Some Friendly Advice, for the Band Embryonic Devourment

Some Friendly Advice, from a Writer, for the Humboldt Co. Heavy Metal Band,

Embryonic Devourment

Just for the record, I think you guys sound great! I know you have been around for a while, and have developed your own unique sound. If I didn’t think you were good, and want you to succeed, I wouldn’t waste my time writing about you. I just want you to consider changing your name.

 

I really think “Baby Eater”, “Fetus Eater”, “Eating Babies” or “Half-Eaten Baby” are all punchier, stronger ways of saying whatever it is you are trying to say with “Embryonic Devourment”.

 

I’m totally down with the whole concept. It might not work for a country and western band, but eating babies works for metal, and I think you should work it. Eat some babies… baby chickens, veal, see if you can snag some miscarriages or abortions from the clinic dumpster. That’s heavy Metal PR gold right there if you can do it. Take lots of pictures

 

Here’s the problem with Embryonic Devourment. First “Embryonic” is just too scientific sounding. Second, embryos are tiny, microscopic little things. A toothless old woman could easily suck down a milkshake made from millions of frozen embryos through a straw. Is that the kind of image you want your metal band to project?

 

At least fetuses have a little meat on them, and babies have a little more. If you are going to devour, there should be a little meat involved, and more than a little blood. Babies bleed, embryos don’t bleed. So, if you want to “devour”, you need babies, not embryos.

 

OK, now we get to “Devourment”. In case you haven’t noticed, no one but you thinks “devourment” is a word. Windows suggests “devourer” “devouring”, or “development”.  Websters doesn’t buy it either. They acknowledge that “devour” is a word, and that “-ment” is a suffix, but never the two together. Websters defines “devour” as “to eat hungrily or greedily”. Webster defines “-ment” as “suffix denoting, 1, the concrete result, object or agent”.

 

In the case of “embryonic devourment” that would mean the stuff the embryos have become after being devoured. So Webster would have you call your band Embryonic Poop, Embryonic Vomit, Embryonic Cud, or Embryonic Bile, but according to Webster, those embryos never become devourment.

 

Websters continues “2, action or process as in encirclement or development”. OK, I can see this, the action of devouring embryos is “Embryonic Devourment”. This is where my expertise as a writer can help. If you want to convey the action of “devourment”, use the active verb “eat”, rather than the objectified, pussified form of devour. Just eat the babies. No one cares how greedily or hungrily you do it. Just eat the goddamned babies, and don’t try to pussyfoot around it.

 

If it’s important to you that these are not full term babies, try “Eat the Unborn” or “Eat the Preemies”. Or, maybe I’ve got it all wrong, and the embryo is doing the devouring, if so, “Baby Food” is still a stronger, punchier name than “Embryonic Devourment”. Those extra syllables aren’t helping you one bit, and your fans don’t need the hassle. Just eat the fuckin’ babies and everyone will love you for it.

 

Think of how much trouble you can save yourself with album cover art, posters, t-shirts, stickers, etc. Embryonic Devourment has 19 letters. That’s 19×26 opportunities for a misspelling at every stage of production. Most SWAG is made in China. They don’t give a fuck how we spell anything over here. Your first album could be called “Emblematic Department” by the time it ships to distributors, if you don’t take my advice. So, just eat the babies for Christ’s sake.

Do you want any of your fans to end up wearing misspelled tattoos for the rest of their lives, just because you went with the weak, polysyllabic moniker? You know, none of your fans can remember your name now, anyway. They just remember “that metal band with the long name that means eating babies”.

 

So, eat the baby. You can visualize that. Stick a fork in it, its done. Put it between two slices of bread and slather it with mayonnaise. Open you mouth and say “Ahh”. Here come a big mouthful of steaming hot baby. Deep fried, or stir fried you won’t go wrong if you just forget the fancy nomenclature and Eat the goddamned Baby.

 

So, that’s my advice to you, the members of “Embryonic Devourment”. Change your name. Eat some babies, and keep on head-banging. You’re welcome.

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