc” a ubiquitously used dry-cleaning solvent, causes cancer and acts as a powerful neurotoxin, so it makes you dumber before it kills you.

I imagine someone participating fully in American society, sitting there in front of the TV in their suit, poisoning body and mind, and then they pick up their cell phone.

I guess they use it to order food and have it delivered, or call their mechanic, or any of the other contractors who actually live their lives for them. Funny that the UN did not list “money” as one of the things that you needed to participate fully in American society.

Really, if you have money, you don’t need a suit, you don’t need a TV and you don’t even need a cell phone. If you have enough money, you can afford to pay people to wear suits for you, make your phone calls for you and you can pay attractive and interesting people to sit on your own sofa and make idle chit-chat, so I really think the UN missed the boat on this one.

This is like saying that to participate fully in heroin addiction, you need a syringe, a spoon and a candle. No, if you are a heroin addict, you have a syringe, a spoon and a candle, but you need heroin. The syringe, spoon and candle are not going to help you get heroin. It’s only your sheer desperation and willingness to do anything for your fix, that gets you the heroin. That’s how you participate fully in heroin addiction.

So it goes with American society. It’s only your willingness to do anything for money that makes you put on that toxic suit, and answer that blasted cell phone. The hypnotic glow of television is always there to absorb what little attention you have left at the end of the day, and insure that you never even imagine any other way to live. That’s what I’d call full participation in American society, and I pity anyone who does it.