Bin Laden’s Porn

Bin Laden’s Porn

 

I heard today that, since it’s now been one year since the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abatabad, the Federal Government plans to release to the public, many of the documents seized in the raid in which Bin Laden was killed. I’m sure some people wonder what we could learn about the Al Quaida terrorist network, and how much of a threat they pose to our national security, but not me. I have only one question about the documents seized by Seal Team 6 one year ago: What kind of porn was Osama into?

 

You can tell a lot about a guy by his porn collection. Is he into au-natural Swedish women in outdoor settings, or does he like raunchy Hustlereque genital closeups? Does he like Ukrainian women in leather and latex, or does he like to see Japanese women tied in knots? Do you think Osama leered at American porn? Do you think he was looking at tanned buxom American blondes stretched out on SoCal beaches, or a severe-looking Manhattan dominatrix in stiletto heels? Maybe he’s into “Sploshing”, a kind of British porn involving messy food. We need to know.

 

Is there any Arab porn? I suppose there must be, but I’ve never seen it. What is that like? One thing I remember about the protest marches in SF before the Iraq invasion, is that there sure are a lot of hot Arab women. I’m sure some of them could be persuaded to pose nude, maybe on a nice rug with big smiles and come hither eyes, or with a ball gag and dildo. I don’t know, I am just speculating here.

 

Do you think women pose with guns in Arab porn? I’ll bet that’s a popular theme. I’m sure it would be more popular here in the US, but some Americans are just not that comfortable with firearms. We’d rather watch women rub up against cars, or trucks or motorcycles, or backhoes or mufflers or even garden fertilizer, as I saw depicted recently. I wonder if arms dealers in Kabul send out promotional calendars featuring olive skinned beauties posing with Kalashnikov rifles and RPGs. Just wondering….

 

I really think it would help bridge the cultural gap between the Muslim and the Christian worlds, if they made Osama’s porn public. It would remind us all just how much we all have in common. We both embrace sexually repressed, dysfunctional fundamentalist beliefs. If we also both embrace the commercial exploitation of depersonalized, dehumanized and commodified sexual imagery, that is a lot to have in common. You’d think we’d get along better.

 

In fact, they should have a huge art show. Osama’a collection won’t be enough on its own, but by now, millions of pornographic images have been seized from defrocked Catholic priests. I’m sure that would make some show all on its own, but they should collect porn from priests, rabbis, mullahs, sheiks, lamas, yogis, zen masters, and any other free agent holy men they can find. Call the show “The Porn of the Pious”.

 

Curate the collection in a way that preserves the diversity and breadth of clerical pornography, and presents a selection that could be viewed comfortably in an afternoon. Well, “comfortably” might be too much to ask, but at least they could frame it, light it well, have a reception, serve Chablis and Brie, and let people decide for themselves. Doncha think?

 

I’d go. That collection would represent the most private thoughts, and deepest desires of some of the most trusted and influential men on the planet. How could anyone deny the cultural significance of such a show? Can you even imagine a more culturally relevant art show?

 

When I said “men” there, I don’t mean to imply sexism. If, and I have never heard of such a thing, but if, some woman has managed to achieve a clerical position in one of the few religions that don’t discriminate against women, and been arrested with a heap of pornography, I want to see her collection too.

 

I can imagine that some former porn star, who found Jesus and then went on to become a preacher might want to hold on to some mementos of her former life, but I’m just fantasizing here. I know some women do enjoy and collect pornography, but not many, and not many of them also harbor clerical aspirations. While I fear that women will be under-represented, in terms of their clerical porn collections, I expect that they will be well represented, in terms of the subject matter therein, at least I hope so.

 

This show just might turn out to be a bit more disturbing than that, but I won’t speculate. I just think we should all see it. We should all see what the people who tell us to “look to God” all over the world, really like to look at. I think we’d find it enlightening, perhaps even instructive.

A Candidate Sends Me a Sponge

A Candidate Sends Me A Sponge

 

With so many candidates in the field for the new CA 2^nd Congressional District, a person could waste a lot of time gathering enough information to make an informed choice in the matter. Of course, if we had any sense, we’d do away with congress altogether. The problem with the single most destructive force on planet Earth is not that it needs better leadership. No, to stop the single most destructive force on planet Earth, people have to stop believing in congress.

 

In my book, running for congress speaks poorly of your character as a person. If you expect me to believe that you can change the violent, oppressive and destructive nature of the US empire by working within this corrupt, dysfunctional and wrongheaded system, you are too stupid, crazy, and/or dishonest, for me to want anything more to do with you. These candidates all deserve a punch in the nose, more than they do my vote. They want us to believe in Santa Claus, and then they want us to believe that they are Santa Claus.

 

In this regard, Jared Huffman might be on the right track. He sent me a sponge, something I could actually use. Unfortunately, I don’t care much for sponges. I don’t use them much, for one thing, and they also hold some negative connotations for me. Sponges suck. That’s what they do. That’s why you call someone who drinks up all of your beer, or eats all of your food, or smokes all of your pot, a “sponge”. I expect that Jared Huffman is eager to sponge up my tax dollars. Thanks to this generous gift, I will always think of him that way.

 

I recently referred to our two 2^nd District Supervisor candidates as slimy dish sponges, Jared wants me to know that he’s one too. Hey, at least he sent me something I could use. That puts him well ahead of the rest of the pack. What have they done to buy my vote? Nothing, so far. What do these other candidates have to do to to make me favor them over Huffman? Simple, they just have to give me something I like better than a stupid sponge.

 

Maybe a nice pen, for instance. As a writer I appreciate pens, especially nice ones. Our local credit union, back in more profitable times, used to give away nice retractable soft-grip pens. They had sturdy metal clips that that didn’t snap off, a nice fat tapered barrel and a layer of translucent gel to get a grip on. They seemed a little spendy, but I liked them, and those pens made me like the credit union much more. I miss those pens.

 

These days, the credit union gets these cheapo pens with straight barrels in hideous colors and cheap plastic clips that snap off at the slightest tug, and the worst thing about them is that they don’t write for shit!!! They fake you out by writing a word or two, then nothing. You scribble away for a second, and just when you are about to give up, they start writing again. So you write another couple of words, and they stop again. This gets old, fast, even for a free pen. These new credit union pens are so frustrating that I finally rounded them all up and threw them all away. Now I resent the credit union for wasting money on cheap, useless, swag pens.

 

So, candidates, if you are going to send me a pen, make it a nice one, one that still works come election day. That would make me happy. I also have a nice little tape measure that was once a promotional item. Its only one and one-quarter inch square and three-eighths inch deep, (yes, I used it to measure itself) and holds seven feet of tape. Its so small that its easy to carry in my pocket. I don’t leave home without it. It’s at least thirty years old and has seen so much use that all the paint has worn off of the first two inches. If a politician had given it to me, he’d still be in office.

 

Do you remember “Bat Day” at the ballpark? Everyone who came to the ballgame that day got a, not quite regulation size, baseball bat. Even though these bats lacked sufficient mass to hit home-runs, they were perfect for cracking skulls and made effective murder weapons. I’ve seen lots of baseball themed political signs this election season, a bat giveaway might score a grand-slam for some politician soon.

 

Better yet, ask your doctor. Ask you doctor what was the sweetest swag he’s gotten from drug makers this year. The pharmaceutical industry always busts out the best swag. They give out pens that work, with four colors of ink, and a built in highlighter, flashlight and laser pointer. I’ve seen doctors offices decorated entirely in “Cialis”. So, you politicians who can actually afford to see a doctor, ask them what kinds of bribes work best, and then make with the goodies.

 

Wouldn’t it be great if politicians stopped wasting their money on junk mail, TV attack ads and hideous billboards that pollute the countryside, and stopped wasting our time with weaselly, misleading, and unrealistic campaign rhetoric, and instead just sent us all something nice. I wouldn’t mind seeing them raise so much campaign cash if I knew that’s how they would spend it.

 

I really think you could tell more about the candidate from the swag they send you, as you can from the onslaught of advertizing we endure each election cycle. Think of the possibilities: A ball cap sends a very different message than a T-shirt. A corkscrew speaks to a different constituency than a bottle opener, and a flashlight does not mean the same thing as a lighter. Each candidate would only send you a card and a gift, that’s all! If they can’t get their message across in that format they’ve got no business running for office.

 

No more stupid TV ads, no more bins overflowing with junk mail, no more ugly campaign signs, instead, elections will be like Christmas. In fact, we should have elections at Christmas time, and let the politicians do all of our Christmas shopping for us. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be great to actually get something nice from democracy for a change? But really, Jared, the sponge doesn’t cut it.

This Month on The SHARC Report, Zach Adams of CMKT4

The SHARC Report Talks Circuit Bending With Zach Adams of CMKT4 on KMUD

On Thursday, May 3 at 5pm on KMUD, The SHARC Report will present an interview with Zach Adams of the Dekalb, Ill based circuit bending band, CMKT4. In the interview, Adams talks about circuit bending, the DIY electronics workshops they teach, and his band’s upcoming West Coast tour, which will bring them to the Garberville Veterans Hall on Monday May 21^st, and to the Ink People’s Annex in Arcata on Tuesday May 22.

 

Circuit bending, or hardware hacking, involves rewiring electronic circuits to exploit their untapped potential. CMKT4 uses a number of circuit-bent instruments in their music, ranging from rewired sound modules from talking stuffed animals, to educational electronic toys, to modified synthesizers and fuzz boxes, to make their music.

Besides playing circuit-bent music, the band makes and markets electronic kits for circuit-benders and musicians who want to build their own equipment. They also host workshops to teach the skills and inspire the imagination to do it. CMKT4 will lead hands-on circuit bending and electronic kit building workshops at both the upcoming Garberville and Arcata events. The Southern Humboldt Amateur Radio Club, or SHARC presents this radio interview, and upcoming Garberville CMKT4 event to encourage people to have fun with electronics, safely.

 

SHARC offers a Technician-Class Ham license prep course that covers basic electronics, and Hams are a great resource for anyone who likes to play with soldering pencils and circuit boards. Call Jack Foster at 923 3700 for more info about the Technician-Class license prep class or about the upcoming CMKT4 event.