Monthly Archives: February 2012

A Tumor of Boomers in SoHum

A Tumor of Boomers in SoHum

 

Here in SoHum, we endure a plague of Baby Boomers. I’ve seen plenty of evidence that Baby Boomers are a blight everywhere in this country, but here in SoHum, with an ample blood supply from the illegal marijuana industry, they form a hard malignant tumor that threatens to choke the very life out of this small community.

While baby Boomers never tire of singing their own praises, as far as I can see, the one great achievement that Baby Boomers can take credit for, is that they turned out so spectacularly lame that they made their repressed, racist, homophobic parents look like “The Greatest Generation” by comparison.

The Baby boomers inherited a country divided by race, and turned it into a country divided by income, They inherited one pointless, unwinable foreign war and gave us two pointless, unwinable foreign wars. They inherited smog and litter, and left us e-waste, acid rain and global climate change. They inherited DDT, and left us GMOs. They inherited good jobs and cheap homes, and they left us good drugs and cheap electronics. Believe it or not, they expect us to thank them for this.

Not only do they expect to keep us as slaves, either as underpaid employees, overcharged tenants or both, they expect us to be grateful to them. For what? …making affordable housing, health care and job security a thing of the past? … trading freedom, human dignity and civil rights for the invisible free hand of the market? … living the most consumptive lifestyle in the history of humanity, in full knowledge of the fact that they were leaving a decimated and polluted planet to future generations? Yeah, thanks a lot for that.

Where previous generations put God, country and family ahead of themselves, the Boomers said “Me first! Me last, and nothing but me in the middle!” Even as our global ecosystem, economy and federal government all pass the point of no return towards inevitable collapse, they continue to congratulate themselves for nothing more their own unseemly, unwarranted, and unsustainable affluence.

Even with the world falling apart all around them, they think they did it all, said it all, and have it all figured out. Every day another one publishes a book allegedly containing the solution to everyone’s problem. With very few exceptions, all of these books reek of same stale, moldy ideas that have festered in the musty, cluttered, and rarely visited attic-like minds of most Baby Boomers, since 1978.

Most Baby Boomers haven’t had an original idea in 30 years, but that doesn’t stop them from offering unsolicited advice, passing judgment about things they know nothing about, or telling us that they know what’s best for us. Like it wasn’t enough to wreck the economy, bankrupt the country, and destroy the environment while traumatizing their own kids, they won’t be satisfied unless they can sabotage everyone’s future too.

And, there’s millions of them. As far as I can see, the biggest threat to life on this planet is not global climate change or international terrorist organizations, the biggest threat to life on planet Earth is the unchecked idiocy of Baby Boomers. We’re up against, gigantic swarms of graying, mindless, soul-sucking Boomer-zombies, bent on destroying the Earth, and keeping the rest of us as slaves. It’s an epic cultural battle we cannot afford to lose.

They expect us to pay for a system that they’ve already sucked all of the benefits out of. They expect us to pay for the damage they, and their parents did to the earth. They expect us to pay the debt they’ve incurred for living beyond their means for their entire lives, and cover the cost of their comfortable retirement. They have no clue how (or why) we should accomplish this, but, they expect nothing less from us.

The Boomers’ entire lives have been defined by unrealistic expectations. Why should things be any different now? They haven’t learned anything except how to top their parents in resource consumption and reality denial, but they won’t let that stop them from lecturing us. Really, if the Boomers in SoHum don’t have the common decency to apologize for their boundless stupidity, they could, at least, have enough sense to STFU.


Coco Loves William Shatner

Koko Loves William Shatner

 

William Shatner sometimes comes off as arrogant, full of himself, and as kind of a jerk. Not here! Here we see William Shatner share a tender moment with Koko the Gorilla. Koko likes Shatner very much, and Shatner really turns on the charm for her.

 

Koko, a female mountain gorilla, born in captivity, raised by humans and taught sign language, possesses a gentle, loving and compassionate personality, a keen intellect and a remarkable vocabulary. Koko is also a huge, and enormously powerful gorilla.

 

Shatner gets high marks in my book for getting up-close and personal with this adoring fan. Now lets give them some privacy.

 

If you have never spent time with Coco yourself, you can find numerous videos of her on Youtube, that I’m sure you will find fascinating.


Celebrity Word Power, Micturatious

Celebrity Word Power

Building Your Vocabulary One Famous Person At A Time

Micturatious!

 

Today’s Celebrity Word Power word, comes to us from Newt Gingrich, who included it in a comment he posted to this blog, a few weeks ago.

Micturatious (‘mick tyou ray shus) adj. With this one word, the Newt described the ad for my terrific new all natural biotech herbicide, and provided us a very rare specimen of a word. By taking the archaic, clinical verb, mic·tu·rate (‘mick tyou rate) intr.v meaning, to urinate, to piss, and converting it into an even more rarely used, perhaps never before used, adjective, he dropped us a lexicographer’s delight here at www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com.

 

We can only assume that by “micturatious” The former Speaker of the House meant “urinatious” if such a word existed, or perhaps “pissy”. Thank you, Mr. Speaker, for taking time out from your busy campaign to visit www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com and for leaving us such a treasure.

I wish you good fortune in your pursuit, and hope you have a micturatious future.

 

P.S. I encourage any and all celebrities to include their favorite unusual words in a comment here at www.lygsbtd.wordpress.com I don’t care how corrupt, evil or offensive you are, as long as I recognize your name, you count as a celebrity with me, and I’ll treat you as an honored guest.


Celebrate Karen Valentine’s Day

Celebrate Karen Valentine’s Day

Weds, 2/22/12, the Other Valentine’s Day

Did you forget your sweety last week? Well you get one more chance, coming up this Wednesday, February 22. You may remember Karen Valentine as the hot young teacher of unbelievably mature high school students at Walt Whitman High School, from the early ’70s TV drama Room 222. I know I sure do. With her succulent lips, and long auburn hair, in those short, short skirts, she awakened something primal in, at the time, a pre-teen me. So, I declare February 22, or 2/22 as Karen Valentine’s Day.

 

Can you think of a better day to celebrate the prurient interests of the pre-pubescent, than 2/22? Like I said before, if you blew it on Valentines Day the first time around, here’s your chance to get straight with your love, but if you already did that right, use 2/22 to celebrate a favorite hot teacher in your life.

 

I had two hot teachers in my educational history: Miss Oches in 5th grade, who looked like Laurie from the Partridge Family, and taught us to speak German. I can still vividly picture Miss. Oches, and I can still sing Three Blind Mice in German. Vicky Ferriman, who always wore tight black polyester pants, started her teaching career in 1978 and taught me Geometry that year, as a Junior in High-School. That was the only math class I ever aced.

 

So, to Karen Valentine, Miss. Oches, Vicky Ferriman, and all of the attractive people who choose a career in education, thank you for making school suck less than it otherwise would.

Karen Valentine still looks great.


The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Introduction

If you are like me, you’ve become frustrated by the accuracy of old-fashioned personality tests. Both the Rorschach Ink Blot Test and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory leave a lot to be desired, especially when you need to put together a specialized focus group. When I’m designing an ad campaign to exploit a particular phobia, neurosis, or compulsion, I need a focus group that shares that weakness. I don’t have the time or inclination to listen to them for hours like a therapist or psychiatrist, and I’m not interested in helping them.

Those other, currently available metrics, while perfectly adequate for the psychiatric health-care community, lack the detail necessary for public relations and advertizing work. I designed this test so I didn’t have to spend so much time around the wackos and nut-jobs that I help corporations take advantage of.

 

Of course, the complete key to scoring the test remains a proprietary secret, but by now, tens of thousands of people have taken the test, so the questions have become public knowledge. While the test reveals nearly everything about the psychological profile of the subject, but on the broadest level, all people who take this test, invariably fall into four main personality types.

 

At the end of the test, I will tell you enough about scoring the test, for you to discover your broad personality type. It surprises many people to learn their personality type, and they often find it interesting, even though that level of analysis really doesn’t help me, as a heartless manipulator of the feeble-minded, much at all. So, I’m happy to share it with you. Also, since you are scoring this test yourself, and not providing me with your answers, you can enjoy the test and learn your personality type, without turning the keys to your mind over to me.

 

To score the test, I suggest that you divide a sheet of paper into four sections, and label them A, B, C, and D. Every time you answer a question, make a hash mark in the section corresponding to the answer you choose. More about scoring after you take the test. Now get started!

The lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile Test

Phase 1 Basic Intelligence

  1. How many Star Wars movies have you seen?

    A) Every film in the series once

    B) Every film in the series once, and some more than once

    C) Every film in the series once, and any Star Wars film more than 10 times

    D) The original Star Wars film once

  2. If “D”, why?

    A) Lousy dialogue

    B) Shallow Characters

    C) Weak story

    D) Special effects not quite spectacular enough to overcome other weaknesses

Phase 2, Conscious Self-Image

  1. What’s the matter with you?

    A) It’s hereditary

    B) It’s an autoimmune disorder

    C) I was severely traumatized as a child

    D) I blame society

  2. Where do you get off?

    A) Exit 34 S

    B) In a dungeon themed hotel room

    C) At Costco

    D) Any Wifi hotspot

  3. What were you thinking?

    A) It was more of a sexual fantasy than a thought

    B) I hope there’s something funny here

    C) I wonder if they ever did figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop

    D) How long til lunchtime

  4. Where were you on the night of Feb. 17?

    A) At home in my bedroom having sex with an inflatable pig

    B) At an all night prayer vigil for the victims of Jersey Shore

    C) Spinnin’ spliffs and tippin’ 40s wit my homies in da crib

    D) Learning to speak urban slang from an instructional CD

Phase 3, The Subliminal Self

  1. If you were an invertebrate, inhabiting a Northern California tide-pool, would you be…

    A) a Giant Rock Scallop

    B) a Lurid Rock Snail

    C) a Red Rock Crab

    D) a Giant Rock Louse

  2. If your life were a book, who would the author be?

    A) Dr. Seuss

    B) Tom Robbins

    C) Franz Kafka

    D) Stephen King

  3. Which of these movies do you most identify with

    A) Zombieland

    B) Sid and Nancy

    C) Fight Club

    D) Eraserhead

  4. If you were a bottle of shampoo, would you be…

    A) Concentrated Prell

    B) Medicated Head and Shoulders

    C) Pantene with Protein and conditioners

    D) Suave

  5. If you were an over-the-counter medication, would you be…

    A) Compound W

    B) Preparation H

    C) Coricidan D

    D) Exedrin PM

  6. If you were an illegal drug, would you be

    A) LSD

    B) PCP

    C) DMT

    D) MDMA

  7. If you were a cartoon character, would you be…

    A) Bugs Bunny

    B) Charlie Brown

    C) Scooby Doo

    D) Hong Kong Phooey

  8. If you were a criminal offense, would you be…

    A) Murder 1

    B) Grand Theft Auto

    C) Breaking and Entering

    D) Vagrancy

  9. If you were a moving violation, would you be…

    A) Speeding

    B) Driving Under the Influence

    C) Failure to yield the right of way

    D) Reckless operation

  10. If you were a member of The Beatles, would you be…

    A) John Lennon

    B) Paul McCartney

    C) George Harrison

    D) Ringo Starr

  11. If you were a member of The Bangles, would you be…

    A) Susana Hoffs

    B) Vicki Peterson

    C) Debbie Peterson

    D) Annette Zilinskas

  12. If you were a member of The Rolling Stones, would you be…

    A) Mick Jagger

    B) Kieth Richards

    C) Bill Wyman

    D) Charlie Watts

  13. If you were a member of The Chipmunks, would you be…

    A) Alvin

    B) Theodore

    C) Simon

    D) Dave

  14. If you were a tropical fruit, would you be…

    A) pineapple

    B) banana

    C) guava

    D) mango

  15. If you were a cruciferous vegetable, would you be…

    A) broccoli

    B) Brussels sprouts

    C) Cauliflower

    D) cabbage

  16. If you were a large carnivorous reptile, would you be…

    A) a salt-water crocodile

    B) a Burmese python

    C) an American Alligator

    D) a Gila monster

  17. If you were a fast food chain, would you be…

    A) McDonalds

    B) Wendy’s

    C) Taco Bell

    D) Pizza Hut

  18. If you were a snack food, would you be..

    A) potato chips

    B) cheese curls

    C) Oreo cookies

    D) Twinkies

  19. If you were a major environmental catastrophe, would you be..

    A) Chernobyl nuclear explosion

    B) Fukushima nuclear meltdown

    C) BP Macondo well blowout

    D) Bhopal chemical plant disaster

  20. If you were a twentieth-century international bloodbath, would you be…

    A) WWI

    B) WWII

    C) The Korean Conflict

    D) The Vietnam War

Phase 4, Overt Attitude Towards Others

  1. Which of these statements best describes your attitude towards others

    A) Give, so that others may live

    B) Live and let live

    C) Live and let die

    D) Kill, kill, kill

  2. On average, how many other people do you have to deal with on a daily basis

    A) Less than 5

    B) 5-10

    C) 11-49

    D) 50 or more

  3. What is your attitude towards children

    A) They should be seen, heard and listened to

    B) They should be seen, but not heard

    C) They should be heard, but not seen

    D) They should never be seen or heard from again

Phase 5, Unconscious Attitude Towards Others

  1. If other people were the ocean, would you be…

    A) Jacques Cousteau

    B) Flipper

    C) a Somali pirate

    D) The Titanic

  2. If other people were dogs, would you be…

    A) a cat

    B) another dog

    C) the postman

    D) a fire hydrant

  3. If other people were cats, would you be

    A) a dog

    B) another cat

    C) a mouse

    D) catnip

  4. If other people were mice, would you be

    A) cheese

    B) a cat

    C) a hamster

    D) an old lady with a broom

Phase 6, Overt World-View

  1. Is the world…

    A) a blessed and benevolent place

    B) a place where only the strong survive

    C) an illusion of our own making

    D) a place of wickedness

  2. When was the last time you had sex outdoors

    A) today

    B) in the past month

    C) in the past year

    D) more than a year ago

Phase 7, Unconscious World View

  1. Which of these films best describes your relationship to the world

    A) Saving Private Ryan

    B) Being There

    C) Alice in Wonderland

    D) Silence of the Lambs

  2. In the Great Pizza Pie of Life, are you..

    A) the crust

    B) the sauce

    C) the cheese

    D) the pepperoni

  3. If life is a highway, are you…

    A) in the fast lane

    B) in the slow lane

    C) in the breakdown lane

    D) dropping rocks from an overpass bridge

Phase 8, Overt Attitude Towards the Author and His Work

  1. Are you with me so far?

    A) I didn’t get past the title

    B) It looks like a hella long list of questions, this one just popped out at me

    C) Yeah, is it gonna get funny soon?

    D) Yes, Master

  2. How do you feel about me, as the author of this test, as the author of this blog, and as a person

    A) I want to have your baby

    B) I like you because I enjoy reading your blog

    C) I don’t like you because I’ve met you in real life

    D) I hate your guts and wish you were dead, but here I am reading your blog

  3. When do you read this blog

    A) When I’m bored at work

    B) Never, I just look at the pictures

    C) 5 times a day, religiously

    D) Only when you write about me

  4. Would you have sex with this blog if…

    A) It lost some weight

    B) It had bigger tits

    C) It wore sexier clothes and flirted more

    D) It brushed its teeth once in a while

  5. What would you like to see more of in this blog

    A) naked dead people

    B) stuff that’s on fire

    C) people with weird diseases

    D) titties

Phase 9, Unconscious attitude towards the author and his work

  1. If this blog were a 5,000 year-old stone statue of a venerated deity from a long-dead civilization, would you…

    A) smash it to bits

    B) put it in your garden

    C) sell it on Ebay

    D) worship it

  2. If this blog were on fire would you be…

    A) a volunteer firefighter

    B) the arsonist

    C) a rubbernecking gawker

    D) a burn victim

  3. If this blog were the assassination of JFK, would you be…

    A) the grassy knoll

    B) the Zapruder film

    C) Lee Harvey Oswald

    D) Jackie Kennedy

  4. If this blog were Global Climate Change, would you be…

    A) the Ross Ice Shelf

    B) American Samoa

    C) a polar bear

    D) a California Superstorm

  5. If this blog were a flying insect, would it be…

    A) a firefly

    B) a mosquito

    C) a dragonfly

    D) a June-bug

  6. If this blog were a brand of cat food, would it be…

    A) Happy Cat

    B) Purina Cat Chow

    C) 9Lives Seafood Platter

    D) Fancy Feast

  7. If this blog were a TV sitcom, would it be…

    A) 30 Rock

    B) The Office

    C) Gilligan’s Island

    D) I Love Lucy

  8. If this blog were a tattoo, would it be…

    A) a flaming,bug-eyed skull

    B) a dragon

    C) a naked woman with big tits

    D) gullible white boy, written in Chinese characters

  9. If this blog were a strain of weed, would it be…

    A) Green Crack

    B) Trainwreck/BC Kush

    C) Sexi-Mexi

    D) Nebraska Ditch Weed

  10. If this blog were a serial killer, would it be

    A) John Wayne Gacy

    B) Jeffery Dahmer

    C) Hannibal Lector

    D) Charles Manson

Phase 10, Gratuitous Questions to Satisfy the Authors Prurient Interest

  1. Have you ever had an interesting, unusual or particularly memorable sexual experience

    A) No

    B) Yes

    C) Maybe

    D) ask again, later

  2. If “B” above, please describe, in as much detail as possible, in the comments section below.

Scoring the Test:

now that you’ve taken the test, add up how many times you answered A, B, C, and D respectively.

Type A Personality

If you answered A more often than B,C, or D, you probably didn’t take the time to read the other answers thoroughly. Type A personalities tend to be impatient, always one step ahead of themselves. If you are a Type A personality, slow down, take time to smell the coffee before you inject it directly into your veins.

Type B Personality

If you answered B more often than you answered A, C, or D, its probably because you learned in school, that if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice test question, go with B because statistically, B is right more often than other answers. While that may be true in school, in this test, your B answers tell me that you are the kind of person who plays it safe. Type B personalities avoid undue risk. They are careful, perhaps too careful. They avoid unprotected sex with strangers, don’t share hypodermic needles, don’t talk on their cell phone while driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and never, ever wear white after Labor Day. In other words, they are as boring as rocks.

Type C Personality

If you answered C more often than you answered A, B, or D, you probably speak Spanish, and did not understand the questions. Gracias por participar. Tenga un buen día.

Type D Personality

People who answered D more often than they answered A, B, or C… If you answered D more often than you answered A,B, or C… If you answered D more often than A, B, or C, …than, um, …what was it? Oh yeah, short term memory loss. If you answered D more often that A, B, or C, its because you suffer from short term memory loss. In case you forgot, you just took the new lygsbtd Poly-Phase Personality Profile test.

Statistical Margin of Error

If you answered A, B, C, and D, an equal number of times, you did not add correctly. Roughly 10% of all subjects who take the test will incorrectly tally their score.


In the Zone… On the Humboldt Co. General Plan Update

In The Zone

(on the Humboldt Co. GPU)

 

Can you think of anything more boring than the Humboldt Co. General Plan Update. Tonight, on KMUD’s newest and dullest talk show, The Hum CPR Show, we got yet another tiresome talking-to on this tedious topic.

We’ve debated the General Plan Update for about 7 years already, wasting hundred of hours of airtime and enough column inches of newsprint to reach the moon, and we aren’t any closer to agreement on it than we were 7 years ago.

Listening to developers, real estate agents and land-owners try to sound righteous about what they do to the land out here can really turn your stomach. Hearing the county try to justify their outrageous permit fees, as a health and safety issue, when they refuse to permit composting toilets, or greywater systems of any kind, will make you choke as well.

None of the people in the debate seem to have a clue about how to live on planet Earth. None of the proposed plans really address Humboldt County’s housing needs. None of the proposed plans will allow anyone in Humboldt County, the opportunity to live anything like a sustainable lifestyle, and none of the proposed plans will enjoy any more voluntary compliance than the current General Plan. As long as they continue to outlaw sustainable living, only outlaws will live sustainably.

The General Plan Update is bound to fail, and fail spectacularly, for a few good reasons. For one, roughly 2,000 people in Humboldt County go without housing or sanitary facilities of any kind. Every day, that number continues to grow. The GPU continues to ignore the needs of this population, and as a result, they will continue to ignore the zoning restrictions of the General Plan, by sleeping, living and relieving themselves whenever and wherever they can.

Tens of thousands of Humboldt County residents, including many, many, landowners live in unpermitted structures, trailers or mobile homes in violation of current General Plan zoning restrictions, but the county lacks resources to prosecute these cases. Just because the county adopts a new General Plan, doesn’t mean they will ever get the money to prosecute these cases in the future.

Finally, since most of what the Planning Department does, is respond to people’s complaints about their neighbors. And since most of those complaints have less to do with health and safety than aesthetics, prejudice and personal disputes, it seems to me that the best thing to do, is close the whole thing down. Stop wasting the taxpayer’s money on petty, vindictive complaints by people who cynically use the County Planning Department to harass their neighbors.

Since the process isn’t working, won’t work, and won’t help, it ought to be more entertaining, and it ought to, at least superficially, reflect what really happens on the ground in Humboldt County. So, I offer these:

New Zoning Designations for the

Humboldt County General Plan Update

 

First, a few desperately needed and long overdue, zoning designations:

 

CMR – Commercial Masquerading as Residential, describes those neighborhoods full of “homes” with bicycles and swingsets in the yard, and laundry on the clothesline, but no one lives inside but marijuana plants and spider-mites.

 

PLR – Parking Lot, Residential These days lots of people live in their vehicle. From converted school buses to “house-bicycles” people, often entire families, have pressed all kinds of vehicles into their primary residence. Still, they all need a place to park for the night. Isn’t it time they had a zone of their own?

 

UBR – Under Bridge, Residential Some cities already issue permits, for a fee, allowing very low income people to use the prime real estate beneath highway overpasses as their primary residence. Can Humboldt afford to ignore this revenue stream?

 

DFR – Debris Field, Residential Many of the homesteads in SoHum contain not a single permitted structure. At first look, many do not appear to include a single habitable space, just acres of junk cars, rubbish and debris, but people live there.

DFC – Debris Field, Commercial Many of Humboldt County’s most profitable businesses operate out of the most squalid surroundings. Humboldt County’s economic engine has never been exactly clean.

OLG – On Line Ghetto Block after block of towering concrete housing projects full of 8’x8′ cells, each containing a bed, a toilet and a high-speed internet connection with unlimited bandwidth.

The following “specialty zones” will help foster harmony in special neighborhoods catering to the diversity of Humboldt County lifestyles.

CCL – Competitive Christmas Lights Won’t it be so much easier to decide who has the most impressive display when all of the Christmas light fanatics live in the same neighborhood.

YMCA – Yoga, Massage, Crystals and Acupuncture This zone allows the listed establishments, plus vegan eateries and tea houses, no cafes.

DD + EP – Dangerous Dogs and Exotic Pets Why not put all the pit-bulls in the same neighborhood with the idiots who keep tigers, chimps and pythons.

BYOB – Bring Your Own Birds Backyard chickens, ducks, geese pigeons, flamingos, falcons and peacocks all have their appeal, but they also create a special burden on a neighborhood. In this zone, they can squawk, honk, crow and shit whenever and wherever they please.

CG – Compulsive Gardeners Are you sick and tired of neighbors who can’t just leave the fucking dirt alone? I know I sure am, but they just keep digging it up and planting shit in it. Soon their whole place becomes an overgrown, water-sucking jungle, and they start dumping their excess zucchini and tomatoes on your doorstep. Get them out of your hair by giving them their own zone where they can plow, till and weed to their heart’s content, and they can let their vegetables rot in their own fridge.

DYM – Dope Yuppie Mansion A zone for the successful dope yuppies among us, where they can build the kind of ostentatious country home that doesn’t belong in Connecticut either.

PS – Pot Squat This zone is for all of the substandard housing, adjacent to commercial marijuana operations, occupied by otherwise unemployed tenants.

RHH – Redneck Hell Hole The place to see NASCAR decals, confederate flags and Calvin peeing on stuff. Cars on blocks, refrigerators on the porch and motorcycle repair in the living room are all accepted in this zone.

HA+D – Hanging Around and Drinking Always a popular activity here in Humboldt County, now people will have an acceptable zone to do it in.

SS – Smoking Section Smokers really take it on the chin lately. I see them cowering under the eves in the rain, outside the back door, fondling their butts. Shouldn’t they have a zone where they can all commit slow suicide together.

M+M – Musicians and Meth fiends. Both of these groups tend to keep odd hours and make a lot of racket.  Why not zone them together?

DPS – Discarded Potting Soil This zone designates new land created by the accumulation of discarded potting soil.

Zones for the dregs of society. Even the most contemptible members of our community need someplace to live

SOF – Sex-Offender Friendly With so many people returning from prison with release orders that forbid them from living withing 1000 ft. of schools, parks and playgrounds, shouldn’t the county designate a zone to accommodate them.

UWB – Uptight White Blight For those obnoxious people who think they should be able to dictate what their neighbor looks like, what their home looks like, and what they do with it. Even child molesters and rapists deserve better neighbors than these. By establishing this zone, they can all spy on and out-conform each other without disturbing the vibrant diversity of people and lifestyles that makes up the rest of our community.

Are you “zoned out” on the Humboldt County GPU yet?  I know I am.


On The Money, The Difference Between Democrats and Republicans

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Working-Class

The Difference Between Democrats and Republicans

 

The difference between democrats and republicans is like the difference between Shop Smart in Redway, and Ray’s Food Place in Garberville. They are the two main grocery stores around here, mostly full of the same corporate death food, one slightly more “hippie friendly” the other, slightly more “redneck friendly”, both overpriced, and both owned by the same greedy, murderous, creep.

 

That’s capitalism. And, that’s democracy. With the exception of Chautauqua, a tiny health food store, cafe and supplement shop, Ray’s Food Place, and Shop Smart are the only grocery stores in a 50 mi radius. So, what choice do we have, really? What makes you think we have any better choice at the national level?

 

That’s why we get Pop-Tart Presidents, Cheatos Congress and a Supreme Court as dark as Coca-Cola. It doesn’t get any better than this, folks, and it goes downhill fast from here. There’s no “taking back this country”, no “reclaiming the flag”. We should remember that “this country” was founded on slavery and genocide, and has caused far more violent human deaths than any empire in the history of humanity. We should never forget what this country stood for, and what it did, and we should never let it happen again.

 

The Germans didn’t need the swastika to rebuild, and we don’t need the “Stars and Stripes” or the Constitution to reclaim our freedom. We need to think beyond capitalism, beyond the Constitution, and beyond democracy. We need to face the fact that they’ve never worked, and that they never will.

 

This is not a land of one people. This is a land of many people, and many sovereign nations with many distinct cultures. Only as many peoples and many nations with many diverse cultures, can we look forward to anything but slavery and oppression, because our current system only knows how to do one thing well. That one thing, is reducing all of the world’s natural wealth, including 100,000 sustainable, indigenous human cultures, and the very contents of your life, into money, and concentrating that money in the hands of a very few.

 

So, no, I really don’t care anymore about which republican candidate gets the nomination, than I care who is the manager at Shop Smart. Until we find somewhere else to get our food, we are pretty well screwed.


Word Power, Quinquagesima

Word Power

Building Your Vocabulary One Word at a Time

Quinquagesima

Quin qua ges i ma (‘kwin kwa jez e ma) n, the Sunday before lent, literally, 50 days before Easter. It has a more famous partner, and the two of them bookend the whole Easter thing for Catholics. They call the Sunday after Easter “Low Sunday” or Quasimodo.

 

Thanks to “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” Quasimodo enjoys popular secular usage. Why not Quinquagesima? I don’t know what we’re supposed to do on Quinquagesima, but I’ll bet there’s some Quinquagesima Mardi Gras traditions. If not, there should be. If you don’t live in Louisiana, just make something up.

Fat Sunday (Quinquagesima), Carnival of Binche, 2009. Binche, Belgium

Mark Quinquagesima on your calendar right now, it’s this Sunday, Feb. 18 this year, and plan a Quinquagesima party, with Quinquagesima costumes, traditional Quinquagesima cuisine, and maybe a special Quinquagesima cocktail. Don’t forget to get your Quinquagesima cards in the mail today or everyone will think you a jerk for forgetting them on Quinquagesima…again!


You Call That Cooking? Ketchup Flavored Potato Chips

You Call That Cooking?

…or How to make not quite a meal, from stuff that is not quite food.

Ketchup-Flavored Potato Chips

Feeling a bit peckish, while shopping for groceries, I stuck my hand into a sample bowl of, what I thought were, BBQ potato chips. I thought they were BBQ potato chips, because they were red, and looked like potato chips. They looked like BBQ potato chips, but the taste that registered on my tongue was something else all together.

 

They tasted like the chips that you get at a place that can’t be bothered to make fries, so they serve you a few potato chips instead. These chips taste a special way, because some of the ketchup invariably leaks off of the sandwich, and onto the chips. “That’s it”, I thought, “ketchup?”

 

That’s when I looked at the package of the product I had just sampled. Sure enough, I had ingested, for the first time, intentionally ketchup-flavored potato chips. Specifically, Heinz 57 brand ketchup. While the brand of potato chip seemed quite generic, at least the flavoring had a famous, if not exactly prestigious, pedigree.

 

Who thought this was a good idea? Like everybody doesn’t already have a bottle of Heinz ketchup in their fridge. If anyone ever wanted to put ketchup on potato chips, they’ve had ample opportunity. And it’s not like we don’t all already know what ketchup on a potato chip tastes like, because of all of the, accidentally ketchup tainted, chips we’ve consumed, with sloppy sandwiches, in greasy-spoon restaurants.

 

Most of us, having tasted these carelessly condiment contaminated chips, have spent more time thinking of ways to prevent ketchup from polluting our pristine Pringles, than dreaming of whole bags of chips infused with the very essence of… ketchup?

 

I remember trying some of Kettle Chips gourmet flavors a while back, “Cheddar-Beer” “Vidalia Onion” “Vinegar and Sea Salt”. I paid money to try these flavors. None of them disappointed me. Even as a free snack, these ketchup-flavored chips left me feeling ripped-off. Somehow, ketchup just doesn’t make my mouth water the way those other flavors did. Now that I have tried them, I can’t imagine eating them, on purpose, again.

 

Since that initial experience, I have seen at least three different brands of Heinz ketchup-flavored, generic potato chips. This makes me think that Heinz itself may be behind this new proliferation of potato pollution. Have they developed a new dry ketchup powder that adheres to the grease on chips? Is this the same Heinz 57 brand dehydrated ketchup powder that comes with Easy Bake Ovens? Will we soon see other ketchup-flavored junk foods?

 

How long till we see ketchup-flavored cheese curls,

ketchup-flavored Doritos,

even ketchup flavored popcorn?

What about ketchup flavored Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner, ketchup-flavored corn dogs, and ketchup-flavored Spam? Perhaps this is the beginning of a new ketchup-flavored future for Heinz.

 

For years Heinz endured complaints about just how long it takes to get ketchup out of the bottle. Heinz even highlighted this apparent drawback, with the “Anticipation” ad campaign, but as our entire culture continues to accelerate, Heinz 57 ketchup has become the dial-up connection of the fast food world.

 

McDonald’s solved this problem, decades ago by putting ketchup in tiny tear and squeeze envelopes. These envelopes greatly sped up ketchup application, but the non-biodegradable envelopes quickly became, and remain, an environmental disaster.

 

Heinz eventually addressed this problem by marketing ketchup, especially for restaurants, in upside-down plastic squeeze bottles. These bottles can deliver ketchup with lightning speed, but they invariably produce rude and disgusting noises in the process, noises no restauranteur wants to hear in his establishment, and that no one should have to endure at the dinner table.

 

So, apparently, Heinz has opted for a strategy that won’t slow down fast food industry, minimizes waste, and eliminates the diarrhea noise. By adding ketchup to your food at the factory, Heinz will help the environment, and silence the slurp, without slowing down your hectic day.

 

Rather that adding ketchup, in the future, we’ll just look for the Heinz 57 logo. It will tell us, like the little “Intel Inside” sticker, tells us about our computer, that the food product is “ketchup equipped”. Ketchup will cease to be a bottle in your fridge, and increasingly become available as a preloaded application.

 

In much the same way that cell-phones evolved into smart-phones, new high-tech junk food will evolve into…. I don’t want to call them “smart junk foods”…lets call them, “Mwahahahaha junk foods”, with preloaded apps that let you tailor your junk food experience to your lifestyle.

 

Several developers are currently working on various hands-free devices, compatible with these new snacks, that will actually propel the snacks from the package, directly into your mouth. Some prototype systems wirelessly communicate with your cell phone, automatically shoving snacks into your mouth whenever you shut up for more than three seconds.

 

These systems remain in the development phase, but I have tasted the future of junk food, and it has ketchup on it already.


On The Money, The Founding Fascists

On The Money

Financial Advice for the Working-Class

The Founding Fascists

 

Now, I could make fun of the republican presidential candidates, like everybody else, but I’ve got bigger Twinkies to flambe. If you don’t already know that the republicans are hell-bent to destroy the planet and enslave us all, you are too dumb for words, too dumb for my words at least.

Don’t get me wrong, the democrats will destroy the planet and enslave us all too, but to them, its just a job. That’s your choice, as I see it. You can vote for fanatical fascists, or you can vote for professional fascists, or you can throw your vote away, and vote for a third-party fascist. Any way you slice it, it comes up fascist.

I don’t mean that the US has become a fascist state recently, or since the Bush years, or even the Reagan years. I mean, since it’s inception. The US was founded as a fascist state, has always functioned as a fascist state, and will continue to function as a fascist state, as long as it continues to function at all.

That’s what the founding fathers had in mind. That’s why the Supreme Court decided “US vs. Citizen’s United” the way they did.

The founding fathers intended for this country to be run by the people who own it. The founding fathers didn’t think that women should have the vote. The founding fathers didn’t think Indians deserved the right to vote. The founding fathers didn’t think slaves deserved the right to vote. They didn’t even think that slaves deserved 3/5 of a vote. They thought slave-owners deserved an extra 3/5 of a vote for every slave they owned.

When they said “All men are created equal”, they meant that they no longer believed that royal genealogy, or divine rights made people better leaders. They decided that they, the land-owning business-class, should have exclusive control of government. That’s why we have the separation of church and state.

When the business-class has exclusive control of the government, that’s called fascism. The founding fathers invented it, here in the US, and it is their great contribution to the progress of civilization. Where kings, popes and pharaohs ruled with divine authority, turning to God for advice on controlling the masses, our founding fathers decided that the unruly masses could be managed more profitably by those who had proven themselves most successful at it in business.

Those successful businessmen, rather than treat the masses as royal subjects, instead, treat us as customers. A businessman needs to know his customer. A businessman needs to know his customer’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires, and his strengths and weaknesses, so the businessman can devise effective ways to convince, confuse or coerce his customer into buying his product.

That’s why we have elections. We have elections to prove that they can still sell us fascism, and that we’re still buying it. As long as it comes labeled “Democracy”, and we have two competing brands to choose from, we still listen to the moronic debates, the endless horse-race media coverage and flock to the polls in droves to vote for the same people who have been screwing us all along.


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