Category Archives: blogging

Word Power; Grangerize

 

wordpower

Word Power

Building Your Vocabulary One word at a Time

grangerize wordgrangerize

 

 

grangerize (grain jer eyes) v to illustrate by inserting engravings or photographs from other books. Also to mutilate books to obtain material for such illustrations. Derived from the English author James Granger, who used this method to illustrate his book: Biographical History of England.

 

James Granger

James Granger

 

How about that! There’s a word to describe the method I use to illustrate this blog.

grangerize1

I guess that makes me a grangerizer. …or maybe I could call myself a Granger Ranger.

granger ranger

 


SHARC Party

 

SHARC Party

shark party

This afternoon, Thursday January 2 at 5:00PM PST on KMUD, Redwood Community Radio, Garberville, CA, you can hear the 46th episode of The SHARC Report; A Show All About Radio for Radio Lovers Like You. Up until now, I don’t think I’ve mentioned The SHARC Report in this blog at all, but I’ve produced this monthly, half-hour radio show for almost four years now.

kmud-radio-logo

I’m writing about the show today for a couple of reasons:

  1. I tried something different for this show, and I’m pleased with the results.

  2. Between producing both The SHARC Report and The Living Earth Connection, which aired this past Sunday, Dec. 29, I got nothing else for you this week.

Nothing-To-Blog

I recorded this edition of The SHARC Report at the club’s holiday pot-luck get together. I hoped to get a few candid interviews with the jovial ambiance of a party in the background. I think it worked out pretty well, perhaps one of the best episodes to date.

ONE-OF-THE-BEST-YET-MIXI hope you enjoy it.  Back with more next week.

back next week fish


The 12 Days of Christmas

The 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the second day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the third day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

three French maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

eight filkers filking,

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking,

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

eleven diapers wiping,

11 diapers wiping

…ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

twelve plumbers plumbing,

12 plumbers plumbing

…eleven diapers wiping,

11 diapers wiping

…ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

Merry Christmas!

Now…. What did you get me?


The Giving Season

The Giving Season

giving season

As 2013 winds to a close, once again we find ourselves in “The Giving Season”. The time of year when we take a moment to show our appreciation for the people who matter to us, and to the folks who serve us faithfully all year long.

faithful-service

Of course, a lot of the people who serve you faithfully all year long, like your postman, barista or auto-mechanic, your kids school teacher and bus driver, your hooker, drug dealer and bartender, or if you live around here, your crew of trimmers, those people all get paid for their work. Believe me, those people wouldn’t lift a finger for you, if it weren’t for the fat paychecks they take home week after week. So, fuck them! Don’t waste your generosity on those douche nozzles.

douche nozzle

Instead, this year, give generously to the people who really deserve it. Give to the people who work hard for you all year, every week, rain or shine, and ask for nothing in return for their tireless efforts and diligence. People who make it their priority to provide you with interesting, amusing, and mildly arousing entertainment every week, free of charge, and without compensation, acting purely from the goodness of their hearts, for the benefit of all of humanity. In other words, people like me, your humble blogger at Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt

I honestly cannot think of anyone who deserves your generous financial gift more than I do, and if you take the time to think about it carefully, I think you’ll agree. Don’t make the stupid mistakes that trap so many gullible saps into supporting greedy, undeserving scam artists, while good, hard-working people like me persevere through the cold, dark winter months without so much as a “thank-you” from the faceless masses who show up here to consume my work anonymously, leaving nothing of themselves but the statistics that record their activity.

statistics_big

Lots of people give money to help the poor around the holidays, and I can hardly think of a dumber waste of money. Look, I don’t have any money. I’m poor, but you don’t see me standing on the side of the road looking pathetic, flying a cardboard sign, and playing on your sympathies. I don’t do that because I don’t play people for saps.

sap

The poor are just a bottomless pit. That’s why they call it “pity”. Don’t throw your money into it. The poor aren’t poor because they don’t have enough money; the poor are poor because the rich have no use for them, and the middle-class would rather kiss rich ass than stand shoulder to shoulder with the poor against the 1%. I spit in the eye of the rich and the middle-class, and call them on their bullshit, while the poor who stand around begging, just play the rich and middle-class for suckers, and exploit them for their pity without challenging the status quo.

status-quo-10

Some people prefer to give money to organizations that help the poor, rather than giving to poor people individually, but these organizations play you for rubes too. The Salvation Army hires thousands of “bell-ringers” every holiday season just to suck up all of the money that would otherwise go directly into the pockets of poor people. That is, if business owners didn’t harass, kick and call the cops on every legitimately poor person who comes within 30 ft of their business. Merchants love these “bell-ringers” almost as much as they despise and detest real poor people.

bell_ringer

The money that you drop into the Salvation Army kettle goes to pay a literal army of salaried administrators, who enjoy comfy heated offices, medical benefits, and paid vacation time. They spend their days deciding which projects to fund that will make them look good in the public’s eye, while they dream up new ways to capitalize on the pity of the stupid. What is more obnoxious, a paid asshole who never stops ringing that goddamned bell, or a homeless beggar with a nice quiet sign? Take my advice, ignore them both, and give to me, the one you neither see nor hear.

__hear_no_evil__see_no_evil__speak_no_evil

Some people like to give money to environmental organizations. These groups suck worse than organizations that help the poor. I don’t care whether it’s Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, World Wildlife Federation, Natural Resources Defense Council, PETA, or any of the fucking PIRGs, they’re all full of the same bullshit. They’re all just a bunch of spoiled brat white kids who would rather take pictures of dead whales, tortured lab animals, or disgusting landfills full of toxic waste than get a job killing whales, torturing lab animals or making massive amounts of pointless consumer garbage.

Landscape

Every year we have more environmental organizations, and every year the environmental crisis grows more dire. Stop throwing good money after bad, and cut those suckers off.

cutoff 5

The same goes for social justice organizations like the ACLU, Doctors Without Borders, or the Southern Poverty Law Center.  Doctors and lawyers are the blood-sucking scum floating at the top of the cesspool we call modern society. If doctors and lawyers think they can do something about the injustice and inequality in the world, they should do it with the vast sums of money we already overpay them for creating that injustice and inequality in the first place. Don’t give those greedy bastards one more dime than you absolutely have to.

lawyer-vs-doctor

Finally, too many people donate money every year to support public media like PBS, NPR and Community Radio. For God’s sake don’t get fleeced by these shysters. So what if you let Big Bird babysit your kids or like to watch taxpayer funded programming from some socialist country that forces people to pay for it. That’s no reason to open your wallet for them.

big bird begging

Whenever a publicly funded media outlet asks for money, they always like to remind us how much better they are than Fox News. So what! That’s like gonorrhea asking for money because it’s better than AIDS. Look, we’re all media here. Media ain’t gonna save the fucking world folks. I’m not saying that public media is as bad as a case of “the clap”, but there’s a good argument to be made that we’d all be better off without any of it. There’s some news you’ll never here on public media. Here’s some more: Public media is one of the most overfed pigs at the public trough.

pigs_trough1

They all tell you that it’s non-commercial programming, but that doesn’t stop them from interrupting every fifteen minutes to tell you that the show was paid for by “Saps like you, and generous contributions from Archer Daniels Midland, Cramming Our Food Down Your Throat 247365, Warehouser, Clear-cutting Old-Growth Forests So We Can Plant More Trees, or Massey Energy, We Mine Coal… Fuck You.

massey_energy

Yes, all of those public media outlets enjoy taxpayer subsidies, and suck-up to every evil corporation on the planet for the billions of dollars they give, just for the phony respectability that public media gives them. That’s why you never hear anything like the biting social criticism you read here at lygsbtd, on public media. Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do challenges the right, the left, and everyone in the middle. You won’t get that on PBS, NPR, or even community radio.

PBS

All of those public media outlets know where their money comes from, and they’re not about to rock the boat. I don’t know where my money comes from, because I don’t have any. and I’m all about rocking the boat, because the boat is sinking! Public media still wants you to believe in the system, because they are part of the system. They don’t care what the system does to you or your kids future, you’re already shark bait to them, and they’re the shark.

shark bait 1

For them, it’s a feeding frenzy, and they’re never satisfied. They always want more. It’s time to cut them off, and put your money behind the real independent voice of Southern Humboldt County, me, and this blog Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do. Your kids will never forgive you if you don’t.

never forgive

I don’t take money from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, because I can’t deal with the paperwork involved. I don’t take money from corporations. I mean, I would, if any of them offered me any, but so far they haven’t. Any corporations looking for favorable coverage from a hot, edgy new-media outlet, I’m listening, but until we make a deal, you are fair game.

Fair_Game

Until now, I have not received even one-cent, from anyone, for producing this blog. Yet, every week, I give you more. I give you more humor, more pictures, more social commentary, more science, more economics, more big words, more of myself than I give to my beloved partner Amy, who’s feeling a little unappreciated right now. So how about it folks? I could sure use some help right about now. My truck broke down last week and it’s going to cost more than a grand to fix it.

truck broke down

If you enjoy reading this blog, and if you’ve gotten this far, you must, click that donate now button. Give a hundred bucks to keep me, lygsbtd, my truck, and my mechanic, going strong in 2014.

2014-marketing-strategy

Can’t afford a whole Benjamin? I understand that times are tough. How about a dollar week? $52, that’s just one dollar per post for all of 2014. It would really mean a lot to me.

In fact, as a thank-you gift, for any contribution of $25 or more, I will send you this lovely Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do coffee mug.

lygsbtd mug

This is a really nice mug. It holds 16oz of your favorite beverage. It has the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do logo on the side. It’s a good quality ceramic mug, and I’m happy to send it to you for $25. Of course, the real prize is this blog: Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do, and your donation will keep it coming to you all year in 2014.  thanks for your generous support!


300th Post at Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

300th post at LYGSBTD

300 club

Today I’m proud to present to you the 300th post at Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do.  Can you believe it?  300 posts and still going strong.  In addition to 300 occasionally humorous essays, you’ll also find over 3,000 pictures, silly pictures, sexy pictures, stolen pictures.  Every week, in addition  to the many hours that it takes me to compose these essays, I spend at least 4hours poring over pictures to illustrate each post.

300x205xGandalf-Studying-300x205-1.png.pagespeed.ic.oV69qGzkK4From time to time, in my quest for the perfect picture for a given paragraph, I come across a picture that that doesn’t quite suit the post, but is just too good to pass up.  At the end of each year, I burn all of the pictures I have collected for the blog onto a couple of cds, and then never look at them again.  So, for today’s 300th post, I thought I’d share some of those pictures I liked well enough to save, but weren’t quite relevant enough to fit into another post.  Let’s get to it:

ninjas and piratesThis sign only makes me want to get inside more.  I hope it does the same for you.

Femen_photoI don’t know what these women are protesting, but I support them 100%, which leads to…

eyes on their breastsWomen with eyes on their breasts.  This would make talking to women so much easier.

residents groupiesOr maybe, if women’s eyes were bigger than their breasts, even if they only had one, it would be easier to look them in the eye.  These women are obviously Residents fans.  If you’ve never heard of the Residents, you should check them out.

While you’re watching the Residents, you might wish you had some LSD.  I know I do.

Blotter_LSD_Dumbo-tonguebut be careful with that stuff…

lsdand while you are soaring through outer space, you might appreciate a companion…

301969_255945184448476_1627384718_nclearly alcohol was involved, but what a great Halloween costume.  Speaking of costumes…

chicken costumena na na na na na na na na… Cockman!  Who could have imagined that a bat would be more popular..

Bats babyOk, I guess bats are pretty damn cute, but you know what is even cuter than baby bats…

smallest catThe world’s smallest cat.  Not a kitten, this cat is a year-and-a-half old in this photo.  You know who is not going to make it to one-and-a-half years old…

shoot the babyThis baby.  To explain this photo, I offer the following graph…

Stupid-Evil-Crazy21That explains a lot, doesn’t it.  but not this…

rocket bullManned space flight is always a bad idea, because of all the global warming gasses that it generates, but trying it indoors was an especially bad idea.   They should have read the sign…

fart control signanother sign of the times…

fastenersbecause in this modern era, everything is falling apart which makes us nostalgic for the old days, when products were made with quality, style and durability in mind.  like these…

furry keyholeGenuine mink…  and only $1, what a bargain.  What a great way to show off your great taste.  Of course, you’ll need a suit…

dorcad50

Yes, Dorcus made great suits for men.  I can’t imagine why they are not still in business, with innovative products like this.

dorcus sweatWow… What a Dorcus!  For more Dorcus fashions, I recommend: http://www.lileks.com/institute/dorcus/index.html

Speaking of fashion…

crab headImagine this woman’s surprise.  you might expect to be bitten by a crab, on the toe, while walking barefoot on the beach, but when they attack from above, in urban environments, we’re all in big trouble.  Speaking of trouble…

thankskillingIt’s revenge time, and we’ll never know what hit us because…

zombie apocalypseIt’s a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! or you’ll end up like this…

Bone chandelierThis chandelier is made entirely from human bones.  It’s part of the bone cathedral in the Czech Republic.  Here’s a video:

I think it’s beautiful, and find it inspiring.  Sometimes I think I’d like to make something nice like this out of my community.  But The Chech Republic doesn’t have a monopoly on morbid…

usasurpasses3_4We’re Number One!  We’re Number One!  We’re Number One!  And speaking of religion…

christianityBecause without Christians, we’d never have…

figs in hellYes, we have issues with food in this country.  Only in the USA would you see this…

fat guy eatingI think this photo sums up American culture perfectly.  I don’t know what the hell is going on, and I don’t want to.  Speaking of inscrutable…

Pee-for-victoryBut who could pass up the free chlamydia test kit.  So here’s your opportunity to participate…

restroomsI think that’s the most graphic restroom graphic I’ve ever seen.  I’m guessing the artist has never watched a woman pee outside before.  Finally, as an artist, I leave you with a quote, that explains this post.

great artists steal

 

 

 

 

 


Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

 

Every Day is Halloween in SoHum

joel-cartoon-halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween, at least officially, but here in Southern Humboldt County, every day feels like Halloween. Silly costumes and cheesy decorations can’t compare with the scary stuff we contend with all the time here in SoHum. Here’s a sample:

carpathian

Black Cats I don’t know why anyone would be afraid of a house-cat because of it’s color, whatever it was, but we do have some black cats around here that will make your heart stop. Mountain lions are scary enough, but in our forests, black, or melanistic mountain lions are fairly common. Of the three mountain lions that have crossed my path here in Humboldt, two of them were black, nose to tail. I saw one black mountain lion while walking on BLM land in the King Range and another ran across the road as I was driving through Honeydew.

NHP-ARO001849A

Skeletons We have more skeletons around here than we have closets to stuff them into here in Humboldt County. If you wander around the hills of SoHum long enough, eventually you’re bound to discover some human remains. You might find a bloated corpse at the tide-line on the beach, a tennis shoe, with a foot still inside it sticking up out of the river bar, or a mauled and partially eaten limb abandoned by a bear in the woods. So many people go missing in Southern Humboldt every year that if you walk in the woods long enough, sooner or later you’ll find one, or become one.

skeleton-and-crow

Ghosts We have at least two ghosts in SoHum, and they are both the ghost of chance. That is, in our small rural community, we have two candidates who are both running for Congress, and each of them has a ghost of a chance of being elected. If you believe in ghosts, you might consider voting for Andy Caffrey or Dale*. There’s a scary thought.  *Dale works at Shop Smart in Redway, and has officially announced his candidacy.  I couldn’t find his last name anywhere, but if you live here, you know who I’m talking about.

caffrey joint-fix

Zombies Meth eats brains, leaving in its wake, toothless, hollow-eyed, walking corpses that wander the streets in search of…money… MONEY… MUST HAVE MONEY. This mindless quest for more money has infected almost everyone in SoHum, so the streets are full of zombies, but brains are hard to come by. Frankly, if people in SoHum had more brains, they wouldn’t need so much money, but try convincing a zombie of that.

zombies-money

Bats Nocturnal flying mammals that devour mosquitoes by the thousands are a real blessing here in SoHum. However the bats wielded by local townsfolk strike more than fear into the hearts of the poor and homeless.

bat upside down

Witches Humboldt County’s Wiccan community is responsible for cleaning up a stretch of Highway 101 North of Redcrest, and they have their own Spiritual Perspectives show on KMUD. Around here, witches are pretty mainstream.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Pumpkin-Headed Dummies What would Halloween be without Halloween dummies made of old clothes stuffed with fall leaves, with a jack-o-lantern perched on top for a head. We have a scary, empty-headed stuffed-shirt around here all the time. We call him Blake Lehman.

halloween dummy

Trick or Treat If you ate at Treats, you were probably tricked into it.

Treats

Bigfoot Sightings Sure, the famous Patterson-Gimlin film, regarded as the most convincing evidence of the existence of Bigfoot, was shot near Willow Creek on the other side of the county, but you can see large, hairy, odoriferous primates of unknown origin any day of the year in SoHum. On Wednesday mornings, you might just see one working on his blog.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt


Is Humor Dead in Humboldt?

Is Humor Dead in Humboldt?

cryptic humor

It looks like the North Coast Journal’s weekly humor feature, Andrew Goff’s “70Heaven” has fizzled out. This blog hasn’t been funny in months (or years). Savage Henry was never funny, and I haven’t heard much from the comedy troupe they spawned, Ba-Dum-Ch in a while now. What does that leave us for humor in Humboldt? Joel Meilke?

joel meilke1

Joel fucking Meilke? That lame Mr. Natural ripoff?

JOEL-CARTOON

Thank god he hasn’t done that shtick in a while.

I have to admit that I liked his cartoon (in the NCJ) “Paradise Lost” from a few weeks ago,

Mielke paradise found

  …and I was glad to see that he made fun of Arkley’s homelessness meeting.

arkley cartoon

 “The Ravages of the Present” is pretty good too.

Mielke ravages

While Goff’s 70Heaven heaved its last dying breath with the little train joke that couldn’t…

Seven_O_Heaven train joke

…Joel Meilke actually grew a funny bone. Congratulations Joel, by default, you have become the funniest man in Humboldt.joel meilke best of humboldt

Disregard the following advertizement.


Audience Participation Time

 

Audience Participation Time

AudienceParticipation

Well it’s that time of year again, the time of year when the North Coast Journal asks its readers to vote for the “Best of Humboldt”. It’s also the time of year when I ask lygsbtd readers, whether they live in Humboldt Co. or not, and whether they read the North Coast Journal or not, to vote for this blog in the “Best Blog” category of the contest. This has always been a fun way to add a little audience participation to this little endeavor, and for the last two years, you, the readers of this blog, have swamped the North Coast Journal with enough votes that this blog has placed in the top 5 for two years running.

MISS USA 2009 COMPETITION

In past years, I always encouraged my readers to skip the rest of the categories. I asked you to scroll through the ballot until you got to the “Best Blog” category, type in “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, scroll through the rest of the ballot ’till you see the “Submit” button, click on it, and you’re done. Easy enough, and smart, because it’s so rare to find a business that doesn’t suck in Humboldt that trying to pick your favorites in a long list of categories gets depressing fast.

Disney_Gets_Depressing_

This year however, the NCJ has changed the rules. This year they are disqualifying any ballot that has votes in less than thirty categories. This makes the contest grossly unfair, overly burdensome, and undemocratic. The NCJ should be ashamed of themselves for their callous disregard for their reader’s time, energy and well being.

callous disregard

Trying to find thirty businesses in Humboldt County that don’t suck is a fool’s errand. Besides that, in this year’s survey, there is no category for “Best Blog”. This is an outrage! I realize that we have a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of the press in this country, but the NCJ has stepped over the line on this one. Far from conducting an impartial survey of their readers, this year’s “Best of” competition was clearly designed to help the NCJ target Humboldt County’s plethora of barely mediocre businesses for future ad revenue.

your ad hereyour ad hereyour ad hereadvertizing

Just check out the pathetic list of categories in this year’s contest. Only seven categories, out of 65 total ask about anything other than local businesses. “Best Vista” “Best Weekend Getaway” “Best Day Hike” “Best Day Trip With Kids”, “Best Place to Propose” and “Best Thing You Miss From Back in the Day”…you mean like, this contest before it sucked.

sucked

Really, the only good thing about Humboldt County is the natural environment. The big trees, the mountains, the fresh air and the undeveloped beaches make Humboldt County great. The cougars, the elk and the bears make Humboldt County exciting. The salmon, the otters, the ringtails and the fishers make Humboldt County amazing. The plovers, the owls and the murilets make Humboldt County irreplaceable. The pelicans, possums and porcupines make Humboldt County peculiar.

porcupine

When was the last time you saw a porcupine in Humboldt County? Wouldn’t that brighten your day more than getting your nails done (real category: “Best Nail Artist”), or drinking a Bloody Mary at Happy Hour prices (real categories: “Best Bloody Mary” and “Best Happy Hour”)? If not, there’s something wrong with you. You should probably move to someplace where the closest thing to wildlife is the raccoons who live in the storm sewers, you cretan.

bloody nails

Speaking of “sewers”, lets look at some of the other stupid categories the NCJ has asked its readers to vote on:

stupid Categories

“Best Bank/Credit Union” Who likes their bank these days? Even at the best of times, no one gets excited about their bank, and these are far from the best of times for bank popularity. Sure, maybe I hate my credit union less than I despise Bank of America, but that’s like asking who is my favorite fascist, Hitler or Mussolini. Speaking of fascists, check out this next real category:

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist? You've got to go with Hitler, right?

Who would you choose as no. 1 Fascist?
You’ve got to go with Hitler, right?

“Best Cop” All cops suck, and Humboldt County has some of the suckiest scum in uniform. Do you want to vote for the cop who shot the unarmed teenager to death, or do you want to vote for the cop who murdered the mentally ill woman in her own home, or perhaps you prefer the ones who swabbed pepper spray in non-violent protesters eyes? Maybe you like your parole officer, or the cop who lied on the witness stand to get you convicted in the first place. So many to choose from, how will you ever decide?

swab pepper spray

What’s next, “Best Contagious Disease”, “Best Mold Strain” or “Best Tick”?

I like the little one best.

I like the little one best.

This year’s “Best of” survey has fourteen categories for restaurants. I can’t think of seven Humboldt County restaurants I even like. The only restaurant category that has any real competition, in my opinion, is (believe it or not, this is a real category) “Best Last Meal in Humboldt”. I can think of at least ten restaurants I’ve eaten at in Humboldt County that made me wish I were dead, but I sure wouldn’t recommend them to a condemned man.

condemned man humboldt county

Here’s another category with plenty of competition:

“Best Thing to Bitch About in Humboldt County” Humboldt county has such an abundance of stuff to bitch about. Whether it’s the corrupt county government, the crooked, violent cops, greedy dope yuppies, sleazy landlords, real-estate agents and land developers, the stupid people and their ugly vicious dogs, lousy drivers, terrible restaurants, bloated non-profits, inflated property values, overpriced gasoline, ripoff grocery stores, not to mention worthless newspapers, we’ve certainly got plenty to bitch about in Humboldt County.

complain about

So, this year I ask you to join me in showing your contempt for the North Coast Journal’s crass attempt to use it’s readers to seduce new advertisers, by voting for this blog, “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do”, in every single category. Show the NCJ that you are not taken in by their sleazy ploy, and that you have great taste in reading material, by voting for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” as “The Best in Humboldt” for every single stupid category.

love vote ncj

If, by some chance, you do have a favorite among their stupid categories, don’t waste your time trying to find twenty-nine other businesses you can recommend. That will only disgust and depress you. Instead, just vote for “Like You’ve Got something Better To Do” in all of the other categories. That way, your one real vote will count, despite their ridiculous new rule. Don’t let the NCJ’s stupid categories and silly rules dissuade you from showing your support for the biting criticism, sardonic sarcasm and occasional humor that you get from reading “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do”. Cast 65 votes for “Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do” in the NCJ’s “Best of Humboldt” survey this year.

best of humboldt meilke

I’ll make it easy form you. Here’s the text to copy:

Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

…and here’s a link to the ballot:

North Coast Journal’s “Best of Humboldt” survey ballot

Now click on the link and paste the text into each of the 65 categories. Then click on the button marked “Submit” and you’re done. You’ll be glad you did (and so will I).

youll be glad

Thank you!

thank-you-funny-memes-images-fun-bajiroo-pictures-thankyou-again1


10 Great Ideas to Bring More Traffic to Your Blog

10 Great Ideas to Bring More Traffic to Your Blog

blog traffic

When I started this blog, over two years ago now, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t understand why people wrote blogs, or what made one blog more popular that another, or why anyone reads blogs at all. I never read blogs myself. I have better things to do with my time, and feel terribly sad for those who don’t.

feeling sad

After a couple of years in the blogosphere, however, I have discovered that the key to understanding the blog phenomena, and to blogging successfully lies in understanding one critical fact. That fact is, people are idiots.

full of idiots

Yes, the web is full of suckers, in fact, the web was designed for suckers, and these suckers roam the web looking for something to suck on. If you want them to suck your blog, the first thing you have to do is:

suck

  1. Think like an idiot. If you visit the web’s most popular blogs, you’ll find yourself wondering, “Who would be stupid enough to read this tripe?” The answer is that among today’s, “media savvy” content consumers, you won’t find many with an IQ higher than your average hamster. Intelligent people think for themselves, based on their own experience, and learn from doing things themselves. Consequently, intelligent people have little use for the internet, and spend very little time online.intelligent people

  2. Create the illusion that you are providing useful information. Your blog should look, on first glance, as though it might really supply something useful or insightful. Of course it doesn’t, because if you knew how to do anything, you would have something better to do that write a blog.something better to do

  3. State your opinion. Like the old saying goes: opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and mostly they’re full of shit. Chances are, your stupid opinion falls somewhere on the continuum of idiocy between flaming liberal and lock and load libertarian. So, no matter how pea-brained, ill-considered or moronic your opinion, most idiots will either agree, or disagree with it. This encourages “reader engagement”, and soon your blog will overflow with stupid comments.stupid_comments

  4. Celebrity endorsements. Sure, it would be great if you could convince a major celebrity to endorse your blog, but you probably don’t know any major celebrities, and they will never return your calls because they have better things to do than read your stupid blog. Instead, to increase traffic at your blog, I suggest that you endorse some celebrities For instance, I wholeheartedly endorse Mylee Cyrus’ decision to go braless.cyrus braless

  5. Find a way to inject some T and A into your blog. Sure, sexualized images are exploitative and degrading, besides that, they are cruel, but if it weren’t for exploitative, degrading and cruel uses of technology, we’d all still live in teepees and hunt bears with stone tipped spears. Adding T+A to your blog is as close as you can come to directly injecting your readers with drugs. Sure it’s great if people enjoy your writing, but to keep them coming back, you want them to physically desire your blog.early ass

  6. Ask a provocative question that keeps people hanging until they click on a link. For instance: Is this a picture of Tom Hanks diseased penis? Click here to find out.California sea lion

  7. Write about famous brand name products, like this: McDonald’s to open luxury drive through lane for Lexus owners serving Crystal champagne and Absolut Vodka bloody marys. Not only are brand names like Starbucks, GAP and KFC some of the few words that idiots rarely misspell, brand name companies tend to google themselves a lot.google-yourself-cartoon-snakes

  8. Use lots of photographs. Idiots don’t have much of an attention span. The quickest way to get them to leave your site is to post a whole page of text without a single picture, and the best way to get an idiot to read the copy you write, is to insert an intriguing, but inscrutable photograph into it.inscrutable

  9. Lists. 5 reasons lists work:

    1. Eliminate the need for pesky context

    2. Suit short attention spans

    3. No need to index

    4. Easy to pad out

    5. No need to think in complete sentencesStupid-list-740x280

  10. Offer to help people attract more traffic to their website. Everyone wants more traffic at their website. They don’t care where it comes from, or how it got there. When it comes to web traffic, more is always better. You’ll never know if people actually read your post, but on the web, all that really matters is that they looked at the page. If, after reading a sentence or two, they decide to go looking for something else, that counts as much as someone who read every word, so all you really need is a title that sucks people in, followed by a bunch of blah… blah… blah…BLAH BLAH BLAH

Try these ten tips and see if they don’t dramatically improve the stats on your blog.


Word Power; Misology

 

wordpowerWord Power

 

Building Your Vocabulary One Word at a Time

 

Misology

 

misology album

 

misology (miz olleh gee) n hatred of argument, reason or enlightenment

 

misology sarah palin

 

Usually the suffix “ology” at the end of a word means “science of” whatever the first part of the word refers to. In this case, however, “misology” does not refer to the science of hatred, but rather the hatred of science.

 

i hate science

 

Personally, I enjoy a good argument. I don’t go out of my way to start them, and I do my best to avoid them at parties or other social events, but I find debate invigorating and I’m open to having my mind changed by a thoughtful and well reasoned position.

fuck you science

I don’t think that argument is necessarily a great way to uncover the truth of a matter, but I still find them a worthwhile intellectual exercise.

girls hate science

 

Many people however, find any dispute distasteful. They want harmony and positivity at all times. Strong opinions, controversial ideas and differing perspectives make them uncomfortable, and will likely provoke a hostile response. For them, small talk is big enough, I guess.

keep calm hate science

 


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