Category Archives: art

The Big Picture; A Unique Musical Performance on KMUD

The Big Picture 6 cov

I’m really excited about my partner, Amy Gustin’s, latest radio show: Episode #9 of The Living Earth Connection, titled The Big Picture. The Big Picture airs Sunday March 30 at 9:30 AM Pacific Time on KMUD, Redwood Community Radio. You can also listen to it online by clicking “listen now” or by searching the archive @


The Big Picture airs during a time-slot known as The Spiritual Perspectives Hour, and Amy’s show, The Living Earth Connection, airs only on the fifth Sunday of the month, and only in those odd three or four months a year that have five Sundays. I know that most religious programming sucks, but I promise you that this show will be unlike anything you have ever heard on the radio before.

nothing you've ever heard before

I’m really excited about this show because it combines Amy’s Animist message with my electric didgeridoo music in a way that took on a life of its own. The resulting one hour-long musical performance, traces the history of life on Earth from its earliest microscopic origins through the evolution of the human brain, and uses science to reveal the ecology of beliefs that underpin the current environmental crisis. That’s why we call this project, “The Big Picture“.

animist vision

The combination of spoken word and didgeridoo in The Big Picture engages the whole brain, synthesizing the rational intellect with the wordless depths of the emotional subconscious in a way you’ll find both entertaining and edifying.  I hope you’ll tune in.

tune in

Bizarre Butt Embellishments

Bizarre Butt Embellishments

butt tattoo in progress

I see by my calendar that today is Ass Wednesday.  Ass Wednesday marks the beginning of Lint, the time of year when winter clothes traditionally begin to break down from being worn constantly.


In honor of this pointlessly offensive introduction, I present this pointlessly tasteless exhibit of bizarre butt embellishments.

butt tattoo bugTalk about having a bug up your butt, and continuing in the automotive theme…

butt tattoo trucksThese trucks haul ass!  But this probably gets better gas mileage…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA…and speaking of rude gestures…

butt tattoo fuck youFuck me?  Please.

butt tattoo stop…but I was just getting started.

butt tattoo battery terminalsProbably just needs a jump start.

butt tattoo insert coin… or maybe it requires a deposit

Butt-Tattoo seven dwarvesHi-ho  hi-ho, it’s off to work we go…

butt tattoo wheres waldoNow that you know where he’s been, maybe you don’t want to find him.

butt tattoo elmer fuddscwewy wabbit

butt tattoo Tiger-ButtMeow!  I think this is a fortune tookie.  What’s my lucky number?

butt tattoo 28…and I’ll bet 28 to bring up the rear.

butt tattoo packmanbut this is not my game, or my ass for that matter.

butt tattoo big appleand New York is not my town.

butt tattoo brainThis is your brain on ass, so remember…

butt tattoo crack killsSo, where are you from?

butt tattoo ca grown…and how about you?

butt tattoo barcodelong way from home, I guess.

butt tattoo antlersnice rack!

butt tattoo niupplesnice rack!

butt tattoo primeGovernment inspected!

butt tattoo boot…rejected, and given the boot.

butt tattoo-ass-1ass art.

butt tattoo 1more ass art.

butt tattoo colorfulcolorful ass art.

Butt Tattoos designsMonochromatic ass art.

butt tattoo shadesass art portrait.

butt tattoo black lightBlacklight ass art

butt tattoo freshsome fresh ass art.  bet she doesn’t sit down much for the next few days.  Speaking of painful…

butt tattoo bramblesHemorrhoids?  Maybe you should see a doctor…

butt tattoo dr phil…like Dr. Phil, and speaking of celebrities…

butt tattoo kanye…who is Kanye?

butt tattoo hulk hoganIn a no-holds barred cage match, who would win, Hulk or…

butt tattoo homerHomer?  and while we’re watching the Simpsons, how about…

butt tattoo simpsons


butt tattoo bart skull…and…

butt tattoo worst tattoo everPlenty of competition in that field.  especially if you consider this…

butt tattoo human centipede…or this…

butt tattoo cockroach…or this…

butt tattoo taco bellI’d call this a warning sign.

butt tattoo kiss thisSome asses can be demanding…

..butt_tattoo spank me…while some just crave attention

butt tattoo handsSome asses were meant for each other…

butt tattoo shake and bakeIt’s better than frying!

butt tattoo rihanna-ass-tattooSome asses get you high….

butt tattoo eagle…while others have wings…

butt tattoo butterfly1…to fly over the asstrophere.

butt tattoo gucciGucci, putting the ass in class.

butt tattoo biblicalSome asses are biblical…

butt tattoo balloon boy…some asses are topical, even if they are out of date…

butt tattoo tags…and some asses can say it in 140 characters or less.

butt tattoo shit happens…and this is where it happens.

butt tattoo pooThe proof is in the poo-ding.

butt tattoo eeyoreWhy so glum?  Is it because we’ve come to the ass-end of this post?

butt tattoo eyesUntil next week, here’s looking at you!

Ashtrays and the Evolution of Smoking Culture in America

Ashtrays and the Evolution of Smoking Culture in America

cultural evolution

I can’t believe how rapidly smoking culture has evolved, just in my lifetime. When I was a kid, my parents both smoked cigarettes… indoors. Damn near every table in the house had an ashtray on it, some had two. They had fancy ashtrays, for special occasions, and they had everyday ashtrays. They even had extra ashtrays in a drawer in case they had company.


I remember that you used to be able to buy ashtrays in stores, and they had lots of different kinds. They had cheap disposable ashtrays stamped from foil,

ashtray pinup

nice expensive ashtrays that looked like they belonged on an executive’s desk,

ashtray airplane 1

glass ashtrays,

ashtray glass square

metal ashtrays,


ashtrays carved from solid rock,

ashtray stone 1

and an amazing assortment of ceramic ashtrays.

ashtray ceramic-asst

These things really existed. I distinctly remember ashtrays,

ashtray eye

avocado-green boomerang-shaped ashtrays,

ashtray avacado boomerang

round mosaic-tiled ashtrays, as big as a dinner plate, that weighed at least ten lbs,

ashtray mosaic

stacks of brightly-colored mod-looking ashtrays manufactured from some sort of polymer resin.


I know I remember ashtrays.

ashtray remember

You would see one of these things, and you immediately knew what it was. You wouldn’t dream of using it for anything else. Even if it was brand new, people would look at you like you had lost your mind if you decided to, for instance, eat pudding out of an ashtray.

ashtray eating pudding

The intended purpose of an ashtray was to provide a non-flammable place to rest a lit cigarette, a suitable receptacle for flicked ashes, and a surface onto which a cigarette butt could be safely snuffed out. Ashtrays came in a bewildering array styles because people wanted their ashtrays to match the decor of the rooms those ashtrays would inhabit.


Do you remember ashtrays? I know there are young people out there right now thinking “ash trays?”, like they never saw those two words combined before. They have no idea what I’m talking about. They’ve never seen an ashtray, not even on TV. If you wanted to show a kid an ashtray, where would you go? If you wanted an ashtray for yourself, where would you go to buy one?

ashtray free

The disappearance of ashtrays, coupled with the number of people I’ve seen sitting under the eves of their own homes tells me that very few people smoke cigarettes indoors anymore. If you can’t do it in stores, bars or restaurants, and nowadays people won’t even do it in their own homes, cigarette smoking seems to have become an exclusively outdoor activity.

smoke outside

I’m mostly happy about this. I don’t smoke cigarettes, and I have become much more sensitive to cigarette smoke. I can’t imagine living with someone who insisted on smoking cigarettes indoors today, but I also feel for smokers. It must be a drag to have to excuse yourself from a warm cozy room to go stand outside in the cold, rain, snow, wind, heat, whatever, with nothing but a coffee can full of sand for your butts, like some kind of exile. That’s harsh.

bad habit

At the same time, marijuana smoking has become much more accepted. As a result, you can find boutiques all over this country that cater to marijuana smokers. You’ll find these shops stocked to the gills with a dizzying array of new smoking products ranging from vaporizers and dabbing nails, to hookahs and bongs to bubblers, hand pipes and rolling papers, no ashtrays, oddly enough, but tons of other smoking accessories.

head shop

I don’t know what pot smokers are supposed to do with the ashes that result from smoking marijuana, but the free market has provided them with a million new ways to turn marijuana into ash. After that, pot smokers are pretty much on their own.

bong girl

From the look of all of this new smoking gear, nearly everyone who smokes marijuana, does it indoors. Half of the new vaporizers plug into a wall outlet. Not many of those out in the woods. Nobody takes a glass bong the size of a bassoon to go get high in the park. Giant, conspicuous smoking apparatuses like that, stay at home, in a room.


I’m sure that part of the reason people smoke pot at home is the legal environment. Because of marijuana prohibition, pot smokers have gotten used to smoking in secret, so they do it privately, behind closed doors. Even now that two states have made smoking marijuana a legal recreational activity, both Washington and Colorado still prohibit marijuana use in public. It seems that even as legalization takes hold, considerable social pressure remains to keep marijuana smoking an indoor activity.

smoking marijuana indoors

Today, we see cigarette smokers outside under the eves with their cancer sticks and their can of sand, while marijuana smokers sit comfy and warm in their blacklit bedrooms with their Rube Goldberg meets Dr. Seuss smoking contraptions,


and maybe an old saucer that they drop their ashes into, or perhaps a potted plant. I use an oyster shell, personally. I don’t know what other people do.


It’s got to be rough for people who smoke both marijuana and cigarettes. They smoke some pot, but then they’ll have to step outside for a cigarette. They’ll have to ask someone to hold their contraption, go stand under the eve, smoke their butt, come back in, enjoy a few tokes, then it’s back out under the eves again. These people need revolving doors, and when was the last time you saw one of those.

Revolving Women

It kind of reminds me of segregation. I know it’s not the same thing by a long shot, but cigarette smokers used to rule the world. They wouldn’t even ask, “Do you mind if I smoke?” before they lit up. The air belonged to them, and if you didn’t like it, too bad. Businesses put ashtrays everywhere, just to remind cigarette smokers that they were welcome to fill the establishment with foul smelling fumes, and free matches, bearing the company logo were always close by.


Now cigarette smokers stand out in the cold like dogs who don’t know how to behave indoors, while marijuana smokers sit on the sofa in climate controlled comfort, fondling their preposterous pyrex party pipes, looking around for someplace to dump their freshly cashed bowl. My how the tables have turned, but I’ll bet you won’t find an ashtray on any of them.ashtray on a turntable

New Humboldt County Cannabis Strains for 2014


New Humboldt County Cannabis Strains for 2014


After Humboldt County Growers’ abysmal showing at the 2013 Cannabis Cup Awards, where not a single Humboldt County grower placed in the top ten, local cannabis breeders have been stirring up the gene pool in preparation for the 2014 growing season. “I guess our stuff has gotten a bit inbred.” said one Humboldt County grower, who asked to remain anonymous, because he was so ashamed of his weed’s poor showing at the awards, adding, “We’re definitely going to have to kick it up a notch if we want to stay competitive.”


So, in hopes of a better showing at next year’s Cannabis Cup, Humboldt County growers will try dozens of new strains. As part of the effort to “brand” Humboldt County ganja, and to encourage more community buy-in, this year’s strains have all been named after prominent Humboldt County citizens. Here’s a sample of what you might be smoking next Fall:


Gary Lee Bullock One toke of this brand new strain hits you like a metal pipe and sends you straight to heaven.

gary lee bullock

Ray Oakes If you smoke this strain, you’ll recall some memory from the distant past, with exceptional clarity, but you’ll get so distracted that it will take you two or three weeks to get to the good part.

ray oakes marijuana man

Blake Lehman Smoking this stuff will get you so high you think you own the whole town.


John Casali This strain is almost psychedelic in that it makes you see shit everywhere.

john casali

Paul Encimer Imbibe this new strain, and you won’t be able to stop talking, but nothing you say will make any sense.

paul encimer

Charlie Custer This strain gets you so stoned that you’ll say “um” twice before every sentence.

charlie custer

Bonnie Blackberry I love this strain, but if you smoke it, it will make you so paranoid that you’ll call the cops, just to find out what they are up to.

Apparently, Bonnie is also very paranoid about having her picture on the internet.  good thinking Bonnie!

Apparently, Bonnie is also very paranoid about having her picture on the internet. Good thinking Bonnie!

Eric Kirk Be careful of this strain. If you smoke it, you’ll become hopelessly addicted… to politics.


Estelle Fennel This strain is strong enough to turn a liberal lesbian into a redneck Good ‘Ol Boy.

estelle-f quote zombie poster

Anna Hamilton This pot makes people very empathetic, so much so, that it makes poor musicians worry that drug dealers aren’t making enough money.

anna hamilton

Rob Arkley Jr This strain has the opposite effect of the Anna Hamilton strain. Smoke a joint of RAJ and you’ll become totally self-absorbed, and oblivious to the needs of others.

arkley dishonest1

Chris Giauque A potent local strain, but nobody seems to know where to find it.

Chris Giauque

Ken Swithenbank This strain will give you a ticket or take you to jail unless you smoke its joint.


…but mostly, you’ll probably see tons of this generic:

Humboldt Dope Yuppie A popular strain among growers for its quick maturity and heavy yield, but generally despised by cannabis connoisseurs for its disappointing high. With a complex, but not exactly attractive, aroma that consists of equal parts dead fish, engine exhaust and money, this is the perfect strain for growers who actually prefer the taste of expensive red wine.

dope yuppies suck

Who knows, maybe the next Cannabis Cup winning strain will be named after you.


Local Pig Blames Chinn for “Cockroaches”, Priest’s Murder

Local Pig Blames Chinn for “Cockroaches”, Priest’s Murder

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

If you want to know about the Humboldt County social milieu, this story says it all:


Long time Southern Humboldt resident, Lee Bullock, a 44 year old man, raised in Southern Humboldt, with a home, an address, and family in the area, got arrested after someone in Redway called the Sheriff about a man seen hiding in the bushes and acting “bizarre” in the early afternoon of this past New Year’s Eve. The cops came, picked up Bullock, and deduced that he was intoxicated on drugs of some kind.

arrest intoxicated man

That’s a pretty typical Humboldt County thing, and it happens every day around here. Drug use is not only the foundation of our local economy, it is a cherished tradition and way of life in Humboldt County, so sometimes we get a little wild and crazy. Even at 1:30 in the afternoon, Lee Bullock was probably not the first person arrested for public intoxication in Humboldt County that day, and he certainly wasn’t the last. This was New Year’s Eve, after all.


According to the cops, Bullock became “combative” while in custody. From Bullock’s mug shot in the papers, you can easily see that someone became combative with him. None of the cops reported injuries, but Bullock was taken to the hospital upon arrival at the jail in Eureka. Again, nothing unusual there. Cops beat people up all the time in Humboldt County.

lee bullock

After being cleared by medical personnel, Bullock was returned to jail, in Eureka, more than 60 miles from his home west of Redway, where they held him in custody until just after midnight. At a quarter-to-one in the morning, just in time for last call on New Year’s Eve, Sheriff’s deputies released Lee Bullock, on his own recognizance, into Downtown Eureka, the most densely populated city in Humboldt County.

eureka at night

Even though Lee Bullock has lived in Humboldt County for a long time, and has family in the area, no one came to the jail to pick him up. Either he did not call anyone, or the people he called were indisposed, declined the invitation, or failed to show up.

didnt show up

Look, it’s a long drive from Southern Humboldt to Eureka, and it was New Year’s Eve for God’s sake. Even if he had reached someone who cared enough to make the trip, what are the chances they were sober enough to drive?


So, Lee Bullock, no doubt crashing hard from his recent drug binge, found himself wandering aimlessly around Eureka’s residential neighborhoods on a cold night, without adequate clothing, and no way to get home. A little while later, a Eureka PD cop encountered him hanging around St. Bernard’s Catholic Church, and told him to go away.

st bernards

The next morning, Eureka parishioners found their priest, Father Eric Freed, bludgeoned to death in the rectory of St. Bernard’s Church, and in Southern Humboldt, Father Freed’s car was found parked in the woods near the Bullock family home west of Redway. The cops put two and two together, and called the Bullocks to inquire about Lee’s whereabouts. Rather than have the Sheriff come all the way out to the Bullock family home, Lee’s family agreed to deliver Lee Bullock to the police for questioning.

st bernards rectory murder

Why would a Southern Humboldt family be so eager to drive Lee to the cops to face arrest for murder, especially when they couldn’t be bothered to pick him up from jail just the night before? I assume that was because the Bullock family home, like virtually every home in Southern Humboldt, was full of illegal drugs, guns and cash, and they didn’t want cops nosing around. That’s just a guess.

drugs guns and cash

So, Lee Bullock’s step-father got in the truck and took Lee for a ride, without telling his step-son that he was delivering Lee to the authorities to face murder charges. What did Lee’s step-father say to Lee to get him in the truck? “Come on Lee, beer run!” Whatever line he used, apparently it worked.

beer run

If Lee’s step-father would have gotten in the truck the night before, he could have saved everyone involved, especially Father Freed, a lot of headaches. As it turned out, they didn’t get far down the road before Sheriff’s deputies pulled them over and arrested Lee Bullock for the murder of Father Eric Freed.


Motive: a ride home.

motive for murder a ride home

Now that’s a Humboldt County story, but that’s not the Humboldt County story.

story time

The real icing, and it doesn’t get much icier, on this Humboldt County cake comes to us from the icy heart of Eureka bankster, bloodsucker, and all around swine, Rob Arkley Jr.


In a letter to the Lost Coast Outpost, Mr. Arkley expressed his feelings about this awful tragedy by blaming the murder Father Freed on Eureka philanthropist Betty Chinn.


Betty Chinn works to help poor and homeless people in Eureka, and the need is great. The recent Point-In-Time survey of homeless people, found more than 1,500 people living outside in Humboldt County in the dead of Winter. Betty Chinn does her best to help some, by no means all, of them get a meal, a shower, and maybe a place to sleep at night.

betty chinn outreach

She can’t possibly help all of them, but Ms. Chinn has helped a lot of people who have fallen on hard times, put their lives back together.

chinn obama

Naturally, you can see why this caused a deranged SoHum druggie to murder a Eureka priest.


That’s how Rob Arkley Jr sees it, anyway. In that letter to the Lost Coast Outpost, Arkley erroneously blames Father Freed’s murder on nameless “transients” who he describes as “cockroaches”, and he blames Betty Chinn because, he claims, the services she provides to the poor, attracts more of them to Eureka.


Of course this is ludicrous, but Rob Arkley Jr is the richest man in Humboldt County, so people get paid to listen to him, and local politicians kiss his behind. Arkley hates poor people, even though, as a banker and real-estate tycoon, making people poor is what he does for a living. Arkley hates seeing poor people around town. He views them as vermin. He’d put poison out for them if he could.

Homelessdude-poison horz

Instead, he does the next best thing. Rob Arkley Jr has undertaken a one man, albeit one rich man, campaign to starve poverty out of Eureka. He wants to cut the already meager, county expenditures on social services to the poor, and goes the extra mile by smearing the good name of anyone who dares help the poor privately. That’s the kind of guy he is.

arkley would

Imagine what it would be like if Rob Arkley Jr were different. Imagine what Rob Arkley Jr the millionaire owner of Security National Bank and Humboldt County real-estate tycoon, might say about the murder of Father Eric Freed, if Arkley were an honest man. I think it would sound something like this:

Eureka Embarrassment Rob Arkley Jr,  What if he were honest?

Eureka Embarrassment Rob Arkley Jr, What if he were honest?

You want to know why that priest, what’s his name, got killed? That priest got killed because the underground marijuana industry that drives the economic engine of Humboldt County, not to mention my own personal fortune, relies very heavily on black-market drug dealers.

drug dealer

Wherever you have lots of black-market drug dealers, you are bound to have lots of black-market drugs. Whenever you have lots of black-market drugs, you can expect an abundance of drug-crazed freaks like Lee Bullock.

speed kills

We get the picture Freddy

Now that this underground economy is a couple of generations old, we’re breeding drug-crazed freaks, like Lee Bullock, in the hills all over Humboldt County. These drug-crazed freaks don’t care about anything but themselves and their drugs, and they’ll kill anything that gets in their way. I know that because I have a lot in common with those freaks, except that I don’t care about anything but myself and my money.

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Eureka, CA Businessman Rob Arkley

Now, whenever any of those drug-crazed freaks act-up, anywhere in Humboldt County, the Sheriff hauls them to jail, holds them for a few hours, then quietly turns them loose, in the dead of night, into the quiet residential neighborhoods of Eureka. That’s why father what’s his name got killed.”

Father Eric Freed.  Eureka Priest murdered in the early morning of New Year's Day

Father Eric Freed. Eureka Priest murdered in the early morning of New Year’s Day

Oh, and by the way,” an honest Arkley might add, “That’s also why we have so many homeless people in Humboldt County. Since most of the residential housing in Humboldt County has been converted into, much more lucrative, commercial marijuana farms,

indoor pot farm

…the remaining, non-drug-dealing populace, has been put out in the cold,


…and I’m damn sick and tired of seeing them there. I think we should put out poison.”


Unfortunately, Rob Arkley Jr is not an honest man, and he did not say that.

arkley dishonest

Nonetheless, that is the truth about Humboldt County.


Duck Dynasty; a Civil Rights Victory?

Duck Dynasty; a Civil Rights Victory?

don't watch duck dynasty

Judging from what I’ve read in recent news stories, the things my mother tells me about Duck Dynasty are true. I’ve never seen the show myself, but my mother says: “Duck Dynasty is awful! That show makes me sick to my stomach! The men in that show are disgusting. They’re stupid, bigoted, racist, sexist jerks. Whenever I see their ugly faces they make me so angry! And you know what bothers me most about Duck Dynasty? All of the guys on that show look JUST LIKE YOU!!!”

duckdynasty n me

Now if my mom had said, “Hey John, have you heard of this band: Whitesnake? I heard something by them the other day and thought they might be a band you would like.” I would have dismissed her opinion completely. However, for as little as she knows about my taste in popular music, the woman knows her TV, and she knows obnoxious behavior when she sees it, so I believe that what she says about Duck Dynasty is true, but a couple of things puzzle me about the whole Duck Dynasty phenomena.

duck dynasty dont ask me

First: How is it possible that people who look like me have a show on commercial television? Call me old-fashioned, but I remember TV as remarkably well lit place, inhabited entirely by attractive people. I thought that was the reason people watched TV. That is, to fill their ugly lives with images of attractive people. Apparently those days are long gone.

duck dynasty ugly beard

Second: Why do the Duck Dynasty guys want to look like me? Did my didgeridoo playing inspire them to make duck calls? Has this blog influenced them in any way, or do they just like the way I look? I suppose it is possible that the Duck Dynasty guys arrived at this look independently, the same way I did, through extreme, long term neglect of personal hygiene, but still, why would people who want to be on TV make that kind of investment in slovenliness? Did they think it would help their careers? It sure hasn’t helped mine.

Duck_Dynasty_late and dirty

Maybe success requires more than simple ugliness. Perhaps success demands stupidity. If that were the case, I’d expect more people to enjoy the fruits of success. I’ve seen lots of stupid, ugly people, and until now, I’ve never seen any of their faces on a beer cozy before, and I doubt many of them have their own TV show, but most of them watch a lot of TV.


I guess Hollywood has gotten the message that stupid ugly people want to see more people like themselves on TV. Maybe the bigwig TV moguls have felt the pressure from the “Ugly Liberation” and “Stupid Pride” movements. I guess you could see Duck Dynasty as a sort of perverse civil rights achievement, the way women everywhere knew that they had gained stature in society when tobacco companies began marketing to them, or the way gay people felt the first time they saw an Ikea commercial targeting them as suckers for their cheap flat-packaged furniture.


Now that I think about it, I can’t think of a better way to tap the vast reserves, and growing stockpiles of otherwise useless ugliness and stupidity, than with a show like Duck Dynasty. Stupidity and ugliness are clearly Americas most abundant renewable resource. In recent years stupidity and ugliness have spread like kudzu, choking out beauty and smothering intelligence and creativity everywhere. It’s about time someone found some use for it and cut it back a bit.


I wouldn’t count on Duck Dynasty for reducing the amount of stupidity and ugliness in America. No, Duck Dynasty celebrates the ugly and stupid. It encourages stupid ugly people to come out of the closet, and it tells young people that it’s OK to be stupid and ugly. Duck Dynasty helps people get in touch with their inner ugliness and stupidity, and encourages them to explore their stupid and ugly tendencies.

dukkk dynasty

Even if we forget the show altogether, that Duck Dynasty swag I see (everywhere I look) promotes the ugly stupid agenda all on its own.


Face it. If you are stupid enough to buy a Duck Dynasty T-shirt, you are stupid enough. If you weren’t ugly enough before you bought the shirt, you certainly will be, once you put it on.

duck-dynasty-hey-si-head tshirt

Further, Duck Dynasty helps make society more tolerant of stupid, ugly people, and before long, thanks to Duck Dynasty, we will all accept stupid and ugly as normal. I mean, stupid and ugly are already pretty normal.  However, Duck Dynasty celebrates a special kind of stupid and ugly, that real ugly kind of stupid, and that real stupid kind of ugly that they try to weed out in public schools, but that still flourishes in places like Texas, Mississippi, and Alabama, and in smaller pockets all over this country.

duck dynasty camo

Duck Dynasty makes that kind of stupid ugliness seem normal, healthy, fun, and entertaining, and provides stupid and ugly role models for millions of young Americans to learn from. Isn’t that the kind of civil rights victory we need right now?


The 12 Days of Christmas

The 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the second day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the third day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

three French maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

eight filkers filking,

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking,

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

eleven diapers wiping,

11 diapers wiping

…ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my blogger shared with me,

twelve plumbers plumbing,

12 plumbers plumbing

…eleven diapers wiping,

11 diapers wiping

…ten Fords a leaping,

10 fords a leaping

…nine women twerking,

9 women trerking

…eight filkers filking.

8 filkers filking

…seven Swanson’s dinners,

7 swansons dinners

…six Lisas playing,

6 lisa playing

…five folded things,

5 folded things1

…four angry birds,

4 angry-birds

…three French Maids,

3 french maids

…two Turtles songs,

…and a Partridge Family episode for free.

Merry Christmas!

Now…. What did you get me?

The Giving Season

The Giving Season

giving season

As 2013 winds to a close, once again we find ourselves in “The Giving Season”. The time of year when we take a moment to show our appreciation for the people who matter to us, and to the folks who serve us faithfully all year long.


Of course, a lot of the people who serve you faithfully all year long, like your postman, barista or auto-mechanic, your kids school teacher and bus driver, your hooker, drug dealer and bartender, or if you live around here, your crew of trimmers, those people all get paid for their work. Believe me, those people wouldn’t lift a finger for you, if it weren’t for the fat paychecks they take home week after week. So, fuck them! Don’t waste your generosity on those douche nozzles.

douche nozzle

Instead, this year, give generously to the people who really deserve it. Give to the people who work hard for you all year, every week, rain or shine, and ask for nothing in return for their tireless efforts and diligence. People who make it their priority to provide you with interesting, amusing, and mildly arousing entertainment every week, free of charge, and without compensation, acting purely from the goodness of their hearts, for the benefit of all of humanity. In other words, people like me, your humble blogger at Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do.

lygsbtd frace t-shirt

I honestly cannot think of anyone who deserves your generous financial gift more than I do, and if you take the time to think about it carefully, I think you’ll agree. Don’t make the stupid mistakes that trap so many gullible saps into supporting greedy, undeserving scam artists, while good, hard-working people like me persevere through the cold, dark winter months without so much as a “thank-you” from the faceless masses who show up here to consume my work anonymously, leaving nothing of themselves but the statistics that record their activity.


Lots of people give money to help the poor around the holidays, and I can hardly think of a dumber waste of money. Look, I don’t have any money. I’m poor, but you don’t see me standing on the side of the road looking pathetic, flying a cardboard sign, and playing on your sympathies. I don’t do that because I don’t play people for saps.


The poor are just a bottomless pit. That’s why they call it “pity”. Don’t throw your money into it. The poor aren’t poor because they don’t have enough money; the poor are poor because the rich have no use for them, and the middle-class would rather kiss rich ass than stand shoulder to shoulder with the poor against the 1%. I spit in the eye of the rich and the middle-class, and call them on their bullshit, while the poor who stand around begging, just play the rich and middle-class for suckers, and exploit them for their pity without challenging the status quo.


Some people prefer to give money to organizations that help the poor, rather than giving to poor people individually, but these organizations play you for rubes too. The Salvation Army hires thousands of “bell-ringers” every holiday season just to suck up all of the money that would otherwise go directly into the pockets of poor people. That is, if business owners didn’t harass, kick and call the cops on every legitimately poor person who comes within 30 ft of their business. Merchants love these “bell-ringers” almost as much as they despise and detest real poor people.


The money that you drop into the Salvation Army kettle goes to pay a literal army of salaried administrators, who enjoy comfy heated offices, medical benefits, and paid vacation time. They spend their days deciding which projects to fund that will make them look good in the public’s eye, while they dream up new ways to capitalize on the pity of the stupid. What is more obnoxious, a paid asshole who never stops ringing that goddamned bell, or a homeless beggar with a nice quiet sign? Take my advice, ignore them both, and give to me, the one you neither see nor hear.


Some people like to give money to environmental organizations. These groups suck worse than organizations that help the poor. I don’t care whether it’s Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, World Wildlife Federation, Natural Resources Defense Council, PETA, or any of the fucking PIRGs, they’re all full of the same bullshit. They’re all just a bunch of spoiled brat white kids who would rather take pictures of dead whales, tortured lab animals, or disgusting landfills full of toxic waste than get a job killing whales, torturing lab animals or making massive amounts of pointless consumer garbage.


Every year we have more environmental organizations, and every year the environmental crisis grows more dire. Stop throwing good money after bad, and cut those suckers off.

cutoff 5

The same goes for social justice organizations like the ACLU, Doctors Without Borders, or the Southern Poverty Law Center.  Doctors and lawyers are the blood-sucking scum floating at the top of the cesspool we call modern society. If doctors and lawyers think they can do something about the injustice and inequality in the world, they should do it with the vast sums of money we already overpay them for creating that injustice and inequality in the first place. Don’t give those greedy bastards one more dime than you absolutely have to.


Finally, too many people donate money every year to support public media like PBS, NPR and Community Radio. For God’s sake don’t get fleeced by these shysters. So what if you let Big Bird babysit your kids or like to watch taxpayer funded programming from some socialist country that forces people to pay for it. That’s no reason to open your wallet for them.

big bird begging

Whenever a publicly funded media outlet asks for money, they always like to remind us how much better they are than Fox News. So what! That’s like gonorrhea asking for money because it’s better than AIDS. Look, we’re all media here. Media ain’t gonna save the fucking world folks. I’m not saying that public media is as bad as a case of “the clap”, but there’s a good argument to be made that we’d all be better off without any of it. There’s some news you’ll never here on public media. Here’s some more: Public media is one of the most overfed pigs at the public trough.


They all tell you that it’s non-commercial programming, but that doesn’t stop them from interrupting every fifteen minutes to tell you that the show was paid for by “Saps like you, and generous contributions from Archer Daniels Midland, Cramming Our Food Down Your Throat 247365, Warehouser, Clear-cutting Old-Growth Forests So We Can Plant More Trees, or Massey Energy, We Mine Coal… Fuck You.


Yes, all of those public media outlets enjoy taxpayer subsidies, and suck-up to every evil corporation on the planet for the billions of dollars they give, just for the phony respectability that public media gives them. That’s why you never hear anything like the biting social criticism you read here at lygsbtd, on public media. Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do challenges the right, the left, and everyone in the middle. You won’t get that on PBS, NPR, or even community radio.


All of those public media outlets know where their money comes from, and they’re not about to rock the boat. I don’t know where my money comes from, because I don’t have any. and I’m all about rocking the boat, because the boat is sinking! Public media still wants you to believe in the system, because they are part of the system. They don’t care what the system does to you or your kids future, you’re already shark bait to them, and they’re the shark.

shark bait 1

For them, it’s a feeding frenzy, and they’re never satisfied. They always want more. It’s time to cut them off, and put your money behind the real independent voice of Southern Humboldt County, me, and this blog Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do. Your kids will never forgive you if you don’t.

never forgive

I don’t take money from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, because I can’t deal with the paperwork involved. I don’t take money from corporations. I mean, I would, if any of them offered me any, but so far they haven’t. Any corporations looking for favorable coverage from a hot, edgy new-media outlet, I’m listening, but until we make a deal, you are fair game.


Until now, I have not received even one-cent, from anyone, for producing this blog. Yet, every week, I give you more. I give you more humor, more pictures, more social commentary, more science, more economics, more big words, more of myself than I give to my beloved partner Amy, who’s feeling a little unappreciated right now. So how about it folks? I could sure use some help right about now. My truck broke down last week and it’s going to cost more than a grand to fix it.

truck broke down

If you enjoy reading this blog, and if you’ve gotten this far, you must, click that donate now button. Give a hundred bucks to keep me, lygsbtd, my truck, and my mechanic, going strong in 2014.


Can’t afford a whole Benjamin? I understand that times are tough. How about a dollar week? $52, that’s just one dollar per post for all of 2014. It would really mean a lot to me.

In fact, as a thank-you gift, for any contribution of $25 or more, I will send you this lovely Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do coffee mug.

lygsbtd mug

This is a really nice mug. It holds 16oz of your favorite beverage. It has the Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do logo on the side. It’s a good quality ceramic mug, and I’m happy to send it to you for $25. Of course, the real prize is this blog: Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do, and your donation will keep it coming to you all year in 2014.  thanks for your generous support!

Celebrating Holimins

Celebrating Holimins

celebrate holi2

Well the Holiday Season has finally arrived, the time of year that we set aside a few days to spend with our family, just to remind us that there really are a few things worse than work. We all recognize the importance of holidays, and why we need so many of them at this time of year, when the weather turns cold, and the nights are long. We take our holidays when we do, because that’s when we most need a break from our daily grind.


By the middle of November, most of us are on the verge of going postal. Then, just as we are about to snap, the four-day Thanksgiving Weekend rolls around. After four days of turkey, beer, and televised football induced oblivion, we can drag ourselves back to work with something like a smile on our face, knowing that there’s just four more weeks till Christmas, and then the whole fucking year is over in a week-long orgy of food, gifts and alcohol abuse. That’s why we have holidays.

Orgy Diego Rivera

Without the holidays, we’d never get through the year without killing somebody. Whether it’s our bosses, coworkers, elected officials, the general public, our family or ourselves, we all have our lists, and every year the holidays come along just in time to to save their lives, and help us get through the rest of the year without incurring a lengthy prison sentence. But what about the struggle just to get through each day?

daily Grind

If you’re like me, you know how difficult it can be to get through a whole day, let alone year, without strangling somebody or curling up into a fetal position, sobbing and screaming “Why… Why… Why…” until you are too hoarse to speak. I know that life is hard, and every day is a struggle. Everyone deserves a break from the stresses of the day now and then. That’s why I invented:

(cue dramatic sound effect, Ka-Bam)


The Holimin

(cue angelic choir ahhh- ahhh- ahhh).

angelic choir

The holimin is a kind of micro-holiday. Holimins break up the day with little one-minute-long celebrations that let us set aside the burdens of our daily grind for a moment of merriment. My partner and I, being the cultural creatives we are, have been celebrating holimins for more than five years already, and in that time they have become a cherished tradition for us. We now celebrate many holimins throughout our day, and we have developed customs and rituals around each of them.


Some holimins are more festive, some more spiritual, while some simply remind us of who we are and what time it is. You might celebrate some of these holimins yourself, and not realize it. For instance, lots of people around here, and cannabis enthusiasts all over the country for that matter, celebrate the holimin that falls on 4:20.


If you’ve ever sparked up a joint or fired up a bong load precisely, and intentionally at twenty minutes after four, you’ve celebrated the 4:20 holimin. I very much enjoy this holimin, even though I smoke pot all day long, I take special pleasure in it when I do it at exactly 4:20. Around here, parties often start at 4:20. Informal groups often gather to partake in cannabis smoking at 4:20, and some employers even schedule breaks at 4:20 to allow their employees to enjoy a smoke at that time.

bong chick

All over the country, people set aside what they are doing at 4:20, pick up a joint or a bong or a pipe, add fire and inhale. This simple act changes their whole perspective on the day, and makes them feel better, and forget about whatever it is they were doing at 4:19. Yes, 4:20 provides an excellent example of the power of holimins, but you don’t have to wait until late afternoon (or very early morning) to celebrate a holimin, nor is it necessary to indulge in psychoactive drugs to enjoy them (although it helps).


Any minute of any day can be a holimin if it is significant to you, and you take the time to celebrate it. Of course, it always helps to have someone to celebrate a holimin with, but it’s not completely necessary. Like holidays, holimins tend to lose their meaning, and become depressing, if you try to celebrate them alone, but also like holidays, holimins can bring you closer together and strengthen the bonds between people who celebrate them together. On the other hand, I have discovered that too many holimins, or holimins celebrated at inappropriate times, like during sex for example, can have a negative effect on a relationship, so strive for a good balance in your holimin celebrations.

interrupting sex

It doesn’t cost a lot, or take a lot of time or energy to celebrate a holimin. In fact, you should always keep holimin celebrations to less than one minute, this precludes shopping for gifts, costumes, decorations, or even food preparation, which tends to bog down holidays and make them expensive. Holimins, by contrast, require only a simple gesture, a chant, a short song, a little dance or an embrace, just a little something you can do in less than 60 seconds, without prior preparation, to acknowledge the special moment.

life is a special occasion

For us, holimins began with a minute that acquired significance with the advent of digital timepieces. Perhaps you celebrate this one too, 11:11. AM or PM, 11:11 is the only time of day when clocks show us four ones in a row. In the world of digital time, 11:11 has an elegance only matched by 12:00 or 6:30 on clocks with dials and hands. There is a certain Zen about looking at a digital clock at 11:11, a time when all things are equal, and all is one.

Art Nude Model Covered With Vines

Now, excuse me while I go celebrate 4:20.

smoking three joints

Ok, now what was I talking about, oh yeah, 11:11


To celebrate 11:11, we have developed this little tradition: Whichever one of us looks at the clock at 11:11, will pick up the clock and show it to the other one of us. We then turn and look at each other with the expression usually only seen on small children as they gaze at a decorated tree piled high with presents on Christmas morning. We hold our hands up, fists clenched, save for the index finger on each hand, which we hold straight, and pointed skyward. Using our raised forefingers, we then recreate the digital display in flesh and bone, with real digits, while we chant, in unison, “Eleven! Eleven!” as though we were shouting “Happy New Year!”, and then we kiss.

new-years kiss

We found the whole celebration tremendously fun, and it only took a few seconds. It made us smile. It made us laugh, and more than once it evolved into late morning, or late night nookie, but it didn’t happen every day. That is, most of the time 11:11 would just slip by unnoticed, and we wouldn’t celebrate it. So, we decided we needed some more holimins.


10:10 seemed like a natural, it’s got a kind of balance about it. It’s binary, which seemed cool. So, building on the success of 11:11, we developed a holimin tradition for 10:10 similar to our 11:11celebration, but instead of holding up only one finger on each hand, we hold up all ten fingers. Then, we give each other two-handed high-fives, chant “Ten! Ten!”, and kiss.


10:10 became a hit as well. Before long we started celebrating 12:12, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 and 5:55, and developed holimin traditions for each of them. As we added more holimins, we started looking for different things we could do to celebrate them. 3:33, took on special meaning for us, because it is half of 666, the number of “The Beast”. We call 3:33 the Half-Beast Holimin, and it became the first holimin with a special holimin song, at it goes like this:


(sung to the tune of Wild Thing)


You left my raft beached

You make Menonite movies

You’re my Half-Beast

half beast

Be sure to go “ner, ner, ner”, or if you are cat lovers like us, go “meow, meow, meow” to cover the guitar chords between words, and do it all with enthusism, and maybe even air-guitar hand gestures. Our Half-Beast celebration quickly became a favorite, and we even celebrated it in public a few times; once, I recall, very quietly, in the library, and another time at The Meadows Cafe in Redway, but we still wanted more.


We added 12:34, then 1:23, 2:34, 3:45 and 4:56, as well as 6:54, 5:43, 4:32, and 3:21, which, of course, involved chanting: “Three!… Two!… One!… Blastoff!”. We developed holimin traditions for all of them. I won’t bore you with the details, but they’re all silly, and fun, just like regular holidays. To top it off, we added 10:01 and 12:21, and dubbed them the palindrome holimins. Looking at the clock became more fun than playing a slot machine. Any time of day, there was a pretty good chance that the clock would “pay-off”, with a holimin.

jackpot 1

The palindrome holimins proved to be the “straw that broke the camels back”. Over time, all of those holimins became burdensome, and stressful on our relationship. Besides that, it became hard to get anything done unless we hid the clock. Eventually, for the sake of our relationship we said “Never again” to holimins, and ceased celebrating them all together, but it wasn’t long before we started missing them.

missing someone

Today, we still have our holimin traditions for all 20 holimins, buy we’ve learned to only celebrate them if they feel appropriate to us at the moment, and we seem to have arrived at a happy balance of holimins in our lives. I hope you will try out holimins for yourself. Experiment with them, see what works for you, and develop your own rich holimin traditions. Happy Holimins!

celebrating holimins

300th Post at Like You’ve Got Something Better To Do

300th post at LYGSBTD

300 club

Today I’m proud to present to you the 300th post at Like You’ve Got Something Better to Do.  Can you believe it?  300 posts and still going strong.  In addition to 300 occasionally humorous essays, you’ll also find over 3,000 pictures, silly pictures, sexy pictures, stolen pictures.  Every week, in addition  to the many hours that it takes me to compose these essays, I spend at least 4hours poring over pictures to illustrate each post.

300x205xGandalf-Studying-300x205-1.png.pagespeed.ic.oV69qGzkK4From time to time, in my quest for the perfect picture for a given paragraph, I come across a picture that that doesn’t quite suit the post, but is just too good to pass up.  At the end of each year, I burn all of the pictures I have collected for the blog onto a couple of cds, and then never look at them again.  So, for today’s 300th post, I thought I’d share some of those pictures I liked well enough to save, but weren’t quite relevant enough to fit into another post.  Let’s get to it:

ninjas and piratesThis sign only makes me want to get inside more.  I hope it does the same for you.

Femen_photoI don’t know what these women are protesting, but I support them 100%, which leads to…

eyes on their breastsWomen with eyes on their breasts.  This would make talking to women so much easier.

residents groupiesOr maybe, if women’s eyes were bigger than their breasts, even if they only had one, it would be easier to look them in the eye.  These women are obviously Residents fans.  If you’ve never heard of the Residents, you should check them out.

While you’re watching the Residents, you might wish you had some LSD.  I know I do.

Blotter_LSD_Dumbo-tonguebut be careful with that stuff…

lsdand while you are soaring through outer space, you might appreciate a companion…

301969_255945184448476_1627384718_nclearly alcohol was involved, but what a great Halloween costume.  Speaking of costumes…

chicken costumena na na na na na na na na… Cockman!  Who could have imagined that a bat would be more popular..

Bats babyOk, I guess bats are pretty damn cute, but you know what is even cuter than baby bats…

smallest catThe world’s smallest cat.  Not a kitten, this cat is a year-and-a-half old in this photo.  You know who is not going to make it to one-and-a-half years old…

shoot the babyThis baby.  To explain this photo, I offer the following graph…

Stupid-Evil-Crazy21That explains a lot, doesn’t it.  but not this…

rocket bullManned space flight is always a bad idea, because of all the global warming gasses that it generates, but trying it indoors was an especially bad idea.   They should have read the sign…

fart control signanother sign of the times…

fastenersbecause in this modern era, everything is falling apart which makes us nostalgic for the old days, when products were made with quality, style and durability in mind.  like these…

furry keyholeGenuine mink…  and only $1, what a bargain.  What a great way to show off your great taste.  Of course, you’ll need a suit…


Yes, Dorcus made great suits for men.  I can’t imagine why they are not still in business, with innovative products like this.

dorcus sweatWow… What a Dorcus!  For more Dorcus fashions, I recommend:

Speaking of fashion…

crab headImagine this woman’s surprise.  you might expect to be bitten by a crab, on the toe, while walking barefoot on the beach, but when they attack from above, in urban environments, we’re all in big trouble.  Speaking of trouble…

thankskillingIt’s revenge time, and we’ll never know what hit us because…

zombie apocalypseIt’s a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! or you’ll end up like this…

Bone chandelierThis chandelier is made entirely from human bones.  It’s part of the bone cathedral in the Czech Republic.  Here’s a video:

I think it’s beautiful, and find it inspiring.  Sometimes I think I’d like to make something nice like this out of my community.  But The Chech Republic doesn’t have a monopoly on morbid…

usasurpasses3_4We’re Number One!  We’re Number One!  We’re Number One!  And speaking of religion…

christianityBecause without Christians, we’d never have…

figs in hellYes, we have issues with food in this country.  Only in the USA would you see this…

fat guy eatingI think this photo sums up American culture perfectly.  I don’t know what the hell is going on, and I don’t want to.  Speaking of inscrutable…

Pee-for-victoryBut who could pass up the free chlamydia test kit.  So here’s your opportunity to participate…

restroomsI think that’s the most graphic restroom graphic I’ve ever seen.  I’m guessing the artist has never watched a woman pee outside before.  Finally, as an artist, I leave you with a quote, that explains this post.

great artists steal







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