Introducing: The lygsbtd Smart Phone App

 

Introducing: The lygsbtd Smart Phone App

(Thanks to Fanny Oakley for this brilliant idea)

I know that, these days, a lot of you do most of your web browsing on your smart-phone. I’ve never used a cell phone myself, smart or otherwise, but I see you out there, entranced by your little glowing slab, completely oblivious to anything else happening around you. Yes, I see all of you hot, sexy young people, obsessively fondling your little gadgets, and it occurred to me that you could be fondling me. That’s why I invented the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do smart-phone app.

Now we can share the intimacy of the tiny touch screen. I can feel the gentle caress of your nimble fingertips as you zoom in and out, perusing my weekly posts, comforted by the soothing warmth of your body heat as you cradle me in your delicate hands. Tight against the supple curve of your hip as I ride around in your pocket, you’ll share all of the most intimate details of your life with me, your browsing habits, the phone numbers of all of your friends, your account numbers, passwords and PINs. I’m so eager to meet all of your friends, and to get to know you better.

Yes, I’m really looking forward to moving into this deeper phase of our relationship through your personal mobile device. For years now I’ve put myself out there for you. You can read what I have to say and enjoy free entertainment, but I’ve never asked you for anything in return before. Now, we have the opportunity for a little more give and take in the relationship, and I think you will find it a much more satisfying experience for both of us.

You just have to take the next step. Download the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do app to your iphone or Android based smart-phone, and we can begin this new phase in our relationship. The Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do app only costs $1.99, but don’t hesitate at the price. It’s a mere pittance really, and I need to know that you really want to take the next step. Believe me, compared to what lies ahead for us together, $1.99 will seem like nothing at all.

Of course, you have to agree to the terms of the user agreement, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m sure you’ve clicked through dozens of similar agreements without even reading them, and I encourage you to do the same with this one. It’s just a formality really, and the quicker you agree to it, the sooner we can get to the content you so passionately desire.

USER AGREEMENT

BY DOWNLOADING THE “LIKE YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING BATTER TO DO” APPLICATION FOR MOBIL DEVICES, YOU, HEREAFTER IN THIS DOCUMENT, REFERRED TO AS “THE USER” (IRONICALLY), AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING:

USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR OF THIS APPLICATION, HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS “THE PURVEYOR”, COMPLETE AND UNFETTERED ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE MOBIL DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, AS WELL AS ANY AND ALL INFORMATION ON OTHER DEVICES, WEBSITES, SERVERS, ETC THAT THE PURVEYOR CAN ACCESS BY MEANS OF UTILIZING THE INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THIS DEVICE.

THE USER AGREES THAT ALL PHOTOS VIDEOS OR OTHER MEDIA STORED ON THE DEVICE ON WHICH THE APPLICATION RESIDES, OR ANY OTHER DEVICE THE PURVEYOR MAY ACCESS THROUGH THE DEVICE SHALL BE HENCEFORTH DEEMED THE SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY OF THE PURVEYOR. THE PURVEYOR MAY FREELY USE, COPY AND DISTRIBUTE SAID MEDIA IN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, FOR ANY PURPOSE, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE USER HEREBY RELINQUISHES ANY AND ALL RIGHTS TO SAID MEDIA AND GRANTS EXCLUSIVE WORLDWIDE COPYRIGHT OF SAID MEDIA TO THE PURVEYOR.

IN SUCH CASE AS THE USER DID NOT PREVIOUSLY OWN THE EXCLUSIVE COPYRIGHT TO SAID MEDIA, THE USER ACCEPTS FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY LOSS, LIABILITY OR CLAIMS MADE BY THE RIGHTFUL OWNER OF THE COPYRIGHTS FOR ANY USE OF SAID MEDIA BY THE PURVEYOR.

THE USER HEREBY GRANTS PERMISSION TO THE PURVEYOR TO UTILIZE THE DEVICE FOR COMMUNICATION PURPOSES, UTILIZING ANY AND ALL MODES THAT THE DEVICE IS CAPABLE OF, FOR WHATEVER PURPOSE THE PURVEYOR DEEMS APPROPRIATE, USEFUL, CONVENIENT, PROFITABLE, OR ENTERTAINING. THE USER FURTHER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE CHARGED, WITH SUFFICIENT BATTERY POWER, OR DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO A POWER SOURCE AT ALL TIMES.

THE USER AGREES TO MAINTAIN AT LEAST 30GIGABYTE PER MONTH DATA PLAN AND RESERVE AT LEAST 25 GIGABYTE PER MONTH FOR USE BY THE PURVEYOR. THE USER AGREES TO KEEP THE DEVICE WITHIN STRONG SIGNAL RANGE AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT TO INTERFERE IN ANY WAY WITH THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE.

THE USER AGREES TO ALLOW THE PURVEYOR ACCESS TO ANY AND ALL BANK ACCOUNTS, LINES OF CREDIT, EXPENSE ACCOUNTS, FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS, REAL ESTATE HOLDINGS AND OTHER INVESTMENT ACCOUNTS HELD BY THE USER OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS, FOR ANY REASON. THE USER HEREBY GRANTS THE PURVEYOR PERMISSION TO MAKE ANY AND ALL TRANSACTIONS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO BALANCE INQUIRIES, DEPOSITS, WITHDRAWALS, OPENING OR CLOSING OF ACCOUNTS, PURCHASES OR SALES OF ITEMS OR ASSETS ON ANY AND ALL SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS.

THE USER SHALL CREATE NO OBSTACLE TO PREVENT THE PURVEYOR’S ACCESS TO SAID ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS. THE USER SHALL NOT TRANSFER FUNDS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS, NOR MAKE CHANGES PIN NUMBERS OR PASSWORDS, WITHOUT PROVIDING THE PURVEYOR WITH ALL INFORMATION AND PERMISSIONS NECESSARY TO ACCESS ANY AND ALL ACCOUNTS AND HOLDINGS HELD BY THE USER, OR JOINTLY BY THE USER AND ANY OTHER PERSONS.

THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH ENTHUSIASTIC SEXUAL GRATIFICATION AT ANY TIME, ON DEMAND OF THE PURVEYOR, AND TO PRESENT ANY AND ALL SEXUAL ORIFICES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE USERS MOUTH, VAGINA AND ANUS IN A LUBRICATED AND RECEPTIVE MANOR FOR SAID GRATIFICATION, ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF THE USER. FURTHER THE USER AGREES TO PROVIDE THE PURVEYOR WITH THE USERS COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY, AND TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS REGARDING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES TRUTHFULLY.

ANY OFFSPRING RESULTANT FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BETWEEN THE USER AND THE PURVEYOR, OR ANY OTHER PERSON SHALL BECOME, AT AGE 18, THE INDENTURED SERVANT OF THE PURVEYOR FOR THE NATURAL LIFE OF SAID OFFSPRING. THIS AGREEMENT EXEMPTS THE PURVEYOR FROM ANY OTHER LIABILITY OR OBLIGATION TO THE USER OR SAID OFFSPRING FOR ANY REASON.

THE USER AGREES TO HOLD THE PURVEYOR BLAMELESS, HARMLESS AND EXEMPT FROM ANY CLAIMS, CHARGES, LIABILITIES, OR LAWSUITS MADE BY THE USER, THE USER’S AGENTS, FRIENDS, CONTACTS, SPOUSES, BUSINESS PARTNERS, OR ANY OTHER PERSONS AGAINST THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DAMAGE TO THE DEVICE CAUSED BY THE APPLICATION, LOSS OF DATA, FAILURE OF THE APPLICATION TO MEET USER EXPECTATIONS, FINANCIAL LOSSES, PROPERTY LOSSES, ANY APPLICABLE FEES, LOSS OF CREDIT, PHYSICAL HARM, MENTAL ANGUISH, EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, LEGAL FEES, OR DEATH STEMMING FROM THE PURVEYORS USE OF THE DEVICE, THE INFORMATION OBTAINED THROUGH THE DEVICE, THE USER, THE USERS OFFSPRING OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. FURTHER, THE USER AGREES TO REIMBURSE THE PURVEYOR FOR ANY AND ALL EXPENSES THE PURVEYOR MAY INCUR RESULTANT FROM ANY SUCH CLAIMS.

Do You Like My Tattoo?

Do You Like My Tattoo?

I don’t know what to say to people when they show me their tattoos.

 

I have not yet seen a single design that I would want on my own skin, or any skin I was intimate with for that matter,

…but as a craftsman, I often look at a tattoo and think, “Wow, I’ll bet that would make a fabulous handbag.”

As a web humorist, stupid tattoos are manna from heaven.

 

They require nothing of me. I simply frame them.

 

I only put together The Journal of Homerotic Photography because the stupid tattoos demanded it.

 

Likewise with my slide-show Misspelled Tattoos at Funny or Die. I’d like to think my clever captions keep it rated at +90% funny, but I know better.

 

Of course, while researching pictures for this short piece, I found enough new stupid tattoos to create a new slide-show.

 

For your edification, Ten Tasteless Tattoos at Funny or Die.

The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

The Ballad of Bobcat McKee

 

I heard Dennis Huber interview Bob McKee this morning on KMUD’s Monday Morning Magazine show. I listened mainly because Bob McKee sounded so much like Bobcat Goldthwait. I thought, “Man if anyone can make real-estate law funny, it’s Bobcat”, but the punchlines never came.

 

No, the joke was on me. I was listening to the desperate, quavering voice of a millionaire real-estate developer, whining about the fact that he broke the law, then fought the county in court, at tremendous expense to the taxpayers of Humboldt County, and lost. Now he hopes to drum up a wave of popular sympathy that he can use to force the county to let him off the hook.

 

I’ve heard Bob Mckee interviewed at length on KMUD, at least half-a-dozen times, but I never noticed how much he sounded like Bobcat, until today. Thanks to all of these shows, I know more than I ever wanted to know about The Williamson Act, the law Bobcat violated. It sounds like a stupid law, but it only applies to landowners with large rural holdings, totaling, what, 1% of the total population of Humboldt County?

 

Well, Bob, we have a lot of stupid laws in Humboldt County. Most of them only apply to poor people. Poor people get punished for violating stupid laws in this county, every hour of every day. Poor people get punished in this county, even when they haven’t violated any stupid laws, and the county gets away with it, because poor people don’t have six million dollars to spend on their own defense. I wonder why we don’t hear much about those people on KMUD.

 

Personally, I’m glad the county spent six million dollars of the taxpayers money to prosecute Bobcat, and I want them to spend whatever it takes to punish him for his stupid Williamson Act violations. I hope they seize all of his property, demolish his home, take his kids away from him and throw him in jail for it, just like they do to poor people around here every day. It would reassure me greatly to know that we have injustice for the rich, as well as the poor here in Humboldt County.

 

While I have learned a lot about the stupid Williamson Act, thanks to all of the in-depth interviews on KMUD, and full page ads in our local papers, I haven’t seen anything that leads me to believe that Bob McKee did not violate the law. For all of your high profile, mostly bought and paid for, media coverage, Bob, you really haven’t made your case very effectively.

 

I know that Bob McKee has a lot of friends down here in SoHum. Every blood-sucking dope-yuppie around here talks about Bob McKee in glowing terms, because he sold them logged-over timber land at a price almost anyone could afford, and they got rich off of that land by flouting the law. Now Bob seems to be saying, “Hey, I helped you get rich off of your criminal behavior, now come help me get rich off of mine.”

 

It really amazes me how many of KMUD’s programmers have answered Bobcat’s call to action. Bud Rogers even immortalized Bob McKee in a song. That’s how fucking sick we are down here in SoHum. We sing folk songs about real-estate developers. Can you imagine Bob Dylan singing about a real-estate developer?

“Ol’ Bob, he knew how to cut parcels in two.

He sold half to me and he sold half to you

The county, it said he had broken a rule

He spent six million fighting them just like a fool.

Now he wants you to come out and stand by his side

But I think they should just take it out of his hide.”

Those aren’t the lyrics to Bud Rogers’ song, but you can imaging Bob Dylan singing them, at least I can. Musicians should save their folk songs for people who can’t afford to hire their own jingle writers. Really, artists need all of the paid work they can get.

 

I know Bob McKee donates a lot to KMUD. I mean, it’s pretty widely known, and I have been there at the pledge drive when Bob McKee stopped by to make a donation (and talk about his case, incidentally), but the fact was not mentioned on Monday Morning Magazine.

 

Dennis followed his half-hour interview with Bobcat, by badgering Humboldt County Supervisor, Mark Lovelace, with a bunch of loaded questions about, you guessed it, Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case, as though Bob McKee’s Tooby Ranch Williamson Act case was the biggest scandal in the county’s history.

 

Bob McKee never made me a great deal on a piece of land, nor has he donated money to support this blog. No, my opinion of Bob McKee was forged when I heard him say, on KMUD, in an interview with Bud Rogers: “Well, you know, there’s a lot of poor people around here these days. I can’t do anything about that. I hate to tell people what they’ll have to pay for a piece of land these days.”

 

Guess what, Bobcat. I’d love to want to care about your stupid lawsuit, but we have a lot of stupid laws here in Humboldt County, and we have a corrupt, brutal and abusive county government. The streets of Humboldt County are full of victims of injustice and abuse, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d hate to tell you what I’d charge to write you a catchy jingle.

Oh Joy, Another F*cking Election

Oh Joy, Another F*cking Election

 

Thus far, I haven’t said anything about this upcoming presidential election, and frankly, I don’t see much point, …of the election, or of commenting about it. I did actually cast a ballot, primarily to honor the hard work of grassroots organizers who put Prop. 37 on the ballot. I think that one deserves to pass, so I voted for it.

As far as the presidential race goes, I cast my vote for Roseanne Barre, not that I think she has a chance, or that she would do any good even if she somehow managed to win. I voted for Roseanne because she’s funny. Funny counts in my book! Don’t tell me about your leadership, your grand plan, your first 100 days or any of that BS. If you expect me to listen to you, you’d better make it funny.

If you can make it funny, I don’t even care if you lie to me, just don’t expect me believe you when you tell me that a strong third party, or anything else for that matter, will save democracy, and turn this country around. Not Jill Stein, not Rocky Anderson, not Roseanne Barre, no one is going to turn this country around. Putting a new captain on the Titanic will not help it change course. We’ve already hit the iceberg, and this nation is headed straight for the bottom of the ocean.

The longer we pretend that we can solve real problems with elections, the worse all of those problems become. Most of the real problems we face as a nation, stem from, and would not exist without, the centralized national government. We wouldn’t have a massive military, which would severely limit the expansion of global capital which would in turn, reign in environmental degradation, inequality, homelessness and poverty. Our nation exists to create, maintain and exacerbate those problems, and to prevent anyone from taking effective action to stop them. So, stop pretending that we can turn this killing machine into something good, just by casting a ballot.

Of course, it might take a while to hit bottom, mainly because so many people continue to invest in “the system”. I have a hard time respecting anyone born after WWII who invests in “the system”. We grew up knowing about DDT and Silent Spring. We saw photographs of the Earth from space. We saw the “Crying Indian Commercial”.

We remember Vietnam, the King/X/Kennedy assassinations, Wounded Knee, Kent State and Watergate. We dropped acid. We heard Timothy Leary tell us to “turn on, tune in, and drop out” and for a brief moment, we understood what he meant, and knew he was right.

All of that happened before we turned 21, and most of it happened before we were 12. Today, no one in the entire work force, from the President of the U.S. on down, has any excuse for believing in the system. We knew about the corruption, lies and propaganda. We knew it killed innocent people indiscriminately, and we saw how it treated the planet. We knew. We knew what we were getting into. We didn’t know better, I’ll grant you that, but we knew. We knew that what we knew, was rotten to the core.

Anyone of average intelligence or above should have put two and two together by the time they reached the age that they started making their own decisions. If you were too dimwitted, to figure it out, or too deep in denial to face it, you have a pitiable brain dysfunction. These feeble-minded people are not really capable of making decisions for themselves, let alone the rest of us.

Others however, saw the corruption, the oppression, the violence and the destruction, held their nose, and dove in, feeding the system with their efforts, talent and time. They indulge themselves in consumer goods, and fill their lives with shiny hi-tech distractions. These people suck!

It’s these people, these cynical cowards who know that “the system” is killing the planet, but hope it lasts long enough to indulge their pathetic middle-class expectations, who pretend that voting matters. They make-believe that things will get better if they just vote for the right person. Then, they get right back to work building attack helicopters, mining uranium, or selling us crap we don’t need. Speaking of crap we don’t need, lets add democracy, the federal government, and the cynical cowards who still pretend that democracy might work someday, to the list.

Dirtbags, Miscreants, Undesirables and Low-Lifes pt.2

Dope Yuppies Suck

 

The L.A. Times recently ran a story about Humboldt County and the marijuana industry here, and the story echoed a common myth about this area that really deserves some analysis. You will hear this myth often repeated on KMUD, and reflected in Kym Kemp’s blog Redheaded Blackbelt. They both do their best to disseminate propaganda for the marijuana industry, and between them they’ve done a pretty good job of putting their spin on things. After all, the marijuana industry is still a pretty secretive business, and news gathering has become a relatively passive activity these days, so it’s not surprising that this myth gets so much traction in the press, but it’s about time someone took a closer look at it.

So, here’s the myth: The people who moved to Southern Humboldt in the late 70′s and early 80′s, like to paint themselves as the “back to the land” movement. They moved here to escape Babylon, and built little cabins, grew organic veggies, made arts and crafts, and raised a family. They grew just enough marijuana to pay their taxes, support their favorite non-profit, and put a pair of used tires on their old truck.

On the other hand, the myth continues, if you moved here during the 90′s or, god forbid, this century, you’re only here for the money. It’s these “newcomers” who brought in the big diesel generators, and started these giant industrial mega-grows. It’s these “newcomers” who spill diesel fuel in the creeks, pump our rivers dry, and spread rat poison all over. It’s the “newcomers” who drive like maniacs on our roads, bring hard drugs into our community, and dump trash in the river.

You see, according to this myth, it’s only the people who’ve been here 30 years, not the people whose families have been here a hundred years, or the people whose ancestors have been here for thousands of years, who form the true “community” around here. If you’ve been here longer than them, you are a redneck, if you’ve arrived since them, you are a carpetbagger, but if you’ve been here for 30 years, no longer, and no shorter, you are part of the twelfth tribe of Israel. The myth tells us that the people who’ve been here 30 years, take impeccable care of their land, manage it wisely, and use the money they make to fight injustice all over the world. Don’t they sound like awesome people?

The truth is a very different story:

Back in the 70′s and 80′s, most of the people around here bought their land from a guy named Bob McKee. They all love Bob because he would buy large tracts of logged over timber land, dirt cheap, and then break them up into parcels small enough that pretty much anyone who wanted one could afford one.

You could never make a living logging these small parcels, and there weren’t any jobs, to speak of, anywhere in the vicinity, so this low priced land became attractive to artists, who don’t have to worry so much about their commute, but also don’t make much money. At one time Humboldt County had more artists per-capita, than any county in California. That’s why Summer Arts Fest is older than The Mateel. The artists in SoHum needed that outlet, more than they needed a place to party. That was 37 years ago.

Thirty years ago, Ronald Reagan disrupted the flow of marijuana from South America and Mexico, and very suddenly, people started buying up those cheap parcels, specifically to grow marijuana. Bob McKee got rich, and all of a sudden, almost anyone with a green thumb, and bit of chutzpah, could make a living from the privacy that these forested mountains provide.

So, these people who moved here 30 years ago, all moved here to grow pot. They bought cheap, logged over timber land, built homes with outhouses without permits, diverted streams, and grew marijuana illegally to make money. They made pretty good money growing pot, so they started buying up the parcels around them. Their drug-dealing friends in the city, who came up here for the lavish parties these folks threw, started buying parcels as well.

Some of these people were greedier than others, some of them were more competent than others, but they all partied a lot. They brought hard drugs like heroin, cocaine and meth, which have remained epidemic ever since.

They drove like maniacs, like their kids do today, and they made huge messes up in the hills. They buried piles of car batteries. They changed their oil in their driveway, letting the spent oil seep into the ground, and they abandoned thousands of vehicles all over the hillsides of Southern Humboldt, and that was just the beginning.

 

photo credit Humboldt Sentinel
http://humboldtsentinel.com/2012/01/13/weekly-roundup-for-january-13-2012/

People who’ve owned their property since the eighties don’t really need much income anymore to cover the basics. They paid their land off decades ago, and thanks to proposition 13, many still pay less than a thousand dollars a year in property tax, at least on the parcel they actually live on.

For most of them, however, the basics were not enough. They like to party. They want to go to a dozen festivals every summer, winter in Hawaii, ride around on quads, watch movies on their big screen TVs, and if their local non-profits can pour beer, they want to support them too. You see, they just want regular “middle-class” stuff, and marijuana provides that for them, but it gets to be a chore.

Growing all of that marijuana starts to feel like work. So what do you do if you own a few parcels of land, and you want the income from all of them, but you don’t actually want to do the work of growing the marijuana? You want to hire people, but you don’t really want them show up at your place and punch a time-clock, and you really don’t want to cut them a check every week. You want them to grow pot for you, sell it, and give you the money, and you want some insulation from the risky side of the business. Here’s what you do.

You “sell” them a turnkey business. Here’s how this works. You find an up and coming drug dealer, who’s already moving a lot of weed for you. You teach him how to grow, introduce him to your clone supplier, and help him set up his generator, pump, lights and fans. You offer to “sell” him one of your SoHum parcels for a price based on the expected profits from the weed grown there in the next ten years. You draw up a land contract, and you “loan” him, the money that you expect to be payed for your share of the weed. Then you turn the operation over to him.

You see, you “sold” that parcel, that you originally traded a motorcycle for, for $250,000, to a 28 year old guy with no job, and $50,000 in small bills. There’s now a big ugly diesel scene and a giant, water sucking industrial mega-grow on it. You get all of the profits, and some drug dealing kid from the city takes all of the risk and does all of the work. He’s in possession of the land, should the cops ever raid it, so you can deny any knowledge of what goes on there, and you can legally repossess it, if he ever fails to make the payments.

Not that long ago real estate agents around here sold land, generators and lights together as a package, and advertized them in local papers. For decades now, all of the land sold around here, sells at a price based on the value of the marijuana that can be grown there, and the county happily appraises this land at the inflated prices.

So, if you moved here recently, besides paying through the nose for your land, you likely pay three times what your neighbor pays in property tax. You still can’t make a living from the timber on one of these parcels, and there are still very few jobs in the vicinity, but these parcels no longer sell at prices that artists or writers can afford. No, every parcel sells as a prime marijuana gold mine, with a price determined by how much marijuana the buyer and seller think they can pull out of it.

The people who sign those land contracts, often as not, get busted, shot to death in a drug deal gone bad, or simply fail to deliver the cash, so they lose the property, and we never see them around again. It’s a huge ripoff, and it’s just one of the ways that the people who’ve been here thirty years, feed on young people like vampires, growing ever richer, and more smug about themselves, while they destroy habitat, drive endangered species to extinction, and enslave the young.

Most of the rentals in SoHum work the same way. Landlords expect tenants to grow for them, and use the lease as legal insulation. The dope yuppies who’ve been here thirty years know how few opportunities there are for young people, and they look for desperate young people to take advantage of.

The people who’ve been here thirty years have engineered the marijuana industry here. They employ, and exploit the army of young growers, share-croppers, dealers, mules and trimmers that you see around town. They are responsible for the giant mega-grows, the water diversions, the rat poison, and all of the problems and pollution that goes along with them, and they make sure that no young people today, ever get the kind of deal that Bob McKee gave them.

Its time to legalize marijuana, and drive a stake through the heart of the dope yuppie lifestyle. Legalization would help the salmon. Legalization would help the fishers, and legalization would help everyone who likes to smoke herb, or needs it for medicine. Legalization will only hurt a small clique of people who moved here thirty years ago, got lucky, exploited the land, took advantage of people, and have gotten way too smug about it. Really, no one deserves it more.

Bring Me the Head of “Heraldo”

Bring Me the Head of “Heraldo”

 

Well the North Coast Journal finally published its annual “Best of Humboldt” issue, and once again, this blog, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” made the cut. This year, my blog tied for fourth place with the Humboldt Herald.

 

Frankly, I don’t have time for, or much interest in, reading a lot of other blogs, and I’ve never heard anything good about the Humboldt Herald. So, before today, I’d never even glanced at it. I’d heard that the Humboldt Herald was a cesspool of moronic political bickering, so I assumed that it was Eureka’s answer to Eric Kirk’s blog, SoHum Parlance.

 

Sure enough, who’s name do I see at the top of the page at Humboldt Herald? Eric Kirk’s, but apparently some anonymous joker, who calls himself “Heraldo”, runs the Humboldt Herald. I wouldn’t put my real name on that disease either, were I responsible for it.

 

I didn’t spend a lot of time there, but it looks like the same kind of bland, self-important, rhetorical regurgitation you’d expect from Eric Kirk. I didn’t see one post that I really wanted to read, and what I did read, seemed to me the product of small, narrow minds, without much imagination, so I’m more than a little disappointed to have tied with them.

 

You’ll recall that last year we fought this campaign down to a tie, as well. In 2011, Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do tied with Chocolate Covered Xanax for 5^th place. Chocolate Covered Xanax rocks, at least it did then. Well written, with beautiful photographs, Chocolate Covered Xanax has style, humor and elegance. It’s a real class act. I was proud to tie with Chocolate Covered Xanax. Apparently Kristabel has better things to do these days. It’s been a while since she’s updated CCX, which, no doubt, hurt her in this year’s competition. We miss you Kristabel, but that was last year.

 

This year, NCJ readers cast more votes for Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do, and we took a bigger slice of the overall pie, up from 2.5% of the vote to 3.2%, which moved us up in the standings enough to tie for fourth. It’s just a shame that I had to tie with the artless, pointless, senseless idiocy of Eric Kirk, Heraldo and their ilk at the Humboldt Herald.

 

I’m better than that. I mean, I write drivel, but I don’t write that kind of drivel. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that vacuous political agita has a following around here, but the fact that the Humboldt Herald even placed in this contest speaks poorly of North Coast Journal readers.

 

Above us in the poll, no surprises. In first place: Lost Coast Outpost, the online hub of the Ferndale media empire, Lost Coast Communications. With four commercial radio stations feeding it traffic, former NCJ “Town Dandy”, and computer whiz Hank Sims aggressively building it into a local media powerhouse, and now with Redheaded Blackbelt Kym Kemp on the team, Lost Coast Outpost has become Humboldt County’s first source for news and information.

 

In the poll, Lost Coast Outpost took 34.4 percent of the vote, with Kym Kemp’s Redheaded Blackbelt taking another 6.8%, and coming in third on her own. That’s over 41% of the vote for Lost Coast Outpost. Yes, the Lost Coast Outpost, and Lost Coast Communications casts a growing shadow over the media landscape here in Humboldt County.

 

LCC’s KHUM, “Radio Without the Rules” took first place in the “Best Radio Station” category, and another LCC station, KSLG finished second. Both of these commercial stations beat out both of our beloved community radio stations, KHSU and KMUD, which polled third and fourth respectively. As a blogger, I don’t generally consider myself in competition with local news media outlets like Lost Coast Outpost, and LCC, but KMUD is, and I hope that KMUD is up to it, because LCC is clearly growing, and hungry.

 

I couldn’t believe Lost Coast Outpost’s new feature, as hyped by the NCJ. They now have an automatic feed from law enforcement agencies that posts an entry every time a cop arrests someone in Humboldt County. Each post states who got arrested, and what they are charged with. Now, if you get arrested in Humboldt County, Lost Coast Outpost readers will know about it, hours before you even get to make a phone call. Is that creepy or what?

 

I promise you this: if you get arrested in Humboldt County, or anywhere, for that matter, your mother is not going to find out about it by reading my blog. Who wants to monitor a feed of arrests in Humboldt County? What does voting for a site like that, say about NCJ readers? Speaking of which…

 

Second place in the North Coast Journal readers poll, “best blog” category, went to the North Coast Journal’s own “blog thing” which took only 9.1% of the vote. If the North Coast Journal can’t get at least 10% of their own readers to vote for their blog, even though they put full page ads for it in their paper every week, how lame is that?

 

So that’s it, Lost Coast Communications, The North Coast Journal, Heraldo, and me, the best of the blogosphere in Humboldt County, at least according to readers of The North Coast Journal. Besides trending towards the petulant, petty and prying, North-Coast Journal readership tends to skew towards the northern part of the county. They don’t cover us much down here, so we tend to ignore The NCJ in SoHum.

 

Nothing from SoHum won “best of” anything in the NCJ readers poll, and only four SoHum based things even placed in the top five, in any category. I already mentioned Kym Kemp’s Redheaded Blackbelt (third best blog), and KMUD (fourth best radio station). The Mateel Community Center placed fifth in the “best music venue” category, and this blog: Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do, placed fourth in the category of “best blog”, all proudly representing SoHum.

 

Thank you, dear readers, for voting for this blog, and supporting my work here. Enough of you believed in this blog enough, and stood up for what you believe in enough, to give Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do more votes than 99% of all of the blogs in Humboldt County, more votes than any other humor blog, more votes than any other personal blog, more votes than all but two local media outlets, and exactly as many votes as the single most popular political blog in the county.

 

That’s power, people. We went head-to-head against big-money media in cyberspace, and we made the cut. Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do is a player. So what if we tied with a sack of rancid troll bait.

Thank You for Supporting Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do

Thank You for Supporting Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

To everyone who voted for Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” readers survey, thank you for supporting my campaign. I really appreciate that you took time out of your day to cast a ballot for this blog, and I will continue to work hard for you, delivering the same caliber of pointless drivel that you’ve come to expect from me here at: www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com.

 

I don’t know why it takes the NCJ two weeks to count the ballots, but they can take their sweet time if they want to, after all, its their newspaper. I’ve already gotten more ink out of the NCJ than I expected. The words, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do is the funniest blog in Humboldt County” appeared in the North Coast Journal two weeks ago, so the truth is out. Despite their vote rigging shenanigans, the NCJ just couldn’t hold this blog down.

 

As far as I’m concerned, we’ve already won this contest, but we’ll see how the vote comes out on Sept. 20. After the “voting irregularities” the supporters of this blog experienced in the balloting phase of this contest, who knows what the NCJ will do, now that they have two weeks alone with all of the ballots. They’re certainly not above suspicion, considering the circumstances.

 

Humboldt County’s world famous Transparency Project doesn’t apply to private surveys like this, and the NCJ rejected my demand that I personally be allowed to monitor the entire ballot sequestration and count, almost as soon as I set up my sleeping bag in their office. With no election observers, we may never know the true will of the people, but on September 20, the NCJ has promised to publish some results, and I’m sure I’ll have something to say about them.

 

Until then, Thank You for reading Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do, and Thank You for voting for Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do as Humboldt’s best blog. You Rock!!!!

Our Finest Hour

Our Finest Hour

My Fellow Americans,

 

Today, we face challenging times. Economic malaise, global environmental meltdown and worldwide political upheaval threaten everything we hold dear. Some would say that times like these demand strong leadership. I say, “Hogwash!”

Strong leadership got us into this mess. Self-confident liars have used our instinctual trust, cooperative nature, and natural compassion against us, and we have paid dearly for our willingness to believe in them. It’s high-time we learned our lesson from those mistakes.

 

We don’t need leaders anymore, because we are not followers. We are not sheep, and will not be led hither and yon by a well-funded political class with its own agenda. We reject the voice of authority, and scoff at the voice of reason.

Instinctively, we know how to navigate these rough seas. We know what to do in a cultural dead-end, like the one we currently face. When things fall apart, and nothing makes any sense anymore, we turn to the things we can count on; drug abuse, kinky sex, and stupid humor, the things we get from each other.

You can count on me for stupid humor, just like I count on you for sex and drugs. We need each other, but today, I need more from you than sex and drugs. Today, I need your vote. Please vote for this blog, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. Today is our last day to inundate the NCJ with votes for this blog, so please, do it right now.

Cast your vote for stupid humor and fresh perspective, today! Go to the NCJ website. Click on the long skinny bar near the top of the page that takes you to the ballot. Click through all of the categories until you get to the last one, number 40, “best blog”. Type in (or cut and paste) “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” into the space next to that category. Then click through the remaining pages until you see the winged kitten. It’s that easy, and takes less than a minute. You’ll be glad you did, but DO IT NOW!!

Don’t throw your vote away on one of the news blogs. Don’t you get way too much news? Isn’t it sick the way they compete to be the first to tell you about the latest grisly traffic fatality or police shooting? Like you don’t have enough trouble in your life, that you can’t wait a few hours, or even a few days, to learn of the death of a stranger.

Yes, journalists like to quote Thomas Jefferson to justify their existence, and hide behind an air of professionalism, but these low-lifes chase ambulances simply to bait the rubbernecker in us with the freshest blood. Journalists pimp human suffering purely for the purpose of indulging our prurient curiosity. Don’t fall for their ruse, and don’t encourage them by voting for a news blog. Instead, vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” readers survey.

Political blogs are even worse. The idiocy that passes for political debate in this country, and the horse-race style coverage of political campaigns should provide anyone with a gnat’s wit or better, plenty of evidence that democracy has failed. Still, Humboldt’s political blogs, full of pitifully dull posts and littered with moronic comments, continue to fester. I don’t know why anyone would sip the puss from those infections. If I were you, I wouldn’t admit to reading these blogs, let alone vote for them.

Besides news and political blogs, blogs that revolve around recipes and human interest stories suck too. If you read a recipe on line, it might look good, but to really enjoy it, you still have to buy the ingredients, and prepare the dish, and even then, you might not enjoy it. You have to spend the money. You have to do the work. You have to follow their instructions, like some indentured servant, before you get to enjoy anything. They get to tell you what to do. You just do what you are told and eat what they tell you to eat. How pathetic!

Reading a blog is enough work, I say, and I expect something for it. I should get a laugh, a chuckle, a grin, or at least a fresh, if somewhat twisted, perspective, and I shouldn’t have to make a mess of my kitchen in the process. If I spend my time and energy to read something, dammit, I better enjoy it, right now! I write “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” for people like me; people who hate to read, love to laugh, and demand immediate gratification. If you read “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” regularly, you know that I deliver the goods, week in, and week out.

Today, I ask you to give back a little. Please cast your vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” readers poll. We have entered the very last hours of this campaign. Today, Weds. September 5, at 4pm, the NCJ will close the survey, and they will accept no votes after that time, so please, do not delay, do it today. Cast your vote now.

If you’ve already voted for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as Humboldt’s best blog in the 2012 NCJ readers poll, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you and God Bless America!!!

I Run a Clean Positive Campaign

I Run a Clean, Positive Campaign

 

As you may know, this political season finds me in the midst of a hotly contested campaign. We’ve faced some difficult challenges so far, but thanks to a tremendous effort by the amazing readers who support this blog, we’ve put an end to electoral shenanigans at the NCJ. Now we have to win the election.

We only have until Sept 5, that’s next Weds., to get AS MANY VOTES AS POSSIBLE in to the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. This critical deadline means that you need to cast your ballot Today!  I cannot stress enough, how important it is to vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do” in the North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” reader survey. Please do it RIGHT NOW!!!

 

The future hangs in the balance. Raising the profile of this blog, to the status of “Best of Humboldt” could have a dramatic effect on the scope of public debate, politics and policy, here in Humboldt County. I know that seems extraordinarily unlikely, but you have the power to make it happen. Please, take that critical step. Vote for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “best blog” in the NCJ “Best of Humboldt” reader survey.

Regardless, of the high-stakes, I want to keep this a clean, positive campaign. This campaign has always been about the strength of the material here at “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”, not about badmouthing other, less deserving blogs. However, as you undoubtedly know, the gloves are off when it comes to campaign spending. In this environment, I cannot afford to tell my larger donors not to form a SuperPAC.

Law prohibits SuperPACs from coordinating with the campaign of the candidate they support. So, I have no control whatsoever over anything this new SuperPAC, “Swiftblog Inveterates With Nothing Better To Do” does or says. The “Swiftblog Inveterates With Nothing Better To Do”, in turn, cannot say anything to endorse me or my campaign, but will work to raise important facts about the Humboldt county blogosphere that they feel every NCJ reader should know.

Please remember, that unless you see my name, John Hardin, specifically endorsing an ad, I have nothing whatsoever to do with it. I know the onslaught of negative political ads becomes tiresome. I’m sure you are sick of the twisted misrepresentations, the extreme lowbrow appeal, and the just plain ugly tone of politics these days. I am sick of it too, that’s why I run this campaign on the strength of what you read here at “Like you’ve Got Something Better To Do”.

I work hard to make “Like You’ve got Something better To Do” entertaining, to present thought provoking essays, and to show up every fucking week. Whether its a poem, a “Word Power” vocabulary word, an “On The Money” economic advice column, or a “You Call That Cooking” food story, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” delivers steaming hot blog posts to your device of choice, every fucking week.

That’s dedication. That’s service. That’s the kind of blog I run here at “Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do”. You can count on me, because I’ve proven that I can deliver the goods.

Today, I need you to deliver the goods. Please, click this link. It takes you to the NCJ website, click on the long skinny button that takes you to the ballot. Click through to the very last category, the type in (or copy and paste) “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” next to the category labeled “Best Blog” then click through till you see the kitten with wings. That’s all it takes. Please do it now!!! Thank you. I am John Hardin, and I endorse this message.

A Wrong That Must Be Writed, and IT WAS!!!

A Wrong That Must be Writed

 

Dear Readers,

Many of you have discovered, and alerted me to the fact, that the when they followed the links to the NCJ “best of Humboldt” ballot, (Urgent!!) they were told that they could not cast their ballot because they had already voted. Of course, I had already voted by the time I wrote the piece that included the links. After all, I had to know how the ballot worked before I could write about how to fill it out. However, everyone else who clicked the link was improperly denied their right to vote in the NCJ annual “Best of Humboldt” survey.

THANK YOU DEAR READERS, This abomination has been remedied.  You can now follow this link to the NCJ website and vote for www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com as Humboldt’s Best Blog

I cannot abide by this atrocity. Something must be done to stop the mass disenfranchisement of Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do readers. I mean, I don’t really believe in democracy myself, personally, but I’ll bet that most of you do. You were outraged at Florida’s new voter ID law aimed at stripping millions of Black and Hispanic voters of their right to cast a ballot, weren’t you? How do you like being victimized that way? I’ll bet you’re pissed! I’ll bet you’re ready picket the NCJ tomorrow.

Just hold your horses!! Before we disrupt their business with a loud and unruly crowd of angry blog readers, let’s give the NCJ a chance to explain themselves, and make amends. Below, is a letter I sent to the editor of the NCJ explaining this entire catastrophe. I encourage all of you to also express your outrage at this injustice, by sending an email to the NCJ. Below my Letter to the Editor, I have included text that you can copy-and -paste into the email to help make your point.

For God’s sake, cast your ballot for “Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do” in the NCJ readers poll. Find a recent copy of the NCJ and fill out the old fashioned paper ballot, or use your vast knowledge of computers to hack your way through that evil software. We still need to save NCJ readers from their yawning chasm of boredom. Despite this disaster, dammit, we still have a job to do.

OK, here’s my Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

Hey, no fair! After casting my ballot in the annual NCJ Best of Humboldt readers poll, I included a link to the survey ballot on my blog “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” (www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com), encouraging my readers to participate in the survey. The NCJ website denied everyone who clicked that link access to the ballot, telling them that they had already voted.

“Like you’ve got Something Better To Do” readers should be allowed to vote in this survey, and deserve to have their votes counted. By now, most regular www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com readers who felt inclined to respond to your survey have already had their votes unfairly, unceremoniously, and wrongly rejected. This constitutes a travesty of justice, an assault against “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” readers, and a corruption of the democratic process. As a result, your survey is tainted, distorted, and skewed, even.

My blog, “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com has been unfairly victimized, disadvantaged, and injured by the NCJ’s flawed and intentionally discriminatory voter ID protocol. I am outraged that the NCJ would stoop to the kind electoral shenanigans that I expect from Florida republicans, just to keep their readers from discovering what many in Humboldt County already know, that “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” is the funniest blog in Humboldt County.

I know that’s not really saying a lot, but still, you don’t reject votes for Stars Hamburgers, or the North Coast Co-Op, even though you leave stacks of paper ballots in those establishments, and you shouldn’t dis “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” readers because they found a link to the ballot at the blog.

Sincerely, John Hardin,

Now, here’s some text you can use in your own letter to the NCJ

Dear Editor,

I am outraged. I attempted to cast my ballot in the NCJ Best of Humboldt reader survey, and was told, quite incorrectly, that I had already voted. I was reminded to cast my ballot by my favorite blog “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”. I thought it was sweet that John Hardin encouraged so many people to participate in your silly survey. You should thank him for drawing so much attention to your stupid little contest. You should be ashamed of yourself for how you treated me and other “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” readers.

Sincerely, (insert your name here)

or try this one:

Dear Editor,

How dare you! How dare you tell me that I already voted in your survey! I did no such thing! I am outraged! I am angry! I am pissed! ….and I am waiting for further instructions.

Sincerely, (insert your name here)

Send emails to:

letters@northcoastjournal.com